Fragments
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Just various fragments. Ideas and the beginnings of some good stories that came to me, but I lack the time to work on or a plot in some cases.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**

**I own none of the series I play with.**

**A Hellblazer/Ranma fragment.**

**A Laughing Horse ****: Another laugh at the mage's expense. Episode 154377**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

He'd been met at the airport by a detective and chauffeured straight to the police station. The officer had held nothing back and had laid the entire problem out in a straightforward manner, almost as if talking to a blonde haired Brit in a dirty leather trench about a boy fading like a bad special effect was normal. It was so nice to work with a professional. 'I may have to visit Japan more often.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Constantine winced, when he spotted the kid.

It looked like some_thing_ had sliced half of the rugrat's essence away. He could actually see the kid's form waver and change as the different police officers walked past the bench where he was sitting. How the kid was staying intact was anybody's guess, but if John had to lay money on it, he'd bet the kid had some sort of talent or gift that was keeping him together.

'For now, anyway.' And with that pessimistic thought, John cocked his head to the side and motioned Watanabe towards an empty interrogation room.

Closing the door behind them the detective waited patiently for John to finish the first drag off the cigarette he had lit as soon as they had stepped inside.

Reading people was second to nature to the aging officer and John had been an easy read in large print. "So what's the prognosis, Doc? What happened to the boy to cause such a bizarre reaction? I've spent the last three days reading up on anything and everything supernatural I could get my hands on, from the Lovecraft Lexicon to Hansel and Gretel and nothing, but nothing, has come even remotely close to describing what's going on with this boy."

John blew a plume of smoke towards the ceiling and rubbed his temples, trying futilely to avoid the headache he knew was fast approaching. "I can't tell you exactly who or what did it, but I'd lay money on the fey, probably Unseelie. Half of everything the kid is or was, has been wiped clean. The kid himself wasn't the target or there'd be damage in his aura. What happened to the kid is more then likely a side effect. Something twisted the present to remove one of his parents from it, leaving the kid at loose ends, so to speak. Reality doesn't recognize his right to exist. He has enough strength to cling to existence for the moment, but that could change at any moment."

Watanabe's shoulders slumped. "So there's nothing we can do?"

The Brit in the well worn trench coat grinned. "Now, I didn't say anything like that. All you need to do is get someone down here who has a strong connection to the supernatural. The kid will latch on to that connection, quicker then shit and boom, instant heir. Bring in someone from one of those demon hunter lines, who needs a heir and everyone's problems will be solved. The kid will literally alter his mind, body, and soul to match his new family. Can't ask for more then that in an adopted son. Hell, the paperwork will be easy to file with a simple DNA test conforming paternity."

The detective's smile lit up the room. "Thank the Kami, I was afraid there was nothing to be done. I know of at least two families that qualify and could use a male heir. Both the Mido and Mano lines have had only female heirs for so long I'm sure they'd jump at the chance for a male heir to carry on their bloodline."

Unnoticed by either of the prematurely celebrating men, one of the officers had opened the door and was shooing a little boy inside…

John's ice blue eye's meet a matching set, in the little boy with the dirty blonde hair.  
His response? "Fuck, I didn't even get laid out of the deal." 

John dodges back fast enough to allow the demon hunters to be called in. If he can keep the kid away and the demon hunting females off of him, things might just turn out ok this time.

Someone else with a deep spiritual connection wanders a bit too close to the kid.  
"By the power of the Moon… what?!?!?"

Something else…

Back to episode 117878

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	2. Chapter 2

**A Ranma/Batman crossover.**

**Embracing Chaos****: Nudging a pebble. ****Episode 129392**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Setsuna contemplated the timegate absently, as numerous plans ran through her mind. How exactly could she make Ranma into an asset to the Senshi, rather then the defect he was now? What _could_ he contribute to the Senshi that they didn't already have?

Well regardless of how useful he actually turned out to be, she would have to find some purpose for him, because you could be sure that if he didn't have a purpose within the group he would invent one, and the gods alone knew what that would be!

While it was true that he had skills when it came to battle, most of his battles could have been avoided if he had had even the slightest grasp on social skills.

Setsuna paused and considered the people he dealt with on a daily basis before adding the concession 'and possibly a degree in abnormal psychology.'

Further thought led her to wonder if even large caliber weapons would really have helped.

At any rate, if they just wanted another fighter that had a flair for causing trouble they'd clone Haruka!

Stifling a shudder Setsuna began pacing, the mists covering the ground swirled around her ankles.

He had to have some quality, some skill, _some_ talent that would help the group as a whole.

He had a big heart, but then Usagi had more then enough heart for the group, with plenty to spare. The senshi had no shortage of caring individuals when you thought about it.

He had some amazing fighting skills, but the group as a whole didn't rely on battle to solve all their problems and while the senshi may not be among the 'Best of the Best', they had made remarkable gains in fighting skills in a relatively short span of time.

He could analyze and find an opponent's weakness in an amazingly short amount of time, but Ami handled that _and_ group tactics with a very deft touch.

He would be great for solo missions, but the outers had plenty of experience in that area themselves.

All of his skills and abilities, while quite extraordinary, were already covered by the others. What they needed was a general specialist who could cover for a missing teammate.

Venus had been prepped to fill that billet, but events in England had taken their toll on the poor girl, leaving her with little confidence or self esteem. So she had buried herself in the role of a follower and general ditz, leaving all the tough decisions to those she felt were more qualified to make them.

'Perhaps he could fill the role she couldn't?'

Smiling to herself, crimson eyes gleaming, Pluto rolled the idea around in her head.

'If I alter the timeline early enough to insure a change in his training program… and maybe steer him towards England before the whole Danburite debacle…'

The early the changes the more controlled the effects. Best to start by influencing his parents…

A small ripple is made in the life of…

**Nodoka! Changing her views on what's manly should have a  
beneficial effect.**

Genma! Can guile overcome stupidity of epic proportions?

Happosai! 10 years in a cave leaves one with a lot of free time to  
think about things.

SE! Cause the author can't think of everything.

or... she could always try affecting Ranma directly.

**Read the comments on this episode**

**Embracing Chaos****: A little batty… ****Episode 131279**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Setsuna sighed happily. Finally, a path that didn't require her to do… unethical things to create Crystal Tokyo and safeguard the human race.

Those that knew her in an unaltered timeline would have been surprised at the fact that she could do a very passable Irish Jig.

With a smile on her face and a song in her heart ('Kiss my Irish Ass' for those that are curious.) Setsuna began to make plans…

'A little alternate reading material in the right place…'

13 year old Nodoka Satome leaned back against a tree in the park, long red hair sparkling in the sun, as she read. It was a quiet Sunday afternoon so she had plenty of time to read and relax.

Normally she could be found at a friend's house or working on her sword forms, but unfortunately her uncle was visiting, taking one of his rare breaks from his shrine duties, and her mother had broken out the photo album, so rather then suffer from multiple embarrassing 'mom' moments, she had decided to borrow a book from her uncle and make tracks.

Normally she just grabbed one of his books on making wards, she was sure that if she could make one strong enough she'd be able to banish her math teacher, but while searching his trunk she had stumbled upon 'Memoirs of a Geisha'. This was much better reading material then a dusty old tome on the proper way to align your spirit.

Happily in her own little world she didn't notice a small portal opening above her, depositing a copy of Detective Comics #27 right into her lap.

Setsuna quickly checked the gates, eager to see what a change in the timeline her actions had wrought.

'What? No change? Nada, zip, zilch, zero, goose egg? That can't be right.'

Willing the gates back to the scene with Nodoka she quickly identified the problem.

'Damn, she found the woodcuts.'

Grumbling to herself about perverted teens Setsuna quickly set to work…

'I can't believe I'm doing this. Who would have thought that centuries of skill would be used for _this_ purpose. Leonardo is probably spinning in his grave.'

'I didn't even know that was possible.' Nodoka thought to herself, as she turned the book sideways trying to figure out how the couple had gotten into that exact position without someone loosing an eye.

The comic book Setsuna had dropped into her lap lay discarded by her side. There were some cute costumes in her opinion, but no real… action.

The second comic that fluttered down into her lap startled her for a second. Glancing around she just couldn't figure where they were coming from. 'Did someone hide their manga up a tree?'

Paging through it she quickly found it was a lot better then the first one. The main characters were similar, but the differences were memorable. Better built and with a tighter uniform was definitely an improvement, the plotline was the main draw though.

'Woman in skin tight leather with a whip? Rooftop rendezvous'?'

'Memoirs of a Geisha' fell to the side, as she quickly became absorbed in the manga about a young man fighting for justice in a skin tight outfit, while seducing a cat burglar with long green hair and crimson eyes.

Setsuna sighed happily as she watched the future change course. Just one simple manga and the future had changed for the better.

Of course it couldn't just be any manga, it had to be one written, inked, and illustrated by Setsuna herself. One little comic book, even if it was brilliant, had made a rather large change to the future.

Channeling Nodoka's hormonal output into something useful had been rather easy, a little too easy. Would she revert back to her former interest unless continually encouraged along this path?

'Best to be on the safe side…'

With a guilty grin Setsuna quickly set to work on her next issue, where the hero ran into the cat burglar yet again, but in her civilian ID this time.

'What's a good name for our intrepid thief? Susan sounds about right…'

A little nudge to Genma... 

The Ronin issue #2!

Jumping ahead,,,

SE!

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	3. Chapter 3

**A Ranma\Eva crossover.**

**A Hope of Rei****: Stacking the deck ****Episode 97772**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

"I have studied Amazon Law," said Rei. The rest she said in Chinese (Mandarin, Joketsuzoku dialect - though she was hardly fluent she had foreseen this possibility and practiced it) for the benefit of her audience. "(You challenged me, you attacked me, I have defeated you. Under the ruling of Kolukremu Versus Mei Fang, I take you as co-wife."")

It was at that point that Cologne fell off her staff.

The Joketsuzoku had amassed quite a bit of lore from all over the world in their 3000 years of existence. Included in that lore was quite a bit on celestial beings and while Kasumi gave off an aura that most would assume was of an angel, Rei's aura was the actual item. Cologne hadn't been positive that Rei was an angel because the descriptions given varied quite a bit and had settles for warning Shampoo off attacking the girl directly until she could figure out if that was what she was.

Angels were usually backed by a Kami of significant power and going against one would be suicide. Even if you won… you lost.

Cologne had three hundred years under her belt and had read most, if not all, of the writings the tribe had collected. You tend to have a lot of time to read after the first hundred years of life. She had found a lot of similarities in the descriptions they had of certain demons as they did of certain angels they had run across. In two of the cases, spread 1200 years apart, the being was obviously the same one, despite the fact that in the one case it was described as an angel and in the other as a demon.

To anyone of intelligence, as far as she was concerned, the answer was obvious. Angels were not by their nature what humans would consider good. They were messengers of the Kami and would do what they were ordered to do regardless of who stood in their way. Angel's would do whatever was required, good or evil, to accomplish their goals and Rei's goal was apparently the claiming of one Ranma Satome.

However Rei was at least partially human. The weakness of her aura and her obvious human goals made that clear. Since Rei was willing to share, Shampoo would get what she wanted after all. So instead of Shampoo losing her honor by failing to claim her husband, which had seemed the ways things were heading, it looked like she would get to add some celestial blood into the tribe, which wasn't a small feat by itself. 'This may work out quite well.'

Cologne smiled to herself as she climbed back onto her staff and pogo'ed over to where Rei was quizzing a surprised and confused Shampoo on the best way to get Ranma into a threesome.

"Several of the magazines I have read stated that no man could resist two women. With your help I expect to be able to minimize Ranma's resistance and perfect the techniques necessary for a happy marriage. The steps needed to reach that point however have eluded me thus far. Ranma is wary of affection and women in general. How would you approach this situation?"

Blink

"Child, you may want to give your Wife some time to recover from her defeat and marriage before asking her for complex battle plans."

Rei paused and examined Shampoo, taking in the way her hair was toinged out and the pole axed expression on her face, she had no choice but to agree with the elder's assessment.

"Agreed. We will discuss it after class." Rei grabbed Ranma's hand. "Come along Ranma. We do not wish to be late."

As Rei led an unresisting Ranma towards school Cologne began to chuckle.

Let's follow...

**...Cologne and Shampoo.**

**...Ranma and Rei.**

...Mousse.

...Ryoga. 

Something else!

**Read the comments on this episode**

**A Hope of Rei****: Rebooting Shampoo ****Episode 102423**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

"Shampoo."

poke

"Shampoo?"

poke

Cologne shrugged apparently Shampoo's brain had decided to take a vacation. 'Well there's one sure way to correct that.'

"Whack!"

"Owww!"

"Why Great-grandmother hit Shampoo in head?" Shampoo rubbed her head gingerly.

Cologne sighed happily. Sometimes the old ways were simply the best. "Because Child, you are not fulfilling your proper wifely duties to your spouse."

"Shampoo try and fulfill self with Ranma. Doll Girl get in way." Shampoo pouted cutely.

"Yes child, well in this case I was referring to Rei's command that you prepare the appropriate battle plan for the two of you to seduce Ranma."

sproing

Cologne watched as Shampoo's eyes lost focus and her hair toinged out in all directions.

'This is going to take a while.'

poke

Let's follow Ranma and Rei.

**More fun with Shampoo and Cologne. Hehehe. Is too, too funny scene!**

What are the other fiancées up to?

What are the stalkers...I mean Ranma's competition up to?

SE!

SE II! The Sequel!

**Read the comments on this episode**

**A Hope of Rei****: Testing a Hypothesis ****Episode 103933**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

"Granddaughter, if you don't stop doing that at once and deport yourself as a proper Amazon I'm going to marry you to Mousse as well." Cologne whispered in her ear.

"Aiyahhhh!" Shampoo jumped to her feet, clutching her chest in panic.

Hopping back onto her staff Cologne faced her now aware pupil. "That's better. Now would you mind telling me what the problem is?"

"Shampoo not like Conditioner and Rinse. Shampoo just want Ranma." Shampoo pouted cutely once more.

"Child, you know very well that you would probably end up with at least one wife. It's not like we have many men of worth in this generation." Cologne explained patiently with just a hint of exasperation.

"Shampoo know that, but not expect wife to want Shampoo as well as Husband. Think it only be sharing husband. Shampoo not think would also be wife to wife!"

"And what makes you think she wants more child?"

"Doll Girl…"

"Ahem!"

"Sorry Great-Grandmother. Shampoo mean Rei intim... say she want do Shampoo so Ranma no resist."

"Are you sure you didn't misread her intentions?"

A familiar blue haired girl popped up between the two conversing amazons.

"Pardon me elder, I forgot to complete the traditional forms."

Rei swept a stunned Shampoo into her arms and copied a scene she had viewed from a movie entitled 'Adventures of Buttgirl and Wonderwench'.

SMMOOOCCHH

'Guess not.' Cologne thought to herself as she watched Rei bend Shampoo over and give her tonsils a grade A cleaning, while giving her body a through going over with her hands.

Straightening up she released Shampoo and glanced at Ranma to see if it had the desired effect. From the bulge in his pants, and the slow trickle of blood coming from his right nostril, Rei had to deem it a successful effort.

'I'll have to get some decent research material for Shampoo and myself to go over. Ranma definitely has a weak point for the two of us together. I wonder if the costumes are easy to aquire?'

"The formalities have been seen to properly. I'll talk with you once more when we have finished schooling for the day."

Rei strode off dragging a stunned and aroused Ranma behind her.

Thump

Cologne looked down on her unconscious Granddaughter.

'Oy Vey!'

**Let's follow Ranma and Rei...again.**

More fun with Shampoo and Cologne. Too much is never enough!

What are the other fiancées up to?

What are the stalkers...I mean Ranma's competition up to?

SE!

SEE!

**Read the comments on this episode**

**A Hope of Rei****: School Daze ****Episode 106323**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Ranma's mind was awash in a hormone-induced daze as Rei walked him to school, holding his hand with a small, but very definite, smile on her face. As she walked, quietly enjoying the feeling she got from holding his hand, her mind was racing ahead making and discarding battle plans at near Ranma speed.

Ways to get Ranma additional training so he would not die while at the same time bringing them closer and getting some experience for the three of them in fighting menaces to humanity. The three separate goals could be accomplished at the same time, if rumors of recent activity in Juuban was correct.

'Nabiki can get me the costumes for the lowest price and have them modified to fit. Break away sections in the appropriate areas so we can reuse them will cut costs in terms of wear and tear. Velcro would probably be easier to use then the more realistic single thread seam method and will allow us to repair our costumes rapidly if we happen to be in public somewhere.'

Rei almost paused as she felt a little tingle from the thought of 'performing' with Ranma in public.

'Not in front of an audience, but maybe in a place where someone could walk by?' Feeling that little tingle again Rei noted to herself that she had discovered her first 'kink'.

'All I have to do is get him into the costume and out with Shampoo and I during the night. After battle hormonal reactions in men are said to be very… elevated from the norm. I shall have to verify that with some first hand testing.'

Setsuna shuddered and felt a sudden urge to consult the time gates.

**On to school.**

Fun with the Amazons.

Senshi's choice.

SE!

**Read the comments on this episode**

**A Hope of Rei****: Changing views ****Episode 107112**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Nabiki sat at her desk re-reading a letter her sister had sent her through one of her associates. She checked it one more time, yep still there and still the same thing written on it as the last 30 times.

She knew her sister was determined to take her relationship with Ranma to the next level, but the paper in her hand made it look like she was planning on taking the express elevator to the top floor!

Costume designs based on a porno movie with breakaway or rather Velcro away sections in the appropriate, yet highly inappropriate areas. Examining them one more time she had to admit that Rei had quite a bit of artistic talent. They were both stylish and well designed.

'Why did she need a costume for Shampoo as well? What is little sister up to?'

They included exact measurements of both Rei and Shampoo along with exact specifications for depth of cleavage, underwire, reinforced and padded sections to enhance features and make sure certain activities wouldn't leave bruises or marks even if performed on a gravel and tar rooftop.

The thigh high boot design included built in knee pads for kami's sake!

'I wonder if she'd mind me getting a set?'

Rei sat in class, quiet and attentive as normal. The small smile she sported, and the class noticed, was not part of her normal daily attire. Ranma sitting in the seat next to her was not paying attention to the class as was his norm, the dazed expression and the dried trickle of blood from his nose however were not.

The class murmured quietly around them, gossiping abought Ranma and Rei's strange behavior.

Miss Hinako meanwhile, had been trying unsuccessfully to rouse Ranma from his daze. Talking to him or even throwing things at him had no effect. The chalk simply bounced off his head without him deflecting or catching it, as he normally did when he was sleeping in class.

Getting rapidly fed up with the lack of response from Ranma, Hinako decided to give it up for a loss and check on him later in between classes. Holding a coin up, Miss Hinako watched the class quiet down. Rei met her eyes and nodded her head slightly.

"Happo Five Yen Satsu" Hinako called out.

Rei ignored the stream of energy drawn off from her aura. It wasn't enough to do more then cause her a momentary amount of weakness and it did make the class run much more smoothly.

Adjusting her, now rather tiny, dress Miss Hinako ignored Ranma and began with her days lesson plan.

Taking note of her impressive form, tiny dress, and blue tinted hair with accompanying red eyes, the boys in the class immediately perked up and sat up straight. Many setting folders or books in their laps, but they were paying close attention.

The girls of the class noted the boys' behavior with disgust as always. It was almost a daily ritual by this point.

Inside Ranma's brain...

**In between Classes...**

The Amazons..

The Rivals...

Starting with the letter Q...

SE for 500 Alex...

**Read the comments on this episode**

**A Hope of Rei****: Teachers Aid ****Episode 107727**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

The bell rang sending the students scurrying out the door to lunch.

Rei waved her hand in front of Ranma's face.

'I may have miscalculated the full effect of Shampoo and myself on his repressed libido. Repeated exposure will be necessary to acclimatize him to it. It does offer some opportunities however, as it does prevent him from fleeing,'

Rei shook his shoulder gently 'and possibly suppresses his higher brain functions altogether. That will have to be rectified before we can continue. Unless we can insure his full compliance any premature action by Shampoo or myself could result in a massive set back. We'll have to work on his resistance.'

Rei began to blush, thinking of the 'resistance training' needed.

A voice remarkably similar to her own in tone sounded out behind her.

"Miss Tendo the lunch bell has rung."

"I am aware of that, however my fiancée seems to be incapacitated."

"I did notice the change in his behavior today. He didn't snore or even twitch once. He just sat there with his eyes open. Do you know what caused it?"

Turning to face Miss Hinako, she took note once more of the changes wrought in her unique biology by absorbing Rei's aura. The physical resemblance was a bit startling the first time, but it was the changes in her behavior that was the most intriguing.

Her Chiba-form was a typical young girl, hyperactive and with a limited attention span, but her adult form had changed from her previous sultry and slightly petty to a rather focused and curious young woman.

As adult or child she had always been a bit childish and petty, but after draining Rei her behavior had become more mature and yet more childish in a way. She no longer acted on trivial or spiteful impulses, but rather on ones that seemed based on curiosity.

She reacted as if everything were new and interesting, often forgoing a mature outlook to discover something. One entire class period had actually been used to research American slang and it's roots in the culture. Another had been used to find out who invented the white stuff in the middle of Twinkies and what possessed him to use spun pig fat as a base.

Strangely enough the classes' grades had improved quite a bit. Finding out why something interesting had happened in another language had impressed upon the class a use for the language that they had considered before, Fun.

Realizing she had been standing there lost in thought for nearly a minute, she quickly outlined the situation without pausing to consider whether it was a good idea or not. Miss Hinako seemed to take no offense however and just suggested that Rei go to lunch as Ranma's stomach would surely awake him before long and a little piece and quiet may be just what he needed to recover.

Rei simply nodded and left. She still had to talk to Ukyou after all.

Once Rei had left Miss Hinako stepped in front of Ranma and waved her hand.

No response.

Shake shoulder.

No response.

Call his name.

No response.

Jiggle breasts.

No response.

Miss Hinako locked the classroom door and approached Ranma again.

Glancing around the room to make sure it was empty she slowly pulled down her tube top, baring her breasts to Ranma's vacant gaze.

No response.

Hinako frowned cutely.

Jiggle naked breasts.

No response.

Hinako frowned not so cutely.

Stepping forward she slowly brushed her nipples across his face.

No response.

Scowling she grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face into the valley between her breasts and rubbed his nose in her cleavage vigorously.

"Mhhhpph?"

She let Ranma's head slide out from between her breasts.

Ranma found himself staring at Hinako's bare breasts from just centimeters away. Licking his lips he realized the salty taste on them wasn't from his own sweat. With a spray of blood that would have done Ryoga proud, Ranma passed out.

Hinako smiled. 'Much better.'

At Lunch with Rei and Ukyou.

Shampoo and Cologne.

Ranma's Rivals.

**SE.**

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**A Hope of Rei****: Current Events. ****Episode 110296**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Rei sat down in her usual spot, under the large oak near the center of the quad, and smoothed out her skirt before unpacking the bento that Kasumi had made for her.

Even after having spent an additional three minutes in the classroom, beyond her normally allotted time, she knew she had enough time to enjoy Kasumi's homemade lunch without rushing.

Ukyou spent the first half of lunch cooking for the other students before eating her own, so she had plenty of time to figure out the best way to persuade Ukyou that, like they taught in Kindergarten, **Sharing was a good thing.**

Ranma's stomach woke him. He could actually hear the echo of the growl it had let out.

Blinking blearily he glanced around the empty room.

He remembered … Rei feeling up Shampoo… **Thunk**

Ranma's desk had jumped half a foot.

Ranma winced and started entering a light trance.

Contrary to popular belief, Genma hadn't completely neglected Ranma's training in the spiritual side of the arts. He'd just made sure it was rather narrowly focused.

'I am the master of my body, it is not the master of me. I am the master of my body, it is not the master of me. I am the master of my body, it is not the master of me. I am the master of my body, it is not the master of me.'

Ranma relaxed a little as he felt his heart rate slow and his _condition_ subside.

"Thank you, monks."

Ranma firmly believed that if it wasn't for the Tibetan monks Genma had taken him to visit when he was 10 he wouldn't be a martial artist today or if he was he'd be a lot like Happosai.

Quickly sewing up the tear in his pants, he tried to recall exactly what had happened to him.

'Rei and Shampoo… I am the master of my body, it is not the master of me.'

Ranma took a deep breath and started again. 'OK, Rei and Shampoo were becoming… friends.' Trying to keep his thoughts focused, on something other then what it seemed to want to focus on, he thought about what that meant.

'They'll get along better and I'll get to eat more of Shampoo's cooking.' Ranma's stomach rumbled happily at the thought, diverting blood and helping Ranma keep control of himself.

Relaxing a little, Ranma followed that train of thought. 'They'll spend more time together and more time together with me. They'll both want to…'

Ranma felt a wave of heat course through his aura.

'I am the master of…screw this!'

Ranma quickly dropped the light trance and focused on the Soul of Ice, sending cold chi surging through his heated aura.

Across town Happosai paused in mid leap. 'I sense a disturbance…'

Unfortunately whatever he was thinking was lost, as his momentary distraction allowed The Christian Women's Volley Ball League to catch and spike him out of midair.

The impromptu game, using Happosai as the ball, attracted quite a crowd and made it a red letter day for the local vendors.

Ranma sat unmoving as the air around him began to stir. The Soul of Ice struggled with his raging libido and self control, sending streams of hot and cold Ki into the air surrounding him.

Ranma gave up trying to keep control while thinking of the two and desperately grasped at something he was sure would calm him down, school!

Rei had dragged him to school and he had sat at his desk as usual. Ms. Hinako had lectured on how to conjure verbs and bridge nouns, or something like that. Ranma had just managed to regain control, as the falling wind around him demonstrated, when his treacherous photographic memory kicked in. Ms. Hinako had….

The sounds of glass breaking echoed through the quad, as desks went flying.

**At lunch with Rei and Ukyou.**

Shampoo and Cologne make plans.

Ranma's Rivals!

SE!

**Read the comments on this episode**

**A Hope of Rei****: Tradition. ****Episode 116397**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Rei glanced up upon hearing the sounds of breaking glass, but dismissed it as being of no importance when it became apparent that it wasn't one of the rooms lining the quad, but rather one of the rooms on the other side of the school.

Kuno had probably attacked Ranma again to free his 'Pigtailed Goddess'.

A faint cry of "Ranma Satome, Prepare to die!" made her amend that last thought to Ryoga attacking Ranma to free his beloved Ukyou.

'He must have a cold. His voice sounds different.'

Dismissing the battle from conscious thought she once again focused on her current problem.

Lunch was already nearing the half way point and she had yet to think up an argument that would assure Ukyou joining forces with her and Shampoo. Having Ukyou along would insure the success of their little group.

Ukyou was Ranma's childhood friend whom he had to marry or tarnish her honor. Ukyou was also a chef of the highest quality who made a dish that Ranma seemed to be becoming addicted to. If Ukyou was not involved in their plans she would become an obstacle.

That would cause… _complications._

Between Ukyou, Shampoo, and herself, they pretty much held all the strings attached to Ranma's heart and honor. Therefore joining forces was the only way to insure they all got what they wanted. How to explain _that_ to a girl who wanted Ranma all to herself was the problem.

Ranma had more then enough energy to keep all three of them happy and sated, if his Martial arts prowess converted to Marital arts prowess and Rei was pretty certain it would, failure just wasn't in his vocabulary. A number of other words weren't as well, but that could be rectified later.

If Ranma was sexually active it would have been easy to demonstrate, however without a live demonstration she would be forcing Ukyou to buy a 'pig in a poke' to use Ukyou's own vernacular. She needed some way to convince Ukyou that Ranma was more then she could handle alone.

"So Sugar, what'd you want to talk about?"

Ranma dropped the Soul of Ice as the classroom began to come apart around him. He needed something to distract him and he needed it now!

Diving out one of the windows he began a desperate search.

Nothing. Not a single thing. No women being attacked by a pervert. No magical princes trying to abduct Kasumi. He'd even welcome a c-ca-ca..feline at this point.

A familiar cry of "Where on Earth am I now?" brought a smile to his face.

Turning to face Ryoga he couldn't help but grin. A good fight was just what the doctor ordered.

Ryoga nodded to Ranma absently and turned back to his map. He knew Ucchan's was around her somewhere.

Ranma stood there stunned. Ryoga hadn't attacked him. What kind of world is it where you can't count on your rival to yell out his catchphrase and try to pound you into paste?

Ranma growled.

How dare he! How dare Ryoga not attack him!

An angry growl found its way past his lips.

Ryoga wasn't going to get away with it. He was going to pay!

Ryoga turned around as his danger sense began to flash red. Ranma was growling at him?

Even as angry as he was Ranma knew there were forms to be followed. You don't get to be a high level martial artists without having at least a little respect for tradition.

With a cry of "Ranma Satome, Prepare to die!" Ranma attacked.

**Rei and Ukyou's discussion.**

Ranma and Ryoga's battle.

Pluto's shopping list.

SE!

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	4. Chapter 4

**A Ranma\Multicross **

**For A Birthday****: I knew that sounded familiar…. ****Episode 107046**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Ranma wandered the radioactive pet section with the sign reading 'For all your radioactive induced, creature influenced power needs!'

He looked from cage to cage of small mammals and insects, each with slightly glowing eyes or some other visible sign that they weren't your average pet. He shuddered slightly and avoided the cat that was floating a couple of inches above the floor of it's cage.

Unnoticed by him however, a small familiar looking (to our readers) blue and red spider slowly descended, rappelling down a web line to land on his neck, looking for a good place to have a quick bite.

Nabiki was questioning Storeman on if there were any super villain packages that didn't come with 'megalomania' or 'must conquer world' added.

To her way of thinking, the villains got the really good skills when it came to building expensive and patentable items. Why take over the world when you could just invent something that would make you rich enough to buy a small island, like say…. Hawaii?

If she had to, she could even put up with megalomania. It didn't seem to harm Bill Gates's career after all.

"Owch!" Ranma slapped the back of his neck just missing whatever had bitten him and stared around irritated. He had spent over a decade living on the road, but getting bit by insects was still something he still hated.

"Congratulations Sir! You have been chosen to be the bearer of the proportional powers of a spider. Always a good choice if you ask me. A very well rounded hero pack. Of course there are a couple of books you'll need to read. Mandatory I'm afraid." Storeman actually looked a bit embarrassed over the last bit.

"What proportional powers of a spider?" Ranma panicked. He could just see himself running around with six arms and eight eyes, being stared at by everyone.

"Strength, speed, agility, the usual packet. I assure you everyone who has received the gift of the spider totem has never had cause to complain."

Ranma paused as he thought abought it. 'No one has ever complained?' "I ain't gonna grow extra arms or eyes or nothin' like that?"

"Nope. You are simply gifted with the abilities of a spider. Modified for human size of course."

"What was that you were saying abought speed, strength, and agility?" Ranma asked, becoming a bit more interested.

"Your speed, strength, and agility will grow to match what a spider would have if it was your size. For instance you will find yourself able to dodge like the wind. Flowing around an opponents attacks like smoke. "

"I can already do that." Ranma began to look a bit doubtful abought the 'blessings' of the spider.

"Well can you run across a surface a centimeter wide without falling?"

Nod

"Leap from a standing start to the roof of a building?"

Nod

"Sense danger when there is no visible source?"

Nod

"Speed and reflexes several times the human norm?"

"You should see him eat and his punching speed already breaks the sound barrier."

"Really? Are you sure you haven't been here before?"

"Nope. Training."

"The ability to cling to walls?"

"I've seen him remain motionless on a flat ceiling for hours to avoid my sisters cooking."

"Can you walk around like it's a flat surface?"

"Nah, but that would be cool. It'd make it a lot easier to avoid getting poisoned that way." Ranma perked up a little.

Storeman looked a little more confidant. "Did I mention super human strength?" He said with a grin. This bit always hooked them.

"How strong are we talking here?" Nabiki interjected.

"Being able to bench press ten tons." Storeman said with pride.

"I can do twelve most days and if I really strain fifteen." Ranma grinned.

"Seriously?" Storeman looked a little rough around the edges.

"Yep." Ranma puffed up a little. It's always an ego boost to realize that you're already in the superhuman range of abilities.

"Flexibility?"

"To an insane amount." Nabiki interrupted, blushing for some reason Ranma couldn't quite figure out.

"Heal at an incredibly fast rate for a human?" Storeman asked hopefully.

"I've seen him break bones and have them heal within days." Nabiki replied

Storeman sighed. This really wasn't a good day. The boy already had most of not all of the basic powers and that probably wasn't including everything the boy could do. Now he had to explain the downside that the boy wouldn't have if he hadn't been bitten. Well… best to get it over with.

"Overdeveloped sense of duty?" He asked tentatively.

"I've seen him protect his enemies from disasters of their own making without a second thought. Or a first one for that matter." Nabiki grinned.

"Hey, I just don't like to see people hurt, OK?"

"I'm just teasing Ranma. We like you the way you are. Completely unlike your father."

Ranma blushed a little at that, for some reason Nabiki couldn't figure out this time.

"Females close to you put in life threatening situations or kidnapped?"

Ranma shrugged. "At least it keeps things from getting dull."

Storeman relaxed as he felt the weight of bad news being lifted from his shoulders. Apparently the kid was already slated for the hero biz. Picking up a couple of books from the counter he handed them to Ranma.

Ranma looked through them.

"How to banter well with villains?"

"Insulting an opponent in a fight or appearing to think the entire thing is a game is a great way to make you're opponent lose his temper and make mistakes."

"By Genma Satome?"

"I don't know the chap, but the book is top drawer when it comes to making someone lose their temper."

"Already had lessons." Ranma replied with a smirk.

Seeing the smirk and recognizing it from the diagrams on page one hundred and thirty three, Storeman nodded and placed it back on the counter.

"How to build your very own web shooters? What's that?"

"Well one of the abilities of a spider is to secrete web fluid which can be very useful."

"I saw a movie like that, but didn't it come out of the guys wrists?"

Storeman looked a little embarrassed. "Sorry, but Spiders don't have spinnerets located in that particular area."

"Then where does it come from?"

Glancing over at Nabiki he quickly leaned forward and whispered something in Ranma's ear.

"Eeewww! Gross!"

"Well you can milk the glad and store it in a container to use on wrist wearable web shooters. Which is what the book shows you how to do."

"I suppose so." Ranma replied with a sigh.

"What other powers do you have?"

"I can create tornados and store stuff in subspace. I can fire energy blasts and learn anything with the words martial arts in it in very little time. I can grow to dozens of times my normal size and explode stuff with a touch."

"You can grow several times your own size? When did you learn that?"

"When Happosai and pops got into it. It uses a lot of ki so I don't bother."

"I thought Ryoga was the one who specialized in blowing stuff up?"

"I learned it. I just don't use it. It causes too much property damage. Can you imagine the problems we'd have if I went around blowing stuff up too? I also know how to use the iron cloth technique to make clothing into weapons or armor."

"I thought Ryoga used that one too?"

"He does but he swore off using it casually since he cut Akane's hair that one time. It could have been worse. He's a pretty decent guy when he ain't going 'Ranma Prepare to die!'. Almost forgot the sealed techniques. I can turn invisible and throw blades of vacuum that cause incredible amounts of damage."

"You can also turn into a girl, stick your foot into your mouth in any situation, eat enough to impress a sumo champion, collect even more violent fiancées without trying, lose you mind and think you're a cat when exposed to one and unable to escape."

"Those are curses not powers."

"Anything that puts you beyond human limits is a power."

"They don't exactly make my life easy."

"Let's not forget that while in Neko-ken you have energy claws that cut through anything and heightened senses and your strength and speed go up to ridiculous levels."

"Yeah but it's not really me."

"It's you."

Ranma just sighed, unwilling to argue the point with Nabiki.

"It's normally 100,000 yen for the spider set but being chosen by the totem enables you to a discount of 98.5 and taking into account everything." Storeman did some quick calculations on a calculator and consulted a book titled abilities and disabilities.

"Here you go." Storeman held out a rather large amount of cash.

"What's this for?" Ranma asked in confusion.

"Balance. Abilities versus disabilities. Consider it good Karma. You also get a rather hefty store credit in case you want to purchase something else."

Nabiki grinned and Ranma felt a cold shiver run up his spine.

Nabiki's purchase…

**Ranma decides to buy something else as well.**

Storeman shows them the backroom.

SE!

SE!

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**For A Birthday****: On the right track ****Episode 107066**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Seeing the gleam in Nabiki's eyes Ranma pretended to be reluctant, until she released her dreaded 'Puppy dog eyes attack', where upon he caved in completely and told her to feel free. He sighed heavily and gave his patented 'I know I'm going to regret this look', before wandering off to let her negotiate.

Fortunately it appeared his 'Overdeveloped sense of duty' didn't extend to protecting Storeman from Nabiki.

Inside he was grinning. She just looked so cute when she did the 'eyes' bit, besides it's not like anyone ever found the same magical shop twice, so he might as well spend all the store credit they had for him.

Browsing through the store he ran across a sight that made his heart nearly stop in his chest. A big sign reading 'Martial arts scrolls'. With stars in his eyes ahem… with a manly grin he approached the bookcase and started devouring them like Genma at an all you can eat buffet.

Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken. Check.  
Bakusai Tenketsu. Check.  
Hiryu Shoten Ha. Check.  
Splitting Cat Hairs. Chec…No check.

Ranma blinked and started reading through it, memorizing all the details. Using chi to create a counterfeit copy of your aura moving in a set pattern. Simple enough, but not real useful. Could use it to annoy the old ghoul tho'. Grinning to himself he quickly memorized it. Easy enough to learn, but difficult to master. Just the way he liked them.

Cat Tongue Pressure Point Attack. Definitely not a check!

Examining it, he immediately saw it was the same basic technique Cologne had used on him, but there was more. The technique for reversing it was also on the scroll. This would really bug the old ghoul. Ranma couldn't help but chuckle, at being able to teach her something she didn't know abought one of her own techniques. He could also have Tofu reverse the one that was used on him. That at least would get rid of the nagging worry that the phoenix pill would wear off one day. Best set that one aside.

Xi Fang Xiao. Check.   
Delivery Box Blowout. Not a check.

But only really useful if fighting delivery style martial artists in some sort of delivery contest and how often would that happen?

Ranma quickly memorized it.

Ramen Suffocator. Check.  
Remote Control Acupuncture. Not a check.

From the looks of it, it wasn't something you could simply memorize. Better get this one as well.

Hakuchoken. Check.  
Keiran-ken. Check.  
Dachokyaku. Check  
Takazumeken. Check.  
Bullets and bracers. Not a check.

Hmmm. Prerequisites; Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken and having at least one parent be a god. So much for that idea.

Tiara boomerang toss. Not a check.

'And don't care. I sure as hell ain't becoming a Xena wanabe. Must be the Amazon section. Let's check this shelf.'

Okonomiyaki Chef techniques. Not a check.

'I can always learn them from Ukyou if I need them. Best set it aside. Ukyou might like a copy.'

Senpou-ken Whirlwind. Check.  
Shishi Hokoudan. Check.  
Hammerspace Attack. Definitely a check.  
Shooting Star Kick. Check.

Hiryu Kourin Dan. Check.  
Moko Takabisha. Definitely a check.

'I don't remember teaching these to anyone. Hey, they've even got my name on em. Cool! I'm famous!' Ranma grinned and put them back on the shelf.

Gourmet de Fois Gras. Check.  
Umi-sen-ken & Yami-sen-ken Techniques. Definitely not a check.

'Looks like the old man was holding out on me. I don't know half the moves on these. Best copy them too.'

Crouch of the Wild Tiger. Check…unfortunately.

Happo Daikarin, Happo Throw, Happo Battle Aura Blast, Happo 5 yen Satsu, Happo Extradimensional Warp, Happo Beanjam Blowout, Okuhida Hurricane/Silky Storm.

'Man is the freak going to be pissed when I learn these.'

Ranma giggled evilly, only to stop when he noticed Storeman staring at him with one eyebrow raised.

Storeman turned his attention back to Nabiki " The Guyver armor is generally…"

Ranma turned his attention back to the scrolls tuning out the two again.

Iron Fist. Not a check.

'Easy enough but more of a last defense type of thing and likely to kill your opponent.'

Ranma simply shoved it back on the shelf after glancing at it.

Iron Skin. Check.   
Suppressed Desire. Not a check.

'Go without food or sleep for how long? Gotta copy that one.'

Featherwalk. Check.   
Sexcraft. Not a check.

'Really Hentai, but some look a little useful. Best copy these too.'

Neko Ken. Check. shudder

Scanning it he saw there was a lot more to it then the small blurb Genma had in his 'training manual'.

'Best copy that too just in case there is something useful.'

Sinanju. Not a check.

'Korean based martial arts.' Ranma simply shrugged. Probably not that useful and he already had quite a bit he needed to copy. He slid it back on the shelf and carried the stack of scrolls up to the front counter and dropped them off glancing over to see if Nabiki was done yet.

"The Iczelion battle bikini is top of the line when you are looking for …."

'Yep. Nabs will be a while. I think I need to expand my horizons a bit. At least that's what Nabiki keeps telling me. Something new….hmmm. What would be the last thing they would expect of me? To marry Kuno. shudder Ok how abought second to last? Using a weapon? That would surprise them and it's not like anyone else fights without them around here. I'll just have to be sure not to rely on them.'

Ranma wandered through the store examining the different sections. 'Viruses and alien DNA injections. Henshin Rods for the magical girl on the go.' Pausing to examine them he noticed they all came with name plates describing their means of empowerment and functions.

'Pretty Jailbait Kasumi Henshin Rod' Empowered by the repressed libido of the average Japanese housewife. Channels the unfulfilled and repressed sexual desires of the nations married female population.  
Activation phrase: "Never underestimate the power of a Japanese housewife."  
Note: Only useable by girls under the age of consent for battle against tentacle beasts.  
Errata: The shorter the skirt the more powerful the magic girl. Skirt length on P.J.K.H.R. practically non-existent.

Ranma could feel enormous amounts of power radiate off of it. The fact that it was also humming and floating an inch above the table was also a bit of a clue.

'Not a chance. I don't care how powerful it is. There ain't no way anyone is going to get me to use one of those. Besides it's kinds shaped like a…'

Quickly walking through that section he came to the 'Magical and Mystical weapons.' section.

Hammer of Thor. 'No desire to become a blonde haired gaijin. No mallets, thanks.'  
The Ebony Blade. 'Hmmm. Blood curse. Nope.'  
Silver Surfer's cosmic surfboard. 'Attracts the attention of a world devouring entity. Not a chance.'  
The Ruby of Cyttorek. 'Transform into a huge unstoppable mountain of muscle. Nah. My clothes wouldn't fit.'  
Soulsword. 'Only harms mystical creatures and magical entities. Wielder will form a bond with two teenage girls. Got enough already.'

'None of these seem right. I wonder if Nabiki is done yet.'

"The moldiver suit is a fascinating…"

'Nope. There has to be something here. What's this?'

Ranma examined a table piled with odds and ends.

Bracers of defense. Standard indestructible bracers magically spelled to increase wearers defense against blunt damage. +2/+8 versus uncute tomboys.

'I'm dreaming. That's the only explanation. Screw it.'

"Come to Papa!" Ranma quickly picked up the black bracers and snapped them into place on his forearms. Caressing the black metal bands he had to admit this was his best birthday ever.

Searching the table once more he found a nice black silk shirt in his style with no tag or label.

'Must just be a shirt. I need some more anyway.'

Wayfarer's amulet. Leads the wearer unerringly to where they want to go. Cannot be lost or stolen unless willfully removed by owner.

'Ryoga could really use that. Of course he'll probably use it to track me down and yell 'Ranma Prepare to Die!', but still…'

Shrugging he picked it up and headed to the front where he found Nabiki already waiting with a shopping bag.

"Find anything good?"

"Martial arts scrolls, bracers, amulet, and a shirt. You?"

"I think I'll surprise you when you take me to lunch."

"I'm taking you to lunch? That is a surprise." Ranma replied with a grin.

"See I'm doing it already."

"Well let's ring all this up."

Placing everything on the counter and tapping his bracers to let Storeman know he had them, he awaited the verdict.

"To the penny."

"You mean all our purchases match the store credit exactly?" Nabiki was shocked.

"Yes. We do specialize in this sort of thing after all Ms. Frankly I would have been surprised if your purchases had not been to the penny." Storeman answered while packaging everything Ranma had bought.

Ranma just shrugged deciding not to question his good fortune. "Ready Nabiki?"

"Sure.

Ranma and Nabiki. Out to lunch.

The NWC and it's search for Ranma.

Happosai feeling a disturbance in the force...

Ryoga shows up!

**Something Else.**

Something Else.

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**For A Birthday****: Labels ****Episode 107280**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Storeman watched as his latest two victims customers left the store. It always felt so rewarding to help his customers along the road to greatness. Whether they liked it or not.

He paused as his Storeman sense™ started tingling. Something was wrong. With the speed of a Mother heading for the last Tickle me Elmo doll the night before Christmas, he charged across the store, only to find the problem was relatively minor.

Apparently one of the items on the bargain table had knocked off it's own label. The items on the table were placed there because most had at least one or two _slight_ problems or quirks, Although some were there just because they had a very limited range of use.

The bracers the boy had bought were a good example. They did function as bracers +2 in normal day to day life, but the enchantment that gave them +8 versus tomboys was rather expensive and how many people really needed it?

Several dozen boys throughout Japan sneezed for no apparent reason.

At any rate it was actually a better idea to buy a pair of Bracers +4 for the same price. Unless you found yourself surrounded by violent tomboys it was just a waste of money.

The Wayfarer's amulet likewise had it's own quirks. It would lead one by the fastest route possible to where they wanted to go, but it did that by analyzing it's users abilities. So while it was useful it was really frustrating for most people, as it lead them to an airport or a taxi stand. Mechanized travel really was the fastest way to travel these days.

One hundred years ago it was an undeniably powerful artifact, but these days it was more of a nuisance then anything else. The bonus enchantment that allowed the wielder to sense young women in trouble (within a five minute travel time radius) had been tossed in to entice someone to buy it.

Recalling the label on it from when the boy had bought it, he made a mental note to update the labels. The bonus enchantment hadn't even been listed. Oh, well. It would be a happy surprise for someone.

Examining the label in his hand he couldn't help but wonder why the boy would buy a(n)…

**Mutated Symbiote**

Techno-organic wear T-shirt 

Organic-wear Computer system

Shirt of Mallet Attraction +12

SE

SE now with Nutrasweet!

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**Techniques & Tights****: Break for lunch ****Episode 107910**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

"How abought that Café over there?" Nabiki asked, tugging on Ranma's arm to get his attention.

"Worlds of Adventure? Are you sure it's safe?" Ranma asked nervously.

"Sure. See the two people sitting at that table?" She pointed to a man in a red robe sitting with a woman in a gossamer white dress.

"Yeah, and?"

"I saw both of them working behind the counter at a couple of the local shops. If the locals eat here, you can be sure it's safe for us to eat here. I mean they'd hardly open themselves up to the kind of havoc these places cause when they run one themselves, right?"

"Ya got a point there Nabsy."

"Nabsy?" Nabiki linked her arm through his as she maneuvered them through the lunchtime crowd.

Ranma shrugged "Lunch is already on me, so as payment I get to change your name."

"You want to change my name? I just can't see myself as Nabsy Sa.. Tendo."

"Not Nabsyza. Just Nabsy. And not forever just for lunch."

Nabiki released his arm and sat down.

"OK, Airen."

"Airen?"

"Nabsy think is too, too cute idea."

Ranma paused as he glanced through the menu, grinning as he answered back,

"Ahhh the elation of spending time with my august personage must have rendered her imbecilic. Poor girl. Alas it is no less then to be expected, for am I not the great Ranma Satome, Rising star of the Breadstick fighting world whom others know as The Blue Blunder of Furinkan High!"

Standing and posing with a bread stick held high in his right hand, he was treated to the sight of Nabiki falling off her chair and laughing to beat the band.

The SRU wizard winced. That was too much to be borne lightly. When a simple wizard, such as himself, couldn't enjoy a lunchtime repast something had to be done. Raising a hand he prepared to cast…

**Remove curse. There had to be some sort of curse involved with that speech.**

Curse. For a speech like that he deserved it.

The wizard's tablemate casts...

Ryoga shows up!

SE!

SE! Now in Technocolor!

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**Techniques & Tights****: Intentions ****Episode 108281**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Vanessa simply beamed as she watched her boyfriend cast Remove Curse on the boy. She knew she'd been having a good effect on him. She'd bet her wand that if she kept seeing him he would change his ways yet!

Unaware of his girlfriend's current preoccupation Robert redoubled his efforts. He could feel the curse fighting him. For one of his power that was quite a surprise.

Magic is quite often more a matter of intentions then words and of intuition rather then law. So a wizard of enormous power could simply skip all the formalities and apply his power directly to a spell associated with someone.

However the problem with acting in that manner is that control is somewhat lacking. It was his intention that the curse associated with the boy that caused him to act that way be removed. As there was no curse cast on the boy causing him to act that way the magic searched for a proper target.

Magic has rules. Flexible though they are, they do exist and are enforced semi-rigidly. One of those rules is that the farther away a target is the more power is needed to effect it. That also applies to types of spells. A skilled mage could use an ice spell to heat a cup of coffee, but it cost much more in terms of power. Simply put, the farther by either type of spell or distance to target the more power is needed.

Which is how one SRU outlet wizard found himself pouring enough magical energy to turn Chicago into a carp into one Ranma Satome while trying to remove a curse he didn't have.

Vanessa watched as sweat beaded on her … friend's brow. Raising her wand she added her own magic into the mix. Being a fairy godmother her magic was naturally adept at illusionary and transformative spells.

Feeling Vanessa's magic mix with his own Robert couldn't help but feel a little surprised. He was removing a curse true, but he was doing it because it offended his sensibilities. A proper curse should only make the target suffer, anything else was just plain sloppiness.

Vanessa smirked. She was definitely going to make sure he received a proper reward for this!

Meanwhile back in Nerima...

Nabiki's reaction.

Ryoga shows up!

SE!

**Monkeys lots of Monkeys all over the keyboard!**

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**Techniques & Tights****: Curses, foiled again. ****Episode 108831**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Ranma found himself enclosed in a sphere of blue light as he stood there with his breadstick raised. Strangely enough his danger sense didn't even twinge. Heck he was beginning to feel like a weight was being taken from his shoulders, not a lot, just a couple of hundred pounds or so.

Small curses began to snap around him, as larger curses were weakened.

**The Curse of the interrupted Bath.** Cast on Genma by an angry priestess while he was training under Happosai. Genma was the largest target and the easiest to hit. The curse follows the family line. Genma found a priest that could cure it easily enough, but didn't feel like paying the extra 500 yen to prevent it from afflicting his heirs. A relatively minor curse, that insures that people will unintentionally interrupt one while bathing. Can be cured by a simple prayer apologizing to the Kamis of cleanliness. snap

**The Curse of Manliness.** Cast on Ranma by Genma, who didn't bother to read enough of the scroll to realize the author of the scroll was being sarcastic. Causes the victim to lose interest and fall asleep any time anything sufficiently scholarly is discussed. Can be overcome by force of will, if the victim hasn't become convinced that anything too scholarly was unmanly. snap

**The Curse of Parental Obedience.** Cast on Ranma by Genma. Causes victim to follow parental instruction on an instinctive level. Even after learning said instructions were bull will tend to fall back into obeying them on an instinctive level. Can be cured by spending at least eight months separated from affecting parent. snap

**The Curse of the foolish Disguise.** Cast on Genma and Ranma by a priest who believed that they had to be something supernatural in disguise, because of the amount they ate at an 'all you can eat' buffet held at his temple. Causes victim to believe that ridiculous and easy to see through disguise will fool everyone. Can be cured by simply examining ones self in a silver backed mirror while in 'disguise'. snap

**The Curse of Poor planning.** Cast on the Satome family line, somewhere back in history, by a rival clan who despised them because of their wealth. Causes victim and people associated with them to jump to conclusions and make plans with minimal facts available. Hard to cure but considered a minor curse because of its intermittent nature. snap

Robert finally collapsed in his seat only to find Vanessa occupying his lap and her tongue his mouth.

"Ranma? Are you ok?" A nervous Nabiki asked anxiously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Heck, I feel better then fine. It feels like someone just removed a boulder from my shoulders that I hadn't noticed before."

Glancing over at the wizard Ranma decided he really should thank him, before he decided to curse him for being ungrateful.

"Hey man. Thanks! I don't know what you did, but I feel loads better."

The wizard gave him a quick thumbs up, being unable to respond because of his girlfriend's attempts to remove his tonsils with her tongue.

Ranma shrugged and smiled at a relieved Nabiki. "Man I feel good. So did you decide what to order?" Nabiki just stared at Ranma for a moment before shrugging it off as being not that big a deal, considering Ranma's usual daily chaos. "How abought we just order a couple of burgers and a soda?" Ranma nodded. "Sounds good to me."

Meanwhile back in Nerima...

What is Kuno up to?

Ryoga shows up!

**On with lunch!**

SE!

SE Jr. Awww isn't it cute?

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**Techniques & Tights****: What about Bob? ****Episode 109283**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Nabiki waved down the waitress and told her their order before asking if she could use the restroom to change real quick. The waitress Sally just waved her towards the back, behind the counter.

Nabiki couldn't help but grin. Ranma was in for quite a surprise. The bag from Zero to Hero rustled as she slid into the restroom.

"A large Dr. Pecker, a sweaty pair, and a couple of sliders, make 'em cheesy, to go!"

Ranma just blinked. He had always wonder exactly who had come up with the language short order cooks used. Was it really too much trouble to actually call out what was ordered? Was there some waitress and cook, way back when, who got bored and started posing orders as riddles? Maybe Ukyou would know.

"Ahem."

Hearing Nabiki clearing her throat behind him broke his train of thought, so he turned around to see what she had decided on from all the things she had been looking at while at the Hero shop.

"So what do you think?"

Nabiki gave a little twirl, showing off the form fitting set of bluish-gray coveralls she was wearing. A wrench and hammer on her belt completed the ensemble with just a glint of silver at the neck cluing him in to the fact that she had bought an amulet as well.

"Well?"

Nabiki stood with one hand on her hip and the other behind her head in a classic cheesecake pose.

"Looks good," Ranma replied with an appreciative grin "but what do they do?"

Nabiki slid into her seat.

"Well, what you said abought working with your hands earlier intrigued me. Working with my own hands to make something that would also be profitable wouldn't be such a bad thing. Beholden to no one and able to create has it's attractions."

Ranma smirked.

Exasperation colored her voice. "Come on Satome, even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

Ranma somehow managed to increase his smirking level after that comment.

Nabiki rolled her eyes at him.

"Anyway. I wanted to get something useful without dealing with a lot of negatives. Like a sudden desire to take over the world or using gadgets that could make billions on patent rights to knock over jewelry stores for just a hundred thousand yen or so."

Nabiki and Ranma thanked Sally as she slid their plates in front of them before continuing.

"So I asked abought some powerful items to get a feel for pricing and have something to compare to the items I planned on buying, if I could find anything. Just because I'm spending your money doesn't mean I'm going to waste it. I figured I could get a better deal that way."

Ranma nodded while eating at a normal speed for once. Genma being quite a distance from wherever here was he didn't feel the need to use the Satome speed eating technique.

Nabiki took a sip of her soda and ate one of her fries before continuing.

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I managed to get three items for the price of one. I discovered that as long as picked I low powered items from a seldom used selection I could get more and varied abilities. I figure I'm much better as a support personnel type then a frontline fighter anyway."

Ranma rubbed his right shoulder gently. "Now if only we could convince Akane of that."

Nabiki winced. "Still hurt from when Akane insisted she could fight that Casserole monster and you had to jump in and save her from its projectile swordfish parts?"

Ranma started to scratch his shoulder. "Nah, just itches a bit. I think the damn spines on the thing were poisoned."

"When does my sister ever cook something that isn't poisoned?"

"Well she does make a mean curry." Ranma grinned in remembrance.

"You mean the one that ate the neighbors cat and you take out to play fetch with in the park at nights?"

Ranma turned pale. "You know about Bob?"

Nabiki sighed "Relax Ranma. I've known about him all this time and I haven't said anything, nor do I intend to. Kasumi even plays with it when we're all at school."

Color came back to his cheeks as he relaxed. "She doesn't mind?"

"Not at all. She say's it keeps the mice population down and is good company. She's even been teaching it tricks."

"Like what?"

"Well she said you covered all the standard pet commands, so she has been trying to train it to change form. Recently she got it to do a hot dog with bun and an igloo. She's got it trained to do dog down pat, but even as a dog it's spiked, green, and armor plated, so I wouldn't suggest taking it out in public."

"Anyone else know?"

"Well P-Chan avoids the basement at all costs. He's convinced there's a demon down there."

Ranma snickered.

"Sasuke pets it when he's hiding in the floorboards. Kodachi has been feeding it on the sly when she's sure no one is around. She spends hours talking to it when you go on training trips so it doesn't get lonely."

Ranma just sat there stunned. "So much for me being able to keep it a secret."

"It's not that bad. It just tends to whine when you aren't around. That's how Kasumi found it and you know how she is. She thought it was just adorable. Sasuke found out about it because it lurks under the floorboards during the day. Kodachi found out because of Sasuke and she saw you playing with it in the park. I asked her about it one night when I saw her sneaking into the basement. She thinks it's simply darling that you have a pet and further proof that you have a gentle heart worthy of her."

Ranma's mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out.

Nabiki just grinned. "Haven't you noticed Kodachi has been a bit more circumspect in her quest for your affections or that Kasumi has been making sure you get the big piece of chicken when she serves it? Your pet is the ugliest babe magnet in existence."

Nabiki laughed as Ranma began to shiver in fear.

"Please tell me your kidding!" Ranma begged.

"I wish I could. The Sailor Senshi even showed up one night because someone had reported it as a Youma. Kasumi convinced them not to dust it. Several of the girls were interested in meeting someone who would treat something that ugly kindly, until the green haired Senshi with the staff started beating them with it. She was cussing up a blue streak and made them swear to never attempt to meet you or she would do something with her staff they wouldn't like. I saw several of them writing down our address anyway."

It was at that point that Ranma passed out.

On with Lunch!

Kuno goes to the Mall.

**Ryoga finally shows up.**

SE!

**Read the comments on this episode**

**Techniques & Tights****: One BLT to go. ****Episode 110170**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Nabiki was smirking to herself as she ate her fries, waiting for Ranma to regain his senses, when she heard a rather familiar announcement.

"Ranma, Prepare to…huh?"

Ryoga glanced down at Ranma's prone form and then up at Nabiki's amused grin.

"What did you do to him?"

"Nothing, I just told him some things he wasn't ready to hear."

Nabiki's grin unnerved the lost boy a bit, as he sat down and waited for Ranma to wake up.

"So… How did you two end up in Hakido anyway?"

Nabiki took a sip of her soda before replying, "We aren't in Hakido. This is some sort of Magic Mall and as for where it is... I have no idea. You have to buy something before it lets you out."

Ryoga scratched the back of his head, wondering if he should mention that he's been here quite a few times.

"Whasssit?"

Ranma slowly sat up, rubbing his head as he tried to think of how he could avoid having the Sailor Senshi end up as yet more fiancées. He was fairly sure they fit the bill; beautiful, violent, and looking for a boyfriend. That pretty much described all the women he was engaged (and/or married by some quaint law) to.

whack

"Ow! What'd ya do that for ya… Oh, Hi Ryoga!"

Ryoga frowned. This wasn't quite the reaction he was seeking or used to from Ranma. He seemed really happy to see him and hadn't insulted him yet and he had been fully conscious for over five seconds already!

"I got ya somethin'…"

Ranma was interrupted by Ryoga's stomach letting off a growl that almost rivaled one of Ranma's own.

"How about I get ya some lunch first?"

Ryoga rubbed the back of his head and looked down, embarrassed to be put in this position. He had wanted to attack Ranma… but he was hungry… and Ranma wasn't being insulting. Add to that, that he didn't have any money on him and well…

Ranma took the decision from him by ordering, "Hey can I get a foot long sub, lots of meat, but no pork please?"

"So what brings you by this way Habiki?"

"_One Hero, make it a foot long and really beefy, on the straight and narrow."_

"I was looking for Ranma. You see I ran into an old monk, in a cave in the center of Tokyo, which is rather bizarre because I don't remember there being penguins in Tokyo, or so much snow… Anyway he had this scroll with a technique based on changing strength into speed, but it takes a lot of endurances and I wanted to test it out on Ranma." Ryoga finished a little bit uncomfortable at mentioning the fact that he was planning on beating the person who was buying him lunch senseless.

"Really? Cool!"

Ranma practically did a dance in his chair as Nabiki just sighed. 'I'll never understand these two.'

"You don't mind?"

"Hell no! I been watin' for ya to come up with something new for a while now. I figured you would either come up with something to speed you up or slow me down, or maybe even some new type of attack. Like refining the breaking point to move the earth the way the Old Ghoul moves water, like the Shark fist."

Ryoga froze in place, completely lost in thought, not even noticing the sub that was placed in front of him, even while he was eating it.

Nabiki opened her mouth to say something, only to stop when Ranma held a finger to her lips. Blushing a bit she stared down at her lap and waited for Ryoga to come out of whatever fugue state he was in.

Ranma's eyes danced as he watched Ryoga, passing him the remains of his fries, which Ryoga ate with the same absent minded deliberation.

"That could work… I could make a simple ground wave pretty easily. Making it into an animal form would take a lot longer and a lot more skill, but a simple wave? I could do that in my sleep!"

Ranma slipped the amulet he had bought into Ryoga's hand.

Ryoga paused just before he was abought to bite it. "What's this?"

"It's an amulet, bought it at a magic shop that makes stuff for heroes. It's suppose to lead you straight to wherever you want to go without fail. Can't be lost, stolen, or dropped. Ya have to willingly take it off if ya want to get rid of it."

Ryoga stared at the simple grey talisman like it was the Holy Grail. Quickly he slipped it around his neck where it glimmered a little and faded into his skin.

"Where'd it go?" Ryoga scrabbled at his neck suddenly holding the talisman again. "What the hell was that?"

"I guess it's how they can guarantee ya'll never lose it. It kinda slid into ya for a moment and then when ya wanted to take it off it was back in your hand."

"How in the world did you figure that out Satome?" Nabiki arched an eyebrow.

Ranma straightened up from his habitual slouch and started speaking in lecturing tones. "A magic item has it's own aura or power source if you will. The spell is patterned into the item in such a way that by deciding the object is yours and you wish to wear it, it activates the portion of the spell dealing with it's physical placement relative to you and your placement within space time. It slides into your aura and by using you as an anchor, it gets a clear feel for exactly where you are and where your goal is in reference to you, allowing it to alter your aura in such a way that the destination becomes clear in your mind as well."

Ryoga and Nabiki stared at him in slack jawed amazement.

"What? It's all on the card." Ranma held up a small card that had written on it, word for word, the entire speech he had just given.

crash

Ranma looked down at the two splayed out on the ground.

"Come on. It's similar to Mousse's hidden weapons trick, just it references the entire world to **you** rather then what you have stored."

Realizing that it did indeed have a lot of similarities to something involving the Martial Arts and feeling strangely relieved that Ranma hadn't suddenly developed a high IQ, Ryoga and Nabiki climbed back into their chairs feeling that all was right once again with the world or at least as much as it ever was around Ranma.

**On with Lunch!**

Kuno goes to the Mall.

Back at the Fiancee fights.

SE!

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	5. Chapter 5

**Just Ranma**

**Ranma's Daughter****: The valley of the shadow of... ****Episode 100270**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Ranma was happier then he had ever remembered being. His little girl was giggling and running just ahead of him as he laughed and attempted to tag her. Funny how he kept losing his balance and falling off just as he was abought to get her. You would almost think he was losing on purpose.

If all children were as wonderful as his little Ranko he could understand why his Mom was so set on him having kids as soon as possible. He had the feeling his Mother would 'connect' to Ranko just as he had.

He could tell you her birthdate and when she had taken her first steps without even thinking abought it. The knowledge of who she was and how she felt was as much a part of him as his own name. He could feel happiness radiate off her like heat.

Pops didn't seem to get her, but he was sure his Mom would. Pops wasn't the type to 'waste' time with a little girl. His mother on the other hand would spoil her rotten.

'Maybe Mom would like to go clothes shopping with us?'

It was kinda interesting how Kasumi had reacted. She acted surprised, but at the same time she had also made Ranko's favorite dishes. While in the kitchen she had moved around Ranko like she was used to her rushing around.

Little children were famous for getting under foot but Kasumi had moved like having Ranko around was second nature. Ranma was actually surprised that Kasumi hadn't know Ranko, but it wasn't something Kasumi would hide.

'Would she?'

Nabiki and Mr.Tendo still seemed to be in shock. They were recovering quickly, but they still seemed surprised every time they laid eyes on her. They weren't exactly the kinds of people children would gravitate towards so maybe the bond was a two way street.

'Makes sense.'

The more you loved her and she loved you, the greater the knowledge of who she really was. So why didn't her own mother know her? Sure Akane was short tempered and tended to see things the way she wanted them to be rather then what they actually were, but to not know her own daughter?

Ranma grinned and dove forward catching Ranko in a hug as she slipped off the fence when he heard a bone chilling sound.

"Rinnggg, Rinnggg"

The Bicycle of Death was coming and he knew he didn't even have time to set Ranko down before it struck them.

Miraculously the shadow of the Bicycle of Death passed completely over them landing a good five feet away.

"Hi, Airen! Who too too cute little girl?"

Shampoo meets Ranko and upon finding out who she is declares...

... Obstacles are for ...

**... tickling! (Shampoo knows her?)**

... Killing! (Evil Amazon option.)

"Da... Da... Da... Da..." A Blue sceen of death for the purple haired Amazon  
who is going to need time to reboot her brain.

Something Else.

**Read the comments on this episode**

**Ranma's Daughter****: The battle of Stolen Nose. ****Episode 101533**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

"This is my daughter Ranko." Ranma answered nervously, unsure of how Shampoo would respond.

"Daughter?" Shampoo stood there and blinked for a minute or so before getting down on one knee next to Ranko and examining her.

Same dress sense. Check.  
Possibly genetic.

Same adorably cute face as Ranma, when he was female and de-aged by the mushrooms. Check.  
Definitely Ranma's daughter, but he was much too young to have a child this old.

Probably time travel or something similar to the Nab-ban mirror was involved. You'd have to be an idiot to think Ranma had her normally. Airen was still much to shy to do anything remotely involved in the making of children.

Somewhere in Nerima, while complaining to her friends abought the latest offense against her, a tomboy sneezed.

Same deep blue eyes. Check.  
A smile slowly blossomed on Shampoo's face like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

"Surprise Musk attack!" Shampoo darted forward her hand reaching out for Ranko's face, before darting back with one hand thrust skyward proudly .

"Shampoo has claimed the nose!" Happy Dance

Ranko started searching for something, checking her pockets and making gripping motions with her hands in a variety of positions with growing agitation.

Shampoo stopped dancing and whipped out two small Bonbori which she hastily handed to Ranko.

Ranko regained her grin and posed like a samurai. "I, the noble and beautiful, Ranko Satome shall reclaim my honor and nose, from the smelly and evil Musk warrior!"

Ranma watched stunned as his daughter attacked Shampoo.

Shampoo easily held her off, but for her age it was impressive. The giggling and grins disappeared as they posed once more.

Ranko held her Bonbori in a stance that Ranma recognized quite well. It was one of Shampoo's neutral stances, able to switch between offence and defense quickly.

Shampoo crouched down to Ranko's level with her fingers curled into claws.

"Now too-too cute girl must face dreaded Amazon technique, feared by all the Chinese Emperors (when they is small children) all through history! I Katchu & Tickle Amaguriken!"

Watching Shampoo train and play with his daughter Ranma couldn't help but smile.

Things had turned out much better then he had expected.

Ranma quizzes Shampoo on how she knows Ranko so well.

Mousse does something very stupid.

Ryoga attacks without checking for innocent bystanders.

Akane complaining to her friends.

SE!

SE! Now with Riboflavin!

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	6. Chapter 6

**Ranma\Starwars **

**Exiled Jedi****: I think I'm a clone now. Episode 104812**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

It all started with a simple idea that required a rather complex execution to pull off and a single mistake to completely screw it up.

Dr. Shagvin was the current head of the biological research department and he was fascinated by the many ways he could create life via cloning. (The fact that he had a god complex was well know and played upon by anyone who had contact with him.) Clones fascinated and repelled him.

He had been expelled from the Academy on Yerphonia for immoral and unethical practices involving clones.

The less said abought the 'Deneelian Fizz Pudding incident' the better.

Clones were useful to a degree, but the stronger a clone was in the force the more it tended to interfere with the original, as well as other clones based on the same Recombinant DNA source, and as Vader wished to have a force strong clone to train, Dr. Shagvin came up with the idea of creating a chimera based on the DNA of two closely related force strong individuals, neatly side stepping the interference factor.

They had collected quite a database of Jedi and Sith DNA. The most closely related samples they had however were from a male and a female, which complicated matters nicely and insured that he would be widely know in his specific intellectual circle when he pulled this off.

Having met all the requirements to feed his ego of a proper scientific endeavor worthy of his genius (and near Ranma sized ego) he set abought bringing his creation to life.

Now your normal mad scientist would have simply discarded the Y chromosome and combined the X sets to create a female chimera, which would have suited Vader nicely. Dr. Shagvin however had something your average mad scientist didn't! He had the second largest collection of hermaphroditic porn in the galaxy!

He had had the largest collection until an overweight mute Jedi, simply know as Bob, had raided his collection at the request of Randall Szechwan.

Finding a way of interlacing the DNA strands to create a full hermaphrodite was difficult. One incorrect sequence would completely destroy the subject. After a full six months of trial and error he discovered the key. Factoring in 15 Zolan Clawdite DNA insured a viable product even if the clone was riddled with errors.

Zolan Clawdite DNA was extremely forgiving to work with, patching holes and fragmented sequences with it's own.

Unfortunately it was all for naught. His work was hailed as a success by Vader when he had taken the measure of the gestating infant in the forced maturation tank, it was indeed force strong.

However even after all of Vader's kind words Dr. Shagvin knew he had failed, for it had only one set of genitalia.

Even the later discovery that it would switch sex via temperature variant medium exposed to it's epidermal layer did little to cheer him up. Sex changing bore quite little resemblance to being dual sexed after all.

Vader had failed to show up as the chimera neared the end of its maturation cycle, and the doc was too depressed to bother with it, so the lab's AI fed in a basic skills pack modified and updated repeatedly at the chimera's request.

One week later the chimera vanished. The only clue left behind was a storm trooper found unconscious in the janitors closet stripped naked talking abought being attacked by some red haired boy.

Meanwhile…

The Tatooine Manhunt must go on.

Or rewinding back to attempts to take down a certain skunk.

Or switching back to Jabba's throne room, where evil plots  
were working, and how is Ranko going to style her hair appropriately  
if Jabba succeeds in taking her as a new slave girl?

Oh, I guess we could name this new apprentice. It's...

Squirrels stole my option! (In other words, It gets nutty!)

Something else!

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	7. Chapter 7

**Ranma\Generic Campy Horror Movie**

**Field Trip of the Darned****: The Very Grateful Dead! ****Episode 65796**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Ranma looked around for someplace where he could see abought reattaching Nabiki's head before Akane or one of the others caught up and blamed him for her current condition and/or started some crazy rumor that would get completely out of hand.

Just the fact that the words; head, Nabiki, and Ranma were involved assured that by the time it arrived at Akane it would be mutated to such an extent that he would end up in worse condition then Nabiki was at present.

Ducking into the guard's shack he quickly closed the door behind him before discovering that a little remodeling had been done while it was a house of ill repute.

"Just like a guy. Give him some head, let him have your body and he heads straight for the nearest bedroom." Nabiki snickered as Ranma panicked dumping her body on the heart shaped bed, quickly followed by dropping her head in her own lap.

Ranma's heart was pounding a mile a minute, positive that he definitely wasn't going to get out of this situation in one piece. There was a mallet out there with his name on it.

He had seen Akane carve it into the handle one day when she was bored.

"What's gotten into you? Your head's not attached to your body and your acting like it's some sort of joke!"

"Mmmhhhmmhmh!"

"Huh?"

"Mmmmmhhhhhhmmmmhh!"

Ranma slapped himself and turned Nabiki's head around on the bed.

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just turn my head back to where it was and give me a couple of minutes."

"What?"

"You heard me. Flip me back around."

"But your head was…."

"I know, and even after 5 years of yoga I never managed to get it there before. Let me enjoy it while it lasts!"

"Damn it Nabiki! This is no time to be fooling around."

"Are you kidding me? This is the perfect time! I can give the ultimate head!"

Ranma just stared at Nabiki blankly.

sigh

"OK, but you owe me big for this Satome! I want your word that you'll pay me back when I demand it for missing this once in a life… whatever opportunity!"

"You have my word. Now let's see if we can't fix this."

Nabiki waited impatiently while Ranma searched through his pockets for a needle and thread. Fortunately he had started carrying around some small amount of sewing supplies after the fifth time his shirt had gotten ripped in a fight at school and Akane had malleted him for 'flirting'.

Lining up the head carefully he watched in amazement as the skin suddenly flowed back together like… well truthfully he was stumped at what it flowed back together like. There really isn't anything remotely similar to watching your fiancée's sister's head meld itself back to her body.

"Whoa!"

"Is it on straight?"

Ranma's mind decided it had had enough and shutdown. It wasn't what had happened to Nabiki that got to him, it was the way she was smiling and joking without charging him a single yen.

Nabiki snickered as Ranma collapsed on her.

'This has to be the strangest dream I've ever had.'

Nabiki decides to call in her marker. Might as well make the most of  
her dream while it lasts.(Lemon)

Akane and P-chan search for a way out. Akane learns to never let P-chan   
lead.

Hinako is having trouble. Draining the undead is hard work and she's   
getting rather thirsty.

**This option intentionally left blank.**

Squirrels stole my option! (In other words, It gets nutty!)

SE!

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	8. Chapter 8

**Ranma\God knows what all!**

**Emperor Ranma of Mongo****: The Smurfenator! Episode 44079**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

The Smuflek shook around them as Papa Smurf unloaded another blast at an approaching xenomorph. Papa Smurf's evil laughter echoed through the vessel sounding a lot more like Gargamel's then anyone was comfortable hearing. "Take that you Smurfing smurfers!"

Handy shudder to hear it, knowing that he had to do something before Papa Smurf lost all his smurfiness.

Smurf's just weren't made for war. It had a strange effect on them. For instance, Papa Smurf's insistence that Grouchy and Greedy wear red shirts just made no sense. He was definitely smurfing it, and not in a good way. Something had to be done and soon.

So Handy had decided that if Smurfs couldn't battle... then they must create something to battle in their place, even if he had to use magic to help create it.

That's why The smurflings and Grandpappy Smurf were with him gathered around a blob of liquid metal singing loudly.

A silver xenomorph had attacked them, but for some reason their singing had driven it off so fast it had left part of its own hand in the Smuflek. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough.

Consulting with Grandpappy, while the smurflings pinned it in place by standing around it and singing, they came up with a workable plan.

Grandpappy was reading aloud from 'The Big Book of Smurf', his voice taking on an eerie cadence as he harmonized with the smurflings. The words seemed to fade from the mind just as soon as they were heard.

He motioned occasionally for Handy to toss something onto the squirming pool of liquid metal at certain times.

PLOP  
A rectangle from the head of one of the human shaped machine.

PLOP  
A handful of smurf-berries.

PLOP  
A pinch of magic dust.

PLOP  
One of Jokey's surprises.

Blink  
"One of Jokey's surprises? That wasn't suppose to go in there."

The laughter behind him cued him in to exactly who was responsible. "JOKEY!"

The hissing sound from Jokey's surprise began to get louder, just as Grandpappy Smurf was winding down to the final incantation.

"Klatu Verata..." BOOM "...Nickel."

Everyone was blown back by the blast as it fused with the magic, raising a fog of burnt gunpowder at the epicenter.

Grandpappy Smurf put it very succinctly when he simply said in a very worried voice "Oh, Smurf."

The smurflings even quited down as a shape began to form in the smoke.

"Congratulations Jokey. You may have just smurfed us all!"

"Ahhh, Come on Handy. I was just having a little fun."

Visions of Jokey wearing a red shirt began to run through Handy's brain as he saw the smoke swirled away.

Standing where the pool of metal had been was a silver smurf with the most evil grin he had ever seen. "Come smurf some!"

The smurfenator...

...works better then planned.

...attacks everyone.

...attacks all of the smurfs wearing red shirts...

...and then attacks the enemy! 

SE!

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	9. Chapter 9

**Ranma\DBZ\SM**

**Vegita Saotome?!****: Vagita Satome doesn't lose! Well hardly ever... ****Episode 98875**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Venus glanced over at Mercury and Frowned. "I said go pubic and I meant it! I'll be damned if the Senshi of Love is the only one who doesn't get any."

Venus began to smile as she warmed to the idea. "Let's see some stupid curse try and stop Vegita! I just need to get my parents out of town and reinforce my bed frame."

As the resulting Senshi made another trip to the ground (via face fault), with the exception of Makoto who was wondering if having a short boyfriend would really be that bad, Venus began to glow with lust… err power.

"I have a hunk and a half with muscles to spare, and as god is my witness I will never go horny again!"

At that moment in Atlanta Georgia an earth quake of 3.5 was registered centered on the Oakland cemetery.

Vegita narrowed his eyes as he felt Venus begin to rise in power. Apparently her power was more in the form of marital arts then martial arts. Vegita nodded to himself. She was worthy and her priorities were certainly in line with his own.

Dominance would be decided as it was between saiyans. A bedroom match it would be and he would come out on top!

Venus began to hover and go through her own transformation while rubbing her hands together and giggling to herself.

Watching her power level continue to rise he thought to himself 'Maybe the middle'

Small rocks began to levitate as they got caught in Venus's aura, as her body became a bit more lush. Wings sprouted from her back, but the look in her eyes was anything but angelic.

'or possibly the bottom for a little while, but in the end I will be on top because Vegita Satome doesn't lose!'

Venus pins him in the street (Lemon)

Pluto tries to interfere...

...and Venus removes her from play!

...takes her with them!

The Inners scatter trying to avoid being caught up in this match...

...except Makoto. Who was busy debating having a short hunky boyfriend.

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	10. Chapter 10

**Ranma\SM\Eldritch Horror**

**Pluto's 'Rampage': Dark Senshi****: Mistress .9? (Pie!) ****Episode 100611**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

It had existed for eons uncounted in the void between worlds.

Wandering and waiting…

Searching and testing…

Knowing that one day it would find a weakness in the weft.

A place where the veil could be breached, allowing it to roam free.

Free to destroy!

Free to enslave!

Free to feed!

A glint of light in the void caught it's attention.

A momentary weakness in the fabric of it's cage.

A hole of clearly inadequate dimensions.

Frown

It seemed to shrug in the darkness.

With a mighty roar it leapt at the tiny aperture.

It's immense form was much too large to fit through so small a portal, but a portion of it's essence could easily be sent.

'Damn that's a tiny hole!'

A very small portion.

The microscopic section of it's vast evil shuddered in ecstasy as it was flung through the portal. It's programming was simple and easy for it's reduced intelligence to understand.

Enslave the appropriate being.

Feed and grow strong.

Open a portal large enough to allow Pharaoh 90 access to this world.

The most evil being possible in this realm was found, scanned, and encoded into it's genes. A being of such vileness that this world's greatest warrior would run in fear at the mere sight of it.

Unfortunately there was a small problem…

The sheer selfishness of the creature altered it's programming to add the line 'When I feel like it.' to it's final objective.

With a mighty Roar it announced it's presence to the mortals!

"Mew!"

'What?' The evil from beyond blinked it's cute little eyes and stared at it's own nose in puzzlement. 'This is the most evil being on this plane of existence?'

Mistress .9 has arrived...

and been captured by the professor...

**...as a pet for his sickly daughter.**

Something else?

**Read the comments on this episode**

**Pluto's 'Rampage': Dark Senshi****: Ultimate evil? (Pie!) ****Episode 100718**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

This was simply unacceptable.

Instead of being a creature of unfathomable evil, whose very presence would cause fear and panic among the population, she was an adorable little creature that was picked up and cuddled.

How could a simple spell, designed to read the fabric of this reality and design the ultimate evil based on it, go so wrong?

Her attempts to savagely maul the person that had picked her up was giggled over, then she was fed something called tuna.

OK, The tuna was amazing and the petting was certainly something she could get use to, but her attempts at giggling evilly had come out as a soft rumble that someone said was a purr?

Professor Tomoe wondered briefly why they kept finding these kittens in the lab, but dismissed the thought as he examined the cute little blond haired kitten. It was so adorable the way it chewed on his thumb and purred.

Hotaru would just love it!

He knew he was spoiling her, but she just seemed so happy when he got her another pet. She was even beginning to show signs of improvement as she took care of them. They were working better then any medication the doctors had proscribed.

He handed the kitten to his wife, gave her a kiss on the cheek and said he needed to recalibrate the system so he would be home in a couple of hours.

Mistress .9 giggled evilly. 'Corrupting a child will be easy, and once I have the child her parents will follow.'

Keiko giggled at the purring bundle of fur in her hands. It was just so adorable. Rubbing the little pyramid shaped bare patch on it's forehead she carried it out to the car. "I just know my little Hotaru will love you."

Mistress .9 looked around the room in confusion.

Everywhere she looked she saw the avatars of death and destruction. All of them stuck in the form of kittens. Well… almost all, Apparently Athena and Aphrodite's attempts at something similar had lead to the creation of the pair of little white mice currently occupying a cage on the dresser.

Cthulhu's spawn, Cthtar A.K.A. Mr. Wiggles, grinned from it's favorite spot on the window sill. White teeth gleamed in it's little green furred face as the sun highlighted the bare patch on it's forehead shaped like a squidish monstrosity.

'It looks like Professor Tomoe has re-calibrated his machine again.'

Cthtar A.K.A. Mr. Wiggles explains the facts of life to the new arrival ...

... and tells of the legendary couple of Artemis and Luna ...

... Whose plan had nearly succeeded in destroying mankind!

Meanwhile Pinky and The Brain, A.K.A. Aphrodite and Athena, make plans of   
their own!

Something Else.

**Read the comments on this episode**


	11. Chapter 11

**Ranma\Golddiggers**

**Changing Times****: Forgotten Feline Fallacies Episode 81267**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Konatsu's eyes searched the room for something to take his mind off his current predicament, when he just happened to focus on Ranma for a moment.

Now Konatsu was a bit different from the rest of the Nermian Wrecking Crew in that he actually had a fair amount of schooling and was capable of thinking things through, and coming to a correct conclusion without having to wait for the inevitable sound of fecal matter hitting the rotating air circulation device.

Ranma + Cat Bad.

RanmaCat + (-Cat) Good.

RanmaCat + WaterX -Cat.

X Warm/Female or Cold/Male.

RanmaCat regardless of X Bad.

Taking in the size and species of Cat Ranma had turned into and using his extensive knowledge of Lycanthropes (Popular movies, Comics, and TV shows) as a base for an animalistic Were, versus the kind sitting around this room, he came to several conclusions quickly.

1.Ranma was much stronger and faster then a normal human when not in the Neko-Ken. Y.   
2.Ranma became ridiculously fast and strong when in the Neko-Ken. Y².  
3.Lycanthropes were much stronger and faster then normal humans. Y³.  
Q.Ranma as a Lycanthrope in the Neko-Ken was probably going to break his calculator.

Ranma's control had been slipping before he had been placed in a room full of Werecats and only the sleep spell cast by the mage was keeping him asleep. Ranma had been hit with many kinds of mind influencing spells and magic devices before, and none of them had worked as their wielders had wished. It didn't seem likely that a sleep spell would be effective for long.

One word slipped past Konatsu's lips without his conscious knowledge, "Neko-Ken"

The response among the conscious Nermians was notable. A sort of dawning horror followed by all of them cramming themselves into the corner of the room farthest from the ticking time bomb . . . errrr sleeping martial artist.

Dr. Diggers blinked wondering how someone had managed to sneak a mass teleport spell past him, even if it had only teleported those involved a dozen feet away. He was just opening his mouth to ask when he became distracted by a duck wearing glasses, poling itself in a cage, across the room to join them.

Neko awakes and feels . . . Playful. 

Neko awakes and is hungry. sniff Birds and Rodents are available?

The Neko-Ken seems to be having a strange effect on Ranma's form.  
It seems the Neko-Ken training wasn't designed for humans after all.   
The ever popular Weresmildion option? 

Ranma sleeps peacefully, for the moment.

Ranma awakens and . . .

Something Else!!!

Back to episode 81234

View episode chain

**Read the comments on this episode**


	12. Chapter 12

**Naruto/The Bet**

**Mischief Fragment: ****Sisterly Love** **Episode 205347**

**by dogbertcarroll**

Hinata's smile slowly began to grow, as she read the lips of her father and 'Genma' from a rooftop a block away, where she was hiding behind a metal flue, having followed the thin line of chakra from Naruto's navel to where 'Genma' was betting with her father.

It was obvious to her what was going on. 'Genma' was one of Naruto's special techniques, that Naruto was using to ensure that he and his best friend, Sasuke, got advanced training without anyone knowing and now he was using it to get engaged to HER!

It was so sneaky and… perfect!

Her father would never have engaged Hinata to Naruto under normal circumstances. If there had even been a hint that Naruto was attracted to her, her father would have engaged her to someone in the clan already, so Naruto had hidden his attraction and in proper ninja fashion was tricking her father into engaging them so he couldn't complain or he would lose face.

Of course, that meant Naruto couldn't show he knew what was going on, he'd have to act shy and reserved, like it was a complete surprise. He'd even have to act that way in private, just in case one of the clan was watching them. She'd have to take the lead and… encourage things along, while Naruto played dumb, but then he was good at that. The number of pranks she'd seen him pull, hiding in the shadows and watching him act innocent…

Naruto must have been watching her, like she'd watched him. All those long nights, in the sterile Hyuuga compound, wishing she were anywhere else, wishing she were living a life like Naruto's, free from rules and restrictions, able to laugh and smile. She'd watched the way his smile had seemed to brighten up any room he was in and she'd wanted him to smile at her that way and it now it seemed he'd wanted that too.

'Naruto-kun wants me,' a bright red Hinata thought to herself, before slowly falling over.

**clunk**

The love struck girl quickly shrugged off her near faint, as her head struck the flue.

Unnoticed by anyone, a thin strand of energy peeled loose from the thread she had followed and attached itself to her.

She had no time for this, she had things to arrange. If she was going to be free of her clan and burden her little sister with running it, then she was going to have to make sure Hanabi was ready. Of course it was silly to think of her little sister running the clan at her age. She'd need someone to help her. Someone like… Neji!

Neji was the rookie of last year and he was always whining about fate and being in the branch family, almost as much as Sasuke whined about being an avenger! Thought to be perfectly fair, Sasuke's whining had really taken a nose dive around about the time 'Genma' had started showing up. It was perfect. She'd engage Neji to Hanabi and he'd have to quit whining and help her run the clan.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Are you ok, my youthful student," Gai, the mighty green beast of the leaf, asked his student.

Neji shook off the sudden chill he'd felt. "It was nothing, just a minor moment of irritation. At least it's nothing for a Hyuuga to mention, even a Hyuuga chained to the ground, unable to show his full strength, with the shackles of cruelty that have been placed upon him since he was but a child…"

As Neji started in on speech #26: The cruelty of fate, Tenten quickly slapped away the questing hand of her other teammate, Lee, who, if not watched, had a tendency to attempt to slit his own throat with the nearest sharp object, of which she carried enough for the entire team with plenty to spare.

It didn't even seem to be a conscious effort on his part, just his brain attempting to escape the situation by any means possible.

"I bet you aren't youthful enough to do two hundred sit-ups with your fingers in your ears," Tenten challenged him.

Lee's grateful smile at her quick thinking was almost as blinding as Gai's were, as he dropped to the ground and quickly blocked out any trace of Neji's voice with his hands.

Lee had gotten up to eighty-three and Neji to about a third of the way through his speech, when Hinata and Hanabi arrived.

Their sudden arrival startled Tenten, who unleashed a barrage of kunai and shuriken on reflex.

Hinata's hands blurred as she caught and returned the weapons in a blur of speed, far beyond what anyone who knew her thought she was capable of.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Why did you do that," a multi-tailed engine of destruction growled, a bit annoyed that he wouldn't get to see any blood splatter, through the microscopic thread of energy connecting them to the girl.

"Because this has the potential for a great deal of amusement," grinned the other.

The fox remained silent as he thought about it. Despite being quite attached to death and destruction, he was a kitsume and playing tricks on mortals was their bread and butter. 'This is still better than being trapped alone in a sewer.'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Tenten flinched, as her weapons were returned to her point first, sinking heavily into the tree trunk above her head and forming a little heart, before she could move.

"Neji, I have need of you," Hinata commanded, giving the appearance of being every inch the heir-apparent of the Hyuuga clan.

Hanabi watched her older sister with a touch of fear in her eyes. If Hinata was capable of that, then she'd been holding back a lot in all their spars. The young girl could practically feel the caged bird seal being applied to her forehead.

Neji sneered, but kept his tone just this side of civil, "What do you need, Hime?"

"I need someone to look out for Hanabi. As clan head with her as your wife, you will make sure she is taken care of," Hinata ordered, not giving either of the two a chance to complain about their sudden engagement.

"Our fathers were twin brothers, we're practically half brother and sisters." Neji stammered out, wondering what was going on. Hinata was stronger than she had ever shown anyone and she wanted him to be clan head?

Hanabi had brightened up at Hinata's words. Apparently Hinata intended for Hanabi to be safe from the seal and was doing everything in her power to make sure she was looked after. She'd thrown fights and was arranging a strong male to be her husband. Hanabi felt a strange warmth she hadn't felt before. Her sister was looking out for her. Unable to deal with these new emotions she tried out a scene from a manga she'd seen, hidden in a one-eyed jonin's pack.

"So I should call you, Oni-chan in the bedroom," the much younger girl asked her older cousin, activating her Byakugan and examining him in close detail.

Neji turned bright red, at her words and as the ten year old girl poked and prodded at him, just stood there, shivering.

"He'll do," Hanabi decided, "but he could be in better shape."

"I'll see to it," Gai muttered, wondering if this could be considered youthful or not.

Tenten and Lee just stared.

Naruto steals the great big scroll.

As #1, but he also makes copies of various techniques to put in certain people's possession. It's Naruto's Operation: Share The Blame!

Naruto steals a scroll, but it's the wrong one.

Something else


	13. Chapter 13

**Ranma/Sailormoon/Love Hina**

**Love Ranma: Unstable orbits Episode 28234**

**by dogbertcarroll**

Sighing reluctantly, Ranma was just about to give in when, Haruka asked, "Well, are you going to just give up?"

Ranma straightened up and looked at his aunt. "You're right, I was just about to give up and give in, like I usually do, but I came here to get away from all the chaos and violent psycho chicks and I'll be damned if I quit that easily. I'll keep looking till I find someplace where they ain't allowed. Kasumi exists, so I know there has to be other nice girls out there who won't walk in on you in the bath and start feeling you up and then try and claim you're the pervert. I swear they get off on beating guys, which would explain the peeping on guys and feeling them up first."

Ranma pushed passed the confused girls, several of whom were eyeing a paling Ami.

Ranma came back out of the inn with his bag. "There has to be someplace. I mean, I don't recall being walked in on in the bath at any of the Shaolin temples I stayed at. Course they didn't allow women in, which means I can't go back there now, damn it."

Haruka quickly blocked her nephew's path. "How can you walk out on them like this?"

Ranma snorted. "Walk, hell, if I could figure out how, I would fly!" Hopping over his aunt's head he continued towards the steps, only to be blocked by the Senshi's heavy artillery.

Hotaru looked up at him with her puppy dog eyes at full blast and he faltered.

"What will we do if you leave," she asked, hitting him at point blank range, her cuteness eroding his will, like an ice cube on a hot grill.

Ranma steeled himself, remembering the other girls' behavior and Miss Hinako pulling the same cuteness trick on him, not to mention Hotaru's earlier comment. "This ain't the only dorm in the city and it's not like there's a bunch of bulldozers just waiting for me to leave so they can tear this place down. I figure you've got at least a week and probably a lot more, to find a new place to live. I however am basically homeless, until I find a place, so don't expect any pity from me. It ain't like you're being driven away from your ancestral property by a bunch of perverted nut jobs, this is just a place to stay for you, so see ya!"

The girls stared as Ranma vanished. One second he was there and the next second he was gone, like he'd teleported.

"I got a bad feeling about this," Usagi muttered.

Minako nodded. "By the prickling of my jugs, something wacky this way comes."

Ami was tired, embarrassed, and feeling a bit guilty, so she didn't bother trying to correct Minako.

"Has my grandson arrived yet?"

"Ack!" Startled, Usagi spun around and tripped over her own feet.

Haruka stared at the newly arrived Senshi of Pluto. "Grandson?"

"Yes, my grandson. I arranged for him to be manager here, because he needs a break before he has a nervous breakdown."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Ranma dropped the thieves' cloak techniques as soon as he'd gotten about a block away. 'OK, that didn't go as planned, but then I never really expected it to. Nothing ever goes that smoothly for me.'

Dropping some yen for a paper, Ranma sat in the park, sipping some tea that Kasumi had made for him, while looking for job openings and rooms for rent. 'Hmmm. Job openings in the Guild of Calamitous Intent. What the heck is that? Heroes Union? When did they start organizing that sort of thing? A job would make getting a room easier, but I could get a room first.'

.

.

Ranma goes Job hunting. 'I can be a hero.'

Ranma goes Job hunting. 'I'm sick and tired of playing the hero.'

Ranma goes Job hunting. 'This looks nice.'

Rooms for rent. 'What's the catch?'

Setsuna blows her top. "Haruka was attempting to be the voice of reason, that should have let you know something was wrong!"

Something Else.


	14. Chapter 14

**Ranma/Teen Titans**

**Great Will-JLU: Language Lessons (LIME) Episode 211704**

**by dogbertcarroll**

"Hello? Ahhh, hello, Friend Ranma. No, I am sorry, but Robin is tied up at the moment and can not come to the phone. I will have him contact you later, when he is freed once more. Bai bai!"

**click**

Starfire, wearing the cap from a French maid outfit, a G-string, and carrying a feather duster, returned to her room.

Robin was tied, naked (yet still wearing his mask) and spread eagle to her bed with a ball gag in his mouth.

"Robin, I have studied your cultural dating practices in depth, thanks to Beast Boy's movie and the marker-of-books he had saved on his computer and have figured out that it is up to me to make the next 'move'. When I arrived here, you taught me English by the exchange of saliva in lip to lip contact. I believe it is now time for me to teach you my language by lip to lip contact."

Robin stopped struggling against his bonds and relaxed a bit, figuring that things weren't as bad as they seemed. Starfire had obviously gotten some signals crossed, but she wasn't under alien control or been corrupted by exposure to Beast Boy's 'marker-of-books'.

Starfire smiled shyly at the bound boy wonder. "Of course the data exchange port for teaching is not in the same place as it is for a Tamaranian learning a new language."

Robin's eyes took up a quarter of his face as her G-string dropped to the floor.

* * *

Ranma shrugged and put his phone away. 'Oh well, better him than me.'

"Master, would you like to learn to speak Tamaranian?" K'ontour asked nervously, aware that she was skipping over several steps, according to what she understood about Earth's mating practices, but a bit jealous over her cousin's closer relationship with her own boy-friend.

Ranma scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I dunno, I suck at learning languages, so it'll probably take me a couple of years to get really good at it and that's with regular practice, but… sure, why not. It would be useful to be able to talk and not worry about being overheard."

The alien girl blushed heavily. 'Ranma is so forward!'

"When we got some spare time and you feel up to it, let me know."

K'ontour glowed with affection. 'And he is letting me set the pace. He is so thoughtful!'

Ranma's eyes darted around the street, searching for whatever it had been that had set off his danger sense.

* * *

Cyborg, Beast Boy, Bumblebee, and speedy had faced off against Gizmo, Jinx, and Mammoth.

The fight had started off as a typical encounter between the Titans and the Hive graduates, but then Jinx and let slip that they were being paid by Starfire, to distract them so she could have some uninterrupted time with Robin. Beast Boy had been all for charging back and making sure Robin was safe, but Mammoth and Cyborg had both coughed cock blocker and things had degenerated from there into a massive argument about each team's timing interfering in the other's personal lives and how some members of their own team had horrible timing all on their own.

"I wonder what his new name will be," Jinx said as everyone had paused to take a breather.

"What do you mean?" Beast Boy asked, rubbing his rear from where Bumblebee had stung him after complaining about his habit of busting into people's rooms when he heard moans.

"Well, he's not exactly going to be calling himself, Robin the BOY wonder anymore, is he?" Mammoth pointed out, being a lot quicker on the uptake than most people gave him credit for.

"Hmmm," the entire group replied.

"I'd say Batman, but I doubt he's going to get a new costume just because his protégé has grown up a bit," Speedy said.

"It'll probably stick with the bird theme if we're skipping bats," Gizmo muttered.

"I have to say the costume will be darker. No more bright colors," Jinx pointed out to everyone's agreement.

"I think he'll probably swipe some idea off Batman for it. Batman probably has a dozen or so past IDs as hero or villain setup for some case he worked on in the past," Speedy pointed out.

"Maybe," Beast Boy acquiesced.

"Want me to hack the Bat's computers and find out some possibles?" Gizmo offered.

"Can you do that?" Cyborg asked, stunned at the thought of trying to break Batman's security.

"I can try."

"Nah, let's call Batgirl and see if she has any idea," Bumblebee suggested, unaware of the massive wave of gossip that was shortly going to be making the rounds.

* * *

Superhero Gossip!

"And I heard that…"

"And that's not even…"

"I wonder when the wedding is?"

"Where's Kara?"

Ranma and K'ontour meet up with a part time panda named Rubber, outside the Tendo compound.

Super Villain Gossip!

"I wonder if Batsy would like a tape of the event."

"I say we strike while they're distracted!"

"The good guys can get laid?"

The Kuno super hero… villain… team goes over their battle plans.

Something else!


	15. Chapter 15

**Ranma/Teen Titans  
**

**Great Will-JLU: Birds of a feather [Episode 212242] **

**by dogbertcarroll**

"The exchange of bodily fluids is part of Earth mating practices, yes?" K'ontour asked.

"Yeah, but this is an arranged marriage, so the order is different," Ranma pointed out, regaining a bit of his equilibrium as he realized that even on a new world some things weren't apparently going to change. "We have to know each other a lot better before any fluid exchange… err kissing is involved."

Akane settled down as she realized that it was just another misunderstanding caused by their different cultures. 'I guess he's used to those.'

Raven knew that it was going to turn out this way, but she still had to ask, "So, you don't mind being engaged to me as opposed to one of my sisters?"

"Nah, that's fine. I'm sure it beats being beat on for being a 'perverted male' or used in scams or engaged to someone I'd see as a mother figure."

Raven raised an eyebrow, wondering if he had a touch of precognition too.

Akane just smiled, happy to have slipped out of the engagement and silently agreeing that he was a perverted male.

Nabiki wondered where he got his information from, since he clearly knew enough about them to know what their responses would be, but hadn't known about the engagement.

Kasumi smiled pleasantly, as always, but a small corner of her mind was worrying over the fact that he saw her as a mother figure despite the fact that they'd just met. 'Am I that unattractive? He's only a couple of years younger than me, he should see me as desirable, right?'

Ranma stood up when his watch beeped. "I'd love to continue this conversation, but I have training. I'll be back in three hours."

"Hold on, there's a dangly thread there," said K'ontour.

_TUG - **FWUMP!**_

Ranma's pants became a cloud of threads that fell to the floor, as he was outlined in a shimmering light and vanished.

"Where did he go?" Akane demanded.

K'ontour pulled out a day planner and started paging through it. "Ranma has training with Batman in the afternoon today."

"Batman, is training Ranma?!" yelled all the native Tendos.

The alien looked at the girls as if they had just told her the sun was blue. "Don't be silly."

Everyone relaxed a little, thinking it was indeed silly to imagine Batman training the boy they'd just met.

"Ranma is training Batman. Ranma's got a job, helping the better hand to hand fighters of the JLA improve their techniques."

* * *

Flash turned to Hawkgirl. "OK, who bet he'd be sans pants this time?"

-0-0-0-0-0-

Training with Bats! (Ranma did mark himself down as the #1 Martial artist in the world after all.)

Starfire calls up K'ontour, seeing if she and Ranma want a place with the Titans, as half the group is splitting off to start a Titan's east.

**Diana calls up Alfred and questions him on the best time to tie up Bruce for a couple of days. **

Kasumi plots on how to get Ranma to see her as an attractive young woman.

Something else.


	16. Chapter 16

**Ranma/Generic Horror Movies  
**

**Field Trip of the Darned: The other side of the coin [Episode 195028] **

**by dogbertcarroll**

"Let me down, I want to stretch my legs," Nabiki said, tapping Ranma on the head.

Ranma carefully set Nabiki down. "I thought you were feeling a bit sore?"

"Yeah, well riding piggyback isn't helping matters any. I think I'll walk."

Ranma rolled his eyes as Nabiki examined the different paths and tried to decide which was the best way to go.

"The Labyrinth solution is to keep one hand on the wall and eventually you'll get out, but that takes a lot longer than luck alone would…" Nabiki muttered.

Ranma sighed and looked around, seeing nothing but dirt paths, a lot of trees, and a stone table that he hadn't noticed before with a bottle on it that read 'drink me'.

Feeling a little thirsty he picked up the bottle and pulled out the cork, sniffing it to make sure it wasn't alcoholic.

"Mmmm, cherry flavor," Ranma muttered, after downing the entire bottle of Dr Henry Jekyll's springtime elixir (We'll make you feel like a new man!) and noticing how relaxed he felt.

The sounds of the forest slowly fell silent around the two, as a softly chanted 'kill-kill' seemed to emanate from all around them.

"That can't be good," Nabiki worried aloud, as she noticed the change.

Ranma just shrugged. He'd had enough people yelling about killing him that it sounded rather soothing. 'Much nicer than pigboy yelling in my ear anyway.'

Out of the shadows stepped a large figure wearing a hockey mask and wielding a bloody machete, who slowly stalked towards them.

"Ranma, do something!" Nabiki screamed, when she realized the pig tailed martial artist was just standing there and had made no move to attack.

"Why should I?"

"Because he'll kill us!" Nabiki screeched.

"Nah, I'm way too tough for him to kill and look at how slowly he's moving. I can avoid anything he can dish out and have time for a nap," Ranma dismissed her concerns as unimportant.

"What about me?!"

"What about you?" Ranma snorted derisively.

"Aren't you going to protect me?"

"Nah, I don't feel like it."

Nabiki just stared at him, stunned speechless.

"I mean, just a while ago you raped me while I was unconscious and you've been threatening to stain my honor by claiming I raped you if I don't obey you. You've put my life in danger with your stunts and scams so many times I don't even bother to keep track anymore and that's not mentioning all the times you've put others in danger. Personally I think the world will be better off without you in it. I know my life certainly will be."

Nabiki began to sweat. This was bad. Her favorite patsy wasn't following the script and he'd laid out all her harmless games in such a way that even the psycho killer was looking at her like she was filth. 'I'm not that bad, am I?'

"Besides," Ranma turned and his right arm shot out, demolishing a fifty foot oak tree like it was nothing before continuing, "I'm pretty sure he isn't stupid, just homicidal."

A huge sweatdrop formed on the side of the killer's mask, before he reluctantly nodded and began a slow advance on Nabiki's position.

"This can't be happening!" Nabiki moaned, as she slowly backed away.

"It's funny," Ranma mused, "you claim to know the value of everything, yet you have deliberately made yourself worth less to me alive than dead. I never thought a smart girl like you would do something so boneheaded, but I guess we live and learn. Well, I will anyway."

Nabiki broke and ran into the forest, screaming her head off with the killer in hot… well, more like lukewarm really, pursuit.

"Remember to look back occasionally to see how far he is behind you!" Ranma called out helpfully, before choosing one of the paths at random and merrily skipping along it, wondering why he felt so free.

Ranma's path leads him to…

-0-0-0-0-0-

A meeting with a pair of Naïve succubi.

A zombie movie setting.

Dracula's castle… and bar and grill. "It's so hard to make ends meet these days. Do you know what the property tax is on a castle this size?!"

Some of the other students.

Something else!


	17. Chapter 17

Go, Go Kakashi Rangers!

Kakashi stuck his head in the door only to see his three perspective genin dressed remarkably similar to himself with accents in orange, black, and red, minus the hitai-ite over the eye but wearing masks and reading books that brought a smile to his face. Even the fact that the pink haired one was reading yaoi was fine as far as he was concerned, since she was female and the blonde was reading yuri so it all balanced out.

"My first impression of you all is… Actually I'm surprised you're still here. All the genin teams I've tested before left after two hours."

"I meant to leave, but I got distracted by something," Naruto replied, before focusing back on the book in his hand and letting out a perverted giggle.

"A crow smacked into the window and I think I saw a black cat walk past the doorway, so I decided to eat lunch here before crawling out through one of the air vents," Sasuke offered, not taking his eyes off the little orange book he was reading.

"Hn, did you say something?" Sakura asked.

Kakashi did his best not to squeal like a little girl who had just got the pony she wanted for Christmas. "I have to go notify the hokage that I have accepted you as my genin team. I'll meet you all at training ground seven about ten-ish tomorrow." He vanished in a swirl of leaves.

"So, noon?" Sakura asked.

"Sounds about right," Naruto agreed.

"Oh, Yashiru you kinky girl!" Sasuke giggled.

"Yo, Sasuke!" Naruto called out.

"Hn?"

"Tomorrow, usual place, noon."

"Sure, sure," Sasuke agreed, clearly not paying attention.

Sakura sighed and wrote out a quick note that she slipped in front of his face, briefly grabbing his attention, before he slipped it into the back of his book to use as a bookmark.

****************

Kakashi shunshined in a little before one pm only to stare in horror. "What are you reading?!"

A red faced Sakura answered, "Yuri."

Sasuke and Naruto just shrugged.

"It's a bet," Naruto explained shaking the Ichi Ichi Paradise yaoi version at his new sensei.

"I think there's some kind of code or trick," Sasuke offered, as he stared at his copy suspiciously.

"You lost a bet?" Kakashi asked, feeling a bit relieved.

"Nah, the bet is that she'll like yuri," Naruto replied.

"Or that they'll like yaoi," Sakura offered eyes glued to the page.

"So you volunteered to read yaoi?" Kakashi asked, stunned.

"I believe in the power of yuri!" Naruto proclaimed righteously. "Besides, have you read yaoi? It's not interesting at all, in fact it's sorta confusing. For instance when, Goshi the dark haired loner, and Hikaro the blonde haired popular boy meet, they always compete with each other, but then something bad happens to one of them and the next thing you know they're kissing! Guys don't act like that. To make the other guy feel better he'd have called him a wuss and beat him down."

"Good chance of a friendly stabbing too," Sasuke added.

"And the I-Love-Yous would only come after a great deal of alcohol and would have been meant platonically!"

"I broke the code!" Sasuke said excitedly.

"For the last time there is no code, it's just man-man love!" Sakura protested.

Sasuke whipped out a pen and quickly went to work finishing after nearly a minute. "Here, Naruto, read this and tell me if it makes sense now."

"Gimmie that!" Sakura ordered snatching the book from his hand and beginning to read it. Her eyes began to widen as she compared it to the yuri she'd been reading. "Oh, my god!"

"That's right," Sasuke nodded smugly. "Add some boobs to those pretty boys and change the names to female and it all becomes clear. Yaoi does not exist, it's simply girls pretending to be guys!"

"You're right," Sakura admitted with shock in her voice, "and you won the bet. I will burn my yaoi collection and switch to yuri and het."

"The power of yuri compels you," Naruto said solemnly.

Kakashi had to use all his ANBU trained skills in hiding his emotions to keep from dancing in place cheering. The only person on his team who, in his opinion, had the right to read yaoi had rejected it and another member had proven that the sacrilegious writing were just a thinly veiled version of true art!

Kakashi did a silent Kai to insure he wasn't in some sort of genjutsu, because his genin team was too good to be true. He had to have done something right in a past life, because he was pretty sure he hadn't done anything in this one to deserve this.

"Well, let's get to work," Naruto said eagerly. "I figure we can clear three D ranks a day, so we'll be done with that requirement in two weeks tops."

"That sounds like a lot of work," Kakashi ventured, hoping Naruto wasn't going to spout anything about 'children catching fire' or whatever it was Gai was always yelling about.

"In a little more than two weeks the director of the Princess Fuun movies will be meeting with the publisher and the author of the Ichi Ichi Paradise series about optioning his work for a movie," Sauske announced.

"Which means it's the perfect time to get our books autographed," Naruto added.

"And between the three of us we own twelve percent of the publishing company. As shareholders we have a say in the decision," Sakura smirked.

"And there is a caravan scheduled to head there at that time to resupply our favorite literature. Meaning we can get C rank pay while doing it, rather than pay for transportation," Sasuke added.

"And as for hard work…" Naruto said making a familiar cross shaped hand seal which was quickly mimicked by his fellow genin.

"Kage Bunshin no jutsu!" the three genin called out creating three clones of themselves.

"The clones will handle the missions, while improving out chakra reserves at the same time," Sakura smirked.

"You all three know Kage Bunshin?" Kakashi asked, impressed and tempted to check if he was under a genjutsu again.

"I taught 'em it!" Naruto said proudly. "Sure it sucks chakra, but it's a great jutsu for increasing reserves and getting boring chores done. Unless you have monstrous chakra levels using it in battle is stupid. You grab us some Ds and make some clones and we can get the job done while relaxing over a bowl of ramen."

"I'm on it," Kakashi answered, vanishing in a swirl of Ichi Ichi pages, clearly agreeing with their plan.

"So, how long we planning on doing this for?" Sakura asked, still reading the yuri she'd been handed.

"The entire repeat," Sasuke said firmly. "He went above and beyond for me in that last loop, when Orochimaru attempted to take over Anko's body. That combined... being was fixated on me and he sacrificed himself to allow me to escape. Unholy lust doesn't begin to describe it, so I want to dedicate this loop to seeing he is rewarded. We will create the perfect world for him."

Naruto nodded. "That's fair. Next loop we'll let Sakura pick someone and I'll take the loop after that. I think we all know plenty of people who deserve a loop dedicated to them and it'll be a nice change of pace."

"So, what's next?" Sakura asked.

"Getting Anko and Kurenai to double team him," Sasuke replied.

"Tricky," Naruto said thoughtfully. "Maybe if you have him work with you on seals and lead him into discovering how to reverse the seal Perverted Snake stuck Anko with so it causes pain to Orochimaru when he's near her… but I'm drawing a blank at Kurenai."

"Hinata is the key," Sakura offered. "Have him responsible for her coming out of her shell and becoming the kunoichi we all know she's capable of and Kurenai will overlook his porn."

"Any idea how to get Anko and Kurenai into a relationship together?" Sasuke asked. "It'll be easier to get the three together if two of them are already dating."

Naruto signaled for two of his clones to come over. "I need Kurenai and Anko dating. See to it."

"Standard S3, gotcha Boss," one of the clones replied before they vanished.

Naruto noticed that his two teammates were staring at him. "What? I said I believe in the power of yuri. I wasn't lying. Those two are always happier together and this way they don't interfere in me, Shion, and Hinata's relationship."

Sasuke and Sakura shared an amused look.

"So, who are you choosing for your loop?" Naruto asked.

"Shizune. She deserves one for taking care of grandma," Sakura replied.

"Amen to that!" Naruto and Sasuke chorused.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, Ranma, Naruto.

**Fused Loop**

Kakashi walked into the classroom to meet his new team and paused. Something seemed off, but according to his file everything matched up.

Kasumi Uzamaki, only child of the fourth hokage and container of the nine tailed fox. Cheerful and mischievous, but generally well liked by the population at large despite her propensity for pranks. Dead Last in the class, largely because of her enormous… chakra reserves and inability to actually bring herself to hit anyone. Passed by Iruka after she gave a stern talking to Mizuki and he turned himself in as a traitor to the village.

Nabiki Uchiha, only survivor of the Uchiha massacre. Rookie of the year, though it is quite possible she used blackmail to get the title. Iruka refuses to comment. Dedicated to the completely and utter economic destruction of her older brother who was responsible for the death of her family. Has stated she intends to insure that he doesn't have a pot to piss in and starves to death in the gutter where he belongs.

Akane Haruna, only child, possible schizophrenic. Seems like a nice girl one moment and flies into a rage the next. Thinks all guys are perverts and has developed a unique jutsu involving a chakra based hammer construct. Great at course work, but sucks at application. Warning: Don't let her cook.

"My first impression of you is… that you're all related," Kakashi muttered, wondering if the Fourth hadn't gotten around a lot more than he had thought.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"These are my three children," Soun introduced them, "Shinji is the eldest at 19, Sasuke is the middle child at 17, and Naruto is the youngest at 16. I'm glad you're a girl, because otherwise we'd have a hard time fulfilling the pledge between our families."

Ranma quickly grabbed a cup of tea off the table and dumped it over his head, changing back to male. "I'm only female part time; it's a magical curse I picked up."

"That's not that big a deal. Naruto turns into a girl half the time too. You're the perfect couple!" Soun smiled.

The panda quickly grabbed a cup of tea and changed back into Genma. "For the sake of family honor you're just going to have to adapt."

Naruto and Ranma just looked at each other in stunned disbelief.

"I say we kill them both and make it look like a lover's suicide pact. I got tons of life insurance on the old prick and we can relax and live the good life for a change while smearing their reputations forever," Ranma suggested.

Naruto nodded. "Works for me!"

"N-now sons, be reasonable!" Genma stuttered out while backing away from the table.

"A little help?" Soun tried appealing to his other children.

Sasuke shrugged, not really caring one way or the other as long as he wasn't involved in it.

Shinji rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Will you guys spring for a maid, so I can get out of cleaning the house every day?"

"Sure," Ranma said agreeably.

"Sasuke, is a perfect forger. If you have some samples of Genma's handwriting we can get everything taken care of before the weekend." Shinji smiled.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Sakura's right hook dropped Asuka like she was a sack of potatoes. "You wore a fucking sundress on an aircraft carrier during a windy day! If you didn't want people to see shit you should have worn pants, and if you ever raise your hand to me again I'm going to break it off!"

Asuka's quick apology and Sakura's forgiving hug took everyone by surprise… as did the follow up kiss and Asuka leading Sakura to her stateroom.

Kensuke just stared, camera forgotten. "She is like the best friend ever!"

"Think she'll let us watch?" Toji asked.

"Couldn't hurt to ask."


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I don't own Labyrinth, but I'm sure I have a copy somewhere on VHS.

AN: It's off the beaten track for me, but I had this scene pop into my head and I decided to write it out and then, after a year or so in a folder, I decided to type it up and post it. Enjoy!

**Loose Scene: Labyrinth**

"I thought all children were born good," Sara voiced.

"A common misconception, I assure you. All children are born as graspy, needy, little things. Good must be taught," Jareth explained.

"And if they don't wish to learn?"

"Then, my dear, greed and selfishness twist them into my subjects. In this land you wear your true face, so take care that your weaknesses don't lead to new strengths," he warned.

"New strengths, what does that mean?"

"It means, dear girl, that all seven of what you call the seven deadly sins can taint not only your mind and how you view the world, but how the world views you and indeed, your very soul as well."

"So all the children you've claimed…" she trailed off, waiting for him to fill in the blanks.

"Have chosen to become," he said firmly, trying to end the conversation, as humans rarely understood things without a great deal of tiresome explanations and recriminations.

"Become, become what?"

"Whatever their choices have lead them to, of course. Weren't you listening?" he asked impatiently.

"I am listening, I truly am, but I don't think I'm quite hearing you!" she pleaded.

"This land changes you into what you truly are and children are graspy, needy, little things," he led, hoping against hope she'd understand and not winge on about it.

"So all the children become goblins, they have no say in the matter?" she asked, shocked.

"Don't be silly, they have all the say in the matter. I told you that it's their choices that lead them here and no, not all the children become goblins. Where's the sense in that? They'd have to make the same choices to become the same thing and humanity is far too wonderfully diverse for that."

"But if you don't teach them good…" she began.

"Who says I don't teach them good? The entire labyrinth is designed to teach," he snorted, mock offended.

"Good?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asked, pretending to misunderstand her.

"The labyrinth is designed to teach them good?" she elaborated.

"Among other things," he admitted, his eyes shifting to the side.

"Other things, what other things?!" she demanded.

"Bad of course and everything in between," he admitted, knowing he was in for it now.

"That's monstrous!" she exclaimed.

"Monstrous?! I'll tell you what's monstrous; teaching a child just what you want it to learn is monstrous! Taking away their choice to choose their own path is monstrous! What is slavery, but having no choice? Why makes someone be good when their true calling is bad?" he argued fiercely.

"But if all the children choose bad…" she began.

"What makes you assume they all choose bad? It makes me wonder what your true path would have been before you were 'taught' good, if you see bad as so attractive. Better to be blazingly bad, than mediocre good. What do you think your true path would have been, Sarah, if you had traveled the Labyrinth as a child?" he asked with a disquieting hunger in his eyes.

"I… I don't know," she admitted quietly.

AN: That's all I got.


	20. Chapter 20

**Harry Potter: In The Loop**

**Disclaimer: My name is not Rowling and I own nothing of hers.**

Harry sat out by the lake skipping rocks and ducking as the giant squid batted them back at him. He was rather grateful for his quidditch trained reflexes as the last rock the squid had batted back had snapped a two inch thick branch off a nearby oak.

"Hey, Harry," Luna announced cheerfully, side stepping a rock that shot off into the distance.

"Hey, Luna. What are you up to?"

"Five foot even and a B cup," she said proudly distracting Harry enough that the next rock hit him in the shoulder and spun him around three times before dropping him on his ass.

Standing over the bruised and dizzy boy she lifted up the front of her skirt and shifted her panties to the side. "And I have to say my pubes have been coming in nicely."

Despite having seen Luna's pubes up close and personal many times before he still found himself pausing dizzily to admire them. "I have to agree, that is nice thatching."

"So do you want to play gridylows and grotnicks?" Luna asked.

"Ummm... sure. I can get the room of requirements to provide a nice big bed," Harry replied.

"What does that have to do with gridylows and grotnicks?" she asked, confused.

"Umm, for after?" he ventured.

"Good idea. We can hide out there while Sprout and Snape search the grounds for the imposters," she beamed.

"That's just what I was thinking," Harry lied.

"And it'll be the perfect spot to have sex too," Luna added as she pulled Harry to his feet and handed him a vial of polyjuice potion as she quickly disillusioned their clothes so they both looked like they were completely naked.

"I'll run ahead giggling while you chase me yelling something suitably damning for Snape to have said. Sprout has retired early and Snape stormed off in a huff, well hopped really, so they'll have no alibis. I'll lead us up to the room of requirements after a couple of trips around the great hall."

"How do you know about the room of requirements?" Harry asked, as his brain finally recovered.

"You teach the DA there in a couple of years," she replied.

"You're looping too?! Why didn't you say anything?"

"You never asked."

**AN: Just a small thing I typed up. **


	21. Chapter 21

**Water under the bridge**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or Firefly. **

**The first time they met was rather memorable…**

"You!" River accused loudly.

The one eyed man blinked before looking at her questioningly. "Me?"

"You!" she confirmed harshly.

The crew of Serenity began slowly moving into position and readying weapons in case River had stumbled upon a Core Agent, while the crowds around them ignored them.

"Me?" he snorted as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

"You!" she argued her tone pleading.

"Me?" he remarked teasingly, causing her to turn red.

"You?" she asked nervously.

"Me?" he asked back, with an obviously faked air.

The crew exchanged confused looks as they wondered what was going on.

"You," she stated firmly as if coming to a decision.

"Me," he admitted with an infectious grin.

Simon was about to step forward when a red haired woman burst from the crowd, dragging the one eyed man off by his ear.

"What was that about?" Simon asked River, obvious confusion written across his features.

River shrugged then smiled happily.

**The second time they ran into him was just as bad…**

"Quick I need my hair in pigtails," River demanded frantically from Kaylee.

"What now?" Kaylee asked even as she began brushing out River's hair.

"Yeah, it's important. I can't go out there without pullers," she stated firmly.

"Pullers?" Kaylee muttered, wondering why River called them that.

*******

"Quick Wills, I need a frog," the formerly one eyed man said anxiously, drawing Simon's attention to the pair as he waited for Kaylee and his sister to show.

The redhead shuddered, before reaching into her purse to pull out a small green frog which she quickly handed to him. "You'd better have a good reason mister, you know I hate frogs!"

"I have the best," he promised with a smile. "But I've got to hide now."

"Why?" the woman asked, sighing as she noticed he'd vanished.

Simon was about to introduce himself and ask about the man she'd been talking to, when Kaylee and River came down the ramp.

Kaylee was in a simple sundress that took his breath away as usual, as well as scrambling his wits.

He noticed River had her hair in pigtails but then Kaylee smiled at him and he forgot what he was going to say.

Kaylee got a confused expression on her face and it took Simon a second to realize she was looking past him.

He turned and saw the strange man sneaking up behind River with a smile on his face. The man reached out to pull on one of her pigtails and Simon took a deep breath to yell out a warning when River suddenly spun around, yelling "Ha!"

Simon was shocked when the man showed no surprise whatsoever, and instead held out the hand he'd been about to pull the pigtail with, palm flat, showing River something small and green which leaped into her shirt.

"Ha!" the man yelled as River began scrambling frantically to get the frog out of her shirt.

He stood there happily waiting, until River successfully retrieved the errant frog from her clothing and then he started running, laughing all the while, as River chased him, frog in hand.

They circled the ship at least three times before heading off over the hilltop behind the ship.

The sounds of splashing and delighted laughter drifted over the hill.

"What was that about?!" Simon asked the red haired woman incredulously.

"No idea," she shrugged.

"Then why did you have a frog in your purse?" he asked, confused.

Kaylee joined the two. "You keep frogs in your purse?!"

"Eww, no!" the woman responded. "I don't keep anything in my purse. I just carry the purse because it's convenient to pull things out of." She opened the empty purse wide, showing the two the truth of the matter.

"How about pulling out some strawberries then?" Kaylee asked jokingly.

The redhaired woman reached into her empty purse, pulling forth a small green basket of fresh strawberries; handing them to Kaylee who stared at them stunned.

"That has to be the best sleight of hand I've ever seen," Simon admitted.

Willow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because I happen to keep fresh strawberries and frogs on me at all times in case anyone asks for them."

Simon frowned, obviously wondering what was going on the fact that she did have strawberries was worrisome, it meant she had to know them well enough to set up the trick, but River didn't act as if it were a trap and she was more than close enough to read them and seemed to like the man with the redhead.

Simon was about to question her when Inara and the Captain came down the ramp.

"Ooh, where'd you get the strawberries?" Inara asked excitedly.

"Her," Kaylee said before quickly returning to devouring her strawberries.

"Yep, me, Willow," Willow answered, rolling her eyes. "I'm a one woman fruit salad, you name the fruit and I pull it from my purse."

"I miss pineapples," the Captain interjected suddenly. "They could only grow them in a few places, then some sort of beetle came by…and poof they were no more."

"Awww," Willow commiserated with him. "That's too bad, have one on me then." She handed the Captain a pineapple from a purse the fruit couldn't possibly have fit in.

The Captain cradled the fruit like a newborn. "How?!" he asked incredulously.

Willow shrugged with a grin. "It's a gift."

"Cherries!" Inara challenged her.

Willow smirked, pulling forth a bag of cherries.

"Can I ask for something completely impossible in the way of fruit?" Simon asked intently.

Willow nodded, the fruit trick was so easy she could do it in her sleep and the looks of joy and shock on their faces was fueling an infectious grin.

"On Earth-that-was they had a tree that grew a fruit called a pomegranate. It was somehow overlooked when mankind left, so no one alive knows what it tastes like anymore. But I know how it looks from pictures and I've always wanted to try one."

Willow reached into her bag, pulling forth a bright red fruit, handing it to Simon, who fell unceremoniously on his ass, staring incredulously at the fruit in his hands.

"I am amazed, stunned, scared, and a little thirsty," Simon said.

"Scared?" Kaylee asked.

"Well yeah, either magic is real or I've gone insane."

"You aren't insane," Willow snorted then blinked as a dripping wet River ran past laughing and waving a pair of pants over her head like a banner, while a pantsless man chased after her. "Of course, considering who my friends are, I may not be the best judge."

The group winced back from the noise and blast of another ship landing nearby, as there was limited parking area for ships due to local law. The group was still brushing dust off themselves when the ship's landing elevator came down, depositing a woman with long brown hair on the ground.

"Thanks again, guys," she called into the body of the ship, before stepping off the platform and heading over to Willow. "Hey Willow, what'd I miss?"

Everyone flinched again, as the ship left as abruptly as it had arrived. It was another couple of minutes before anyone attempted to speak, as they concentrated on straightening up.

Dawn looked around worriedly. "Where's Xander? You didn't leave him with Faith did you? You know he can't take care of himself."

Dawn felt someone tap her on the shoulder and when she turned around, she was slapped in the face with a pair of wet pants and found a girl a bit older than herself glaring at her.

"Strange does not mean stupid!" she growled and stomped off angrily, followed by a grinning (and pantsless) Xander, who only shook his head sadly at Dawn on the way past.

"Ok, I might have deserved that," Dawn admitted.

"But we do have to watch over Xander now. Where before he watched over us, and I miss that." She then growled angrily, "and I don't think we're going to find what Xander was looking for. 'A pants stealing River with a patch of brown moss in the shape of a seahorse'."

Willow shrugged. "It was his turn to pick, and we have three more places to check out on this planet before we search the next one. Remember it's sometimes the journey that counts and not the destination, remember the Wizard of Oz?"

Dawn sighed. "I know, I know. It'll probably turn out this entire trip was just to teach me to read a map properly and Faith the correct way to apologize for accidently putting somebody's head through a table." She frowned. "Who is that girl and why does she have Xander's pants?!"

"That would be my sister… River," Simon said worriedly.

"Pants stealing River?" Willow began with a grin.

"Patch of brown moss?" Simon said contemplatively, before turning pale as everyone heard from the cargo bay. "It's not a seahorse. It's Serenity, see?"

Simon ran up the ramp, his voice carrying as he said loudly, "River, please get dressed! And you, please put on some pants!"

"And sometimes, it is the destination," Willow said.


	22. Chapter 22

**Cynical of the father**

"This had better not be some scam, old man," Ranma snarled at the panda, beside him in the rain.

#It's not. I swear!# the sign the panda quickly flipped up somehow read.

"Yeah, you swear a lot of things and very few of them turn out to be true. If the blood tests proving you were my father hadn't come back positive I'd have split already. I think I'll do the test again just to be sure!" the buxom redhead hissed.

#You've had it done twice a month since you learned about them!#

"Yeah, I only have them done when you do something so stupid I'm convinced I must be adopted."

The panda growled but couldn't think of any response, so thus remained silent and continued to lead them onward.

*******

Shampoo sighed mournfully as her great grandmother prodded her forward once more. If she'd known the panda was a fat old man, who was more than capable of defeating her, she'd have left it alone much less challenged the redhead who splashed the panda with her tea and said anyone that rude deserved whatever fate handed them.

She'd really like to blame the redhead, but Ranma, her new daughter, had explained slowly and unequivocally that she refused to be held accountable for anyone's actions but her own and that if Shampoo had been polite she'd have warned her. Ranma had then taken blood samples from herself and the panda and sent them off to see if Genma was actually her father.

Shampoo hadn't even known that the village possessed a FedEx drop box, but the redhead's cursing the next day, on finding out they were related even when Genma was a panda, had been quite memorable.

And now, Shampoo was being sent off to claim her husband! Or rather being prodded foot by protesting foot…

*******

The meeting with the Tendos hadn't exactly gone as planned.

***Flashback***

"Sorry about that, but my first reflex on any strange man trying to grope me is to boot him in the head," the redhead explained to the man curled into a fetal ball.

"That wasn't his head," Nabiki complained.

"It was the one I could reach," Ranma deadpanned.

***Flashback***

"Does this look like a guy to you?!" Nabiki growled as she reached out to grab Ranma's breast, only to find herself on the floor with a distinct ringing in her head.

"Let me explain this in more detail!" Ranma explained with obviously forced calm. "Anyone who tries to grope, molest, or anything else perverted that I've missed, ME gets a boot to the head, whichever head I feel is most appropriate."

***Flashback***

"Pervert!" Ranma now male yelled, kicking out and sending a naked Akane through the outer furo door and into the wall.

*******

"I thought I was perfectly clear, but let me try this one last time. Any attempts to peep on me in the bath will receive a boot to the head!" Ranma declared firmly.

"It's different when a girl sees a guy!" Akane protested, "and you saw me naked you lech!"

"No, there is no difference and if you'd like I'll call the police and have them explain it to you while you're being arrested for peeping and your exposing yourself to me makes no difference except to add a charge for flashing!" Ranma growled.

"I thought there was a girl in there!" Akane complained.

"It doesn't matter what sex I am, peeping on me and flashing me are perverted and against the law."

"You're the girl from earlier?" Nabiki asked, a bit stunned.

"How best to put this?" Genma asked himself. "I know!" He reached out for Ranma, before abruptly changing his mind and grabbing a cup of cold tea off the table and poured it over his own head.

"Growf, growf, growlf," Genma explained to his audience, very articulately in panda.

"What'd he say?" Nabiki asked.

Ranma shrugged. "I don't speak panda."

Genma sighed, pouring some hot water from the teapot over his head. "As I was saying, we'd reached the hidden valley…"

What followed was an entertaining story involving the Cursed Springs of Jusenkyou, a kidnapped princess, a village of amazons, an evil genii, a wookiee and two Jedi. Somehow during this story Genma became an awe inspiring hero and it was Ranma's fault they were cursed.

Everyone looked over at Ranma accusingly.

"If you're all that stupid, I have some land I'll sell you, cheap!" Ranma snorted.

"Sasuke!" he called out, and two dark haired ninja appeared in a puff of smoke.

Ranma examined the two carefully. "I know I have only one ninja named Sasuke, but you guys are great at looking like whoever you want, so the Sasuke that works for me – please raise your hand."

The larger nin raised his hand, leaving Ranma to stare at the smaller one. "So who're you and why did you answer my summons?"

"My name is Sasuke, Lord Ranma," the little rat faced nin replied. "And it was more out of reflex than anything else."

Ranma heard the little nin's stomach rumble, "Ok, Sakura feed Sasuke, and Sasuke bring me the tape of when I was cursed."

There was a flash and suddenly only one nin remained, kneeling and holding out a tape for Ranma.

"Thank you Sasuke, that'll be all for now." One smoke pellet later, no nin remained in the room.

"You have your own ninja?!" Nabiki asked in shock.

"Yes," Ranma said flatly, obviously not willing to discuss the matter.

The tape began to play…

Ranma looked at the training grounds dubiously. "This is what we came all this way to see?"

"Yes, it's an ancient and forgotten training ground, used exclusively by the masters of long ago!" Genma declared pompously.

"Yeah, yeah…" Ranma said as he waved him off. "I'm sure there's something wrong with it, or it would still be in use and look at all these signs saying 'Spring of Drowned' stuff."

"You read Chinese?"

"Enough to get by, you didn't precisely give me enough warning to learn it before we left."

"All that book learning is just going to make you weak," Genma snorted contemptuously.

"Yeah, sure…" Ranma said while looking at his reflection in one of the springs. "This is strange, I look like I have red…"

**SPLASH!**

Genma grinned, he knew what motivated his … Boy?!

The tape showed a redhaired girl climbing from the spring and screaming in rage.

What followed was so graphic, everyone turned green, prompting Ranma to click off the set.

"And that's how I got cursed."

Everyone drank some tea in silence, working to settle their stomachs.

"So how did, Mr. Satome get cursed?" Kasumi asked sweetly, noting that he was still uncursed on the tape.

"The Guide interrupted me while I was changing The Spring of Drowned Panda into The Spring of Drowned Moron!" Ranma said cheerfully as everyone paled.

"Well your problem isn't so bad," Soun laughed out nervously while everyone stared at him as if he were mad. "Just pick one of my daughters and she'll be your new wife!"


	23. Chapter 23

**Yo Ho Hoe!**

The pounding on the door was beginning to go straight from the condition known as 'on my nerves' to the condition known as 'justifiable homicide'. Of course being the only law in these parts means I get to play Judge, Jury, and Executioner and not have to worry about my face appearing on Wanted Posters. Like the crap they pulled on me back in England.

I considered answering the door, then I considered setting the knocker on fire. I decided to compromise and do both. Opening the door I gazed upon someone I thought I'd never see again. Hermione 'I'm Always Right' Granger. In keeping with my earlier decision I cast a quick spell to set her clothes afire and slammed the door.

I hadn't seen the girl in over five years, but my clock said it was just after one in the afternoon – way too early to deal with this shit. I refuse to rise before 3PM if I can help it.

I heard a scream and a splash from outside. Good that means Granger's taken care of and I can go back to sleep. The nibbling feeling that's heading down my torso says that while I can go back to bed I'll be up soon… 'Well as long as I don't have to get out of bed, I suppose being up as long as I don't have to get up is fine.'

Things were just getting interesting when my cabin door was slammed open and a pissed off witch in charred robes stormed in and my bedmate vanished.

Sighing I turned and silenced her with a wave of my hand. She's so pissed she rants and raves for a few minutes before she notices she's been silenced. I watch attentively – well I watch her breasts attentively. She's grown since I've last saw her… Well the girls have anyway and I'm more than happy to see them – not so much her.

She canceled the silencing spell on herself and glared at me. "Why did you set me on fire and toss me overboard?!"

"I did no such thing." I denyed flatly, rising to my feet. Fortunately I'm still flying the skull and bones here so the blanket comes with me.

Her eyes are forced back to my face with a great deal of effort I noted.

"You didn't set me on fire?" she asks sarcastically.

"Oh, no – I did that. I just didn't toss you overboard, I went back to bed! I assume you flung yourself overboard."

There was a pop, and Dobby appeared in clothes tailored to him, clothes that looked as if they'd just been slung on. "That was me," Dobby said as he took a slug off a small green bottle.

Harry looked at Dobby as if he'd never seen him before. "What the hell are you doing out of bed this early?! I usually never see you until sometime after four."

Dobby shrugged. "Winky drank some ghouly drink last night that turned all her hair into snakes. So when I went to cuddle with her I was almost bit on my unmentionables."

"Yeah, that'll getcha out of bed in a hurry unless you happen to be a parselmouth." Harry remarked, scratching his head in thought. "What position were you in for the snakes to be THAT close?"

Dobby laughed. "I did say ALL her hair and while she may shave her legs, she says shaving anything else makes her feel like I'm a pervert."

"Like you're a pervert?" Harry asked confused.

Dobby shrugged. "Don't try to understand women, just nod and pretend you understand when they say crazy things and you'll be fine. Best advice you ever gave me."

"Was I drunk?"

"Very." Dobby grinned. "I find you much more wise and all knowing when drunk."

The two burst into laughter as if they were sharing some joke that only they knew.

Dobby popped off to do whatever it was he did, when he wasn't doing Winky.

Harry turned to his old school chum, the smile falling off his face. "So, what do you want, Granger?"

"The Wizengamut…"

"Can go fuck themselves," Harry suggested. "Or did you forget the vow I made before I left?"

"B-but, you've helped out before!" she protested.

Harry shook his head. "I have never, ever done anything but help a few friends who personally asked for my help. My vow said nothing about that."

"Then I need your help!" she exclaimed.

He snorted. "I don't feel like being stabbed in the back today, thanks. Try again this time next week. Besides, you wouldn't like the cost of having me work for you. And I don't feel like letting little 'Miss Lockheart' have another shot at scrambling my brain."

"I… didn't know it was going to turn out that way. I thought…" her voice trailed off.

Harry shrugged. "Don't care. Ask Luna what the cost of my help is and then ask yourself if it's really worth it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get my beauty sleep. I'm sure you can see yourself out."

That said Harry returned to bed and Hermione found herself looking out at the ship from the pier.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor Nightmare on Elm Street.**

**Harry Potter and the Death of D****reams**

The figure was cloaked in shadows with only a battered brown fedora and tattered black and red sweater visible. "Why have you summoned me? Come to think of it – how did you summon me?" his voice was low and raspy, reminiscent of a mad dog's growl.

The boy stood tall on the catwalk, under a battered sixty watt bulb that swung lazily back and forth in the old boiler room, he instinctively knew that showing weakness of any kind would cause the figure in front of him to turn on him, regardless of any fetters he might have on the spirit, but then summoning a shade of cruelty and death was always risky, even old Tom wasn't crazy enough to try and leash one in his quest for power.

"I need someone to slaughter a rather large number of people for me, in ways both cruel and unusual, your resume spoke for itself. Springfield is a masterpiece of pain and despair, where the living truly envy the dead," the boy said with a grin that straddled the line between friendly and predatory.

"As to the how..." the boy brought his right hand out from behind his back, showing the man a very familiar sight.

It had started life as a simple leather glove before he'd gotten ahold of it, he had reinforced it with steel plates and lovingly crafted the blades that sprouted from the tip of each finger. It was his paintbrush for bringing color to an oh so drab world. It was his baton for orchestrating the screams that banished the voices that tormented him. It was his chisel for carving away the useless bits of flesh from humanity, leaving behind a beautiful unmoving sculpture to glisten wetly in its wake. It was the instrument of his artistry.

"How?" the gravelly voice was filled with wonder. "I saw it destroyed. They melted it down with an arc welder, leaving me here alone with no way to practice my craft."

The boy nodded. "I reforged it, not an easy task I'll admit, afterall you did put a piece of your soul into its creation. I reforged it at least half a dozen times before I figured that out. Of course once I knew that, it was a relatively simple matter to sacrifice a bit of soul to give it back the spark that elevated it from a simple tool into a masterpiece."

"You sacrificed a piece of your soul to bring my glove back to life?" He stepped forward in shock, revealing a face that had been badly burned in the past, so badly burned in fact that his features had an unfinished look where the flesh had started to run like wax.

If the boy was disturbed by his appearance it didn't show. "I did much better than that," the boy said holding out a quill and scroll. "If you sign this contract not only do you get your glove back, but I can guarantee at least a dozen new souls to play with, hmmm?"

The man frowned in concentration as he read through the scroll. "The party the first part... This thing reads like stereo instructions, can you just give me a summary?"

"Sure, I give you back your glove along with one soul immediately and in exchange you have to obey me. I provide the means of entering my enemy's dreams and you get to claim their souls when they die. They become permanent residents of the glove."

"Whats the catch?"

"No catch, except what I've already stated. I provide the targets and the connection to them, and you collect them. You get the souls, I get their powers – doesn't that sound fair?"


	25. Chapter 25

**Merc**

**AN:I don't own Naruto**

"Close my eyes, why would I want to close my eyes in an unsecured area with a traitorous chunin of all things unconscious over there?"

"So I can give you something," Iruka replied, the moment ended by Naruto's usual lack of tact.

"I don't know if I feel safe doing that," Naruto said suspiciously, "you are a know associate of Mizuki over there – and that pause when you were talking about me and the fox being two different people may have been dramatic but it still took about ten years off my life!"

Iruka growled, "Well excuse me for not having the right words already written up. I never thought I'd have to put into words how I feel about my little brother. Now close your eyes so I can give you my hitaite."

Naruto's smile was so wide it almost cut his head in half as he tackled Iruka in a hug. "You mean it? You think of me as a little brother?"

Iruka hissed, "Yes, now what say we dress my wounds before I bleed out?"

"Heh, sorry Iruka-sensei, I forget most people tend to bleed a lot," Naruto said embarrassed as he quickly tended to Iruka's wounds.

"That's ok kiddo, I know you young'ns heal faster than us old folks."

"Tell me about it," Naruto snorted, "these should already have stopped bleeding and scabbed over by now."

"Naruto, most people...In fact no one I know, heals as fast as you do."

"I'm just awesome like that," Naruto smirked while finishing his work. 

"Yeah, yeah." Iruka smiled. "Now take my hitaite."

"Huh, why? You're a bit old to go missing nin and even if you did work with Mizuki they can hardly blame you for him turning traitor."

"I'm giving you my hitaite because you've passed, you're a ninja now," Iruka said proudly.

Naruto recoiled from the offered headband like it was a snake. "Hell no, I ain't accepting that!"

"What? But your dream was to graduate and become Hokage."

"Yeah, was. Mizuki is just one of many nin who want me dead. If I become a ninja it's just a matter of time before I don't come back because of an 'accident'."

"Surely it's not that bad," Iruka protested.

"It is, and don't call me Shirley," Naruto shot back. "Hell, the ANBU over there in the sheep mask still poisons my food every other week."

Iruka suddenly noticed the dozen or so ANBU around them, namely because they were radiating killing intent toward the sheep masked one who fell out of the tree he was hiding in.

Naruto waved it off. "Relax, he knows I'm immune to poison – he'd have to be an idiot not to by now. I always thought it was because of some prank or other I pulled on him, but it's probably because of the fox."

"I don't know what to say," Iruka admitted.

Naruto shrugged. "One crazy passive aggressive ANBU and a bunch of bigoted civilians I can accept, but now that I know about the fox it changes things. No matter what I do, they're only going to see the fox and dismiss anything else as a trick."

"People can change, Naruto."

"I'm the village boogeyman! Do you know how many times I've heard people telling their children to obey them or the fox would get them? Of course in the next sentence they'd warn their kids not to play with me either. That really should have been a big clue..." Naruto muttered.

Iruka sighed, seeing Naruto's point while the ANBU cleaned up the area and removed Mizuki. "What will you do then?"

"I have a henge that can't be beat and I can make a thousand solid clones. I could probably build a village to be Hokage of and people it with clones if I felt like it."

"You sound like you've put a lot of thought into this. But how when you've only known about it for about 18 minutes?"

"About eighty shadow clones decided there wasn't enough room for them to join in so they started talking about things, and when fifty of them dismissed themselves I got the discussion in my head."

Iruka nodded to the cat masked ANBU who told them the Hokage wanted to see them. "And the other thirty?"

"Painting the Uchiha sector pink," Naruto said blandly.

"Thats gonna be hard to do without getting caught," Iruka replied, a veteran prankster himself, and off the clock as a teacher so he didn't feel the need to bust Naruto on it.

A figure that looked exactly like the sheep masked ANBU ran past the group, wearing panties over his uniform and on his head with a cape woven from bras on his back, loudly chanting, "Boobies, boobies, boobies."

He was being chased by Special Jounin Anko, owner of said bras, who was yelling about killing him.

"They're in disguise," Naruto explained with a grin, while the sheep masked ANBU behind him whimpered.

* * *

"I wish I could convince you otherwise, but I'll respect your decision, Naruto. Is there anything I can do to help?" the old man asked hopefully, fearing he'd failed Naruto far too much for him to trust him anymore.

"Sure, I need people to teach me about civilian life, infiltration, and nin things that the teachers deliberately mis-taught me."

"Was it really that bad?" the Hokage asked sadly.

"People did things to handicap me left and right. The orange jumpsuit I wear is actually a modified prison jumpsuit I was convinced to get instead of the standard black, so people would know where I was. I kept it because I like the fact they can't ignore me in it, and it's made me one of the sneakiest people in the leaf. Despite that I should never have been sold it! There are a whole lot of straws like that on this camel's back, and I probably don't even recognize them because I was taught they were normal." Naruto shook his head sadly. "Do you know how long it took me to master Henge? And how much longer than that it took for me to realize everyone else's was just an illusion?"

"What?" Iruka and Sarutobi's shock was rather amusing to the whiskered blonde.

"Yeah, I learned an S-Class Jutsu in the time most people take to eat dinner and get ready for bed. Do you really think I can't do the regular clones and Henge because I'm stupid? I've got holes in my training that were purposely put there and only backfired once or twice. Do I really need to use ten percent of my chakra to make clones? Is stating your name and ambition loudly and smiling really the best way to make friends? Are those beetles you find under the fridge really good luck if you teach them to sing? Does the song have to sound good? Frankly my group sounds like a bunch of drunken samurai."

Naruto waved a hand in front of a frozen Iruka and Sarutobi, failing to get even a blink from them.

**AN: Everyone thank godogma who actually types up my stuff so I'll stop procrastinating so much!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Harry Potter and the Bonds to be Named Later**

It all started with a simple argument...

"How can you expect people to believe in a creature when there is no evidence that it exists?" Hermione demanded.

"Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence," Luna retorted primly. "Logic is not something you can arbitrarily disregard and expect to be taken seriously."

Hermione's mouth opened and closed several times without a sound coming out before she managed to regain the power of speech.

"If you go by that brand of logic, you could claim that the reason muggles lose socks in the dryer is that house elves steal them to use in secret fertility rites."

Luna nodded. "That is possible; of course if you want to prove it, you've got to do some research on the subject. I'd suggest talking to the elves at Hogwarts, but since it's secret rituals you'd have to figure out how to tell when elves are lying so you'd know when you were on the right track."

"I have no intention of researching the matter," Hermione groaned.

"Well, that's just lazy. How will you ever know if you're right or not unless you do research?"

"I just meant that anything is possible using your logic unless its been dis-proven."

"Exactly!" Luna said happily, glad her friend got it.

Hermione frowned as her brain worked overtime to try and figure out a way to explain Luna was wrong when she had a sinking feeling that she wasn't, or at least that she wasn't in any way that could be explained.

Neville decided to take one for the team when he thought he saw smoke rising from Hermione's head. "I don't think bonded house elves can lie to their masters, so someone bonded to a house elf could probably solve the question of muggle socks and secret rites fairly easily."

"You need to study the bonds first," Luna pointed out. "But then the study of bonds is something everyone should study, especially everyone here," Luna said as she slipped Harry a book on the subject.

"What?! Why?" Hermione asked, jarred out of the circles her mind was running in trying to argue with Luna by the thought of something new to study.

"Because the people in this compartment have some very strong and unusual bonds that affect them greatly," she explained.

"Like what?" Neville asked.

"You have a strong and easy bond with plants, which most people refer to as a green thumb. I can't be sure but I think that it affects your potion brewing ability, because any plant based ingredients would be enhanced by your touch."

"Huh, so that's why I keep screwing up potions?"

"That and Snape, his job is to make it as difficult as possible for anyone who isn't in Slytherin to brew potions. I guess Dumbledore wants to make sure no one in Slytherin becomes a Potions Master," Luna said brightly.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "His job is to teach potions, and make it easier for people to brew them by providing adult supervision and oversee their work."

Luna just raised an eyebrow. "Do we have to discuss the rules of logic again?"

Neville quickly jumped in, "Think of what the man actually does, not what he is supposed to do."

Hermione sighed and silently nodded, conceding her defeat.

"I'd think there would be more Potions Masters from Slytherin since they don't have to go through all the crap the rest of us do," Ron voiced what the rest of them were thinking.

Luna laughed like she'd been told the biggest joke. "Oh my, no. There hasn't been a Potions Master from Slytherin since he started teaching. No the purpose of the Potions Master exam is to see if you can brew under pressure and anyone who got an exceeds expectations from Snape in one of the other houses can pass easily. It's the Slytherins who always fail."

"So he's doing it on purpose?" Harry asked, eyes wide.

"No." Luna wrinkled her nose. "He's just an enormous arsehole and Dumbledore is using that."

Everyone turned to Hermione who just gave them a flat look. "What? It's pretty obvious."

"Anyway, we also have the life debts owed – those are pretty major bonds. Harry and Ginny also have links to You-Know-Who."

"What?!" everyone shrieked.

"Spells dealing with souls create incredible strong bonds, often making those created by life debts look like mere cobwebs."

Everyone fell silent as they considered Luna's words, not even asking how she knew what bonds there were among the group.

"Research?" Harry asked Hermione, glancing up from the book he was reading.

"Research," she agreed firmly.

*** * ***

"Harry Potter!" Dumbledore called out, sounding surprised as he read the unexpected Fourth entry from the Goblet of Fire, although with Harry's luck, you had to wonder why he was surprised at all.

Harry didn't even glance up from the book he was reading, or rather from the letter inside the book he was reading, until Hermione had nudged him several times. "What?!"

"They called you," she said.

"Who?"

"Dumbledore."

"What about him?" Harry asked, confused and only half paying attention as his eyes drifted back down to the letter.

Hermione closed the book he was reading the letter in. "Dumbledore called you because your name came out of the Goblet of Fire."

"Well, why'd he put it in then?!" Harry asked, still a bit distracted.

"I'm not sure he did, he sounded a bit surprised," she said contemplatively."And although your theory about Dumbledore being behind everything including the Kennedy assassination was well thought out, I think it's more likely that he knew what was going on and saw that his participation wouldn't be needed beyond a few nudges."

Harry scratched his head. "Hmmmm."

"At any rate, you'd better get in there with the rest of the champions so they can sort this out."

"More like blame me for some plot."

"I can't believe you," Ron growled. "Some friend you are!"

Harry looked over at Ron over the top of his glasses. "You've got to be kidding me," he stated in deadpan. Harry rolled his eyes at the pissed off redhead. "Alright Mr. Weasley your services as a friend are no longer required. I'm afraid you've fallen far below the minimum required intelligence level for the position."

Hermione just stared at Harry, stunned by the change in him.

Harry shrugged. "They dumped all of Dudder's old school books, as well as a bunch that were supposed to increase his vocabulary in my room, and with nothing to do but read and my school supplies locked up down in my old room... I read. I just generally skip it to keep Ron happy."

"What?" Ron asked, confused by Harry, who should be apologetic for entering his name in the Goblet – not looking annoyed and sounding like Hermione.

"If you're stupid enough to think I put my name in the Cup after I made my feelings about the whole stupid contest clear then I'm going to assume you're either as bright as Crabbe and Goyle or have the personality of Malfoy. Since you're giving me shit already, I'm going to have to say it's both and since I have to risk my life every year in some set up from Dumbledore…" Harry growled only to be interrupted by Hermione.

"Alleged!"

"Fine, setup from Dumbledore allegedly where I have to face Voldemort yet again to save the Wizarding World, I really don't need the extra ration of shite. You are no longer my friend, as I've decided to add a minimum intelligence requirement to the position."

"I. you... but?!" sputtered the redhead, confused and pissed at being compared to Malfoy.

"Yes, how lovely for you. I'm sure you'll get the hang of speaking eventually. Unfortunately I no longer give two shits. Do not speak to me, I'm no longer your friend. I'm afraid I can't be any clearer than that."

"How dare you?" Ron began, only to be silenced by Harry shoving a piece of fried chicken into his open mouth.

"And Hermione is mine!" Harry said firmly.

"Harry!" Hermione said, blushing brightly – everyone however noticed, she wasn't objecting.

"Hey!" Ginny protested.

"Fine, I'll share Hermione with you," Harry sighed. "I didn't know you were close friends with her, but I'm certainly not going to keep her from seeing her friends."

"Wait! What kind of mine do you mean … err relationship wise …" Hermione stumbled about.

"Whatever type of relationship you want," Harry replied firmly. Best friend was certainly an open slot, now with Ron gone and he had never been quite sure she wasn't his best friend anyway.

She blushed brightly, realizing Harry was allowing her to set the boundaries in their relationship to whatever she felt comfortable with meaning he trusted her completely.

"Oh, and can you read the letter Luna sent me? It seems to be a logical argument on why I should be molesting her at every opportunity."

"What?!"

Harry nodded. "I know, she's a nice girl and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm nearly as good at forming logical arguments as you are and she has some very compelling arguments in there."

Before Hermione could say anything, McGonagall came to escort Harry to the other Champions. "Mr. Potter, why must you always get into these messes?"

"Because either Voldemort or Dumbledore…" he began.

"Allegedly!"

"Well generally there is always some plot about that either targets me or needs me to solve it, because whenever I go to a 'responsible adult' they tell me everything is taken care of." He gave Minerva a pointed look, not quite brave enough to glare at her.

"You should never have been involved in either incident, you're much too young to be facing such dangers."

"Well if I don't show up for these events Voldemort gets a new body! Well and a lot of people die... but most of them keep pissing me off so I don't really care all that much at the moment."

"Hey!"

"Not you Ginny, I mean idiots who think I'm a Dark Wizard and the Heir of Slytherin because I can speak to snakes."

"I was there too," Ron began trying to puff up his own importance.

"I could have simply flown with Hermione over the chessboard as the puzzle beforehand provided brooms," Harry said after stuffing another drumstick into Ron's mouth to shut him up.

"I really need to learn a spell that conjures chicken legs, it'd make my life so much easier," Harry said before remembering what he was talking about. "Anyway, has anyone ever **asked** what snakes talk about?"

"What do snakes talk about?" Seamus asked. "I bet it's all temptation and dark magic."

Harry just rolled his eyes. "Actually it's all about the best places to get a tan and find the juiciest mice."

Minerva and Lavender both looked interested. Hopefully for different reasons, Harry thought to himself.

"What? Really?!"

"Yes Seamus, they're just animals. They mostly bitch about the cold. If you want to hear about temptation and dark magic, talk to the owls."

"Owls talk about temptation and dark magic?" Hermione gasped, wide eyed.

"All the time," Harry confirmed. "Snakes don't often live with wizards, owls see everything and they tend to gossip a lot."

"Owls are evil?" Ron asked, having finished off the chicken leg.

Harry stuffed another one in Ron's mouth. "No, but even evil wizards write letters and owls see a lot more than you'd think."

"You speak owl?" Seamus asked.

"Nah, don't be silly. Hedwig does, and she tells me what they talk about."

Before anyone could question him on how he could talk to Hedwig if he didn't speak owl, Madame Pomfrey interrupted, "Mr. Potter they need you with the other Champions. Am I going to need to get your usual bed ready?"

"Keep it on standby Madam Pomfrey, I'm sure it'll be needed before whatever plot of Voldemort or Dumbledore -"

"Alleged!"

"Alleged plot of Dumbledore is finished," Harry corrected himself and started toward the end of the hall.

Everyone in the room turned when Harry entered.

"Do they need the Champions for something?" Fleur, a french girl with an almost ridiculously thick accent, asked.

"Nah, some bastard played silly buggers with the Cup so my name came out. I'm pretty sure Dumbledore knows who, but he'll play dumb until it's all over and I wake up in hospital again just in time for the closing feast."

"This happens to you a lot?" asked Krum.

"Every year. First year, it was a possessed DADA teacher. Second year it was a possessed student and the DADA teacher I brought along, just in case, turned out to be almost as bad."

"How come there wasn't a trial then?" Cedric asked curiously, as the truth of the matter had never gotten out.

"Well the first year DADA teacher got burned to ash, and everyone knows what happened to the second year DADA teacher. He managed to wipe his own mind using Weasley's wand. The student who I won't name, because she really doesn't need people harassing her, was fine once I destroyed the cursed diary that was possessing her."

"What about Slytherin's monster?" Cedric asked.

"Giant basilisk. Dumbledore's phoenix clawed out its eyes, and I stabbed through the roof of its mouth into its brain with a sword the Sorting Hat brought me."

"I thought its gaze killed," Krum said.

"It does. The direct gaze of a basilisk kills, and a filtered or reflected gaze only petrifies. So the direct gaze was useless against a phoenix."

"How big a basilisk are we talking here?" Krum asked skeptically.

Harry shook his head. "I have no clue. I was smaller last year and scared shit-less. I wish there was a way to share memories, that would be real useful in this situation."

"You mean like a pensieve?" Madam Maxine asked.

"A what?" Harry asked.

"A pensieve, it's a runic bowl used to share memories or store them so you can look them over later," Madam Maxine explained.

"That sounds brilliant!" Harry exclaimed. "Do you have one with you?"

"Non, but I know of a quick runic construct that works almost as well and will only take a few seconds to set up."

"That would be great! I get tired of telling people things and having them not believe me. Set it up and I'll show you what I mean."

Madam Maxine took a piece of chalk from her pocket and quickly made a 6'x8' chalk diagram on the wall. Something rather easy for someone her size. With a tap of her wand it turned into a shimmering silver screen.

"OK, now what do I do?" Harry asked eagerly.

"Put your wand to your temple, and think carefully of what you'd like to extract. Slowly pull your wand away then flick it at the screen."

Harry did as instructed and everyone watched fascinated as the events in the Chamber of Secrets were revealed.

What had seemed like hours at the time to Harry was less than five minutes in real time.

"Man was I scrawny," Harry commented at the end while everyone just stared at him.

"Ooh! Let's watch the troll incident from my first year!"

Harry laughed as the scene of him jumping on the troll played out. "Man, I really need to eat more. But being starved most of my life not to mention every summer has really stunted my growth. I don't suppose there's a magic way to fix it?"

Karkaroff nodded. "Da, but it is a dark spell as it switches the problem with someone else, giving you their growth and strength while making them suffer your starvation and neglect."

"Aww... Figures, I don't suppose I can just cast it on a Death Eater or Voldemort could I?"

"I suppose you could, but it would still be a dark spell."

"Yeah, but it's not like they could take me to court," Harry said thoughtfully. "And I really would rather see them weakened."

Karkaroff absently wrote the spell on a piece of parchment and handed it to Harry as Dumbledore came in the door with Snape on his heels.

"He's nothing but an attention seeking brat! I don't care what he claims, I'm sure he put his name in the Cup," Snape complained as they entered the room.

Harry smiled and put his wand to his temple for a moment as Snape ranted, before flicking it at the screen again.

Everyone watched in shock as Harry's first class with Snape went by, followed by clip after clip of how Snape behaved toward the young Gryffindor in his first year.

"You spoiled little brat, just because you can't stand the fact that you aren't treated as royalty here like you are at home..."

Harry flicked his wand at the screen and it started playing a whole new section of memories involving the Dursley family.

An ashen faced Dumbledore found himself at a loss for words, while Snape just seemed a bit happier for having seen it.

The stunned silence lasted for a moment before Harry held up his wand and spoke, "I swear on my magic that I didn't enter my name into the Cup or ask anyone else to put my name in." A soft blue glow outlined Harry for a moment before fading away.

"Lumos," he said casually causing his wand to light up. "Well, guess I'm not one of the Champions."

Moody and Bagman entered the room just in time to hear Harry's denial.

"I'm sorry but rules are rules. You entered your name in the Cup, so you have to compete or risk losing all your magic," Bagman explained snidely, wondering why everyone there was looking at him as if he were an idiot.

Harry yawned. "Nah, I was reading about debts and bonds and while someone can confound a magical object they can't confound magic itself, so I don't have to worry about losing my magic at all. Of course everyone that intentionally tried to pledge me to this is going to lose all their magic," Harry said smugly.

"Potter, just because you don't want to own up to putting your name in is no reason to risk it. Claim you didn't all you want but you need to compete," Moody growled.

"I'd rather get the magic of whoever pledged me, thanks," Harry said cheerfully.

"Potter!" Snape sneered. "Ordering one of your flunkies to enter you is just as binding as entering yourself."

Harry rolled his eyes, knowing that getting Snape to accept reality was nearly impossible. "Did you know that if you owe a life debt and betrayed and/or harmed the person it belonged to they can ask magic to intercede on their behalf to make things right?" Harry said conversationally but with a glint in his eye that Dumbledore didn't like.

"Harry!" Dumbledore quickly called out. "I'm sure such extreme measures aren't called for, after all didn't Professor Snape save your life expunging the debt?"

Harry looked thoughtful. "That is entirely possible, but you do know that life debts can not be accrued or paid if you had a hand in creating the situation, right?"

"Let the brat cast the spell, I'm sure I've paid off everything I've owed him a dozen times over and I could use a slave," Snape snorted while everyone who had seen Harry's memories just stared at him like he was mad.

"Excellent!" Harry agreed. "I'll just call in all debts owed me, and we'll see if you're right."

"All debts Harry?" Dumbledore asked nervously. "Surely there's no need to go that far."

"There is, and don't call me Shirley." Harry laughed as he held up his wand and cast "Karmatic Equilibrium!" sending a wave of magic out that was felt by everyone, although the effects wouldn't be known for quite some time.

**AN: Mucho gracias to godogma for typing this up!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Turnabout**

**Disclaimer – I don't mean to sound gay or nothin' but unicorns kick ass. Oh... and I don't own Harry Potter concepts, I'm just adding my own unique and probably immoral spin.**

Harry looked down at the slightly smoking body of his Headmaster, oddly enough he felt no guilt.

Finding out about the Prophecy was a shock, but it was the realization just how much Dumbledore had screwed up his life that caused the explosion. Dumbledore had manipulated everything since he had heard the Prophecy.

He'd sent his parents into hiding; effectively painting a huge bulls-eye on them, he could have easily just sheltered them at Hogwarts.

He'd sent Harry to live with the Dursley family, Harry was pretty sure being raised by wolves would have been much better. Hell, a pack of hyenas would have been better. Sure they were dangerous and brutal predators, but at least he could have had a laugh every once in a while.

He'd let Sirius be sent to Azkaban without a trial, the least he could have done was insisted veritaserum be used before sending him. The old man was the head of the Wizengamot; that was easily within his powers, but then Sirius would have been named his guardian and Harry would have never ended up with the Dursleys.

The very air itself trembled for a moment as Harry contemplated that fact, had Dumbledore sent Sirius to prison knowing he was innocent just to get control of Harry?

He almost blasted the old man again, before a comment Hermione made came back to him. "Never ascribe to ill intent what can be explained through incompetence." Besides Fawkes wouldn't have stayed with him if he were evil. Phoenixes could sense evil. It was too bad phoenixes lacked the ability to sense senility – it would have saved Harry no end of trouble he was sure. Just look at the teachers the old coot hired.

Harry thought about his record with teachers of the school; he'd killed one teacher his first year, he'd been sorta responsible for wiping the mind of another his second year, though if pressed he could probably pawn that off on Ron – it wasn't like the teacher had much of a mind to begin with anyway. He'd gotten one teacher kissed by a dementor, sure he was an imposter but he'd also been one of the best DADA teachers he'd had.

Three teachers he'd managed to destroy body, mind and soul like he was going through a checklist. 'Looks like there really is a curse on the job, wonder if we can get Snape to teach next year?'

Snape as a defense instructor would mean getting cursed in class, but there was always the chance to curse him back – and he'd be gone by the end of the year. 'Would it be considered evil to plot his death before school started?' If he was going to die anyway the least Harry could do was make it entertaining.

Plus it'd be nice to be taught Potions by someone who didn't have a maniacal hatred for him.

Harry shook off planning Snape's demise, fun though it was – he really needed to be concerned with his own impending doom first.

The enemy was an evil bastard of enormous power with a lot of rich followers. Harry was a single not yet fully trained student wizard with a hand full of friends in that same condition, who'd follow him into hell if he asked. Come to think of it, they'd probably follow him into hell if he begged them not to with Hermione naming off Satan's weak points and Neville saying he'd probably just get in the way while blasting the hell out of demons every five minutes.

Harry smiled slightly, having friends made it all worthwhile. Not that they made him any less doomed, but at least he knew someone would care when he was gone.

'Dumbledore really screwed the pooch on this one.' If Harry had been raised knowing about magic and had been trained since that day he might have stood a chance, especially if Dumbledore had quietly offed Voldie's supporters.

Even if the power was love, as Dumbledore had attested, he was woefully under trained in dealing with that.

Fortunately the Prophecy was fairly straight forward in saying Harry wasn't the only hope of defeating snake lips or Harry would be worried.

So knowing he had no chance of surviving, what would his parents want him to do? Sirius had doubtlessly told them what Harry had done so far.

That thought brought a smile to his face, he knew the afterlife existed and Sirius hadn't been but a pale shadow of himself since his parents died. In a way it had been a small mercy for him.

Dumbledore stirred a little so Harry kicked him firmly in the head. He really didn't need the bumbling old fart's input right now.

"Let's see, loads of cash, limited lifespan and being hunted..." The longer he could distract Voldemort the more of a chance someone who could defeat him had to show up.

Harry frowned as he thought for a moment, until he remembered a failed attempt at spell crafting his mother had been working on...

With an evil grin on his face he waved his wand and chanted 'fair play' in Latin.

* * *

Snape glanced around the still smoldering office and gave a small smirk at the sight of Potter slightly crispy around the edges lying unconscious on the floor. "That's funny, I would have laid odds that I would be the first teacher to snap and lay him out," he commented laconically, suppressing his desire to fetch a camera.

Dumbledore may accept his snarkiness, but it was doubtful he'd let Snape openly gloat about the boy's misfortune. A pity that.

Dumbledore simply sighed. "I'm afraid the poor boy just couldn't stand the pressure. He snapped when I told him of the Prophecy and practically combusted. I obliviated him, naturally. It just wouldn't do to have someone so mentally unstable in possession of such dangerous information. Spell felt a bit off when I hit him with it, but with the protections layered upon him that's to be expected. I hope I didn't erase too much, it was quite a surge."

Snape almost smiled. Not only had the Headmaster not rebuffed him for his casual disrespect to a student's possible injury and the resulting amusement it in-gendered, but he also seemed to be coming around to Snape's point of view of the little trouble maker. He wondered if he should press his luck. 'Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained'. "I don't suppose you'd let me take a picture?" he asked hopefully.

Dumbledore sighed regretfully and looked at the Potions Professor with deep disappointment, before quickly glancing around and seeing that all the picture frames were still empty from their occupants fleeing Harry's earlier burst of temper. "Only if you make me a copy as well."

Snape's shoulders had drooped a bit as the Headmaster gave him a disappointed look, it never failed to make him feel guilty; his crafty check of the room for witnesses had snapped him out of it. His letting him take photos and wanting his own copies? This was better than any gift he'd ever received. With a look of pure joy Snape ran from the room. "I'll get my camera!"

Dumbledore snickered at Snape's quick exit. It was actually nice to see he and Snape could share an amusing moment together without the world coming to an end. Shame what was happening wasn't quite what Snape thought it was. 'On second thought, scratch that. I think things are going just fine.'

Snape burst back into the room panting and wheezing with his camera in one hand.

Dumbledore blinked, stunned. "How did you managed to get back so fast? Your room is on the other side of the castle and down over five flights of stairs."

Panting heavily Snape gasped, "Ran... fast..."

Dumbledore fell into the one surviving chair in the room. "I think you may have broken a couple of world records with that run."

"Had to … get back … before boy … wakes up."

Dumbledore simply shrugged "We could always stun him, in fact we probably should. Would you care to do the honors professor?"

Snape sniffed with a tear in his eye "You're not just teasing me? I can stun him?!"

Dumbledore smiled benevolently, or as benevolently as one can smile when allowing a teacher under your authority to assault a student. Which is to say, not very. "Knock yourself out, figuratively speaking of course."

They shared a small chuckle as Snape caught his breath and readied himself to cast.

"Better make it a strong one; I think it'd be best if he slept until he arrived at the Dursley's, for the greater good you understand," Dumbledore commented with twinkling eyes.

With a wide grin, Snape drew in a deep breath and gathered his power together before hitting Harry with a stunner that was so strong you could actually see his skeleton outlined in light through his skin for a moment. Harry's clothes looked a bit crispier after being hit with Snape's overpowered Stunner, little wisps of smoke were actually rising from his clothes once more.

Snape glanced over anxiously, wondering if he'd overdone it a touch only to find an amused smirk on the Headmaster's face.

"Got the camera ready? I want some shots with the smoke still rising."

Snape jumped slightly for no apparent reason.

"Is something wrong Severus?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"No sir, I just pinched myself," Snape said, embarrassed.

"Ah, alright then... Let's get this done," Dumbledore replied, not wanting to know why Snape was abusing himself.

A quick set of photos was done with Harry used as a prop as everything from a foot rest, to a fishing trophy, and everything in between.

Snape took the last photo with Harry on all fours wearing a dog collar and a leash, and Dumbledore pointing at him with both hands and holding the leash.

"Excellent, be sure to make me a set now."

"Of course sir, I wouldn't dream of forgetting it."

"Regrettably I have things I can't put off any longer. Be sure to drop him off at the Dursley's promptly. Just set him on the back stoop with his things. I'm sure Vernon will be glad to skip another long drive to pick him up."

"Of course sir," Snape's eyes were shiny with un-shed tears of joy.

"Oh, and Severus?"

"Yes sir?"

"Cast some spell on him, so he can't communicate vocally or through writing. Just in case the obliviate didn't take. We don't need him needlessly causing people to panic."

"Any particular spell, sir?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "Be creative, I'll trust your judgment on it. Just tell the Order that he's not to have contact with anyone so he can mourn in peace. It's for the greater good after all."

"Oww!"

"Did you just pinch yourself again?"

"Yes sir."

"Well, I'll leave you to it. Just float Harry out with you, I simply must get to work now."

"Of course sir," Snape said with a grin and a quick wave of his wand out stepped Snape, practically skipping leaving Dumbledore alone in his office.

Turning around he almost ran into Fawkes, who was staring at him with a very stern expression on his avian face.

"Hello my loyal familiar and best friend." Dumbledore said cheerfully, only to falter and stare at his shoes under the stern gaze of an irritated phoenix.

"Oh crap, you're not buying it are you?"

The answering chirp caused him to wince.

"Oh well, I don't suppose we could at least discuss this somewhere with lots of scantily clad women and cheap drinks? Like a clothing optional beach in Australia?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

The surprised but clearly approving trill was followed by a brief burst of flame, leaving the Headmaster's office completely empty.

Several thousand miles and several pina colada's later …

"So my mom was working on creating a charms version of polyjuice... It has a few bugs though, while it allows you to assume someone else's form it also forces them to assume yours. Of course the biggest flaw in the spell is that it prevents you from performing spells while it's active and it lasts a week."

Fawkes cocked his head to one side after taking another sip of his Everclear and coke and trilled a question.

"Yeah, I suppose there probably are a few more side effects. My mom's notes said something about intrinsic magic, but it was real technical and apparently she used the spell a time or two to play pranks on my dad, so it wasn't a major problem."

Fawkes dipped his beak back into his drink only to find it empty, and trilled something that caused Harry to wince and exclaim "Language!" in a manner eerily reminiscent of Hermione, before hopping down the bar and perching himself down in front of a guy who had just paid for a pitcher of beer.

Fawkes locked eyes with the wizard, a formidable looking lad who probably wrestled trolls for a living and began to sing.

Harry recognized the song as a lullaby Hermione had sang him to sleep with in the Gryffindor common room after a particularly bad vision had hit him one night. He never did find out what she'd been doing up at that hour, knowing her it was probably some extra credit report for one of her classes.

The man slowly drifted off to sleep on the bar, whereupon Fawkes cupped his wings around the pitcher and drug it back to his seat accompanied by the laughter of half a dozen people who'd caught the act, Harry included.

**AN: Once again all hail godogma for typing this up for me!**


	28. Chapter 28

**X-2 Squared but not Square**

An evil grin grew on Xander's face, well one of the two Xanders' faces.

The splitting spell had proved impossible to end. No one knew why, just that it wouldn't and it was dismissed after a couple of days as just one of those Xander things that no one talked about, like the fact that Xander could still swim like a fish and hold his breath for just a few seconds shy of half an hour, or the fact that he and Dracula had become pen pals.

Xander was the normal one of the group and any evidence to the contrary was repressed by the Scoobs faster than the average Sunnydaler repressed anything to do with the night life.

Xander looked over at his grinning twin. "What?"

"I'm bored," he replied, words completely at odds with his smile.

"Do I always look that insane when I do that?" Xander asked Dawn.

Dawn was trying and failing to copy Xander's evil grin. "Yep."

Willow took one look at the grinning Xander and left; she still remembered the noodle incident and while she loved Tara dearly it was every woman for herself when Xander grinned like that.

"Why did Willow just leave?" Tara asked.

"Because she's a party pooper," Xander replied seriously.

"I had this great idea to build a kind of chicken noodle soup … device. At first she claimed it'd never work and then once I got it working she claimed it was a bad idea, but I proved her wrong – well, kinda."

The other Xander began to grin as well. "I remember that. I managed to serve chicken noodle soup to half the cafeteria in a third of the time the lunch ladies did, before the SWAT team arrived."

Tara tried hard to visualize how serving lunch could be scary enough to justify calling in a SWAT team.

"What did this … device look like?"

"A shotgun," Xander said cheerfully. "It was Halloween and I had dressed as the Terminator so I wanted it to match."

"Did it make sounds like a real shotgun?" Tara asked, beginning to see why Willow had left.

"Of course! What fun is it to shoot chicken soup from a device that looks like a shotgun if it doesn't sound like a shotgun?" Xander asked.

Dawn nodded, thinking it made perfect sense.

Tara frowned. "Wouldn't the soup make a mess if you were shooting it? I mean I can't think of a way not to make a mess doing that."

Xander nodded. "Yes, but progress always comes with a price and if the price of inventing the chicken soup auto delivery system is a bit of spilled soup... Well that's just the price I'm willing to pay."

The other Xander sighed. "It's just a shame the selector switch got caught on full auto."

"Yeah, I blame the SWAT team. They startled me when I was adjusting the selector switch, so I didn't have to worry about it getting stuck on full auto."

"Took out the entire SWAT team in under a minute. Fortunately there were no serious injuries," Xander said proudly.

"So, what's your idea this time?" Tara asked despite herself.

"Well, both Riley and Joyce are sick so I was thinking..." Xander began.

"Why don't we come up with ways to heal them? Because the whole magic can't be used to heal thing sounds like a load of crap," Xander finished, following the other Xander's train of thought.

"It's not that magic can't be used to heal, it's just that light magic can't," Tara explained. "Interfering in the natural order of things is dark by its very nature."

Dawn frowned. "Well that sucks."

"Sounds like somebody dropped the ball on that one, since everyone but plain Jane humans get bonuses in it," Xander snorted.

"I'll learn Dark Magic if it'll let me heal people," Xander spoke up.

"But those who practice Dark Magic always end up turning Dark," Tara protested.

"So those that practice Light Magic always end up as some sort of Saint?" Xander asked curiously.

"Well no, but they do end up… less evil?" Tara tried as an answer not quite positive it was the best way to put it.

"So how about alternating light and dark spells so I can stay roughly the same?" Xander asked.

"I suppose that could work," Tara allowed.

"Or what if one Xander cast Light Magic while the other Xander was casting Dark?" Dawn burst out.

Tara got a contemplative look on her face and everyone fell silent while waiting for her to speak.

"I think that may work, I'll have to search for everything to do with splitting and countering dark taint first though."

"Brilliant idea Dawnie!" the two Xander's chorused, before hugging her from both sides, smothering her between them and making her vanish from sight before pulling back, revealing a red faced but glowing Dawn.

"Let's go bug Giles. He has all the books and probably knows a lot about the subject," Xander suggested.

"Why would you think he's studied it?" Tara asked one of the Xanders while the other gave Dawn a piggy back ride since she claimed her legs weren't working.

Xander grinned. "Let's just say Giles was concerned for my well being at first when I was split and later concerned for his own sanity."

"His own sanity?" Tara asked, trying not to grin as she saw where this was going.

"Yes, apparently the perfection that is I just overwhelms lesser males," Xander said with obvious false modesty.

Tara burst out laughing despite her best efforts not to.

* * *

"I can't believe you tickled me!" Tara protested.

"It was a nudge more than anything. My humor was simply too overwhelmingly funny not to laugh," Xander claimed.

"I have red marks on my sides that prove different," Tara countered, pretending to be upset.

"I didn't tickle you too hard?" Xander said, worried he had gotten too rough with the normally shy blonde.

Tara quickly put her hand on his arm, calming him down.

"I was just teasing," she answered him, still amazed at finding there were men like Xander who felt bad if they harmed someone even by accident. He was so unlike the males in her family that she felt, just like Buffy had said before, he was like one of the girls at times.

The bell above the door rang as the four entered the magic shop.

"Good afternoon and welcome … oh it's just you," Giles said.

"And wasn't that an enthusiastic greeting?" Xander said teasingly.

"Sorry, I'm just finding it a bit hard to run the shop all by myself since Anya left," Giles said then winced. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up."

"It's no problem," Xander said, waving of Giles' apology. "She just learned that 'be careful what you wish for' applies to her too. Apparently two Xander's was too much for her. She broke up with me, saying that being able to walk was important to her and since she wasn't going to be with me there was no reason to risk the Hellmouth. I'm a bit down, but it's impossible to stay mopey around these two."

The Xander with Dawn on his back opened his mouth to say something, but Giles cut him off. "You know the rule, only one Xander gets to speak around me and since one of you already has – you have to remain silent."

At the two girl's questioning looks Giles explained, "When the two of them get going my brain hurts. I'm certain there's a more tactful way to put that but at least it's succinct."

Both Xanders grinned, showing a bit of perverse pride in their ability to drive English men insane.

"We just need to borrow your back room for a research party," Xander explained.

"Oh really?" Giles perked up. "Is it something I can help with?"

"We're researching everything we can find on doppelgangers, and dark magic taint, as well as healing," Tara explained. "The idea is that having one Xander cast light magic while the other casts dark healing spells will balance out and avoid any dark taint."

Giles eyes lit up. "That sounds fascinating, I'd be glad to help."

The bell over the shop door rang and he sighed, turning to greet the customer only to find a slightly smoking Spike, taking a blanket off his head.

"Spike what are you doing here?" Dawn asked.

"I came to steal some berber weed, it goes great with blood. Makes it all spicy," Spike explained.

"We were just going to do some research, if you'd care to man the counter while we work I'll give you a bag free and a carton of smokes," Giles offered.

"I don't know if it'll taste the same if it's not stolen, but I'll give it a try. How do you run the counter anyway?" Spike asked, clearly bored and wanting something to do.

"Pretend the customer is someone you want to spend time around, who you are glad to see and convince them to buy things they don't need," Xander explained.

"So basically lie and swindle?" Spike asked, brightening considerably.

"That's the hallmark of retail," Dawn agreed.

"Excellent! This I know how to do. If there was a spot of violence and some blood involved this would be a dream job," Spike declared.

"I'll get you a mug of blood," Giles headed for the back room.

"No more than a minute in the microwave and remember the berber!" Spike called back. "Now if there was a bit of a brouhaha involved I'd call this a good day."

"The average counter person lasts around a week and a half before something kills them around here," Xander said. "So if an evil demon comes in; beat them unconscious, roll them for cash and then kill them in the back alley."

The group left a very happy Spike manning the counter.

"How would you like to be my chair?" Dawn asked the non-speaking Xander and said, before he could reply, "Oh right, you aren't allowed to talk. Well, silence implies consent."

Dawn pushed him into a chair and climbed into his lap. Snuggling into his lap she said, "Alright now teach me Latin on one of these suckers."

Tara and Xander grinned at the poleaxed Xander that Dawn was bullying into teaching her to read Latin, forgetting he wasn't allowed to speak.

"And now you aren't allowed to speak," Tara pointed out with an impish grin. "How would you like to rub my shoulders and fetch books for me? Well, silence implies consent."

* * *

"Alas poor Droopy, I knew him well," Spike toasted sarcastically.

"What's wrong with Xander?" Giles asked concerned.

"Completely whipped, shame really," Spike said insincerely. "And so young too."

Giles rolled his eyes. "I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Little Bit is using him as a chair, while forcing him to teach her Latin... and Glenda has tricked him into rubbing her shoulders, as she reads."

Giles blinked. "I'm sure he finds that much more rewarding than doing research. Its either karma or luck, I don't think he's clever enough to plan for it."

"One girl is underage for at least another year," Spike offered.

"And the other is a lesbian with no interest in men, who's dating his best friend who he was involved with at one time," Giles finished.

"Luck," the two chorused.

"And not exactly good or bad either, just strange," Spike decided.

"Yes, it's rather strange luck if you ask me."

Giles answered the phone and hung up after a few seconds. "Blasted telemarketers."

"Mind if I make a few calls?" Spike asked, unusually polite for him.

"What kind of calls?" Giles asked suspiciously.

Spike grinned. "I was planning on harassing Angel for a bit while he's trying to sleep."

"Of course you can," Giles offered. "But only if I can help."

**AN: Once again all hail godogma for typing this up for me!**

**AN2: Sadly I never developed a plot to go with this.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Scars**

Shaggy and the gang entered the First National Bank in high spirits to cash the check they'd received for solving yet another mystery.

Shaggy felt a little on edge, but nothing a full stomach couldn't cure when he noticed Scooby trembling. Scooby trembling wasn't really anything unusual, he'd spent so much time around Shaggy that his occasional bouts of paranoia had gotten to him – but only when they were in the woods or some spooky setting, never when they were in town around crowds of people.

Shaggy kneeled down and quickly attached a harness to Scooby while slipping on a pair of black shades and assembling a collapsible white cane. It wasn't the best of disguises as anyone who looked closely at the two and was familiar with guide dogs for the blind could see that the harness was much too lightweight, and the sunglasses Shaggy wore were the ones an optometrist gave you after dilating your eyes – barely more than cardboard and a strip of plastic, but it was one of a dozen disguises Shaggy had on them that would make the two look like someone else and this disguise had the benefit of making them look completely harmless as well.

Shaggy and Scooby got in line behind the rest of the gang, their appearance going unnoticed or perhaps just not commented on. They knew Shaggy and Scooby played the occasional practical joke and did silly things for fun.

Scooby had stopped trembling the moment Shaggy snapped the harness into place, playing the role of a well trained guide dog – relieved that Shaggy knew something was wrong and would direct him.

Scooby let out a slight sneeze as if something was annoying his nose.

Shaggy took a deep breath and froze for a second, recognizing the smell of blood and cordite in the air. It wasn't much, just a hint but it was enough to let him know that the situation was deadly serious.

It always amazed Shaggy how putting on the disguise of a blind man made him the next best thing to invisible. It's not that people didn't see a blind man, it's that they consciously didn't see a blind man, making room for him and looking anywhere but at him, as if by touch or sight he'd steal away their own vision.

Shaggy's eyes scanned the room from behind the strip of dark plastic. The crowd stood unnaturally still, not even breathing loudly – scared but trying to act as if everything was normal. He could smell their fear, but he knew that was all in his head as the coppery tang he smelled that was like newly minted pennies was likely newly minted pennies.

There were two men in the back of the room, one near the free cookie and coffee display, which Shaggy made a mental note to hit before they left, and the other near the chairs set out for rich older clients who showed up early for an appointment.

Shaggy quickly decided to not interfere unless he had to, there were two armed men covering the room and probably at least one somewhere in the back. That was a whole lot of guns and he was no longer the young recruit who thought he was bullet proof, because he'd never been shot in the last 18 years of his life so the odds of getting shot in the next four were next to nil.

He gave a gentle tug on Scooby's harness and headed over to the chairs. He wasn't going to interfere, he was just staying out of the way he told himself, as he tapped his cane along the floor, mimicking some of the blinded vets he'd seen at the VA hospital.

The two men barely seemed to notice him, dismissing him from consideration as soon as they saw he was blind.

Shaggy took out a small rubber ball and rolled it across the floor toward the second man across the way. Scooby stalked and pounced on the ball, bringing it back whereupon Shaggy scratched his head and rolled the ball again, giving him an excuse to scoot forward so he was barely sitting on the chair.

They did it a dozen more times with Scooby retrieving the ball from barely a foot away from the second man without him reacting at all.

Velma noticed something was wrong, but then that girl didn't miss much, Shaggy thought to himself. Fortunately she was also sharp enough to alert the others without alerting the watching men.

Shaggy really hoped they could handle this without bloodshed, or if he'd actually smelled blood earlier without any more bloodshed.

He rolled the ball again and Scooby was right next to the second man, a nervous looking man a bit smaller than Velma when gunshots sounded from the vault and a familiar looking police officer came in with a couple of friends, guns drawn.

They didn't see the two men in the back of the room and Shaggy knew he couldn't put things off any longer as the two started to pull their own pieces from where they'd hidden them.

Shaggy whistled softly from between his two front teeth while he spun to his left – the cane whipping out to seemingly caress the man's adam's apple and wrist, before Shaggy stepped in close and brought up his knee hard enough to raise the man half a foot in the air.

The two detectives with the patrol officer dove over the counter, not even looking toward the back of the room, leaving him to deal with what they assumed would just be some panicky civilians.

Officer Kenny hadn't assumed that was all he'd have to deal with, but trusted the Detectives to hold their own behind the counter, while he made sure his zone was clear.

Everyone hit the floor, flinching from the gunshots, while Shaggy kicked the gun away from the gunman, who was curled into the fetal position puking his guts out.

Shaggy snapped his fingers once and Scooby climbed off the small man he'd pinned to the floor by laying on him.

Kenny quickly cuffed the small man and kicked his gun toward the other one.

By the time any of the gang had looked toward the back of the room Shaggy and Scooby were both sitting quietly, while Kenny had handcuffed the other crook.

"So, what happened?" asked the officer.

"Sorry, I didn't see a thing, officer."

Kenny sighed but nodded, as much as he didn't like taking credit for someone else's actions, he knew it'd be easier for all of them if he did so.

"I don't suppose your Seeing Eye dog could tell me what he saw me do so I could report it?" Kenny asked sarcastically, but a bit amused.

"No habro engrais," Scooby growled out.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Kenny said after a moment's thought.

"From what I'd heard I guess you body checked the small guy, disarming him and got in close to the second guy before he could draw his weapon. Rather than shoot an unarmed man, you hit him in the throat to give him something to think about, while you smacked his wrist to disarm him and then kneed him in the crotch for the lecherous look he gave … I mean to put him down," Shaggy reported.

"Adrenaline is a wonderful thing." Kenny nodded. "I barely remember that myself, but I guess that's what happened."

"Thanks, man," Shaggy said quietly.

"Thank you," Kenny replied pointedly.

The two detectives came out of the back room, one heading straight for the phone, while the other took in Officer Kenny and his two collars with a nod of respect.

Shaggy meanwhile had somehow managed to make the entire cookie selection across the room vanish and was splitting them with Scooby to calm his nerves until he could take some Scooby snacks.

*** * ***

**OMAKE**

**He wasn't trying to cause any trouble.**

"I just want a ham sandwich," the scruffy bearded hippy said, placing an order at the diner.

"Two," the dark furred great Dane at his side growled out, in a cheerful manner.

**But they had to push him. **

Shaggy and Scooby hung from the chains in the police station cell as they hosed them down.

"You want a sandwich?! Well long haired hippy freaks don't get food in this town!" the sheriff growled out.

**They pushed him too far!**

Explosions lit up the night as the gas station and the used car lot went up like roman candles. Strangely enough the small diner in between remained untouched.

A heavily muscled man stepped out of the military jeep, his chest covered in medals. "I hear you're chasing one of my men."

"One of yours?" the sheriff asked.

"Yeah, one of mine," John Rambo replied.

"That skinny bearded hippy?" the sheriff asked incredulously before snorting. "Well it's too damn late to save him. That skinny punk is going down."

Rambo chuckled. "I'm not here to save him from you. I'm here to save you from him."

"Well general," the sheriff sneered. "I don't think we'll need your help taking care of one man and a dog."

John froze. "And his dog?"

"Yeah, and his dog," the sheriff repeated.

The general shrugged. "Well, you're fucked. I'm going for a burger."

"What?! Why?!"

"Because Shaggy alone might be stopped, but god help you if he's got his dog with him. He's the greatest canine commander that ever lived."

John Rambo went to the diner and ordered the soup, ignoring the explosions around him.

"How is this Omake supposed to end?" the waitress whispered.

"No idea." Rambo shrugged. "The author never finishes anything."


	30. Chapter 30

**Screw You Toadstool**

**Disclaimer: I own no published intellectual properties mentioned in this fic.**

Xander stumbled out of the portal and looked around a bit shocked, he was in the old mansion Angelus had used to open Acathela and there were Buffy and Angel doing a replay of the scene that had led to one of the worst summers ever.

"What are you doing?" Xander asked.

"I have to kill him to close the portal." Buffy cried, not really paying attention as she was wrapped up in the enormity of the situation.

Angel the bastard showed he was a decent man … at least sometimes by saying, "Do it."

"Do nothing!" Xander yelled before holding up his axe and calling out, "Guardian of the Gate am I, master of my fate I cry, those that choose evil, good to spurn shall meet my emerald flames and they shall burn!"

As his voice raised to a near scream, so too did the green flames that surrounded the double bladed battle axe he carried as he brought it around and through the statue – shattering it and closing the portal.

"Thank god!" Buffy cried out, thankful beyond belief that she didn't have to send Angel to hell.

Xander snorted. "Yeah, home sweet hellmouth – where I save the day but never get the thanks. Bob, remind me why I came back here again..."

Xander burst into the mansion and stopped, stunned. "Buffy, why are there two of me?"

"That's a very good question, Bob have I travelled in Time?" The Xander with an axe asked aloud.

The axe was surrounded with a green corona while a flickering scene done in greenscale appeared on the wall behind him parodying Mario Brothers complete with music as a tiny super deformed Xander walked up to Toadstool and was informed, "I'm sorry Xander but your hellmouth is in another dimension."

The Xander holding the axe groaned, "All that and I'm still not home?" Sighing he relaxed and some of the tension went out of him. "And I can't believe you wasted energy on a display like that when you won't even let me use it to fly." He tilted his head to the side like he was listening to something, "Ok, that makes sense."

"What makes sense?" The native Xander had to ask.

"Illusions are low cost and flying costs even more power than putting up a force field. So other than Bob amusing himself we're basically limited to using the power for minor things and to enhance Bob's destructive capabilities."

"Who's Bob?" The native Xander asked.

"My soul bound Rune Axe enhanced with a very limited Green Lantern Ring." Axe Xander said proudly.

"I'm stunned speechless, except you know for saying this." Native Xander said.

"Yeah he is pretty impressive. When Buffy finishes setting Angel's soul free I'll show you how it works on Angelus." Axe Xander promised cheerfully.

"What?" Native Xander asked as Buffy and Angel began to pay attention to something other than themselves.

"Well since its only guilt that keeps Deadboy's soul in place and she's working on removing all the guilt so she herself doesn't feel bad for her part in all those deaths Angel's about to go bye bye again and this time I intend to dust him."

"You can't!" Buffy yelled worriedly.

"His soul goes, so does he." Axe Xander said flatly. "You may not care about people you don't know dying or those you're pissed at, or are worried about outshining you – but I do."

"How can you say that?!" Buffy cried.

"Because it was the only thing I could think of to say to get you to stop sucking face with the ungrateful dead over there." Axe Xander stated bluntly.

"Dammit Xander, can't you control your jealousy for five minutes and let me be happy?!"

"Jealousy?" Axe Xander said thoughtfully as the other Xander winced, recognizing the tone because he himself used it to sound as innocent as possible right before ripping someone a new one.

"Let me say three little words to you, I probably should have told you a while back to explain exactly how I feel." Axe Xander said pleasantly, making Buffy blush in protest.

Axe Xander grinned and it wasn't a nice grin. "Three words for you Buff, Cold. Dead. Seed."

"What?" Buffy asked, her brain not making a connection for a second and then paling as she did.

"Buff," Axe Xander said calmly but with an edge to his voice, "I mean it sincerely when I say, I wouldn't fuck you with a stolen dick, and the thought of being intimate with you makes me physically nauseous. You fucked a demonically animated corpse, and I'd bet anything that you didn't make it wear a condom. I got no idea what kinda sickness you can get from fucking a corpse older than our country. Hell, you may have smallpox for all I know – or the black plague, I lost any interest in having a relationship with you after that little dance you did to make Angel jealous. Sure I probably still would have gotten groiny with you if asked at that point – but a relationship, nah! I had to force Angel to get off his ass and lead me down there where I pulled you out of the water and gave you CPR and you treat me that way?! No, any lingering crush died a cold hard death at that point. I still flirt because it's fun, but you can rest assured I have no intention of taking it any farther. Strangely enough, I still consider you a friend and a good person it's just that your brains leak out your ass when the corpse right there is involved. Like the fact that you're doing your damnedest to break the curse again by making him happy – no matter what it costs anybody else."

"I wasn't … But we're dressed!" Buffy sputtered.

"The curse says 'a moment of perfect happiness' Buff. His may have been a little statutory rape and taking your virginity, but now that that's gone, it could be you saying you love him. Or forgiving him for everything Angelus did." The native Xander pointed out.

"Of course the fact that his moment of perfect happiness required sex instead of you saying you loved him was pretty damn shallow if you ask me … But I'm willing to bet now that it'll be something easier to trigger. Then again it could be a blow job or anal sex. At any rate, until we find out what it is, you two can't have any contact at all – unless you want Angelus loose again and me to kill Angelus." Axe Xander said.

"Why are there two of you?" Buffy asked, trying to avoid thinking about things.

Angel was still too traumatized to question things, but he took a deep breath and said, "They both smell like Xander."

Axe Xander nodded, "We are both Xander, but one of us is from further down the timeline and a parallel one to boot."

"So …" Buffy asked.

"Sliders not Back to the Future." Axe Xander explained.

"Ahhhh..." Buffy nodded, pretending she understood.

"We need to get Giles to the hospital and Buffy home." Native Xander said.

Axe Xander nodded and moved between Buffy and Angel. "No backwards glances or heartfelt sighs, you two together are like nitro and we don't know how to safe you. So Buffy, no noises or looks just go to Giles. Angel, stay here and be miserable so I don't have to kill you."

Axe Xander had to cover Buffy's mouth twice, but they made it to the van without an incident.

Giles looked blurrily at the two Xanders. "Oh god, the world's become hell there's two of him!"

"We need a better British pseudo father figure." Axe Xander said.

"I'm thinking Mr. Bean or Dr Who." Native Xander agreed.

Giles giggled.

Buffy's eyes widened. "What's wrong with him?"

The Xander's sighed as they took the front seat of the van with the Native Xander driving.

Axe Xander started speaking since he wasn't driving. "Relief from pain can cause enough endorphins to pop that its like being drugged, and he was tortured for hours by experts. He'll probably be pretty loopy for a while."

"Oh." Buffy said quietly.

Reporting Giles as a mugging victim and checking him into the hospital went like clockwork, with the hospital staff already having the forms filled out in advance – both sides ignored the knowledge of what was really going on as long as it got the Scoobs faster care.

With Giles resting comfortably, the three went to check on Willow, Oz and Cordy.

Cordelia smiled when she saw Xander, relieved that he was ok – when she saw the second Xander and began to get a naughty grin. "I don't know why there are two Xanders, and I don't care – but I have to take them both home right now and make sure they are ok."

Willow was speechless and Oz simply raised an eyebrow.

"I'll give you a quick synopsis." Axe Xander promised. "Alternate timeline willow cast a spell that she didn't bother to read properly and I was tossed into the DC universe. Dr Fate and Etrigan tried to send me home, but something interfered and I ended up in hell – a portal opened in front of me and I took it. So I ended up here, months into my own past or rather a parallel version of it. So no real time travel involved. Angel got his soul back, but too late as the portal was already open and Buffy was about to sacrifice him to close it. I stopped her and destroyed the statue with my trusty axe Bob. Angel and Buffy can't be around each other or communicate in any way …"

Willow interrupted. "Xander, stop with the jealousy already."

Buffy shook her head, "It's not jealousy, he sees Angel as nothing more than a corpse and as new Xander explained very clearly they have no real interest in me and I believe them."

Everyone who hadn't been at the mansion for Axe Xander's rant/speech just nodded figuring Buffy would know if he meant it.

"He lost interest in dating me after the sexy dance, and after I slept with Angel … I think disgusted is too mild a word – be basically considers me a necrophiliac." Buffy admitted, hiding how much it upset her.

"He's not a corpse, he's a vampire! Hello!" Cordy said bluntly.

"Yes, a vampire is a corpse. The corpse is prevented from rotting, but is no less a corpse – and after three days, or overnight on a Hellmouth, a demon possesses the corpse and makes it move like it's alive again – but it's not. It doesn't need to breath, its heart doesn't beat, and it generates no heat because it's still a corpse, just an extremely well preserved one." Native Xander said firmly.

"But Angel has a soul!" Willow protested.

"Yes, and that just makes it worse." Axe Xander said, "You take the soul of a dead man and rip it from its final reward to make it share head space with the demon that is wearing its corpse. Inflicting on it all the memories of the demon as if they were its own and making the soul feel its hungers and urges. I can't think of a much crueler thing to do to someone, but then that why it's a curse."

"So Buffy and Angel can't be together because the curse is evil?" Cordy asked.

The Xanders sighed, and Axe Xander began speaking once more. "No they can't be around each other because all it takes is a moment of happiness to free Angelus. As a matter of fact anyone who would provide a kind word can't be around Angel because they could mention something about Buffy being glad he was back and not blaming him. Or Buffy being depressed over not seeing him, and boom! We have Angelus again."

"That's not fair!" Willow burst out.

"Yeah, imagine a curse designed to torment a demon not being fair – who would have thunk it? A curse that rips a soul out of the afterlife and makes it experience all the joy the demon felt while raping and murdering his family as well as a good portion of Europe for over a century as if it were his own thoughts and feelings is not fair. It's not meant to be fair, it is a fucking curse!"

"I …" Willow fell silent.


	31. Chapter 31

**Anchors Away – A Lacking an Anchor Spinoff**

**AN: Take 2- Now with 50% less demonic hatred!**

Xander stepped out of the portal only to find he was looking at a very familiar scene.

Buffy had raised the sword to drive it through Angel into the statue only to freeze as a beat up looking Xander carrying a shiny red axe stepped out of the roaring portal.

Buffy and Xander called each other's names only to stop and yell out "What?!"

"I can't hear anything over the howling portal." Xander shouted, "Let me close it then we'll talk."

Holding up the gleaming double handed battle axe Xander chanted "Guardian of the gate am I, master of my fate I cry and those who choose evil good to spurn shall meet my emerald flames and they shall burn!"

To Buffy and the still somewhat traumatized Angel's amazement Xander's axe burst into green flames and with a single swing he reduced the statue to rubble, however despite the statue's destruction the portal remained.

Xander sighed and stepped closer to the two, "It's still loud as hell, pardon the pun. But at least it's no longer growing.

Something black and scaly stepped through the man sized portal but Xander casually beheaded it as it was trying to adjust to the new dimension.

"That's not to say it's not still a pain in the ass, but it's not likely to swallow the world and cause everyone from the oldest man in the retirement home to the latest egg fertilized and beginning to split in its mother's womb to suffer in pain and torment for all eternity." Xander said loudly and cheerfully as the two paled, realizing what had been at stake.

"It has to be closed," Buffy said aloud her brief hope that she wouldn't have to kill Angel dashed.

Angel nodded "It has to be done."

"Yeah, and I know how to do it." Xander said "So there's no need to traumatize Buffy by making her do it or see it."

"What, but I-" Buffy tried to complain that it was her job, only to have Angel interrupt her.

"Need to look after Giles. You don't need to see this, and I don't want you to see this."

Buffy gave Angel a tearful hug while Xander disemboweled something with green skin and blue freckles before fleeing the scene.

"Ok, Xander – do it." Angel commanded, throwing his head back and bracing himself.

Xander grinned and punched Angel in the nose, knocking him to the ground.

Angel staggered back to his feet, holding his bleeding nose. "What did you do that for?"

Xander ripped off a section of his shredded shirt and tossed it to Angel "It's a small portal and the demon is dead. Just soak that in blood for me drama queen."

"Then why did you send Buffy off?!" Angel demanded loudly before paling "You're going to kill me aren't you? You needed Buffy gone so you could do it privately without having her interfere."

Xander rolled his eyes "Then I could have done the whole sacrifice to close the portal setup and no one would have been the wiser. Guess again and hand me the damn rag!" he shouted.

Angel handed Xander the bloody rag. "You wanted to punch me in the nose in private?"

Xander grinned. "That too." Xander tossed the rag into the portal, shrinking it to the size of a dime and drastically lowering the noise coming from it.

Angel and Xander stared at the tiny glowing portal.

"Sorry Angel, apparently that wasn't enough blood – I guess we will have to sacrifice you." Xander said mockingly.

Angel blew his bloody nose into a handkerchief then threw it into the portal making it vanish completely.

"Now we go to the hospital." Xander said.

* * *

"And why do I have to have a rock in my shoe?" Angel asked, limping into the hospital room.

"For the last time, because it makes you unhappy. Perfect happiness means your soul goes bye bye and I dust you. Fortunately you're shallow enough that sex has to be involved. But just in case the rock in your shoe will keep you from perfect happiness – and the fact that you are unhappy makes me happy which is a small consolation for not being able to dust you." Xander explained.

"Sorry, but this is the most annoying rock in existence. I've walked over broken glass and not had it be this annoying. How can one small rock be so damn irritating?" Angel complained.

"I picked it up while I was in Hell." Xander explained to the assembled Scooby's amazement.

Everyone fell silent before looking between the two Xanders suspiciously.

"I'll bite." Oz spoke up when it became obvious no one else was going to say anything. "Why are there two Xanders?"

"Because a very arrogant witch decided to fix her error of accidentally casting me out of reality by screwing up my transport home and landing me in hell for a weekend." Xander said cheerfully, but everyone noticed the tension in his shoulders and how tightly he gripped his axe. "Fortunately I found a portal leading out."

"Does this witch have a name?" The native Xander asked.

"Sure, not that it matters – the bitch is dead to me. I mean, accidentally throwing me out of reality because she wanted to test out a new spell and refused to listen to anyone with any experience because she is so much smarter than them... I'm stupid enough to forgive her for that, as I did her other betrayals. But to ignore the warnings of a demon lord and a lord of order because she was sure she knew better; no the bitch is dead to me and I was fortunate enough to have a telepath build me some excellent shields so I won't be influenced into forgiving her." Xander ranted.

"Wow, I'm bitter." The native Xander said.

The new Xander laughed, "Since I'm here and I wasn't in my past that would make this an alternate time line so you won't become me."

"Wow, when did you become smart?" Cordelia asked.

"Of course bitter is pretty much a given, considering how pretty much everyone around you is going to betray you in one way or another. I'll explain more once I've had some sleep and am in better condition." Xander sighed.

"Everyone?" Native Xander asked with wide eyes.

"Well, everyone here – not everyone in the world." Xander admitted. "And there has to be a certain level of trust or they can't betray you, so Angel never betrayed us."

"Thanks … I think." Angel said dryly.

"How can you not trust Angel?" Willow burst out.

Xander snorted "Trust a demon possessed corpse with a taste for pedophilia? No thanks."

"Hey!" Angel complained. "Buffy isn't a child."

"You got a crush on her when she was 14 and you died when you were 26... Not counting the centuries you've been walking the Earth as a corpse. There is a twelve year age gap, and anything past 3 years begins to get a little iffy. So I suppose I have to admit you did wait until she was over 16 for sex so pedophilia doesn't apply."

"So two and a half years is ok?" A female voice asked from behind him.

Xander turned and saw Joyce and a dark haired girl who'd asked the question. "As long as nothing too intimate happens before the girl is 16." He agreed.

"Where's Buffy?" Joyce asked anxiously.

The native Xander stepped forward "She ran off after seeing that Giles would be alright."

"Xander?" The two asked, shocked at seeing two Xanders.

"An arrogant red haired b-witch used me as an unwitting guinea pig and then when I almost got back home she screwed with things again and I was sent to hell. Angelus opened a portal to doom everyone, I stepped out and with Angel's help I closed the portal. If I remember my own time line correctly Buffy thinks Angel is dead, Joyce said something awful and Buffy ran off to LA."

"I have to find her." Joyce and Angel chorused.

"What is he doing here?!" Joyce demanded, noticing Angel.

Willow quickly explained the whole soul problem and how she'd cast the spell to return Angel's soul at high speeds.

Joyce turned to Xander and he explained "Not content with encouraging your daughter in her necrophilia this witch here decided to dabble in necromancy by casting one of the darkest curses ever conceived. The curse rips a soul out of its just reward and makes it haunt the demon possessed corpse that used to be its body while inflicting all the memories of the demon on it like it was its own. I have no doubt that its earned her a place in hell. Buffy will be back in a couple of months, she has a bunch of people to save in LA."

Native Xander spoke up. "Future Xander is more than a little cranky about being sent to Hell by his Willow screwing with the spell he was using to return home."

Xander nodded, "I'm doing my best not to bite people's heads off for things their alternate selves have done. But cranky is a good way to put it."

"If you're from the future, then what are the winning lottery numbers?" Cordelia asked.

"Come on, who memorizes lottery numbers in the off chance they'll come back in time?" Native Xander asked.

Cordelia raised an eyebrow and rattled off three sets of lottery numbers. "That's last year's lottery numbers on my birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas."

Future Xander snickered "She did the same thing when we had an alternate reality created by a wish pop."

"So you remember at least one set of numbers?" Cordelia demanded.

"About three months from now, yeah." Xander admitted. "But we're not on speaking terms and that goes for Willow and Oz as well."

The dark haired girl behind him poked him "So you said two years was fine, right?"

Xander grinned, seeing another way to tweak the Scoobs and borrowed a pen and paper from Joyce. Quickly writing down a set of numbers and a date. "Mystery girl you have a choice. Date me, or win 3.8 million dollars in a couple of months."

"Yes!" The girl did a little jig and snatched the paper from his hands, making him grin until she stunned him by tearing it up, shredding it, chewing it up and spitting it into a waste basket before practically tackling him in a hug.

Angel blinked "Dawn, you just gave up being a millionaire to date Xander."

"Yep!" She smiled widely at the Xander she was holding then frowned "Mystery girl?"

"Yep, alternate time line Xander here, I've never met you."

"Well, that sucks." Dawn said sadly.

Xander patted her back, "It means you have a whole other chance to impress me, and so far you're doing an excellent job."

"Perv." Cordelia said, hitting native Xander in the shoulder.

"What did I do?!" Native Xander complained, rubbing his shoulder.

"You just said Dawn was impressing you." Cordelia complained, making a shapely woman figure in the air with her hands.

Xander rolled his eyes "As you can see, Cordelia is a bit of a pervert. Dawn just gave up millions of dollars without a second's hesitation to be my girlfriend. I find that kind of devotion to be impressive. The whole shapely woman bit can wait for when she's older."

"So Buffy will be ok?" Joyce asked, wanting reassurance that her daughter will be fine as the night's associated strangeness sank in.

"She'll be fine." Xander assured her. "She just goes to LA; gets a job as a waitress, mopes a bit, invades a hell dimension, comes back – the welcome home party gets invaded by zombies, your friend from the book club gets eaten..." Xander trailed off for a moment. "Ok, fine is overstating it. But fine by Scooby standards."

Everyone was silent for a minute.

"Since she's already on the path to it, wouldn't it be best for me to go meet her there to ensure her safety?" Angel asked.

"Sure, point out the obvious I guess as long as you don't get romantic. But I expect you to keep that rock in your shoe." Xander said, "And keep them on in her presence."

"I'll do that." Angel promised before vanishing out the door.

"I still don't like him." Joyce and Native Xander chorused.

Xander shrugged "I like that he helps keep Buffy alive. The fact that she has feelings for him makes me think she needs counseling, as far as I'm concerned corpses shouldn't give you any warm fuzzies unless there is something wrong with you or someone is mojo-ing your head."

"You think someone made her fall for a vampire?" Joyce asked hopefully.

"It's possible." Xander admitted, "I mean falling for a corpse that's older than America isn't exactly natural especially when her Slayer instincts should be telling her to kill the unnatural thing."

"Geeze, jealous much?" Cordy said rolling her eyes and recalling how she'd been attracted to the broody vamp herself and annoyed at Xander for the way the new Xander was treating her.

Native Xander frowned, not liking Cordy's insinuation to his other self, but the dimensionally misplaced Xander just grinned.

"You're saying I'm jealous because you believe I want a relationship with Buffy, right?" Xander's grin had an edge.

"Well, duh."

"Ok, let's test that theory. Xander I'll need your help."

Native Xander looked at him suspiciously. "I'm not sure I feel comfortable doing this in front of Joyce and Dawn."

"Aha!" Cordelia crowed, wheeling on the native Xander "You are still attracted to her!"

"That's not the reason." Native Xander said flatly, looking more than a little uncomfortable.

Xander looked down at Dawn, "Why would he not want to do this in front of you?"

Dawn shrugged "Let's see, I've had a crush on Xander since I first laid eyes on him – and Buffy is my older sister."

"Good taste in men is a plus, as is not bleaching your hair. How do you feel about vampires?"

"It's a shame ants are only active during the day, because staking one down for them would be loads of fun. And if the flies would just do their jobs and lay eggs in them the maggots would eat them and the world would be a better place." Dawn said thoughtfully.

Xander picked her up and swung her around joyfully, "Ok, I am definitely liking you more and more."

Joyce looked over at the native Xander, "Why don't you want us to see your reaction?"

"It's not a good one." Native Xander said flatly.

"Drool is rarely attractive." Willow giggled.

Xander grinned evilly "I don't think that will be a problem."

"What's the problem?" Oz asked curiously.

"Nausea mostly." Native Xander admitted. "I can hide it when she hugs me, as it's not like we're in skin to skin contact but the thought of being ... intimate with someone who was willingly intimate with a corpse … That's just …" he trailed off looking green.

"Enough! Angel is not a corpse he is a vampire. But he is also a good person! Sure, he's a bit cold and has a restricted diet – but he moves, breathes, heals and lives. Corpses don't do that." Willow burst out.

Native Xander backed down but still looked a bit nervous.

Xander sighed. "Some people cling to their delusions harder than others, and I can see from how the local me is reacting that I'm going to have to have someone fix the mind mojo-ing he's been through."

"Huh?" Native Xander said, suddenly paying very close attention.

"The vampiric version of Willow stopped by the Harris residence. Since none of the people who live there actually consider it a home the normal threshold protections are weak enough that vampires who don't intend harm can enter. Both Dru and Vamp Willow have altered Xander's mind. They both meant well, strangely enough – Dru ensured the multitude of hyena remnants and soldier memories wouldn't drive us insane while emphasizing the traits she thought would help us survive. Willow's vamp self touched up her work a bit and added compulsions to obey and be attracted to Willow. They also made it so we consider them people. We have vamps with hypnotic powers running around, did you expect everything they did to be obvious?"

"Back to the corpse thing." Joyce suggested.

Xander nodded "Vampires kill people and get them to drink their blood while dying. The person dies, leaving a corpse behind that the blood demon then inhabits. At no point in this does the body come back to life. It's simply a well preserved corpse being worn by a demon. Vampires don't get sick because they are dead, but they can still be carriers for god knows what. Anyone want to dispute any of what I said?"

The looks of horror as people followed his reasoning warmed Xander's heart.

"Now, Angelus is a master vampire and while he is physically unable to do anything – I'm not so sure he can't use a little of the mental mojo to mess with people. Hell, he could have known about how to break the curse, and this is simply the first time Angel got close enough to someone for long enough for him to do it. All it takes is a lot of little subtle nudges to make everyone think of him more as a human with a demon inside than a demon possessed corpse haunted by the man he once was."

"That … makes sense." Oz said suddenly.

"Then why weren't you affected?" Willow asked.

"Because I hate vamps with an overwhelming passion that completely eclipses reason, and my soldier memories and hyena instincts reinforce that." Xander replied.

Native Xander nodded, "That makes a lot of sense now that I think about it... and why is your left hand glowing pink?"

Xander held up his left hand revealing a glowing pink Lantern ring. "It's a light red Lantern ring. I picked it up on the world I was on before ending up in Hell. Not quite sure how to work it. The Green Lantern ring is easy to use, if limited since it's a ring generated limited copy. But all I know about the light red one is that I can heal people I love with it."

"Hominah hominah." Native Xander mumbled, overcome with comic book geek joy.

"You're looking better than you did when you came in." Oz said.

"I thought I was feeling better because of …" His eyes widened as something occurred to him. "You love me!" he accused Dawn who blushed but still wasn't letting go.

"So it heals those you love, and being in contact with those who love you heals you." Native Xander guessed.

"So you're a Pink Lantern?" Willow asked.

"Light Red." Both Xander's spoke up, prompting a round of laughter from the women.

Dawn touched the Light Red Ring and the glow went nuclear for a moment, blinding everyone before vanishing – leaving a very healthy looking Xander who suddenly swept Dawn up in a kiss.

"My arm feels better." Native Xander said, rotating his left wrist.

"My headache's gone." Joyce announced.

"Mine too." Willow added.

"I'm guessing a strong enough love will affect everyone in the area." Cordy said dryly.

"Ahem!" Willow said loudly, trying to get Dawn and Xander to come up for air.

"My baby's first kiss." Joyce said with a sigh and a smile.

"Its going to be your baby's first kid if they don't break it up." Cordy said snidely, jealous that Xander was kissing another girl in front of her, regardless of whose Xander it was.

Joyce took in the way Dawn's hands were working their way under Xander's shirt and decided she was right. After futilely clearing her own throat a few times she touched the "Light Red" Ring as well, causing the ring to glow like a 90 watt light bulb – which caused the two to turn and hug her, saying she was the best mom ever.

"I'm guessing there's some magical feedback." Native Xander guessed, feeling quite good himself.

"Really?" Oz deadpanned.

**AN2: This is just some stuff I tossed out to get rid of a block or two. None of it was good enough to put in a fic, but it is mildly amusing.**


	32. Chapter 32

**XYZ**

**AN: After all they've been through all of the Scoobs should have a little something prepared in case they get tossed back in time. This was just off the top of my head and I have no actual plot prepared.**

"Thank god that's..." Giles began when a man wearing an eye patch over his left eye and carrying a battle axe appeared in a flash of light.

"Thanks for jinxing us Giles," Cordelia growled.

"This doesn't look like home," the man said.

"A slayer's work is never done," Buffy said, climbing to her feet and preparing for another battle.

The man looked around the room. "I know Willow said it was a long shot I'd reach home, but I didn't think she was talking about time, just space."

Angel sniffed the air. "It's either Xander or a close relative."

"Deadboy?" Xander said with a grin. "Holy shit it's good to see you!"

Everyone tensed and readied weapons, positive this was an impostor.

"Do you know how many jokes I've made up about you, since you died again, that I haven't been able to use?"

"It's him," Angel muttered as everyone relaxed.

"Pardon me, but are you claimed to be from the future?" Wesley asked.

"Joy, it's the wuss version of Wesley, when he was still the Council's bitch," Xander sighed, causing Giles to laugh and try to cover it with a fake cough.

"Wuss version?" Faith asked curiously.

"Yeah, after he got fired, or quit I was never sure which one, he became in his own words," Xander grinned. "A rogue demon hunter."

"There are rogue demons?" Faith asked.

Xander laughed. "Yeah, that's what everyone asked him, but still he was kinda cool. Rode a harley, had the three day stubble thing going on... a folding sword that popped into his hand from a spring loaded contraption on his arm, always showing up in the nick of time..."

"Oh come on," Faith snorted. "Like any of that is believable?"

Xander's right arm shot out and he was suddenly holding a sword. "He got me one of the folding swords because I had a blind date. Of course, reloading it is a bitch," Xander said as he rolled up his sleeve and revealed some sort of spring powered arm sheath that he started messing with.

"You need a sword for a blind date?" Wesley asked.

"Every girl I've ever gotten involved with has been dangerous and has either tried to use me for a human sacrifice or destroy the world," Xander explained as he finally got the sword folded up and put away.

"Not every one, surely?" Giles asked.

"Every single one of them," Xander said with a sigh. "Just like Dawn gets kidnapped every Tuesday and we have to kill everyone Buffy dates and claims is the love of her life."

"What?" Buffy screeched.

"I turn evil?" Cordelia asked.

"You are evil," Xander snorted. "But you're leaning toward actually making your life worth something when we find out that everything bad in your life is part of a greater plot to make sure you were a virgin when you have sex with Deadboy's son to give birth to a being of love and peace who will eventually devour all of humanity."

"She's a virgin?" Faith and Willow chorused in disbelief.

"Yeah, when she gets too close to someone the being who wants to eat humanity arranges for something to happen. The closest she gets is being magically impregnated by a rich sleaze bag, in a move that was all but hooking it. Of course Angel shows up to save the day because they wanted to keep her close to him. So she'd be on hand to bump uglies with Deadboy junior whose diapers she changed when he was a baby."

"How do I get a son?" Angel demanded.

"Normally I'd make a sex-ed joke at the moment, but this is important enough that I won't tease you. Evil law firm Wolfram and Hart, resurrect Darla as a human and you "rescue" her from them, knowing what it's like to struggle with having a soul. Turns out you're being dosed with… dragon's blood I think it was, and Darla is dying because bringing her back also brought back the syphilis that was killing her before she was turned. She seduces you to try and free Angelus so she can get turned because she doesn't want to die; but all that happens is Angel knocks her up, thanks to the dragon's blood. Drue shows up and turns her just as she was resigning herself to death. So, boom we have a pregnant vampire being influenced by her unborn baby's soul. Apparently there was some dramatic moment when Darla says something about vampires not being able to make life and she stakes herself to give birth."

"That's insane," Wes said in the stunned silence.

"No, what's insane is how he ends up kidnapped by a time displaced enemy of Angelus' with Wes' help, because someone slipped him a false prophecy. Connor ends up raised in a hell dimension where time travels faster so he returns in a couple of months as a moody teenager."

"So everyone you got involved with?" Faith asked concerned about her future.

"I don't!" Willow protested.

"Lover gets shot dead while you were recovering from an addiction to darker magics," Xander explained. "You go all dark side and skin him alive, then to try and end the suffering of the world you try and raise a temple on the bluff; you'd already taken out everyone else so I had to stop you."

"You killed me?" Willow asked, wide eyed.

"Does that sound like something I'd do? No, I told you I loved you and kept getting up when you tried to blast me away with dark magic. Eventually you broke down crying and we sent you to magical detox in England."

"Oz got shot?" Buffy asked.

"They hadn't been seeing each other for over a year I think. There was a thing with a female werewolf and Oz decided he wasn't safe to be around until he could control the wolf... and by the time he got back, Willow was seeing someone else. I'm leaving out a lot of details, like a secret army base and I never did learn who the monks in Tibet were, but I really don't feel like dredging my memory for details right now."

"Do I have to ask?" Faith asked.

"Oh yeah, you and Buffy were out hunting and during the melee, Buffy was throwing you vamps to stake. The deputy mayor jumps in and Buffy throws him to you and you stake him before Buffy can say anything. Somehow it all becomes your fault, which I never understood, and you try and strangle me when I was trying to help you, because you think all any guy wants is to get in your pants. Wes in the stupidest move of the century, well except for Buffy releasing that fear demon because she couldn't wait five seconds for someone to finish reading a goddamn sentence! Where was I? Oh yeah, Wes called the Council like a dumbass and they sent a team to kidnap Faith to take back to England so she could stand trial for murder. Faith is understandably upset, and still suffering PTSD from all the shit she's been through, joins the Mayor. We don't get her back on our side until a year or so later when she wakes from the coma."

Faith's eyes were so wide it was a surprise they didn't fall out.

"Wes, you are her Watcher and you're falling down on the job because Travers made sure you didn't have the training. Travers wants Faith to die because having Slayers not trained by the Council doing so well with just a little support makes the Traditional party look like they all have their heads up their collective ass; which they do. Faith needs a couple of months R&R in a safe relaxing environment talking to someone who knows what's what and a lot of alcohol. I believe the Watchers have a facility in Hawaii for that. In the mean time, remember you are responsible for her care; including housing and food."

Willow's eyes darted from Xander to Faith. "You slept with her?"

"Let's be frank," Xander said, rolling his eye. "You are currently fucking Oz, so you get zero input in my sex life you red haired hypocrite you."

Willow paled dramatically.

"I forgot how annoying and frustrating it was dealing with any of the Scoobs in high school," Xander muttered. "Giles I feel for you, I really do."

"Like you're so easy to get along with?" Cordelia snorted.

Xander laughed. "If you really think I'm going to go easy on myself when I see me, then you never really knew me at all."

"Won't you telling us all this cause a paradox?" Wes asked.

Xander shook his head. "If it was that easy to destroy the universe we wouldn't be here."

"So what're your plans?" Giles asked.

Xander shrugged. "My horoscope never mentioned this, and I figured I had only a one in three chance of surviving the closing of the Hellmouth, so I didn't make any plans. Just off the top of my head, I'm going to go see Joyce and borrow a shower and a bed if she doesn't mind. I suppose I should say a few words to my local self first... What time is it?"

"Its 12:15 and I don't want you waking up my mom," Buffy ordered.

"When has what any of us wanted ever mattered?" Xander asked. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch Xander before he leaves."

"Leaves? I told him to stay home!" Buffy exclaimed.

"I don't know why you ever thought you had the right to order anyone around," Xander said. "But Xander was in the basement convincing the zombie Jack O'Toole to disarm the bomb he had set to blow up the school."

"Bomb?" exclaimed half a dozen voices.

"But Oz is in there!" Willow worried.

"I think he ate the zombie..." Xander trailed off. "Well, later!"

Xander actually felt rather happy to be back in time, not that he'd tell the Scoobs that. They'd respond better to an annoyed older self than they would to an older friend he figured.

"Yo, Alex!" Xander called out, causing Alex to freeze in place.

"I took a few too many hits to the head?" Alex guessed.

"Nope, time travel," Xander replied.

"And calling me Alex?"

"I get the name Xander because I have seniority; plus I'll pay you."

"Fair enough. Here to tell me about a bunch of stupid things I did?" Alex guessed.

"Maybe later, at the moment I need a ride over to Buffy's and tomorrow I'll give you the winning lotto numbers, so you can afford college, a decent road trip and training."

"I love me." Alex grinned.

"Don't be too happy, you've got to keep it under your hat and I'm going to be stomping on your ego later; with cleats."

Alex started the car while Xander hopped in. "That bad?"

"Let's just say you're really going to hate yourself, or rather me, when we're finished, but you'll finally be proud of you."

"I've read enough comics to be able to follow that," Alex said agreeably as he drove.

"Good, we'll have to withdraw you from school, or something near enough that it won't matter, for a couple of months but being rich and connected has its perks."

Alex pulled up in front of Buffy's house. "Seeya tomorrow after school?"

"I'll drop in on Giles during the last period," Xander agreed. "But for now I want to see Joyce again."

"Seeya tomorrow," Alex called as he drove off.

Xander knocked on the door, smiling widely when he saw Joyce. "I can't tell you how good it is to see you again!"

**0oOo0**

"You slept with my mother!" Buffy growled at Alex.

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember doing something like that," Alex replied confused when confronted by the three female Scoobs.

"Heh! Getting desperate Harris?" One of the football team sneered, "Going for old-erk!"

Alex found himself on the ground with both his hands around the larger boy's throat. "If you make one single improper or insulting remark about Mrs. Summers I may just skip saving you from "gang members" one night," he growled, still a little concerned about Xander's parting words when he'd thought them over.

"He didn't mean it!" one of the other jocks promised. "He's new here."

Alex got off the larger teen. "Sorry about that, check with the others about when you can bully or harass me and what topics never to mention."

"This is a weird school," the teen drawled as Alex helped him to his feet.

"You have no idea," one of the others said as they led the new guy off.

"You're in love with my mother!" Buffy said shocked.

"No, but something Xander said when I dropped him off bothers me; and why did you accuse me of sleeping with her?" Alex asked.

"I have good hearing and you and mom weren't quiet!" Buffy whined, "I'm mentally scarred here Xander."

"Alex," he corrected her. "It'll cut down on the confusion telling us apart."

Cordelia was clearly surprised by his announcement, but Willow paled as if she might faint. Not that Alex or Buffy noticed, being focused on the topic of sex with Joyce.

"You can't blame either of us for what the other did after he showed up last night. Because since we met, I'm not going to become him anymore."

"What?" Buffy asked, clearly confused.

"Everything until he came back in time was both our actions..." Xander tried to think of a way to explain causality that Buffy would understand. "Ok, think Siamese twins and last night we were separated. All of our actions are our own fault alone now."

"Oh! The timeline split!" Buffy said, surprising Alex. "You could have just said that in the first place. What did he say?"

"He said he missed her and was looking forward to seeing her again," Alex said solemnly.

"And?" Buffy asked.

"I think she died in his timeline. Now imagine going back in time and seeing someone you admired, cared for, and were attracted to, that had died but was now your own age."

"Relief... Happiness... Boots knockin'," Buffy said, clearly picturing herself in a similar position. "Ok, I get that now. Do I have to worry about my mom dying?"

"You know me," Alex said. "What would I do to anyone or thing I knew was a threat to someone I cared for?"

"What if it's not something that can be stopped?" Buffy worried.

"Then … I'd probably react the way I did last night, before putting some serious work into finding a way to stop it anyway. I'm not about to let a little thing like something being impossible to get between me and helping a friend."

"Yeah," Buffy said cheering up. "So what were you up to last night?"

"I knew you guys had an apocalypse and didn't invite me," Alex said. "But I found some things to do to keep from being bored."

"So... Nothing exciting?" Buffy asked.

"My hobbies would probably bore … Did Xander say something?" Alex asked suspiciously.

"He mentioned a bomb and Faith kind of admitted to having sex with you," Buffy replied.

"Then why ask me?"

"I wanted to see if you'd tell me the truth."

"So I can hear another lecture on how useless I am and that I'll just get you all killed?" Alex asked. "I think I'll pass thanks anyway, and if you actually go over what I said, you'll find that I didn't lie once."

"You'd never have said a word, would you?"

"It's over and done, why would I mention it?"

"How many times have you saved one of us and not said anything?" Buffy asked.

"A couple," Alex admitted.

"How can you consider us friends if you hide things like this from us?" Buffy demanded.

Alex's eyes narrowed. "The things you kept secret put our lives in danger; the things I kept secret no longer mattered."

"I was confused … and wrong …" Buffy admitted, "But important life saving things should be shared."

"So I can be insulted or belittled for having done them? I don't think so, and I sure don't want any more thanks for saving your life."

Buffy recoiled like she'd been slapped.

"I've always done what I think is right no matter what it cost me, but when I get burned for doing the right thing and someone finding out... I'd have to be an idiot to bring it up again."

"You were supposed to be safe."

"If you thought for even a moment that I would ever stop fighting... Then maybe you never knew me at all." Alex got up and left.

"That could have gone better." Buffy admitted.

**0oOo0**

"Of course the whole timeline has changed now, so you can't rely on things happening the exact same way," Xander pointed out to Giles, who had taken pages of copious notes.

"Not to mention I doubt we have a photographic memory," Alex said as he entered the library.

"You'd be surprised what we can do when we put our minds to it," Xander said. "Our fear of failure just keeps us from trying."

Alex winced. "Joy, psychobabble."

"Things are always more complicated than the phrases they toss out," Xander replied. "But the concepts aren't too far off."

"Says the man who is sleeping with our pseudo mother figure."

Xander chuckled. "No Oedipus complex here, it's the beautiful woman my own age I'm attracted to; with the age difference gone our feelings are completely different."

"Not all of them," Alex said grinning.

Xander laughed. "Ok, so we share having good taste in women. My tastes have just matured more than yours have."

"Fair enough."

"Pardon me, you're starting a relationship with Joyce?" Giles asked.

"As long term as I can make it and she allows," Xander confirmed.

"Are you sure you can save her?" Alex asked intently.

"Pretty sure, but not definite," Xander replied, not surprised his younger self would have guessed. "I'm early enough that I can think of a couple of different ways it can work."

"Good, anything I can help with?"

"Nah, got it covered, but we have to deal with some pretty dark characters to do it."

"Demons?"

"Worse," Xander said seriously. "Lawyers!"

**Typing by Dogodma, Typos by Dogbertcarroll.**


	33. Chapter 33

**Glaring Problems**

Naruto paused as he was about to go meet the rest of his team for their latest mission. He was really tired of being glared at by civilians, it seemed that no matter what he did they tried to make him feel unwanted and like he should leave.

Well fuck that, this was his home and no one was going to drive him out of it!

Making a quick handsign he created dozens of clones and sent them off. If these pricks thought they could get rid of Naruto Uzumaki they had another thing coming.

At every street corner Naruto paused and created more clones. By the time he reached the east gate there wasn't a corner of Konoha that didn't have a Naruto perched on a roof in plain sight, like a colorblind gargoyle carver had gone mad.

Sakura and Sasuke looked at the stone faced Naruto and then at the village covered with perching orange eyesores. They weren't sure what was going on, but neither was willing to risk finding out. Knowing Naruto it was either a legendary prank or something that would make your brain hurt to know, probably both.

Tazuna looked like he was going to say something, but a quick gesture from Sakura shut him up.

The team waited in silence while Naruto made batches of clones and sent them off for god knows what purpose.

Kakashi arrived a full hour ahead of schedule, meaning he was only half an hour late shivering. "Let's get out of here, this is creeping me out."

As the village vanished into the trees behind them, Naruto sighed and seemed to relax a bit, but continued to make clones every couple of minutes.

"So, Naruto..." Kakashi asked carefully. "Is something on your mind?"

"Just making a point Kakashi-Sensei," Naruto replied as his latest batch of clones turned into eye searing orange squirrels and scampered into the trees.

"And that would be?" he asked, as everyone listened closely for the answer.

"They can glare all they want, but nothing is driving me from my home!" Naruto growled.

"Well, maybe if you didn't..." Sakura began, only to be cut off sharply by Kakashi.

"Shut it Haruno, there is more going on than you know." The last thing he wanted was for Sakura to upset the already upset Naruto.

"I decided if they liked glaring so much, I'd give them a taste of their own medicine."

Kakashi nodded, glad it was something minor since shadow clones had a limited range. They would vanish shortly so he needn't worry about Naruto panicking the population.

Naruto sent another batch of squirrel clones off.

"If you keep that up, you're going to end up suffering from chakra exhaustion," Kakashi warned him.

Naruto snorted. "A glass of water and five minutes of rest and I'll be fine, you know that."

'I did?' Kakashi thought to himself, trying to ignore the horde of orange squirrels that were in the forest around them.

**0oOo0**

"I admit I'm feeling a bit creeped out," Kiba admitted to Shino, as they headed off to lunch under the watchful eyes of countless Narutos.

Shino took in the empty streets around them. "I don't think you're alone in that assessment."

Hinata walked silently behind the pair, smiling shyly at the many Naruto's and blushing heavily at the smiles she received in return.

**0oOo0**

"Considering he's been subjected to the glares of most of the population for no better reason than the fact that he exists," Sarutobi remarked dryly. "I find it hard to sympathize with any of you."

"But it's not just one glare, its countless ones from every direction!" a man exclaimed.

The Hokage simply raised an eyebrow.

"Oh," the man said, suddenly realizing that's exactly what Naruto had been dealing with, not just him alone glaring.

The old man grinned at the village council. "I afford him the same rights I afford all of you. I'm perfectly willing to make a law that Naruto Uzumaki is not allowed to glare at the civilian population; as long as you accept a law that states the civilian population cannot glare at Naruto Uzumaki."

**0oOo0**

The clone held out as long as he could before he gave in to the persistent puppy dog eyes sent his way by the Konohamaru Corps. "Fine! I'll play ninja with you."

**0oOo0**

**Earlier that day...**

Hanabi Hyuuga was a champion glarer. She could make nin up to chunin level uncomfortable on a good day, but now she apparently had a rival. Her eyes narrowed as she took in the Naruto perched on her roof.

**Present …**

Hiashi turned to the branch member who had been guarding her. "How long as this been going on?"

"Several hours Hiashi-sama. She climbed up onto the roof and started glaring right back at him."

"And the scoreboard?"

"Several more Uzumakis showed up and built it so they could keep track."

"And the audience?"

"The Uzumakis who have showed up seem torn between, 'Loyalty to the Orange' as they phrased it, and admiration for her skill. Hence the crowd on each side. In fact, she blew on a butterfly to keep it from landing on her nose, but that caused her to blink, costing her a point. However she gained a half dozen Uzumakis on her side for using the precise amount of force needed to deal with the distraction."

Hiashi nodded and decided he needed to go have some tea. "Carry on."

**0oOo0**

Team 7 crested a hill, only to find a pair of nin standing back to back in the center of the path, surrounded by an ungodly amount of orange squirrels who just stared at them unmoving.

"The Demon Brothers, chunin ranked missing nin from Mist," Kakashi announced. "Not much of a reward and Jounin are instructed not to go headhunting when with their genin teams, if at all possible."

A squirrel twice as big as the rest, with a lot of grey in its hair, and wearing an eyepatch, came out of the bushes and chittered with the surrounding squirrels, whereupon they cleared a path to allow the Demon Brothers to escape.

As the two nin ran off and the squirrels ran into the forest, Kakashi couldn't help but ask, "Ok I'll bite, why are you making so many clones and why squirrels?"

"The Old Man told me that if I got upset, releasing a lot of chakra would help calm me down and Iruka told me the more practice I get with my jutsu the better, so I'm following their advice."

"Carry on," Kakashi said, returning to his book and wondering why the Demon Brothers would be this close to Konoha.

**0oOo0**

"Umm, sir..." the Anbu officer ventured, carrying a three foot high stack of papers.

"What is it now?" the Hokage asked, eying the stack of paper warily.

"It's concerning genin Uzumaki and one of the statutes put into effect for nin, following the fall of the Uchiha clan."

"These are all charges against Naruto?"

"No sir, the statute concerns the reward for nin foiling civilian crimes. Genin Uzumaki is kinda omnipresent in Konoha at the moment and despite people's grumblings, he dislikes certain types of behavior."

"Are you saying Naruto has wiped out all the petty criminal activity in the village?"

"No sir, as he refuses to prosecute some types and doesn't know the law well enough to identify everything, but he's certainly taken out a large chunk of it."

"What type does he refuse to prosecute?"

"Anything to do with sex that doesn't have an assault charge involved. He says what people do in private is their own damn business and spying on them makes you a bigger pervert than they are."

The Hokage chuckled. "So how much of a reward has he earned?"

"Enough to buy a house and the day isn't over yet."

**0oOo0**

"Try not to tip the boat over, please," Kakashi requested as Naruto made half a dozen clones, not even needing to gesture anymore to create them.

The clones changed into ducks and paddled off.

Sakura exchanged glances with Sasuke and mouthed the word 'Ducks?' but didn't say anything.

"Gato's men have been known to patrol the area so try and keep your voices down," the boatman ordered.

"No one's around," Naruto said. "One of the ducks would have spotted them from above if they were."

"Naruto you moron, just because you can henge your clones into ducks doesn't mean they can fly. It's only a damn illusion," Sakura growled.

An orange duck swooped down from the sky and tried to land in the water, but ended up crashing and poofing away.

"Flying is easy, it's landing that's a bitch," Naruto replied to the shocked nin.

**AN: Typing by Dogodma, Typos by Dogbertcarroll.**

**AN2: No plot just an odd thought about what Naruto would have realistically done given the situation.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Voices in My Head **

**Being Xander Harris**

"And thus the three Scoobs did ascend to the heavens," The Muse began.

"What about Dawn?" The author asked.

"What?"

"What happened to Giles, Joyce, Faith and Dawn?"

"Giles felt he had done enough and joined Jana and Joyce in the afterlife," The Muse explained.

"How about Faith and Kendra?" The author asked curiously.

"They opted for reincarnation in a universe where the good guys were definitely going to win, now the trio …" The Muse began again.

"What world?" The author interrupted as always.

"Why is any of this important? I'm trying to inspire you here and these tangents aren't making things go any faster!"

"Well the Scoobs are going to want to look in on their friends and make sure they're doing okay, so I need to know enough to have an idea about what to write when they ask."

"Okay, that makes sense. Kendra has been reincarnated as Hermione and Faith as Luna in a Potterverse."

"Canon start?"

"Up till second year when they start to regain their memories and powers. Anyone else?"

"Dawn," The author replied firmly.

"Is Janus' daughter," The Muse answered.

"WHAT?"

"She's the Key who was created already loving the Prophecy Breaker – I thought it was obvious?"

"Still not seeing it," The author replied confused.

"Dawn is usually a facet of reality itself dealing with the locking, unlocking and opening of portals, Janus is the god of portals."

"Okay, I can see the connection," The author admitted.

"Janus is a god of Chaos and Xander is his unknowing avatar, who Dawn loves from the instant of her creation," The Muse finished.

"Sounds a bit like an Electra complex."

"Janus is a Roman god, it's allowed. Besides most girls with decent fathers try and find men who are similar."

"So what does this mean for when they go looking for her?"

"It means she is in quite a few places playing quite a few roles, I'd advise just showing her in one of the tamer worlds when they check and having them overlook the rest. She's got a lot of power and as little restraint as Faith at times," The Muse warned.

"How bad could it be?" The author asked unwisely and then frowned at having written this sentence.

"You asked for it," The muse smirked before snapping her fingers.

**Wavyline Special Effect – Void Where Prohibited**

Dawn smiled as she finished her research on both Star Wars and the portal spell she needed, holding up a lock of brown hair she broke into an evil grin, "Clone Wars here I come."

**Wavyline Special Effect – Void Where Prohibited**

The author blinked slowly, "You mean …"

"Yes, cloned Xanders as far as the eye could see whose actions who couldn't be predicted and perverted the kill order on Jedi, since messing with Xander's mind never works right, to mean they had to make them break their Jedi codes."

"And how did they do that?" The author asked cautiously.

"Strippers, beer and in a few cases calm rational explanations."

"So, did the Empire win?"

"Empress Dawn Summers, that's all I've got to say on that."

"Well if that's the worst thing she does..." The author began.

"Worst?" The Muse interrupted, "That's not even close to the worst, how about a world where Xander died in Africa so to prevent his death she sends her memories to her younger self with the plan being Tranq Gun, net, sex."

"That doesn't sound too bad," The author said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, except she fails to take into account the actual date of her creation, so she sends everything back to her 12 year old self."

"That'll cause some changes in plans," The author snickered.

"Who said she changed her plans?" The Muse asked flatly.

"But she's 12!"

"Yep, that world reminds me a bit of the old Pepe Le Pew cartoons, except since Dawn was a Scoob for nearly a decade before going back she's actually a lot more dangerous than the Buffy of that time. So we have demons running away at the first glimpse of Xander because where he goes she follows. A common scene at night is Xander running with demons fleeing from his path and a 12 year old Dawn Summers in full Safari outfit killing any demons that get between her and Xander."

"Wouldn't Joyce object?"

"Dawn tricked her mother into agreeing to let her to track, capture, and seduce Xander whenever she wanted."

"How'd she do that?" The author asked, clearly confused.

"Dawn said that if her mother promised to not interfere she'd put off any of those plans until she got her PhD."

The author groaned.

"Yep, it took some serious use of blackmail, smarts, and bribery but she got her PhD in a little under a month."

"Blackmail and bribery?"

"She used the same college to get her PhD that she did in her former life, meaning she knew all the scandals to come and what caused them as for the bribery, well she did earn her degree and had a decade of advances and discoveries in her head so it was a simple matter to pay people off with what they would have discovered in the future."

"Buffy would kill Xander, and I don't think Willow would be all that happy either," The author pointed out.

"Dawn, thanks to Cordelia's advice, had memorized quite a few lottery numbers, she gave Buffy a shoe store in return for a non-interference pledge."

"And Willow?" The author asked.

"Dawn offered to share. Willow feels very guilty, but not enough to forego the possibility of naked Xander time."

"So … if anyone asks, Dawn is in heaven with Joyce?" The author suggested.

"Good call, now can we get back to the story?"

"Buffy is going to ask about Angel and Spike and Willow is going to ask about Tara and Kennedy," The author pointed out, "they'd be massively OOC not to."

"Okay, but these are the last ones; after this we'll have to work on the fly if anyone we forgot is asked about."

"That's fine."

"Okay, Angel chose to be reincarnated as Arthur Fonzarelli with Connor as his nephew Chachi."

"Happy Days?"

"Yes, Spike found Heaven a bit dull so he's been collecting favors by playing roles for busy deities; you need a sarcastic and bloodthirsty sword for the hero to wield? Spike's your man. Need to smite someone and make sure they stay smote but you have to deal with Lutherans in your church? Spike is the one to call. I have no idea what he's going to do with all the favors he's amassing though so don't ask."

"Well, at least he's stay busy. Tara and Kennedy?"

"Tara is playing a Whitelighter in a Charmed universe, and Kennedy heard so much about Tara from Willow that she has been reborn as one of canon Tara's schoolmates so she can get to know her better. Spike spent a couple of favors setting up something for her, but God alone knows what that is."

"Okay, that should cover anything they'll ask. Inspire away!"

"FINALLY!"

**Wavy Scene Change, Void Where Prohibited**

"We've ascended!" Willow said in awe.

"And why does that translate into glowing squid?" Buffy asked, waving a tentacle around.

"Because Xander watches too much Stargate," Willow laughed and concentrated on how she looked as a human.

Xander examined his body, surprised to be human again and began to play with his breasts.

"Willow, why are we all three naked clones of you now?"

Willow blushed. "Well I was concentrating on making us human again and I know how I feel but not how you do and speaking of feeling, Xander are you going to spend all eternity playing with my breasts?"

Xander nodded absently, totally absorbed in what he was doing. "Yeah, probably," he replied, flicking first the right nipple and then the left.

"Xander!" Buffy groaned, "Even if you are a Willow clone at the moment you shouldn't just float around playing with your … Willow's breasts."

"I'll stop playing with them if you do this," Xander said and licked his palm before dragging it across a nipple.

"Fine!" Buffy said and licked her palm but she didn't even have her palm halfway down before she stopped and exclaimed, "Wow! These things are responsive! Mine never responded like these do."

"I know!" Xander exclaimed, before getting an evil grin on his … Willow's face. "We need a mirror and some tassels."

"Bet I learn to make them spin in different directions before you do," Buffy bet.

"You're on!"

Willow sighed and decided she'd just have to wait until they grew bored.

**Forty minutes later … **

"Enough!" Willow yelled, startling the other two, "I promise you can play with my breasts later, but for now can we please try and concentrate here?"

"Sure Wills," Xander agreed, "playtime later, work time now."

"Sorry," Buffy apologized.

"It's okay," Willow said, "I just want to make sure we can handle things before we start goofing off. I mean it's not like godhood comes with a tutorial."

There was a flash of light and a sound like children laughing as a large leather bound book appeared with a big red button on the cover along with the words "DON'T PANIC".

"Okay, maybe there is," Willow muttered.

"Can you guys please turn back into yourselves?" Willow asked, "It's a little distracting."

"Sure," Buffy and Xander agreed and with a little concentration it was done.

"Better?" Buffy asked.

"Almost," Willow said, "Xander I don't recall you having breasts identical to mine."

"Huh," Xander said thoughtfully, "I guess form is a function of will here."

"Well, will away my breasts because they look weird."

Xander concentrated for a moment and resumed his normal form. "Okay, done."

"Good," Willow said picking up the book.

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**

**AN2: Just a strange thought I had about the Scoobs actually becoming the PTBs.**


	35. Chapter 35

**Strange Bedfellows**

**(Yet another new fic he's writing instead of continuing Lacking an Anchor (or Boy in the Hand – doesn't that title just sound perverted?))**

Xander and Kennedy blinked and looked at the bookcase in front of them.

"You totally jinxed us," Xander announced, lowering his axe and putting a hand on her arm to keep her from turning around.

"I jinxed us?" Kennedy demanded, lowering her sword.

"Well, as long as you admit it," Xander declared cheerfully as he pulled out a cloth and began cleaning blue ichor off his axe.

"And who was it who dropped his pants in the middle of battle and mooned the damn wizard before accusing him of being upset that he had a wand instead of a staff?" she demanded once again.

"I needed to distract him from attacking the others so they could destroy the idol he was drawing power from, besides it worked didn't it?"

"If by worked you mean got us hit by his death curse, then yes it worked!"

"It was us or the others, which would you choose?" Xander asked, passing her the cloth as he holstered his axe.

Kennedy nodded as she cleaned her sword. "I'm not arguing about it being the right move, I'm arguing that I didn't jinx us."

"What did you say when I warned you that I had a bad feeling about this battle?" Xander asked.

"Relax, what's the worst that can happen, we die? At least we don't have to relive high school or any crap like that," Kennedy repeated.

"Exactly!" Xander exclaimed. "And that's why we're not turning around."

"We're in the Sunnydale Library during your High School years?" Kennedy asked, wide eyed.

"No, I'm soaking my feet in "da Nile" and plan on continuing to do so until I think things out," Xander replied firmly.

"Like what?" she asked curiously.

"Well since I don't recall meeting my older self during High School, I'm guessing we created an alternate timeline by coming here."

"Any facts to back up that guess?"

"Just tons of comics and because assuming it to be true removes a lot of headaches, like worrying about causing a paradox."

"Paradox … like what happened to that one demon who simultaneously exploded, imploded, turned inside out and burned alive?" Kennedy asked nervously.

"Exactly," Xander said with forced calm.

"This river is exceedingly cool on my poor abused feet!" Kennedy announced suddenly.

"Isn't it though?"

"Yep," she agreed while they both ignored the whispers from the people behind them. "So, what have you decided?"

"Well I figure just telling them the future would be a bad move, but details are bound to slip out. So to avoid angering the PTB we at least try to avoid screwing up major events."

"Think that'll work?" Kennedy asked hopefully.

"Not a snowflake's chance in hell," Xander replied cheerfully, "but we try and not effect things too much while we wait for someone to call us back to our own time."

"Think that'll work?" she asked, a bit less hopefully than last time.

"Probably not," Xander allowed, "I'm basing it on the idea that a butterfly flapping its wings doesn't start a hurricane on the other side of the world. Well … not until he's been doing it for a while anyway."

"I can almost make sense of that theory," Kennedy said.

"If we aren't yanked back home in a couple of weeks we'll have made so many minor changes that we might as well give up and do whatever the hell we feel like," Xander explained.

"That makes a lot of sense," Kennedy agreed.

"Okay, remember no talking about work or our own personal lives in any detail, all they need to know is we're dating. Okay, hun?"

"Sure, sweetie," Kennedy promised, catching on.

Turning around Kennedy and Xander saw a seriously trashed library, two Slayers, a load of Scoobs, but no Xander.

"What's the date?" Kennedy asked the stunned group.

"That's no help, I never paid any attention to dates," Xander said. "What was our last big battle?"

"And where's Xander?" Kennedy added curiously.

"We just killed the Sisters of Jhe and closed the Hellmouth," Giles explained.

"So, where's Xander?" Kennedy asked again.

"Home in bed," Buffy said, staring at the older Xander.

"Oh yeah," Xander smirked, "it was a quiet night."

"Don't give me that," Kennedy snorted, poking him in the side. "I know that look, spill."

"What look?" Xander asked, dodging Kennedy's poking fingers while trying to poke her back.

"That same look you had, like in France with that Apocalypse that failed to happen," Kennedy pointed out.

"The one that said the sacrifice of three maiden's deaths would stop it?" Xander asked innocently.

"That's the one," she confirmed. "Vi said that if we couldn't find a way around it she'd volunteer to be one of the three maiden's sacrificed, and you were about to say something, but Willow explained that maiden in this case meant virgin so we were all out of luck."

"Andrew was the only virgin the group had, and he didn't qualify as a maiden … well until Willow cast that spell on him."

"Spell, what spell?" Willow asked.

"Modified Halloween costume spell," Xander explained.

"Turned him into some comic book character called Triplicate Girl," Kennedy added.

"You were going to kill him?" Buffy asked, shocked.

"He volunteered," Kennedy replied, "and when it comes down to a Scoob's life or the world a Scoob will always sacrifice themselves."

"Not that it matters, as I pointed out after the spell was cast, none of the very obvious signs were coming true, thus no inbound Apocalypse," Xander declared.

"Exactly, you had the same smirk you have now – and why did you wait to point that out until AFTER Willow had changed him?"

"You knew Andrew before and Andy, Sandy, and Mandy after. Which is happier? He earned the right to have that spell cast on him, by offering his life for the world's. No way would I take his shot at happiness away from him."

"So you admit you knew the Apocalypse wasn't going to happen?" Kennedy demanded.

"You mean the Apocalypse that I was brushed aside on because Willow and her Coven said they had it all under control and said I'd just be getting underfoot?" Xander asked innocently.

"Yes, that Apocalypse."

"I took the night off, met some girls..."

"You killed three girls?" Buffy burst out.

"And you wonder why I keep saying the bitch is crazy?" Xander asked Kennedy.

"Not really," Kennedy replied as they both burst out laughing.

"So they were still breathin' when you were done with them?" Faith asked.

"Breathin' heavy," Xander smirked.

Kennedy's eyes widened as she finally put the pieces together. "Not death! Little death! You convinced three virgins … How did you find them, much less convince them?"

"That was the easy part, the hard part was convincing their Mother Superior."

"You are so going to Hell," Kennedy teased.

Xander just smirked, reminding her of what started it all.

"Don't think I'm distracted that easily, where are you right now?"

"Standing next to you, trying not to make major changes to the time line."

"Knowing where you are and what you're doing is that important?" Kennedy asked.

"I'm going to find Xander," Buffy declared.

"If we turn inside out, explode, implode and burn to death I'm blaming you," Xander deadpanned.

Kennedy winced. "Sorry; forgot how blonde she was." Wrapping her arms around him and pressing her full body against him she batted her eyes. "Can't we just blame Buffy like we normally do?"

Xander nodded dumbly for a moment before blinking and shaking his head.

"Why are you guys so hard on Buffy?" Willow asked.

"You haven't had to put up with her as long as we have," Xander said dryly.

"I can't tell you the number of her boyfriends we've had to slay or how many people have died because of them, hell we just explained major changes to the time line may kill us both in the most painful way imaginable and what does she do? She quickly rushes off to change the time line!" Kennedy added.

"Boyfriends?" Angel asked.

"Trust Captain Hairgel to focus on the important parts, yes boyfriends; it's gotten so bad the vampires call her the Vampire Layer and they fear her more than any Slayer," Xander said.

"Why would they fear her more for … having sex with them?" Giles asked with a shudder.

"Because Buffy enthralls vampires against their will and vampires she sleeps with are cursed with a soul," Kennedy said, like a young girl telling ghost stories.

Xander laughed. "Let's just say her dating habits have caused rumors that scare the hell out of vampires and demons."

"So … we don't work out?" Angel asked sadly.

"You are haunting a corpse that is made to resemble a living being by a demon that is only held in check by a curse that breaks if you are happy," Xander said as if he was talking to a 3 year old, "anyone with half a brain would see this could only end in tears."

"How'd you lose the eye?" Faith asked.

"Buffy led us into a trap and Xander got his eye poked out saving me," Kennedy said quietly.

"You sacrificed an eye for your girl?" Faith asked, beginning to perk up. "Wish I could find a guy like that," she muttered before wincing and smacking herself in the forehead.

"We weren't dating or even close friends when I did that," Xander said.

"It's his nature," Kennedy shrugged, "Buffy does hugely heroic deeds to save us from disasters, only sometimes of her own making. Giles finds prophecies hidden in the most unlikely places like he's a bloodhound, Willow cast spells that you generally need a full Coven for and Xander..."

"Points out the obvious," Xander said proudly, making Kennedy roll her eyes.

"Xander points out things that he says are obvious but no one sees until he points them out, makes us all look like idiots really. At any rate Xander takes risks that no sane person would, and has the scars to prove it."

"Ribbed for her pleasure." Xander smirked.

The library doors were kicked open and Buffy dragged Xander inside.

"What the hell's your problem?" young Xander demanded. "Slayer or not I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to go around kidnapping us poor mortals."

Faith quickly rushed over to make sure Xander was okay.

"Well, we aren't burning alive!" Kennedy said brightly.

"And Buffy's actions have altered the time line enough to cause paradox," Xander said, "meaning my comic book based time line theory has been proven!"

"What does that mean exactly?" Wesley asked, while in the background Faith fussed over young Xander much to his surprise and delight.

"It means we can do whatever we want since Buffy's attempt to kill us in the most painful way possible has just failed!" Xander declared.

"What?" Buffy asked, wide eyed.

"We stated straight out that causing paradox would result in our very painful deaths and that Xander had never met his older self; so you rushed out to bring young Xander in and cause a paradox," Kennedy said blandly.

"I – I just wanted to show Xander what would happen if he continued trying to help, look you only have one eye and tons of scars!" Buffy exclaimed, pointing at older Xander.

Xander waved cheerfully at his younger self, putting his arm around Kennedy who leaned into him.

"I look pretty happy," young Xander said after he got over Faith hugging him and not letting go and seeing his older self.

"But if you quit slaying you'll be …" Buffy began.

"Dead!" older Xander said loudly, "And so will everyone in this room and those that aren't will be praying for it."

"What?" came the response from half a dozen voices.

"Tonight I was busy fighting zombies and demons, before convincing one of the zombies to disarm a bomb that would have killed everyone here and left the Hellmouth wide open, this isn't the first or last time I'm in the right place at the right time."

"Do I at least have a cool story to go with the patch?" young Xander begged.

"Going hand to hand with an Evil Preacher empowered as the second in command of the First Evil," older Xander said with a smirk, "saved Kennedy and gave me a lot of Little Jack Horner jokes that make people pale."

Young Xander grinned for a moment before frowning. "You're with Kennedy, is Faith okay?"

"Faith is fine," older Xander assured him. "Faith has a hard time trusting and since she didn't know what kind of guy you are you never really got together. Of course, here and now she's taking a closer look."

"Sorry?" Buffy offered lamely as she realized what she'd done.

Xander shook his head. "It's pick on Buffy day, no apologies accepted."

"What? Why?" Buffy asked, shocked.

"Because you said, 'No Xander you can't wire the idol up with C4 just because you have a bad feeling about things."

"What?" Buffy asked, obviously confused.

"You in the future stopped me from wiring an evil idol with C4 and later it turned out that blowing it up would have solved all our problems," Xander explained.

"If we were being fair I would point out that Xander believes there are few problems that cannot be solved with enough explosives, and he's not always right. But like we said, its pick on Buffy day," Kennedy clarified.

"So, any words of advice?" young Xander asked.

"I have tons to tell you after I go hug Joyce for about an hour and then beat Snyder to a pulp," Xander said with a grin that was more than a little feral.

"What about the rest of us?" Giles asked.

Xander shrugged. "You guys did your damndest to push me away and keep me out of the loop..." he began.

"So in revenge you're going to do the same to us?" Cordelia demanded.

"So I don't have anything to tell you that would be useful at this point in time, and the later stuff is going to be obsolete really quickly anyway," Xander explained.

"Oh!" Cordelia exclaimed quietly.

"After we're done here, can we go seduce Tara?" Kennedy asked, stopping Xander in his tracks.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I remember you said your home life was worse than yours ever was and I've heard so many good things about her ..."

"That you feel we should rescue her and then have sex with her?" Xander asked, confused.

Kennedy grinned evilly. "Oh yeah!"

"I thought you'd want to visit with your younger self?"

"Nah, I'm in junior high at this point and there's little I'd actually want to change."

Willow burst out, "Xander you should be ashamed of yourself, dating someone so much younger than you!"

Xander snickered as Kennedy fell over laughing.

"Was she really this big a hypocrite?" Kennedy asked when she regained her breath.

"Most of us are at this age, Buffy can date demons but if my date isn't human she has to slay her. I'm evil for cheating on Cordelia with Willow, but Cordelia with Raul the cabana boy was just fine, as was Buffy with Pike when she hadn't broken up with the quarterback yet. Oh and Willow was perfectly innocent too."

"You guys were such horn dogs!" Kennedy said with a grin.

"Teenage hormones combined with life and death struggles..." Xander began.

"Make for the strangest bedfellows," Kennedy finished, "now – on to the seduction of Tara!"

"Ummm, actually Joyce first."

"Okay, seduce Joyce first!"

Xander shook his head, "Eh, what the hell; let's go."

"Stay away from my mom!"

**AN: Typing by Godogma the Magnificent!**


	36. Chapter 36

Glaring Problem Part Two

The nin stared at Naruto in shock.

"What?" Naruto asked. "I can't do illusionary clones to save my life and you thought I could do the same henge as you, a jutsu that uses even less chakra?"

"Most people would have worked on their chakra control, not have invented a new jutsu," Kakashi pointed out.

"Most people didn't have to deal with teachers who'd rather cut off an arm than actually help them learn anything," Naruto replied somewhat caustically.

"Iruka?" Kakashi asked.

"Did a great job but started out just like the others, and by the time he actually saw me for me there wasn't really enough time left to do anything," Naruto growled in frustration, "and let's face it, between not being able to sit still for very long and being self taught in practically everything he did a damn good job. Besides I have too much chakra for the Academy control exercises to do any good."

Kakashi winced as Naruto turned away angrily and started making more clones, he'd been Naruto's teacher for months and hadn't exactly addressed those issues yet as he'd concentrated on teaching them teamwork and procedures, he'd assumed they'd spend the morning practicing and training until he arrived – but if Naruto didn't have anything worthwhile to practice … Oops!

"Huh," Naruto said thoughtfully, "someone just tried to dine and dash at Ichiraku's."

"How would you know that?" Sakura asked, confused.

"Because one of my clones just popped," Naruto explained, "I didn't know I'd get their memories."

"It's written right on the scroll underneath the technique where it outlines the positives and negatives of the technique," Kakashi said.

"I had to teach myself to read," Naruto replied, turning away from the rest of his team, "I'm still working on it."

Kakashi felt like the biggest heel in the world at the moment. "When a clone pops the original and all the clones receive his memories, but I've never heard of anyone being able to maintain them at this distance though."

Naruto made a clone that immediately dismissed itself, a minute later he flinched. "Yeah, that works."

"Did you just dismiss all your clones?" Kakashi asked, concerned that the psychic shock from hundreds of clones would be too much for the boy.

"No, but about a hundred of them made and dismissed their own clones, so I'd know what was going on."

"So, whats going on?" Kakashi asked, curious despite himself.

"A lot of crime foiled, about 35 clones have been seduced by Hinata's younger sister Hanabi…" Naruto began.

"Isn't she about 8 years old?" Kakashi interrupted, idly preventing a shocked Sakura from attacking Naruto.

"Yeah, but she's real cute and has a strong will, so she's been challenging clones to games and win or lose she's shown what kind of person she is. So a group of clones are now obeying her," Naruto explained.

"So, by seduced you meant …" Kakashi said leadingly.

"Been so adorable and determined that they couldn't help but want to encourage her and have stopped following my commands to help her train."

"Ah, well to avoid confusion I'd avoid using the word seduced in reference to any young girls in the future."

"Why? Only a complete and utter pervert would think it was something dirty!" Naruto retorted, while Sasuke eyed Sakura and Kakashi warily.

Naruto's next batch of clones changed into tigers and clumsily swam ashore, showing none of the trademark grace tigers usually had which was a bit more surprising than how bright the orange was in their coats, much less the neon green they had in place of a normal tiger's black stripes.

"Why are they so clumsy?" Sasuke asked as they poled to the shore.

"I haven't practiced being a tiger enough yet," Naruto replied, "which is strange because I've got house cat down pat but tigers have a lot more muscle to move around."

**0oOo0**

"The key to the Gentle Fist is flexibility and accuracy," Hanabi lectured, "I must improve both if I want to advance."

There was a poofing noise and one of the clones told her, "I've put the word out, all the clones will be on the lookout for ways to improve flexibility and accuracy."

Hanabi beamed for a moment before recovering and forcing herself to keep a neutral mask on. "Thank you."

The mass of clones surrounding her, which had henged into eight year old boys and girls with straight blonde hair and pupil-less blue eyes with bright orange clothes styled to match hers, bowed. "You're welcome your highness."

**0oOo0**

"How do you change the mass of your clones to match your target animal?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know how I do it, but I know I have to keep it in mind or I wind up with squirrels who can't climb trees because they sink into wood like it's mud."

"Have you tried making denser clones to increase their strength and toughness?"

"Nah, it sounds like a good idea, but then the moment you step off into dirt you start sinking like it's quicksand, plus you slow down a lot."

"That would be a problem," Kakashi admitted.

"How would I go about increasing flexibility and accuracy?" Naruto asked, the forest around them filled with chattering orange squirrels and the occasional tiger.

"What brought this on?" Kakashi asked.

"Hanabi needs to increase her flexibility and accuracy so she can get advanced training in the Gentle Fist, the clones following her put out the word to find a solution."

"Hmmm," Kakashi murmured while thinking about it, the poof of Naruto making clones not even noticeable after so long listening to it. "The two people I can think of who have noticeable skills in that direction and could probably be convinced to help are Anko and Tenten."

"Tenten, the girl with buns in her hair that graduated last year, right?" Naruto asked thoughtfully.

"Right, she's one of Gai's genin, so I know a bit about her because Gai likes to brag about how 'youthful' his team is. Tenten scores 100 out of 100 regularly in accuracy with thrown weapons and genin are rather easy to convince or bribe for help training."

"Actually I believe Panda-chan owes me a favor, I helped her get rid of a genin who didn't want to take no for an answer," Naruto said thoughtfully. "Been a while since I saw her but she should remember."

"Good, now Anko is a Special Jounin; she was an apprentice of the Snake Sannin before he went rogue, she's gotten a lot of flak for that and as you could imagine she's more than a little jaded and distrustful. But when it comes to flexibility there aren't many who can match her; her two main weaknesses are sake and dango – you're going to have to bribe her and its going to cost you."

"Not a problem!" Naruto declared with a smile as one of his newly created clones vanished while the rest changed into tigers and stumbled off.

**0oOo0**

"We have a lead Hime!" A Naruto-Hyuuga clone declared. "Two trainers, one of which owes me a favor – should I see if she's available?"

"Make it so," Hanabi said, trying to sound like a confident ruler.

"Hai, my Hime!" Naruto said, transforming back into a standard Naruto clone and rushing off.

**AN: Godogma typed it for me, despite being sick.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Fourplay**

Xander blinked and shook off the fuzzy feeling that was enveloping him, as he felt around himself and found he was in some sort of tube.

After a few seconds of banging on the glass the tube opened up, spilling him and a cloud of white fog upon the floor.

"Strange, you should not have been awake," the bulbous eyed gray alien said.

"I've been kidnapped by aliens?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"Just the one," the alien corrected. "How are you still awake?"

"Wait!" Xander commanded. "Before I answer any questions I need one answer that will determine how cooperative I'm going to be."

"Very well, ask your question."

"Is there going to be any anal probing?"

"Is your family from the mid-west?" the alien asked intently.

"No!"

"Then no," the alien relaxed, "anal probing would not be productive."

"Okay, ask away," Xander replied, much calmer than he was initially.

"How was it you were able to revive yourself and stay awake inside a stasis pod?"

"No idea, but it probably has something to do with either my slightly mutated DNA or having been possessed by a primal spirit a couple of years ago."

"Primal spirit?"

"Yeah, boosted physical stats, but a complete removal of my conscious, so I acted like a psychopath. There was a circle, some chanting, and maracas to get rid of it."

"Ah!" The alien nodded slightly, "altering reality through the advanced use of symbology."

Xander tilted his head and the alien could see the wheels turning as he tried to fit what he'd just said into his world view.

"Magic," the alien explained, satisfied with the look of dawning comprehension in Xander's eyes.

"I didn't think you'd be interested in that sort of thing," Xander said curiously.

"It is more art than science," the small gray alien agreed, "but the problems facing my race are such that I have studied that path as well. Unfortunately it proved to be a dead end. I'd barely completed a primer in that subject before I realized it just wasn't precise enough for my work."

Xander nodded, the alien's explanation making perfect sense to him. "Well, I guess introductions are in order; my name is ..."

"Alexander LaVelle Harris, but you prefer Xander," the little alien completed.

"Telepath?" Xander asked curiously.

"No, I simply scanned you and your possessions and the writing on the back of the pictures in your wallet suggests much."

"Okay, and you are?"

"Loki of the Asgard."

Xander stared speechless for a moment before replying, "I thought you'd be taller."

0oOo0

Xander rubbed his eyes and looked around.

"At least I pulled into a rest stop before passing out," he muttered before yawning and getting out of the car.

Hearing a thumping noise coming from the trunk he cautiously approached it with keys in hand, thankful it was daytime. Popping open the trunk he quickly dodged back as a pair of girls popped out.

"Damn it was hot in there!" they chorused and stared at each other in shock.

"What the hell?" they chorused.

"Who are you two?" Xander asked.

"I'm Dawn Summers/Harris, your future wife/twin sister, don't you remember?"

The two girls looked exactly alike except for hair color, as Summers' was blonde haired the way Buffy wished hers was and Harris' hair color matched Xander's.

"Sister/Wife?" the two girls stared at each other in shock.

"I don't remember either one of you," Xander replied flatly, only to groan as three seconds later he had two crying girls attached to him.

"There, there..." He tried rubbing their backs. "I tell you what, how about we head back to Sunnydale and get this all straightened out?"

0oOo0

Xander sighed in relief as he saw the Welcome to Sunnydale sign ahead while the girls talked in the back seat.

The jealousy and arguments from the two when they sat up front with him had caused him to banish the two to the back seat, where they'd started talking and discovered they had a lot in common. He wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not.

"So … where to first?" Summers asked.

"Your place," Harris said firmly. "I'm over 18 and don't want to deal with mom and dad trying to send me to Alaska, when we get back we'll get our own place."

"Summers residence it is," Xander agreed, listening to the girls with half an ear while driving toward the Summer's residence at 1630 Revello Drive.

They trooped up to the door with Xander in the lead. He knocked firmly and Joyce quickly answered.

"Hello Xander, I thought you'd be halfway to Nevada by now," Joyce said.

Xander stepped aside revealing two Dawns.

"You cloned my daughter?"

"Nope, my name is Dawn Harris, Xander's twin sister," Dawn introduced herself, "even if I do look more like Dawn Summers' twin. I've spent the last couple of years out of state. Xander doesn't remember me or Dawn your daughter."

"We'd better call Giles," Joyce declared firmly, "he'll figure out what's going on."

0oOo0

Giles grabbed the leather case he kept his slaying kit in and hopped out of the car. Joyce had sounded concerned on the phone and that was enough for him. Knocking on the door he was quickly ushered inside. "Okay, what seems to be the problem?"

Xander pointed out the dual Dawns.

"Wow, they look even more alike than you thought," Giles said to Xander.

"What?" Xander asked, obviously confused with a small frown on his face.

"Well, you've mentioned that when you first ran into Dawn Summers, you thought your sister had dyed her hair. In fact it startled you so much you crashed your skateboard and of course what you said later because of your confusion and how it made Buffy think you had a crush on her for the longest time."

"One problem Giles," Xander declared, "two identical Dawns and I don't remember either of them."

"What?" Giles asked, surprised as he took off and polished his glasses.

"I don't think I have any holes in my memory, but I don't remember either of them."

"Well, let's see if anything's wrong with your memory first," Giles suggested as he replaced his glasses, "because the rest of us remember them just fine. Your sister had been sent off for the last four years because your parents felt you were … too close and young Miss Summers has been attending Forden so Buffy could have some space."

"Sounds like a good place to start," Xander agreed, "of course that still doesn't explain why they were hiding in my trunk."

Joyce and Giles looked at the two girls.

Harris shrugged. "I can't get a minute alone with Xander without our parents thinking something is up, so I stowed away in the trunk."

Everyone turned to Summers, who blushed.

"I thought you said he agreed to take you on the trip?" Joyce asked. "Why were you hiding in the trunk?"

"He said yes when I asked him last year, but it turned out he'd gotten his clock cleaned, so I decided not to give him a chance to say no."

"Good reasons," Xander agreed, making the adults roll their eyes and the girls beam.

"So you don't mind the stowaways?" Joyce asked, just to be sure.

"I had planned on the trip being three people anyway," he replied as the girls hit him with dual puppy dog eyes.

"Yes, well let's see what's wrong with your memory then," Giles suggested, opening up his case and pulling out some candles and a small amount of oil.

"Essential oil from forget-me-nots, and candles to add earth and fire to the water and air already present," Xander muttered, much to Giles surprise.

"Excellent work," Giles said with approval. "A basic knowledge of magic is almost a must around here."

"Align the four candles with true magnetic north; circle the subject with salt, preferably sea or kosher, and light the candles with sulfur tipped matches," Xander said, wondering where he'd read it.

"Why magnetic north?" Giles asked.

"It provides greater precision and enhances the connection to Gaea."

"The circle and type of salt?"

"Provides focus and filters out hell mouth energy," Xander replied.

"Sulfur?"

"Disguises what you're doing from malign entities, who like to interrupt good and neutral spells."

Giles made a hand full of notes while Joyce sent her daughter to get her bath salts and Xander's sister aligned the candles.

Giles cast the spell in Swahili and his eyes glowed blue for a moment, as the candles flared before fading. "Someone dumped a large amount of knowledge in your head, and by large I mean enormous. Their intention was to ensure you and those you care for are kept safe, they made no effort to cover their tracks and had to have had your approval in what was chosen for it to work."

"So I did it to myself and something went wrong?" Xander asked just to be sure.

"Spells dealing with memory are notoriously fickle, which is why they're rarely used, so you may never regain the memories you've lost or you they may come back tomorrow," Giles said, "regardless there's nothing we can do about it."

"Then we might as well continue the trip," Xander said, trying to cheer up the two Dawns who looked utterly crushed, "and Dawn and Dawn can tell me all about the stuff I've forgotten."

The girls perked up at that and wiped their eyes.

Joyce gave Dawn a hug and handed her a blue compact. "You forgot something when you left, and remember two weeks."

Dawn turned bright red and quickly pocketed the compact, too embarrassed to say anything.

"Shhh...oot!" Dawn Harris caught herself. "I need to get something from home before we can go."

"It's a feminine issue," Dawn Summers quickly assured Xander when he looked like he was going to ask, having figured out herself what Dawn Harris had forgotten.

"Right, I'm out," Xander promised, not wanting to hear the gory details of feminine hygiene.

"Now, you be good and listen to Xander," Joyce ordered before sending the three off.

"It's quite a coincidence that they're both named Dawn and look so much alike," Giles observed.

"Except my Dawn is a little more reserved, strange as that is to say, and dresses more femininely," Joyce replied.

"Yes, Dawn Harris wears her heart on a very brightly colored sleeve, much like Xander."

"So I wasn't imagining ..."

"No, I'm afraid not, but it's not our place to interfere, and separating the two may have caused some of Xander's problems to start with. There's no telling how powerful a bond the two shared, being twins, born and raised on the Hellmouth."

"So it might have twisted things?"

"No doubt, but considering the risks of what we do, I'm not going to begrudge them violating social taboos."

Joyce nodded before heading inside. "You get the candles and I'll sweep up the bath salt, then maybe some coffee."

0oOo0

"Two weeks," Jessica reminded Dawn, as she handed her a blue compact.

Xander still had no idea what was going on as Dawn rushed to the car, cheeks bright red.

"You're so going to hell," Jessica said softly before closing the door in front of a very confused Xander.

"On that note I say we leave," Xander decided.

Dawn Summers nodded and followed him to the car.

**Six hours later… **

Pulling into the same rest stop he'd been at about 14 hours before, the three got out to stretch their legs.

"And here we are again," Xander said shaking his head as he wondered what exactly he'd stuffed in there to forget the two Dawns.

There came a banging noise from the trunk and all three stared at it like it was a snake.

Xander cautiously opened the trunk and a red and blue haired Dawn popped out.

"Wow! It's like I'm looking into a mirror, except you know there seems to be four of us, and Xander why do you look so confused?" the red head blurted out in one breath.

"Breath Dawnie, breath," Xander ordered.

The blue haired Dawn seemed to take everything in stride and simply raised an eyebrow, "Hey," she said in greeting.

"So … back to Sunnydale?" Dawn Summers asked.

"Nope," Xander said firmly, "we've got four Dawn's and unless I'm mistaken, the latest two are Rosenberg and Osborn."

"He doesn't remember any Dawns because a spell stuffed his head full of knowledge," Dawn Harris explained.

Dawn Osborn looked at Xander and raised an eyebrow.

Xander shrugged. "I'll call Giles and have him look into it, but the trip is continuing on – and I think we have enough Dawns for the moment."

"We might need a bigger car," Dawn Summers said, as she looked from the car back to the five of them.

"Van," Dawn Osborn suggested.

"Vans aren't very fuel efficient, but they do have a lot more room," Dawn Rosenberg said thoughtfully, "but there might be something better, like a Winnebago available."

"Something with room for a big bed in back," Dawn Osborn suggested with a smirk hiding at the corner of her eye.

Xander froze as he realized four identical girls were eying him like a cat eyes a particularly tasty seeming mouse, albeit slightly differently.

Dawn Osborn's look was slightly amused.

Dawn Rosenberg's included a heavy blush.

Dawn Summers' involved a hint of leer.

While Dawn Harris' just looked radiantly happy.

"Oh boy," Xander muttered as he resisted the urge to run.

**OMAKE**

"Yes Xander, I found the prophecy." Giles said into the phone.

"Last tuesday"

"Not every prophecy is ancient."

"The LA times crossword puzzle."

"We've got psychics who train to find these sorts of things."

"Ready? Unable to punish one of the light for breaking prophecy with death, the powers that be decried that he shall be rewarded," Giles explained.

"With death by snoo snoo."

"Hello? Xander are you still there? Hello?"

**AN: Yes I am evil and twisted why do you ask?**

**AN2: Typing as always… Godogma!**


	38. Chapter 38

**Having your Cake**

"Xander wouldn't want you to blame yourself," Willow told Jesse as she laid a hand on his shoulder, her heart was breaking but she'd be strong for Jesse, the way Xander would want her to.

Jesse just stared down at the table, a far off look in his eyes. "I doubt he wanted me to stick a stake in his heart either, but I did that just fine."

Giles continued with his work, content to let Willow comfort her friend as she was the closest one to him and he didn't feel he had a right to say anything.

Buffy watched helplessly, having never really gotten to know Xander before he'd gotten caught and turned.

"I just wish … that Xander were here."

"Granted!" a voice boomed all around them, making them jump.

"Aah!" came the scream of someone falling, which they all looked up at.

There was a flash of light and a screaming figure fell through the ceiling and did an impressive belly flop onto the table, "Owww!"

"Xander?" the two chorused.

"That would be me..." Xander agreed, standing up and revealing an eye patch on his left eye and that he was older than he had been.

"Bro! What happened?" Jesse burst out.

"When?" Xander asked as he rubbed his stomach and looked around the room.

"With the eye, being older, not being dust; considering you were a vampire and I staked you yesterday?" Jesse asked, his voice getting progressively louder and more shrill.

"It's not Xander, it's the thing that killed him!" Buffy warned, moving to take down the vamp she'd seen in the Bronze that Jesse apparently hadn't staked.

Seeing Buffy come at him, Xander did the sensible thing and maced her. While Buffy was rolling on the ground and clawing at her face Xander tried to diffuse the situation, "It's just mace, she'll be okay in a minute as Slayers bounce back from things like that like we do getting sand in our eyes."

"I don't know who you are," Giles began...

"Xander Harris and considering how young everyone looks I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore, any idea why I ended up here? I was just in Africa a minute ago."

"Africa?" Willow asked confusedly.

"As soon as I can see again I am SO staking you," Buffy growled as she rubbed at her eyes.

Seeing Giles was bringing up a crossbow, Xander quickly held up a cross. "Back Man of Tweed! I doubt you'll want to explain to the police why you have a human corpse with a crossbow bolt in it."

"You're human?" Giles asked, reflexively polishing his glasses to cover his confusion as he put the crossbow down.

"Not a vamp?" Buffy asked Giles cautiously as she blinked the last vestiges of mace from her eyes.

"Nope, human," Xander said.

"We don't know that for sure just yet," Giles said cautiously, "all we know for sure is he's neither a vampire nor one of the demon types affected by crosses."

Xander turned to the Scoobs. "Yellow crayon, May 1964, Mr. Gordo."

"It's him!" Willow chorused with Jesse just before they both tackled him in a big hug.

"Vamps know everything their victims did!" Buffy warned, "There could be other demons like that and how did you know about Mr. Gordo?"

"Vamps don't know anything their victims know," Xander said shaking his head, "their childer know everything the corpse they're possessing knew in life however."

"Very true," Giles replied, "but few people bother with the distinction."

"Unless you pay close attention to the little details they can bite you on the ass, that's why I get annoyed when people say things like 'that's not him, that's what killed him!' when really they should be saying, 'that's the child of what killed him!' Normally that's not very important, but when you're trying to banish a poltergeist and you're brought the ashes of its corpse, rather than its killer's corpse, so it can rest, things get a little hairy."

"Yes, I can see your point," Giles conceded.

"I – I staked you," Jesse said, his face buried in the older Xander's chest.

"Okay, I'm guessing in this time line I got captured and turned instead of you," Xander guessed, patting his friend on the back.

"I got turned?" Jesse asked, his confusion obvious.

"Yeah, and I staked the vampire who thought he was you," Xander confirmed. "That's the thing to remember; vampires are just demonically animated corpses with all the memories the person had when they were alive so it thinks it's them but it's not."

"Really?" Jesse asked hopefully.

"He summed it up quite succinctly," Giles confirmed.

"All you did was prevent a monster with my face from running around and killing people."

"That is such a relief," Jesse said, sitting back down with a smile on his face.

"Uh huh," Willow agreed, not moving from where she was wrapped around Xander.

"So … any idea how I got here?" Xander asked carefully.

"That would be my doing," a familiar looking demon said as he stepped out of the stacks.

Buffy and Giles readied their weapons, but held back from attacking; Giles because he was trying to identify the demon, and Buffy because she was waiting for Giles to tell her how to kill it.

"D'Hoffryn," Xander said with some resignation, "and why would you alter the time line to bring me here?"

"D'Hoffryn!" Giles exclaimed.

"Is that bad?" Buffy asked.

"A major demon lord capable of altering reality at will," Xander explained.

"That's bad," Buffy said, wishing she could just go back to fighting vampires and avoid demon lords all together.

"Not necessarily," Xander said, "the Hoff is evil and only does things that benefit him, but he's also one of the few demons smart enough to know that Armageddon would put him thoroughly out of business."

"You have all the pieces you need to solve the puzzle," D'Hoffryn said with some amusement.

"You brought me here to prevent the End Times," Xander said thoughtfully, "something changed the past so that I died and without me getting lucky, every now and again, everything went to hell?"

"That's part of the answer," D'Hoffryn replied with amusement.

"Changing the past is damn near impossible, the only power I know of that managed it is you," Xander thought aloud. "You changed time so that I was vamped instead of Jesse, but this lead to the big game over."

"Getting warmer."

Xander groaned. "The new girls didn't work out, so you rewrote time to get Anya and Hallie back, and rather than have to hang around and continually fix events to prevent the end, it was simpler to drop me here, so that I could do it."

"Exactly!" the demon lord said, grinning evilly, "and I'll be keeping my girls far from the Hellmouth to make your job easier and make sure you can't corrupt them with your … morality anymore."

"So I'm back for good, no way to repair the time line?" Xander asked, his mind already suggesting changes he'd like to make to how things had turned out originally.

"Exactly, I'll just leave things in your capable hands; enjoy."

"Wait!" Xander burst out. "I can't do half the things I did last time if I can't fit in, and going from being a teenager to being a man in his twenties is going to attract attention."

D'Hoffryn nodded. "That sounds reasonable."

Xander winced as the demon lord's power rolled over him, like a wave of fire burning away the years until he was 16 once more.

"Oww," Xander said as Willow helped support him, "that hurt."

The demon chuckled before vanishing in a burst of light.

"So … future?" Jesse asked. "Did I get Cordelia?"

Xander laughed. "You got vamped and I had to stake you, or rather the demon wearing your face."

Jesse thought about what he heard. "So I got saved by a demon lord who had it in for you, because you … corrupted his girls?"

"You corrupt demons?" Buffy asked plaintively, obviously confused.

"I'm kind of a demon magnet," Xander explained. "Anyanka was made human when her power center was destroyed; while helping her learn how to be human she ended up joining our group and died fighting, at one point she backslid and became a demon again and killed a bunch of frat boys before she repented and undid her actions. As punishment Hoff killed her friend Hallie in front of her."

"How much do you know about the future?" Giles asked.

"Not as much as you'd think," Xander said, shaking his head, "since Jesse is alive and I have a head full of future memories the future isn't going to be the same. I know a lot of things that can help us, but we're going to be running blind for the most part, just like everyone else."

"Always in motion the future is," Jesse declared in an impressive imitation of Yoda.

"Exactly!" Xander agreed.

"So we form a group?" Giles asked.

"Yep, Slayers normally have a short lifespan, but with all of us backing her up, Buffy was still alive and kicking when I got yanked here, not to mention the danger level in Sunnydale makes sending a lone Slayer out stupid."

"I see," Giles said thoughtfully.

"We can talk about it more tomorrow; right now I need a hot shower and a bed. It's been weeks since I've had either."

"We'll use my place," Willow said. "My parents are in Sweden for some conference right now anyway and my shower is plenty big enough."

As the door closed behind the two teens Buffy asked, "Plenty big enough?"

Jesse nodded. "I don't think she's planning on letting him out of her sight. She was holding things together pretty well for my sake, but losing Xander about destroyed her; now that she has a second chance she's not going to waste it or take no for an answer."

"But he's like 25 or something, even if his body is 16 again!" Buffy protested.

"Then he's probably wise enough to know better than to argue with her," Jesse said cheerfully.

"You're taking all this surprisingly well," Giles said.

"Not only did I find out I didn't kill my best friend, I now have him back," Jesse said, "demon lords and time travel just don't compare."

**AN: Another idea on a possible redo fic, but just not good enough to continue. **


	39. Chapter 39

**On the Road: the Thickness of Shadows**

**404 Your Fic is not Found**

**An offshoot of 'Walking in the Shadows' that I decided not to run with. **

"I'm just saying it's a bit bizarre to go from the Grand Canyon to Sunnydale in 15 minutes. I mean sure Sunnydale is a pit from which it is nearly impossible to escape, but even if we were driving downhill all the way with the wind at our backs, it would still take a couple of days," Xander explained as they entered the high school library.

Sirius shrugged, looking much better than he had been, even before he was sentenced to Azkaban; the road trip and things encountered having been beyond beneficial to them both. "I'm just saying that with magic it's pretty common, the shortest line between two points is often the arc of a curve; magic isn't very logical."

The Scoobs just turned and stared at the two, only one of whom looked familiar and even he was seriously off as none of his clothes were name brand and he looked far too relaxed and carefree to be himself.

"Mr. Harris would you care to introduce me?" Giles asked, wondering why Alex was behaving so strangely and from the accent and talk of magic, if the man with him was from the Watcher's Council.

"Hey everyone," Xander waved cheerfully making everyone look at him like he was nuts. "I'm a dimensional analogue of Alexander no middle name admitted Harris and this is my traveling companion I picked up while driving through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, Sirius Black – he's a wizard, but try not to spread that around. I'm currently on my road trip that I'd planned on since forever and as Willow can tell you, that means I've graduated already. But seeing as the school is still in one piece and you're all here I'm guessing I'm earlier in the time line here."

Things got a bit loud as everyone started asking questions at once, but it all calmed down when Giles whistled loudly.

"You claim you're from another reality?" Giles asked, while the rest of the Scoobs just stared at the two suspiciously.

"Yep," Xander agreed passing his wallet to Giles.

Giles took Xander's wallet curiously and looked through it, finding a couple of pictures of Xander with Buffy and Willow, there was only one picture of Cordelia and she looked like one of the spoiled rich girls that Alex tended to date, in designer clothes and not one hair out of place. A couple of people he didn't recognize at all, but he figured if he looked through one of the girl's purses it'd be much the same.

Taking out Xander's driver's license he noted the date and shimmering state seal. Hologram seals weren't in popular use yet and this little piece of applied technology more than anything else, convinced him of the young man's veracity.

He passed the ID over to Willow who examined it closely before returning it, her face pale. "It's real."

Xander sat at the table and Sirius demonstrated a little magic by transfiguring a pencil into a sign reading, "Xander Harris, dimensional traveler, questions answered. Price: 1 Twinkie." It was a tribute to how much they'd corrupted each other that Xander didn't even have to ask him to do it.

Everyone at the table turned to Cordelia who clutched her backpack tightly. "I knew it! It's just a plot to get my Twinkies."

Xander blinked, this wasn't the Cordelia he knew. The Cordelia he knew wouldn't be caught dead wearing what she was. Brightly colored, comfortable, broken in clothes were anathema to the fashion queen.

"Please?" Buffy asked, pouting cutely at Cordelia who loosened her grip on her bag.

"Uh huh, sure," Cordelia said numbly her eyes glazing over a bit as Buffy pressed herself up against her side.

Cordy blinked and came back to herself as Willow rifled the bag for snacks. "That was so unfair!" she complained.

"But very fun to watch," Xander grinned.

"Perv," Buffy snorted.

"You don't to call me a perv for that," Xander said smugly, "since you were the one intentionally doing it, legal precedent being pot vs kettle, you can't complain."

Cordelia and Sirius broke out laughing and even Willow snickered.

Ignoring Buffy's protests Xander gestured. "Ask away, for I crave the goodness that is Twinkies."

Cordy pouted, her eyes focused on the Twinkie, Willow held in her hand.

"Why are you so different from our Alexander?" Willow asked, sliding the Twinkie to Xander.

"No idea," Xander admitted. "I have yet to meet the local me. What's he like?"

Cordelia's eyes lit up and she snagged the Twinkie. "The local Alexander comes from the very rich Harris family and is extremely spoiled, he's also the quarterback of the football team and he and I have a long running feud, but he can be occasionally counted on to help."

Xander grinned. "Point to Cordelia, you have earned your Twinkie."

Sirius grinned and waved, giving Cordelia her own sign reading, "Cordelia Chase, local expert questions answered. Cost: 1 Twinkie."

Looking at the sign she frowned. "Its Chord not Cordelia, and why do you go by Xander?" she asked as she slid the Twinkie reluctantly toward him.

"Because Willow couldn't say my name in kindergarten, so she called me Xander," he explained, scarfing down the Twinkie before it could escape again.

"That's why I go by Chord," she said grinning.

"I was the Vice President of the We Hate Cordelia fanclub, but I'm guessing here it would be We Hate Alexander."

"Yellow," Chord said suddenly, locking eyes with him.

"Crayon," he confirmed while everyone but Willow stared at him in confusion.

"You're not the dimensional analogue of Alexander," Chord said firmly, "you're mine."

"Okay but I get to be on top." Xander grinned and both of them broke up laughing.

"You-you can't be," Willow stuttered out, "Chord is like the anti-Alexander!"

"Reality was supposed to make sense?" Sirius asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I must have missed the memo," Xander and Chord said in chorus before bursting out laughing again.

Giles cleaned his glasses, a sure sign that he was either annoyed or thinking things through. "So you know things that are coming up?"

Xander thought about that for a moment. "Yeah but they might not be all that accurate if events are far enough off the baseline from my world."

"Whoa, you've really thought about this," Buffy said.

"Well for one thing randomly jumping universes will do that to you, and second," Xander drawled out before he and Chord chorused, "Its simple comic book physics!"

"Are you claiming that the underlying physics of our universe are akin to the ideas postulated in those absurd magazines you read about scantily clad people of ridiculous proportions?" Giles asked with a look of horror.

"Short answer; yes," Sirius volunteered with a grin.

"Please god, let there be a long answer that makes more sense," Giles begged.

"Long answer; human beings were created by the Creator in his/her own image and when we use our imagination we are tapping into the fabric of reality itself, so all the books you've read … there are worlds based on them out there or vice verse. It's kinda like the whole chicken and the egg argument. Plus comic book companies have been known to hire scientists to simplify complex theories into something people can understand and work with. If you ever followed comics you'd see they've headed more toward realism and away from fairy tales as their readers got older."

"That helps, thanks," Giles intoned.

"Back to the future," Buffy suggested.

"Good movie, but the way they did time travel and changes to the time line made no sense," Chord offered, "still, I'd love to see it again if it was playing on the big screen."

"We can watch it at a movie theater I own," Xander offered.

"You have a movie theater?" Willow asked. "Wait I thought you were lost with the random jumping? As in can't find your way home lost?"

"Lost yes, but Sirius here is a wonderful wiz if ever a wiz there was," Xander grinned, "so he expanded the back seat of my magical dimensional jumping car into something about the size of Nevada and when we run into worlds where there has been some huge human wiping out event, we stock up on travel supplies."

"How does travel supplies equal a movie theater?" Giles asked.

"Well, there was all that empty space ..." Xander began.

"And it's not like zombies need them," Sirius finished.

"This I have to see," Chord said, standing up.

"We parked next to Giles' car," Xander said, getting to his feet.

"To the car!" Sirius announced, turning into a large black dog and running to the door where he pawed at it impatiently and whined to be let out.

"Did he just turn into a dog?" Buffy asked.

Xander nodded, "You know how they say inside everyone is an animal waiting to be unleashed? Well for Sirius that animal is a dog."

"Cool!" Chord chimed with a grin.

Xander opened the door for the impatient animagus who raced for the parking lot, eager to show off his work. He never got tired of wowing the natives, since he no longer had to put up with the secrecy statutes.

"That is one powerful wizard," Giles said, "I can't recall anyone who can pull off those feats without more than a simple wave of the hand being required. Is he always so cheerful?"

"What you've seen him do so far is nothing, most of his type of wizard learn to do that by fifteen," Xander said, "he spent most of his life in war fighting the Black Hats, he was betrayed and his Scoobs died," he explained sadly, knowing Giles would get what he meant, "he spent over a decade locked up for the betrayer's crimes without a trial for some very suspicious reasons on the side of the White Hats. The prison was something I wouldn't even wish on Angel when I hated him, that's how bad it was."

"So … not a big fan of Angel either?" Chord smirked as they walked down the hall.

"I did some research and he was a drunken womanizer when he was alive the first time," Xander explained, "I also don't think men in their mid-twenties should date high school girls and all of that is overlooking the fact that Angel is just haunting the demon possessed corpse of himself," since he couldn't exactly unburden himself to his girls at home, Xander took the opportunity to speak frankly. "Angelus was one of the worst Master vamps to come along in centuries and he reveled in rape, torture and murder. One of his ideas for a fun Saturday night was to rape, torture and murder children in front of their parents."

Willow shivered and Chord wrapped an arm around her.

"Angel isn't Angelus," Buffy said with some heat in her voice.

Xander continued as if Buffy hadn't spoken, "And then the gypsies cast a curse so black that no doubt whoever thought it up is no doubt burning in hell; they ripped Liam from the afterlife and shoved him into the vampire that had taken his place. A vampire who had done unspeakable things to his little sister, before killing her and all of it in front of Liam's mother so she would be forced to watch."

"Stop it," Buffy hissed, "that wasn't Angel you can't blame him for Angelus' crimes."

"And once again you've missed the point completely; why am I not surprised? Oh yeah, because I haven't finished what I was saying," Xander said bluntly.

"Now, as I mentioned before Liam was a drunken womanizer before his death, but in no way did it mean he deserved to be ripped from his final reward and inflicted with, not only the body and urges of a vampire, but the memories of one as well. It's not like you're watching a movie, it's like remembering having lunch. Liam remembers raping, torturing and killing the people that meant the most to him and he remembers how much he enjoyed it. In a way we are our memories, so he's been dealing with the guilt of what he thinks he's done even if he's innocent of the crime."

"I … I never thought of it that way," Giles said as the girls paled.

"Yeah," Xander said sadly, "I never claimed I liked the guy, but it's all I could do not to drive a stake through his heart out of pity. I'm actually more comfortable just being a prick to him and I'm pretty sure he prefers it that way, it's probably a guy thing that doesn't translate well across the gender barrier, but our emotional and physical needs are quite different from yours. So yeah, me annoying him makes him feel a hell of a lot better than giving him a hug and offering him a shoulder to cry on."

"I hear you," Chord said.

"Buffy sees it as some star crossed love affair like Romeo and Juliet with Angel as her soul mate," Xander continued bitterly, "but when I see him, I see a corpse stained in the blood of thousands of children, with a demon looking over its shoulder and making suggestions to the poor tormented soul inside, and to cap off the whole fucked up situation the only thing keeping his soul in place is an enormous amount of misplaced guilt. All it takes is a single moment of happiness where he forgets about the guilt for an instant and the curse is broken."

"That's horrible!" Willow cried. "Why would they do that?"

"There is a reason it's called a curse; it was designed to torture a demon with no concern for anyone else' pain, I know because my Buffy broke the curse and couldn't bring herself to stake Angelus until the numbers started closing in on triple digits and he'd managed to draw the sword from the demon Acathla so it would open a portal that would suck the whole world into hell."

"Oh god," Buffy said faintly.

"It gets worse too," Xander said, knowing that warning her now could prevent them all from suffering later.

"How could it get worse?" Buffy asked, plainly horrified.

"Because Angelus had murdered Giles' girlfriend and left her in his bed with a romantic backdrop of candles, wine and flowers, so Giles wouldn't know she was dead until he touched her. Later he kidnapped Giles and tortured him for information while you were lured off into a trap, despite everyone saying we should stick together."

"Yeah, she does that," Chord sighed.

"Well in this case, her being lured off is what allowed them to attack here, putting Willow into a coma, knocking Oz and me out and killing Kendra, while we were all unconscious. Buffy left after an argument with her mom, which resulted in Joyce saying if she left not to come back, just in time for the police to show up with Snyder and blame her for Kendra's death."

"Who are Oz and Kendra?" Giles asked.

"Oz is Willow's boyfriend, he's a pretty good guy except for three nights a month," Xander said.

"Three nights?" Chord broke in seeing a chance to lighten the mood, "you mean guys on your world have periods?"

Xander snickered. "Nah, he's a werewolf, he's the guitarist from the band Dingoes ate my Baby and goes to school here. He got bit and boom, three nights a month he's furry."

"See?" Buffy exclaimed, upset about upcoming events. "People around me aren't safe you should all stay away!"

"And a swing and a miss from little miss pouts a lot," Xander exclaimed, "news flash Buffster, the world doesn't revolve around you; nor do vampires and monsters avoid people you don't know. Oz became a werewolf because he was bitten by his cousin Jordy who was teething. You have nothing to do with the situation save to add drama for your whole pity me, I'm the chosen one spiel," Xander snorted.

Chord glared at him and opened her mouth but Xander stopped her, "Trust me, hell trust yourself – let me finish what I'm saying before you decide to rip me a new one."

Chord nodded and stepped back, clearly not in the least mollified, but willing to withhold judgment until he finished.

"Merrick told you that you were the one girl in all the world gifted with the speed and strength to fight vampires; but that's a lie and I'll prove it. Willow, Chord, how many vamps have you bagged?"

No one answered right away, but you could see the moment the truth hit them.

"I think it's supposed to be a metaphor and not taken literally," Giles suggested slowly, obviously not used to questioning the Council yet.

"Well, Buffy is a literal as well as a material girl," Xander said, "so by telling her what is essentially the Watcher party line, she thought she was the only person period. The truth is that there are tons of people fighting the good fight and quite a few aren't exactly human either. All over the Earth the fight is going on."

"So why does the Slayer have to fight and die alone?" Buffy asked in a small voice.

Xander sighed sadly and put a hand on her shoulder like he was imparting some great truth before he said dryly, "Because you're a blond."

He barely avoided her swing even as Chord laughed.

"Hey! You asked," Xander said, dodging an increasingly frustrated Slayer.

"Why can't I hit you?"

"Because since I started this trip I've been getting stronger and faster, but that's not important, back to why you have to die alone," Xander said seriously as Buffy calmed down, "partly it's because you're an idiot, you hear a prophecy that says you're going to die and instead of avoiding it you walk right the fuck into it! The only reason you're alive today is because someone, who shall remain nameless, made Angel take them to the Master's lair."

"Made him?" Buffy asked confused.

"Yeah, he's a bigger idiot than you are; he figured you were dead because prophecy is prophecy and he's generally a depressed mopey bastard anyway, so he was going to stay in and read a book while waiting for the Master to come and kill him. Fortunately someone here is a master of guilt-fu, having spent time with Willow's Nana. So a little talking and Angel was actually grateful for the change to charge off to his death just for the chance to help."

"And then?" Giles asked, wondering if it matched up with events here.

"And then Angel stood nearby while the heroic person gave Buffy CPR, and do you know what her first word was on waking up?" Xander asked.

"Angel," Chord said sourly.

"Yep," Xander added, "as far as Buffy was concerned he'd saved her, the fact that I'd had to threaten and guilt him and give her CPR meant nothing. Hell she never even said thank you, but she did use me as a stripper pole to make Angel jealous later."

Buffy's eyes darted over to Chord who nodded, making Buffy wince.

"Hey, what the hell kind of excuse is 'I have no breath' for not helping with the CPR? If he doesn't breath then how does he talk?"

"I can answer that one," Giles said, glad he could contribute something. "The only breath they have is the one they died with; no matter how much they breath in and out it's the same exact one. Some vampires have been known to use that as a means of killing someone. They look like they're kissing someone, but really they're breathing their last breath into them so when they step back and inhale the person's lungs collapse. It's where the phrase kiss of death originated."

"Cool, that actually makes me feel better about his part in things," Xander said, "but I'm ranting off topic. The Slayer was never meant to fight alone or to lead people; the Slayer was meant to be a rallying point for an army, the Slayer was supposed to be a peerless warrior who inspired others and cheered them on," he grinned.

Willow spoke up, "The Slayer is supposed to be a cheerleader?"

"Exactamundo," Xander grinned.

"B-but the Council's records …" Giles trailed off, not sure what to say.

"The Council are a bunch of morons, but you already knew that. It's because of them that new Slayers have to be called every six to eighteen months. Slayers always fight better when they have people to fight beside them, but the fight went underground and large scale battles became really rare, so the Council started using the Slayer in a covert ops position, which isn't their strong point. End result was a lot of dead Slayers in a short period of time and that really demoralized their forces, since Slayers were known for going through battle after battle without a scratch and now they were dropping like flies. So to keep from affecting morale the Slayer was ordered to work alone."

"That makes an odd sort of sense," Giles said thoughtfully, "I mean Buffy has done much better than any Slayer in the last couple of decades."

"The Slayer dreams were designed to show her the lives of the Slayers before her with glorious battles crushing demons like the hammer of god and dying of old age surrounded by grand kids, although many of the last scenes also happened in battle as the Slayer's children were almost always naturals at demon hunting. Unfortunately under the Council's direction the Slayer dreams now show nothing more than Slayers dying alone in the dark. So that pretty much became their new goal and probably explains why Buffy has a Pavlovian response to traps anyway," Xander finished.

"Pavlovian?" Buffy asked, just before Chord could.

"Russian guy found you could get dogs to drool by ringing a bell, if you usually gave them meat after each time you rang it, so it became an ingrained response," Xander explained quickly before Giles or Willow could, since their explanations always took too long and were much too wordy for his tastes.

"Cool, I actually got that," Chord said.

Giles nodded. "Well if he's you, then his explanations would be perfect for your understanding."

"Who is Kendra and who did Giles end up dating?" Willow asked, being used to Xander's or rather Chord's habit of wandering off topic.

"Kendra is the Slayer who was called when Buffy drowned," Xander explained, "she was raised by the Council and is way different than Buffy."

"Another Slayer has been called? Why wasn't I notified?" Giles asked, "And how are there two Slayers? And how in the world do you know all this? I mean the origin of the Slayer line was lost to the ages."

"Another Slayer was called because Buffy briefly died, as in heart stopped beating. But since no Xan … Chor …" Xander scratched his head and then grinned, "Because us Willow named refuse to let our friends die."

Chord grinned. "Willow named, I like that."

Willow blushed.

"And as to why you weren't told, I did mention the Council is populated entirely by morons, right?"

Sirius who had been sitting in dog form unnoticed while Xander spoke decided to add his two cents, turning back from a dog he quickly jumped in, "As to how Xander knew ... well, it's a pretty seedy tale."

Sighing mournfully Sirius drew everyone's attention to him. "I don't know if I can say what he did for that information without breaking down, so I'll simply cast an illusion of the events," he said, waving his hand and causing an ancient Grecian city to grow up around them.

It was midday and the sun beat down on the olive skinned natives, who walked past the two strangers who had taken residence on the street of gods, one standing in plain sight and the other hanging back in the shadows, where it was cooler.

Xander Harris posed and flexed his olive oil coated body, attracting many admiring looks, as all his body hair below his eyes had been removed to help draw attention to his rippling muscles, that he modeled in his extremely short toga.

A stunning blond haired woman with an impressive rack glided forward to speak to the man in the shadows, "How much?"

"For the secrets of the Slayer line and 50 denarii you can have him until nightfall," Sirius swore, the sun glaring off the massive gold jewelry he wore as he stepped out of the shadows, decked out in a purple velvet toga.

As the illusion faded everyone turned to Xander who blushed. "It wasn't like that at all!" he denied hotly.

Sirius tried to keep a straight face but couldn't, so he buried his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking like he was crying, but was actually from suppressed laughter.

Chord knew Sirius was just screwing with them, but couldn't resist stepping forward to tease herself/himself, 'Well it's just too good a joke to pass up.'

"It's okay," Chord said softly, putting a hand on Xander's shoulder before she leaned into him and murmured, "I got twenty burning a hole in my pocket and know the secret identities of half the DC Universe off the top of my head, so why don't we go back to my place and you can show me exactly where the bad lady touched you."

Willow eeped and she and Buffy turned red, while Giles stammered and looked away.

Xander rallied, used to sparring with Cordelia and finding Chord … let's just say she really struck a chord with him, "Well I got fifty and know half of Marvel as well," he said leaning in and reflexively using the techniques he'd developed specifically to drive Cordelia wild.

Jaws dropped as Xander very successfully turned the tables on Chord, but it didn't look like either one planned on stopping any time soon.

Sirius fell over, unable to stop himself from laughing any longer and Willow started kicking him and yelling at him for turning her best friend into a hooker.

"Which one is she talking about?" Buffy asked Giles.

"No idea, and I'm not sure she knows either."

Sirius finally got Willow to stop by returning to dog form and turning the puppy dog eyes on her.

Willow couldn't bring herself to kick an animal and sighed before turning and noticing the two were still in a very heated embrace.

She tried to separate them. "Whoa, hands in new places!" Willow called out as the two reluctantly separated after tossing a few gropes her way and the two looked completely unrepentant about that part.

"Was there any validity to Mr. Black's illusion, Mr. Harris?"

Xander shrugged. "A small bit, I asked a favor of fair Aphrodite and she did request love as the coin of payment, but it was nothing like that."

"You had sex with an elder goddess to learn the secrets of the Slayer line?" Buffy asked bluntly.

"Nope, I loved her, but no sex was involved," Xander swore.

"How does that work?" Buffy asked confused.

Xander shrugged and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Buffy and simply held her.

Buffy had been tense and ready to twist some joints if Xander's hands wandered anywhere they shouldn't, but after a second or two she relaxed, as he seemed content to simply hold her, as if he had nothing better to do in all of existence than cradle her in his arms.

Even Sirius was quiet while they watched a blissful smile form on Buffy's face as all the stress and worry she'd carried in her expression and posture were washed away.

"How is he doing that?" Giles asked, "come to think of it, what is he doing exactly?"

"You know how some people can heal with a touch?" Sirius asked.

"Holy men and warriors blessed by god," Giles agreed, "though they are exceedingly rare."

"Well Xander doesn't do that exactly, he simply hugs someone and it's like years of counseling from a mind healer in just a few seconds," Sirius said with a bit of wonder in his tone, "I can't tell you how broken I was when he found me, I was so twisted around I looked like I was facing the right way again and I spent a most of my time either joking around or in dog form, so I wouldn't have to deal with things. I swear there were times we both forgot I was human and he treated me like a normal dog. Turns out petting a dog or scratching it behind the ears is the canine equivalent of hugging and once I was healed he took me home," Sirius grinned.

"Yes, I believe there was a mention of a dimensional jumping car and being lost," Giles nodded.

"It's a DeLorean isn't it?" Willow asked excitedly, "that would be so cool to see."

Sirius grinned and gestured toward Buffy and Xander making them float. "The only way the car could be any cooler would be if it were made of ice," he declared leading the three toward the door, Buffy and Xander floating after them.

"How long are they going to keep doing that?" Giles asked as they exited the building.

"Until she decides to stop," the mage replied, "and since she seems a bit nuts, no offense, from the amount of crap that life has thrown at her, I suspect they'll be like that for hours."

"So, where is it?" Willow asked avidly, looking around for some fancy futuristic magic car.

"Right here," Sirius said, pointing at an old black convertible.

"Cool," Chord breathed in awe.

"What am I missing?" Giles asked, wondering what cultural significance it had to make Chord fall for it when she always made fun of Giles' classic car.

"Huh," Willow said confused, "I don't get it either."

"It's a 1974 Chevy Nova convertible," Chord said reverently, "it was made with the intention of lasting, unlike the 'replace every year' model that are all you can buy these days. I've always wanted one."

"I'm sure Xander will get you one if you want," Sirius said.

"So what mods does she have?" Chord asked, not paying attention before explaining what mods meant to Sirius.

"Well, we've warded it from seven ways from Sunday, with me doing my type of magic and some other odds and ends we've run across and Xander engraving runes damn near everywhere," Sirius grinned.

"That explains the exterior," Giles said, "not a scratch or ding to be seen. I've just about given up on getting a matching touch up paint for mine."

Sirius whipped out his wand and tapped Giles' car, muttering something in Latin that Giles didn't catch.

The effect was instantaneous, the car collapsed into a pile of sand, metal flakes and automotive fluids.

Everyone stared in shock.

"Oops?" Sirius said apologetically. "Xander did warn me about the Hellmouth affecting magic … but I forgot. I'll replace it."

"What were you trying to do?" Giles asked cautiously.

"A simple repair spell," Sirius replied, "it should have made your car like new."

"It did," Willow said making everyone look at her like she was crazy, "the car is now what it was way before it was made."

"Ah..." went the chorus as they saw what she meant.

"So, I overcharged the spell out the wazoo. I'll have to be a lot more careful and just use wandless spells then," Sirius said.

"What's the difference?" Willow asked.

"The wand focuses my power and gives me more control, casting wandless requires more concentration and power which is almost ideal in this situation," he replied.

Sirius suddenly turned around and glared. "Come on out or I'm sending a legion of carnivorous smurfs in after you."

Angel stepped out of the darkness. "Carnivorous smurfs?"

"Angel," Giles nodded to the souled vamp, "he tends to lurk in the dark but generally it's for good reason."

"Ah," Sirius nodded, having heard of the vamp and his actions, "well, try to stay unhappy."

"Okay..." Angel said slowly, wondering what was going on. "Why are Buffy and Alex hugging?"

"You want to know why they're hugging, but not why they're floating?" Chord asked, rolling her eyes.

"Well, from what happened to Giles' car and being threatened with smurfs, I'm guessing he's a mage. However the two of them hugging is really hard to figure out," Angel explained.

"He's a male counterpart to me, who is healing her mental problems," Chord explained.

"Are you sure?" Angel asked worriedly, trying to figure out the best way to separate Buffy from whatever that was, because now that he was closer he could smell it wasn't exactly human, just in case it turned out to be hostile.

"Don't try anything," Sirius warned him, "the last vampire Xander hit didn't really enjoy the experience, or survive it for that matter."

"I have a hard time believing Alex err Chord err Xander could kill a vampire just by hitting him. What did he hit him with?" Willow asked.

"A car," Xander said, causing Buffy to giggle, showing they were both paying at least a little attention to those around them.

"Okay, now that I could believe," Angel said, trying to bury any jealousy he had from seeing Buffy happy in someone else's arms.

"Yeah, he rarely shows off, but that vamp pissed him off so much that Xander picked up a car and hit him with it," Sirius explained.

"Emo vamps stalking underage girls piss me off, but him sparkling in the sunlight was the final straw," Xander snorted.

"Wiped out the whole lot of them," Sirius agreed.

"What is he?" Angel asked, looking at Xander.

Sirius shrugged. "My friend and probably a demigod, descended from Aphrodite."

"I'm a follower, not her actual kid... Though Eros would be a cool brother to have," Xander said thoughtfully. "As for the rest, other than the blessings all love's worshipers receive, they developed after leaving the Hellmouth, so Chord could develop them after she left for a while too, or it could be traveling through dimensions that does it or it could be something else altogether."

"I've grown ridiculously powerful magically," Sirius offered, "but that could be because of passing through the Veil of Death." Opening the back door of Xander's car he stepped in, followed by everyone else.

Giles was the first one to recover his voice as they stared around in awe, "Is that the Statue of Liberty and the Washington Monument?"

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**

**AN2: Why the Washington Monument? What else was big enough for the Statue of Liberty to use as a stripper pole?**


	40. Chapter 40

**Her Mission**

**How Mindy got Marcus to allow her to continue fighting crime as Hit Girl. **

"For some reason I don't think Marcus likes me," Dave said as he and Mindy watched a darkened warehouse though a pair of military spec night vision goggles.

"It's because I told him we're having sex," Mindy replied.

"What?"

"Shhh!" Mindy shushed him.

"He's going to kill me isn't he?" Dave asked with all the calm of a death row inmate who's made his peace with death.

"I had to tell him something; you know how he feels about all this superhero shit and last week I came back with some bruises on my neck."

"And the first thing that popped out of your mouth was Dave's feeding me his sausage?"

Mindy giggled, for once sounding exactly like the 12 year old girl she was. "Actually the first thing out of my mouth was 'they're hickies'."

"Okay that's understandable but what's not understandable is how you went from hickies to 'I'm riding Dave's baloney pony'."

"Stop with the euphemisms," she said, trying to force herself not to laugh.

"Your secret weakness is sexual euphemisms?" Dave asked in disbelief.

"No, but let me finish my story. He knew the only person I go out with is you, so first he gets all overprotective and asks me if you forced me to do anything-"

"He does know you can kick my ass right?" Dave interrupted.

Mindy laughed so hard tears came to her eyes. "I t-told him that whenever we sparred I'd take you down and force you to eat c-carpet," Mindy said in between laughs.

Dave groaned. "So he thinks we're in some sort of kinky sadomasochistic relationship and I'm the bitch?"

"Well I am a deeply troubled young girl," Mindy reminded him.

"He took me aside to remind me of that fact before we left," Dave said shaking his head, "and I told him that I liked you just the way you are."

"You really said that?" Mindy interrupted quietly.

"Yeah I did," Dave said, "you're my best friend and I like you just the way you are."

Mindy blushed and looked away, pretending to study the warehouse.

"Of course I probably overdid it when I told him I'd do whatever it took to put a smile on your face… even if just for a couple of minutes."

"Think we should tell him the truth?" Mindy asked once they'd both stopped laughing.

"At this point I'm pretty sure it'd be easier and less stressful on all three of us," he replied.

"Speak for yourself," Mindy smirked, "apparently I've got a dedicated carpet munching bitch who'll do anything to make me smile; I'm sitting pretty."

"On my face," he reminded her.

"Which apparently you're so-so at."

"WHAT?"

"If you were doing it right I should still be smiling hours later not just minutes," Mindy complained.

"I'll schedule more practice time with Kate," Dave promised.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Mindy teased.

"Any time," Dave replied.

0oOo0

**The next day...**

"So you two aren't in a sexual relationship?" Marcus asked, making sure he got it right.

"Not remotely," Dave answered and Mindy nodded.

"You're both just dressing up and fighting crime?"

"Exactly," Mindy replied.

"Oh thank god!" Marcus burst out.

0oOo0

**Later that night...**

"Do you think it's strange he prefers me out fighting crime to banging you?" Mindy asked as they watched a crack dealer peddle his wares.

Dave shrugged. "I'm pretty sure Kate's father would prefer she was fighting crime to banging me too."

"Men have strange priorities."

"It's something about protecting young females encoded in our genes."

"Yeah? So would you rather me off having sex or fighting crime?"

"You're my partner, doing this solo sucks!" Dave said loyally.

"Sounds like sex to me," Mindy snickered.

Dave laughed, "And much like with you when I wrestle with Kate I wind up eating carpet."

**AN: Just a quick scene on why Marcus would allow Mindy to continue being Hit Girl. Typed by Godgma!**


	41. Chapter 41

**A Little Help**

**Cue road trip fic: canon start.**

**Road scene: strip club, Oxnard California. **

**Load Scene: Xander called to stage to replace injured dancer.**

"I can do this," Xander told himself just before he vanished in a flash of light.

The owner sighed when she couldn't find him and sent the suddenly healed dancer up on stage; she'd really been looking forward to seeing him strip.

Finding himself in a tube staring out at a Roswell gray Xander said the first thing that came to mind, "Thank you!"

0oOo0

**One week later … **

SG1 moved forward quietly, they had sensor blocking gear on they were testing for Anise so they had no idea if it was effective or not.

"Are you sure we have these things on right?" Jack whispered to Sam.

"Probably sir," Sam replied with a shrug, they'd put them on themselves and she'd had to guess about the proper connections in several cases.

Testing … stealing … errr borrowing, it all amounted to the same thing in Jack's opinion.

Danny slid up to the door and began rapidly entering a series of codes Thor had given them to no effect.

Teal'c pushed on the door and it swung open.

Daniel blushed as Teal'c raised an eyebrow in that way he did when he found something amusing.

0oOo0

Loki checked his instruments again and found everything to be proceeding as expected.

A naked human male floated inside an upright tube in the center of the lab, most of his form shrouded in white mist.

Loki hit a button and there was a slight hissing noise as the tube slowly bled off pressure, filling the lab with fog.

SG1 slipped into the lab completely unnoticed as Loki was absorbed in examining the data.

"Freeze!" Jack ordered.

Finding himself covered by four different weapons Loki raised his hands.

"Loki?" Jack asked cautiously as the fog thinned out and he found himself staring at a slender naked man with black hair.

"Yes?" Loki asked politely but with a trace of a smirk on his lips.

SG1 stared, they'd been expecting Loki to look just like he had the last time they'd seen him. Just like any other Asgardian – like a midget Roswell gray with a bigger head.

This Loki, while still gray skinned, looked significantly different; he was just over five feet tall with a full head of raven hair and noticeable muscles, his head still looked a bit large for his body and his eyes were large pools of black that wouldn't have looked out of place on an anime character.

"You did it!" Sam said stunned, "you actually managed to fix the cellular degeneration problem."

"That still doesn't excuse you for kidnapping someone to use as a guinea pig!" Jack quickly broke in, having been one of Loki's unwilling test subjects himself and still a bit pissed about it.

The tube in the center of the room retracted into the ceiling, leaving a naked Xander to blink sleep from his eyes.

"Kid, you okay?" Jack called out, not moving his gun from Loki.

"Fine but confused," Xander replied as he looked around the lab.

"He kept you unconscious the entire time, huh?" Jack asked.

Xander's brow wrinkled in confusion. "What I'm confused about is the sudden appearance of a bunch of armed US soldiers when I know for a fact we're nowhere near Earth. Well, that and how the bald guy got a solid gold tattoo on his forehead. Bet that hurt like hell."

"You weren't kidnapped?" Daniel asked.

"Nope."

"Well he's still an escaped prisoner," Jack declared firmly.

"Considering he's turned over a new leaf and solved his people's biggest problem by doing so I doubt that'll be the case for long as he has no reason to return to that behavior."

SG1 relaxed but kept their weapons out.

"We still have to take him into custody and return you home," Jack said.

"May I ask why you are both naked?" Sam spoke up before Xander could say anything.

"Don't ask, don't tell," Xander replied with a grin.

Loki sighed. "If only your sense of humor had evolved with the rest of you."

Xander laughed and Jack had to force himself not to join in.

"Seriously, why aren't you wearing clothes?" Daniel asked.

"My people have evolved beyond the need for clothes," Loki said.

"That was before the return of external genitalia," Jack deadpanned, "do you mind putting something on?"

Loki concentrated for a minute and SG1 stared as he suddenly became as genderless as a manikin.

"Ummm," Sam said, not exactly sure how to phrase what she wanted to ask.

"We Asgardian's can change sex at will, often taking a neutral form for when we wish to concentrate on a problem," Loki explained.

Everyone switched their gaze to Xander.

"I am the King of No Pants," Xander replied solemnly, crossing his arms across his chest.

0oOo0

"Why couldn't he be the King of Pants?" Jack muttered as he went through the Star Gate.

"I feel like I just got flushed down the universe's toilet," Xander said, looking a little pale as he stumbled down the ramp.

"You get used to it," Jack replied.

"I don't wanna get used to it, I wanna never do it again," Xander replied, ignoring the number of armed soldiers with weapons half raised scattered around the gate room.

"Is there a reason you've brought a pair of naked people through the gate?" General Hammond asked.

"Loki says he's evolved beyond the need for clothes," Jack replied, "and his majesty insists he's the King of No Pants."

General Hammond began rubbing his temples.

"We've never made a big deal about Asgardian's being nude before and Loki was kind enough to shift to a gender neutral form," Sam pointed out.

"And the King?" Hammond asked.

"Has no clothes," Xander replied, "I was naked when I was kidnapped."

"I thought Loki didn't kidnap you?" Jack asked intently.

"He didn't, you did."

"What?"

"A bunch of armed people burst into the lab and say we're coming with them, tell me how that's not kidnapping."

"We couldn't just abandon someone from Earth in one of Loki's labs," Jack protested.

"And when did anyone ask where I was from? Just because I know a lot about Earth and have chosen a Californian accent doesn't mean I'm from there. Have you even bothered to ask what species I am?" Xander asked, his pupils lengthening until it looked like he had cat's eyes.

Several of the guards nervously raised their weapons.

"Stand down," Hammond ordered them. "I'm sorry for the mix up, your majesty. Is there any way we can make it up to you?"

"Mistakes happen," Xander admitted. "I'd like to stay until my friend is picked up by his people if you don't mind, not because I don't trust you'll deliver him unharmed to his people, but because he is my friend."

"I don't have a problem with it, but we do have security concerns and I doubt our guest quarters are up to your standards," Hammond warned.

"I don't expect to find a null gravity bedchamber and personal atmosphere controls, a cot and whatever food is common here is fine. I didn't earn my title by being weak after all," Xander said, deciding to play a role from one of the many legends Loki had told him of.

"Delphi," Anise breathed as she stared at Xander in shock.

"You know of our guest?" Hammond asked.

"Legends and rumors, very little concrete knowledge," Anise said, never taking her eyes off Xander.

"I've heard they prefer their own company for the most part, and they try to blend in with local cultures when their paths do cross," Xander explained.

"They prefer space to planets and have modified their own DNA and continue to do so each year, if a ship disappears completely with no trace ever found it's said to have been taken by them," Anise explained.

"Pirates?" Jack asked.

"Hardly," Xander snorted, "but if someone attacks them they give no quarter or mercy. They never forget an insult or injury, but neither do they forget a favor done them or ignore a call for help. Anyone they help get back to port knows the cost is silence about their presence and to help others if they're ever in a position to do so."

"And you claim to be the King of No Pants?" Jack asked.

Xander nodded to Anise rather than answer.

"Is there a King of Pants?" she asked intently trying to fit the legends to the man in front of her.

Xander didn't answer but his smile grew.

"The quality of your ships and genetic manipulation abilities are supposed to be unmatched, but you don't seek control over others and even in the legends your people are noted for being quite light hearted. The King of Pants would be the Chief Engineer for your people. While the King of No Pants would be the Chief Geneticist..." her voice trailed off.

"And who better to help Loki solve his people's genetic problem," Sam finished.

"Of course the morals of his people would mean the person asking for help would have to test it on himself and by doing so would become someone they respect," Daniel said thoughtfully, "as he'd be following the ways of their people."

"And if one were to accept a portion of the hypothetical person's DNA to be grafted into the person as their own?" Xander asked, neither confirming nor denying anything.

"A culture like described …" Daniel said thoughtfully, "it'd be like adoption at most, blood brothers at the very least."

"Blood brother probably means a lot more to me than it does to you," Xander said thoughtfully, "but like I said they try and blend in, they prefer there be no records of their presence or so I hear."

"I suppose we can skip guesses of who you are in the records," Jack said, "since you've gone out of your way to neither confirm nor deny anything."

Xander just smiled, amused at how thoroughly they'd spun their own story out of an offhand joke of his and a whiff of a legend.

0oOo0

"Have I thanked you lately?" Loki asked as they ate stew in the cafeteria.

"For being able to eat stew?" Xander replied with a grin, since Loki was really enjoying how his new body handled human cooking.

"That too," Loki agreed, "I mean for trusting me when you had no reason to and helping to save my entire race from extinction."

"Several times, but I'm sure you'd have found the answer within three to five years on your own."

"To the degeneration problem yes, but you also provided the solution to the replicator problem."

"More like my almost identical twin did."

"Still if it hadn't been for your ideas we wouldn't be where we are today."

"Locked up?" Xander asked innocently.

Loki chuckled.

**AN: This is actually another part of 4play from a bit further down the timeline. **

**AN2: And typing by Godogma who does good work, when not giggling like a lunatic.**


	42. Chapter 42

**Copyright Infringement Alt (The PPG Alternate!)**

Bubbles beamed at him and took his hand leading him out the door. "I'm thinking breakfast; me, you, some pancakes and maple syrup."

"Hey!" Blossom complained, hurrying out the door to join them, "no syrupy Xander without me being there to enjoy it!"

Everyone turned wide eyed to Buttercup. "What? I'll wait until they wear themselves out competing for his attention and then swoop in and grab him."

Everyone turned to Jonathan who shrugged. "Don't look at me; I gave them your DNA and memories as well as a way to transfer memories back and forth, what they do with them is their decision."

Cordelia was glaring at Buttercup.

Buttercup shook her head. "Don't glare at me, you had your chance. You've done a hell of a lot worse things than he did to boys you've dated and didn't risk your life to save theirs either remember, I have all your memories and perfect recall."

"Well … shit!" Cordelia declared finally, startling Willow and Buffy.

"I also know your real reasons, so I can't really fault you, but I don't share them," Buttercup said firmly, "now stop frowning before you get wrinkles, we've got three houses to look at today and I need to know which one you prefer before we buy it."

"House?" Cordelia asked, wondering where that came from but glad for the distraction.

"Yeah, well actually a mansion, triplex, and a closed down arcade. Our parents suck and we Chase girls have to stick together so I'm inviting my sister to leave the den of jackals we call family and move in with us girls," Buttercup said, not mentioning the problems they both knew the Chase's were having with the IRS.

"Where did you get the money?" Buffy asked Jonathan.

Jonathan shrugged. "Don't look at me."

Buttercup looked over at Buffy. "Asking me is generally the quickest way to get an answer."

"You guys have only been out a couple of hours, shouldn't any money you get have come from Jonathan?"

Buttercup nodded, seeing Buffy's point of view and seeing she hadn't been trying to slight her. "We had connections to the internet long before our bodies were finished; Blossom sold some utilities she developed, Bubbles designed some websites and I surfed for porn."

"Surfed for porn?" Cordelia asked doubtfully.

Buttercup shrugged. "Something about web surfing always leads to porn, its distracting as hell so I surfed for porn and sent the links to Blossom and Bubbles whenever they were finished with whatever they were working on for the day. The guarantee of porn at the end of the work day made the work go by quicker and got rid of the urge to search for it themselves."

"You have even less tact than me," Cordy said.

"Comes from living in near constant telepathic communication with two other girls," she replied unconcerned. "I'm used to sharing everything between the three of us and as far as I'm concerned you're one of us."

Cordelia beamed a 100% radiant smile at her sister. "So why an arcade, how do you mean share everything and am I included in the sharing?"

"The arcade was one of the fun land types with a pool and a go-cart track among other things; building rooms to our exact specifications would be fun, and the size of the place is enormous for the money. I mean just what you think I mean and yes," Buttercup smirked, "since Xander is being pushed out of here we're giving him a new group to join and hunt vamps with."

"You can't do that!" Buffy burst out, "he's supposed to stay away from the slaying, not start a new group."

Buttercup shrugged. "That's up to us, what with being human and free will and all, besides if you really believe that he'd ever give up the fight … well I'd be tempted to start making blond jokes."

"He had a quiet night last night and that's the way it'll stay!" Buffy declared firmly.

Buttercup smirked and the library's computer started playing a video clip with Buttercup's voice doing the narrating.

"And here we see one Xander Harris saving one Faith the Vampire Slayer by the novel use of a car as a weapon. We could go into detail on his nightly exploits but let's just hit the highlights."

The video showed an average of two seconds of him fighting each zombie using traffic cams, school surveillance cams and finally a hidden camera in the basement.

"I like the quiet," Xander said, standing between the zombie Jack O'Toole and the exit with a bomb ticking away in plain sight.

"And thus endeth the lesson, you can't force him to stop because good old Harris luck will ensure he lives in interesting times, all you can really do is force him to go it alone. At least you could've before we got here, we'll make sure he's never alone and has a group that believes in loyalty with him."

"You can't steal Xander!" Buffy cried in horror.

Buttercup just smirked. "It's not stealing when you pick up something that someone else has thrown away."

"I … we …" Buffy stuttered, not quite sure what to say.

The computer played a series of clips from first person views of Buffy, Willow and Cordelia of Xander saving them and then times when they saved him as he smiled and thanked them.

"A lot of times you'd be dead without him, and a lot of times he'd be dead without you; yeah, throwing away that kind of loyalty is about as stupid as you can get."

"Loyalty!" Buffy shouted. "He'll come back to us because of loyalty!"

"You threw his loyalty in his face," Buttercup pointed out as Faith came stumbling in, "and he still saved all your lives in the basement with the bomb but we're going to give him people to be loyal to that will be loyal to him as well."

Faith blinked, now wide awake after the mention of the bomb.

"Plus we can give him something you can't," Buttercup smirked.

"What could you possibly give him that we can't?" Willow demanded, realizing how close she'd come to losing her closest friend a dozen times last night.

The computer showed Bubbles, Blossom and Xander being thrown out of a Waffle Hut their clothing in disarray.

Everyone fell silent.

"See?" Buttercup said, "we are upgraded versions of three girls he loves so he won't even miss you and we're willing to do whatever it takes to keep him happy."

"I didn't realize he'd saved your life so many times before I'd joined," Oz said.

"And did you see how many times we saved his?" Buffy pointed out.

"How many times was it him you had to save because otherwise he'd be saving you?" Buttercup asked in a zen voice.

"Okay, enough moping about; we have to check the arcade's go-cart track out and the other two places," Buttercup said, clearly favoring the arcade.

"Go-carts?" Faith asked, sounding interested.

"Wanna come?" Buttercup asked as she held the door for Cordelia.

"Sure," Faith shrugged, glad she was avoiding cleaning with the others and wanting a chance to race go-carts.

Jonathan started to collect the discarded armor when Buffy and Willow rounded on him, "What did you program them to do?" Buffy demanded.

"Nothing," Jonathan said fearlessly, but slightly annoyed that he was probably going to end up bruised by the volatile girls.

"Then why would my clone be going after Xander?" Buffy demanded shrilly.

"Because she's smarter than you," he replied bluntly making everyone else wince.

"What?"

"Bubbles has all your memories and remembers things you've forgotten or never noticed and has discussed them in detail with her sisters as well as having done the same with her sisters memories. She has essentially lived all three lives and gone through therapy for it. Because what is therapy besides discussing your life and figuring things out?"

"Wow," Willow said stunned, "she has the combined knowledge and wisdom of all three of us and it's greater than the sum of its parts."

Jonathan nodded, "And that is without factoring in cyborg additions that allow them to learn at paces no human can match so they are all smarter and wiser than the originals but still have the same motivations, or mostly the same. Cordelia wants to be an actress while Buttercup would rather be a director and do some acting here and there for fun."

"And they all three have fixated on Xander? Why?" Buffy demanded.

"You can't know everything about someone without either loving or hating them, the three love each other," he declared firmly, "I'm letting you know this so you'll understand a bit more about where they're coming from."

"They're gay?" Willow burst out.

"Bi actually," Jonathan disagreed, "they also want a man in their life and kids at some point. They compared memories about men they knew and dug up all the information they could before finally agreeing that Xander was the logical choice. Admittedly they all three chose Xander before they had a study to prove he was the perfect choice so they probably fudged the facts a little."

"And what's wrong with Angel?" Buffy demanded.

"Ghost inhabiting a demon infested corpse," he replied just as bluntly as before, "can't have kids and a moment of happiness leads to death and destruction; that's a complete no brainer."

Willow quickly jumped in so Buffy wouldn't kill him, "And Oz?"

"Lycanthropy isn't really a big problem for them although that has raised some questions on the possibility of their children having it, the main two problems they talked about was his mistress; music and him being able to love all three of them," Jonathan explained.

Oz nodded, "I generally see music on the sly. I don't have enough passion for more than two women in my life."

Everyone shared a laugh even though they suspected that Oz was being serious.

"They needed someone they could love who could love all three of them and accept who they are; Xander may not be number one in a lot of the categories used to judge prospective partners but he's always been in the top ten and he's off the charts in terms of heart."

There was silence for a moment before Buffy finally spoke up, "I just can't see myself falling for him."

"Yep and without years of therapy you probably wouldn't," Jonathan agreed.

"What?"

"Remember, Bubbles is you without mental problems."

"What the hell does that mean?"

Jonathan decided that getting into that subject was a fast way to a world of pain. "You'll have to ask her, at any rate does anyone still have a problem seeing why they chose him now?"

"I suppose it makes sense," Willow admitted, while the guys stayed out of it and Buffy glared at a wall.

0oOo0

"I can't believe you guys got us thrown out of the Waffle House," Xander groaned but was unable to stop snickering.

"Then you should have been a bit quieter," Bubbles teased.

"Yeah, you act like you've never had two women molest you with pancake toppings before," Blossom added.

Xander laughed, "I think I'd remember if that had happened, hell I'd remember even if I only dreamed it."

"Well get ready for your life to exceed your dreams then mister!" Blossom said firmly.

"So, why me?" Xander asked.

"Anything Buffy, Willow and Cordelia knew about you we know; anything they felt about you we felt," Bubbles replied.

Xander winced. "That seems like it would make you avoid me rather than glue yourselves to me with maple syrup."

"Well we aren't them; we know all the good and the bad things about you and the good outweighs the bad. The problems they had with you aren't ones we share," Blossom said with a grin.

"The biggest problem was your inability to love one of the three over the others; not only don't we have a problem with that, we want that!" Bubbles said, laying her head on his shoulder.

"You want me to love all three of you?" Xander asked numbly.

"Yep, if you love one of us you have to love the other two because we come as a set," Blossom said then grinned evilly, "especially if you get the timing right."

Xander made some inarticulate sounds but the girls just laughed and pulled him onward.

After a few minutes Xander spoke, "But I love Buffy, Willow and Cordelia, so even if I fall in love with you three I'll still love them causing even more problems because even more girls are involved now."

"Nah, we understand and care for them too, we know them too well not to. Us Powerpuff Girls come as a set but we have no problem bringing in Daphne, Scooby and Velma if they want to join or even if you want to spend time alone with one of them," Blossom said.

"Don't think it's likely, but we have looked at the possibility of it happening; we love you and unless you've changed drastically since a couple of hours ago you are going to fall in love with us," Bubbles added.

"How can you be sure?" Xander asked plaintively.

"Because it's your nature, and as long as you come home to us at the end of the day we'll all be happy," Bubbles assured him.

"Home?"

"Yep," Blossom replied, "Buttercup just let us know that she bought it, Cordelia and Faith came along to look and agreed that it was a great deal. They'll probably move in with us, Faith immediately and Cordelia after we renovate and do some remodeling."

"Cordelia is really pissed at me and Faith …" Xander blushed.

"Cordelia is over it and Faith has issues," Bubbles said bluntly.

"Pretend it never happened and you should be good," Blossom assured him.

"I have no idea how you'd get Cordelia over her problems with me so fast, I guess Buttercup has the inside track with her but how do you know how Faith will respond?" He asked.

"Slayer responses and a whole lot of online site courses," Bubbles replied, "if you could avoid showing any memory or knowledge of sleeping with her including awkwardness she'll get over things quickly."

"If I can do it for the hyena incident I can do it for that," Xander said, feeling better about things.

"You remember the hyena incident?" the two girls chorused.

Xander groaned, he just assumed they'd know everything from the way they'd managed to put things together.

"Willow was pretty tore up for a couple of days but seeing you take out the zookeeper while possessed pretty much made up for everything as far as she was concerned. Buffy however …" Bubbles trailed off.

Xander winced, remembering what he'd almost done to Buffy.

"Almost masturbated her fingers to the bone over that memory," Blossom finished, "hell she still uses that memory every couple of weeks or so if things get a little stressful."

0oOo0

"I wonder if we could actually run it during the weekends or something?" Cordelia said thoughtfully.

"That's not a bad idea," Buttercup replied, "a traceable cash flow always makes the authorities feel better and it'll give the teens a new place to hang out that we can make very unfriendly to vamps."

"So, what's the what?" Faith asked.

"I'm a clone of Cordelia with cybernetic upgrades that make me the equal of a slayer, my two sisters who were cloned from Buffy and Willow have taken Xander out for pancakes and foreplay while me and Cordelia see about buying a place to live."

"Seriously?" Faith asked.

Cordelia nodded, "Jonathan said he needed our DNA to check against his and Xander's to make sure they didn't turn into fish but he might use it to make super women if he figured out how; he figured out how. Buttercup is me with some aftermarket add ons. She also had her cheekbones raised and chose to get blue eyes."

"Tell me I don't look gorgeous like that."

Faith looked closely at Buttercup, comparing her to Cordelia. "Man, she looks even more like a princess than you do!"

Cordelia grinned.

"Thanks!" Buttercup replied, beaming at her, "of the three choices we're probably going to go with the arcade; it has more room for the money and fun stuff to play with."

They hopped in Cordelia's car with Buttercup riding shotgun and giving directions, it only took a couple of minutes for them to reach Neverland Arcade.

The normally carefully trimmed bushes surrounding the place had grown out of control, completely surrounding the property like the vines in Sleeping Beauty.

"The words 'holy shit' really don't do it justice," Faith said looking at the wall of greenery blocking their way.

"We're going to need Blossom," Buttercup decided, "I'm okay with the mojo but she's got a flair for it."

"We could go get some chainsaws," Faith suggested.

Cordelia snorted, "I wouldn't get near that with flamethrowers, no way is that natural. If Blossom is mojo girl I say we let her do her thing."

A bird flew near the hedge and was caught by a limb and sucked in with a squawk as all three stared wide eyed.

"Good call," Faith breathed.

"I think we should back up a bit," Cordelia said, putting the car in reverse.

The wall of greenery rushed at them, swallowing the car and pulling back a moment later revealing an empty road.

**AN:Typing by Godogma **

**AN2:I thought this was a bit too overdone and rushed, thus I went in another direction with Copyright Infringement. **


	43. Chapter 43

**Webs **

**AN:I have no idea why I gave it this title.**

Xander watched the sunrise and thought about how the night's events had gone; he'd taken out an entire gang of zombies, and not just brainless ones along with a couple of the blue girls, all the while trying to get help from his friends, who brushed him off.

Man, he'd really done a fine job of screwing up his relationships with the gang; he'd alienated Buffy just by his attitude toward the corpse she was dating, his cheating with Willow was a three for one, screwing up his relationship with Cordelia, Willow and Oz... Funny how no one had blamed Willow just him.

Where was he, oh yeah, screwing up relationships.

Wesley would never be a friend, but then being hostile toward him was a group action and his hitting on Cordelia certainly deserved its own heaping of scorn. Faith … well while he no longer had to fear bug ladies he really didn't feel good about that situation. Of course being shoved out the door practically naked probably had something to do with that.

Thinking over last night he couldn't help but think that none of the Scoobs that weren't a slayer would have come through it half as well... Though the idea of Cordelia taking his part with Faith in the motel room …

Xander slapped himself in the face.

There was plenty of time to think of that later, when he wasn't in public; for now focus!

Okay; he was being saddled with all the blame for him and Willow playing tonsil hockey, he was being pushed aside in favor of girls who had far less combat skills than he did.

His mind flittered off for a moment as he recalled Buffy calling him one of the girls.

He always said what he thought and refused to follow like the mindless sheep that followed Cordy. Was that it, was it really because he was an outspoken male that he was being pushed aside?

Oz always went along with whatever they were doing and Giles had caved on the Angel issue; they had no choice but to accept Giles and Wesley anyway since they provided both the tools and the books.

Xander shrugged. In the end it didn't really matter why things were happening so much as what was happening. Besides all this deep thought was reminding him of the mental wellness book that Willow had made him read last year - it made some good points and he'd almost bought into it. But some of the tests had said Willow wasn't a good friend so he knew it had some major flaws.

The real question was what to do now, what did he want?

A girlfriend would be nice, but he was feeling a bit gun shy about the subject right now so maybe taking time off would be good … not like he had a lot of prospects in that department anyway.

Some more money would be nice, but a job took time and effort he really didn't feel like putting out. Still, it was either a job or a life of crime. Recalling the gold cross they'd found he considered tomb raiding, but in Sunnydale the tombs could be occupied.

Then again he wanted to keep killing vamps so that was a two for one deal, hunting alone without any kind of magical boosts was all but suicide …

De-ratting Amy would probably get some help if she was bribed, Willow was supposed to be working on that but she really didn't seem to be putting a lot of effort into it or if she was she wasn't sharing.

Hadn't Miss Calendar gotten ratted and had it undone a short time later? Xander couldn't recall if Amy had called on Hecate to rat Miss Calendar as she had herself so maybe calling on Hecate was the answer – it was at least the start of one if not.

Hearing the bell ring he realized he was late for class; apparently he'd spent hours sitting and thinking.

0oOo0

"Hey Giles, need a hand?" Xander offered.

Giles set the stack of books he was carrying down, "I suppose so, last night's battle was a tad messy but shouldn't you be in class?"

"Probably but something occurred to me and I wanted to run it by you before I did anything stupid," he replied.

"By all means then, fire away," Giles replied, bringing out a pot of tea from his office and two cups.

Xander wasn't a tea drinker, but knew Giles thought better with a cup in hand.

"Amy called on Hecate for the rat spell, so why can't we call on Hecate to undo it?"

"Its not that simple. Hecate wouldn't have turned the spell on her if she wasn't being punished for some fault that Hecate took exception to. So asking her to release the spell is basically asking Hecate to stop her punishment before she'd learned her lesson."

Xander nodded and sipped his tea. "Couldn't we ask? I mean right now, we're working from guesswork – educated guesswork, but still guesswork. For all we know the Hansel and Gretel demon had a reflect spell set up to avoid transformations that extended to its minions."

"You have a point there," Giles conceded, "asking any of the gods for answers is rather easy, it's getting their attention and a straight answer that's difficult."

Xander sipped his tea. "What would be the best time to do it?"

"Tonight would be fine," Giles replied, "providing we get this mess cleared away."

Xander grinned. "I've got a free next period anyway, so it shouldn't be too much trouble."

"Really?"

"Yeah, my history teacher said he'd consider it a personal favor if I avoided his class this week."

"Whatever for?" Giles asked, obviously a bit surprised.

"I can get a bit upset when we discuss certain social inequities and I keep diverting the classroom discussion from the planned materials," Xander replied.

"Really?" Giles repeated suspiciously.

"I believe he said inciting a riot, but you know how that goes."

"Indeed," Giles said, trying not to snicker.

0oOo0

Xander was looking at his notes and back to the book in his hand as he slowly deciphered the Latin script.

Seeing one of her most disruptive students working on something constructive, his English teacher gave him a pass on the day's work; Latin root bases and modern English, which fit rather well.

Willow however almost got in trouble for trying to get Xander's attention to find out what he was doing.

Xander left the class with his nose buried in the book only to have it snatched away.

"We've been trying to talk to you for the last five minutes!" Buffy complained, the book in her hand.

"Well I just started making headway in translating it so I was kinda interested in what I was doing," Xander explained.

"No possession or anything?" Willow asked.

"Nah, Giles gave me the book it's clean."

"Oh, what's it about?" Willow asked as he reclaimed it from Buffy.

"Gods and prayers," Xander replied, searching for his place.

"Why are you reading that?" Buffy asked.

"Research," Xander said, "what's with the inquisition?"

"We weren't -" Willow began but Xander interrupted her.

"Snatching things out of my hands and asking a bunch of questions?"

"Okay, maybe we were coming on a bit strong," Buffy admitted, "but this is Sunnydale, any of my friends starts acting different I've got to check."

"Got me there," Xander admitted, "I'm doing research for Giles, nothing earthshaking just some basic research and Latin practice."

"Okay!" Buffy chirped, "Lunch?" she then asked.

"Nah, I just got into this and was beginning to enjoy it," Xander replied as he waved them off and wandered toward the library with his nose in the book again.

0oOo0

"That was a great dinner Ms. S," Xander said, "thanks for inviting me over."

"Think nothing of it, we love having you around," Joyce replied as they cleaned up.

Dawn quickly drug Xander to the living room while Buffy was in the bathroom and her mom was busy with the dishes.

"Xander?" the twelve year old asked.

"Yes, Dawn?" he replied, wondering what she was so excited about as she pushed him onto the couch and climbed onto his lap.

"You're single right now, right?"

"Yep."

"Would you be my boyfriend?" she asked intently.

"Couple of problems with that," Xander replied, thanking the gods that he'd been prepared for this conversation.

"Like what?"

"Well for one thing you are 12 and I'm 17 that's a bit of an age gap."

"I don't mind!" Dawn said brightly, "and when I'm twenty you'll be twenty five that's not that big a gap."

"You've got a very good point there but at 12 and 17 the gap is a lot bigger because it's not just about age alone."

"Really, what else is it about?"

"It's about two people coming together as equals; right now I have a lot more experience at living than you do and I'm at least a little more mature, so it'd be real easy to manipulate you, which is lousy for a relationship, but as you get older you too will get more experience and maturity and catch up with me, like at 20, understand?"

"But isn't Buffy way younger than Angel?" Dawn asked.

"Yep, and you know how I feel about that relationship. It's pretty much doomed to make them both unhappy and I care about you too much to put you through something like that."

"So when I'm older I can ask again?"

"Of course you can," Xander replied, "and when you've caught up to me I'd be a fool to say no."

"Can you be my pretend boyfriend when you visit?" Dawn asked.

"What does a pretend boyfriend do?"

"Holds me when I want a hug, never takes my sister's side over mine, and gives me a kiss before he leaves."

"Don't I already do most of that?" Xander asked as he considered it.

"Yeah, I guess you already are my pretend boyfriend then."

"I guess I am."

After a game of Monopoly, which Dawn won with Xander's cheating help, it was time to go.

"Ahem!" Dawn said, pointing at her cheek as Xander got ready to leave.

"Almost forgot," Xander admitted and bent down to kiss her cheek, but Dawn quickly turned her head and gave him a peck on the lips before retreating upstairs giggling.

"I can't believe she faked me out like that," Xander said just before he was suddenly crushed in a hug by Joyce.

"You've made a young girl very happy," Joyce said.

"Squeeze much tighter and you'll have made a young man very happy," Xander teased.

Joyce laughed and let him go while Buffy hit him in the shoulder. "Perv!"

"A hug and a hit, equilibrium has been achieved," Xander said cheerfully.

"Off you two, I know you have things to do but remember it's a school night as well."

"Will do Ms. S," Xander promised.

"I'll walk you home," Buffy offered as they left.

"I'm researching with Giles tonight," Xander replied.

"Then I'll walk you there," Buffy said and they fell into companionable silence for a while.

"So you really see me and Angel as something like you and Dawn?" Buffy asked.

"Nope, what I said to Dawn was about one problem I have with you and Angel; one of many and the age difference between me and Dawn is nothing compared to the canyon between the two of you."

"So I'd be better off with someone my own age?"

"Yep."

"Someone like you maybe?" Buffy asked archly.

"Sorry, you're not my type," Xander replied.

"What?" Buffy stopped, as stunned as if she'd been hit with a 2x4.

"What?" Xander asked in confused fashion.

"What do you mean I'm not your type?"

Xander shook his head. "No offense but as I've gotten to know you I've found you're just not the type of girl I'm looking for."

"You asked if you can have me and asked me to the Spring Fling; you've risked your life for me!"

"I didn't say you weren't attractive and I've risked my life to save Giles and Oz; doesn't mean I want to date them," Xander shuddered and started walking toward the library.

"Oh," Buffy said quickly catching up, "well I'm a lot more mature than girls my age."

Xander laughed.

"What?"

"When you heard a prophecy saying you were going to die, you knocked Giles unconscious and rushed off to die; you all but dry humped me to make Angel jealous, you rushed off to jump into a trap god knows how often, you let a demon that looked like your boyfriend run free, I recall you shunning Janna for things that were your own fault..." Xander said, ignoring Buffy's attempts to speak or protest. "No, you're no more mature than any girl your age."

"Neither are you!"

Xander nodded. "Yep, about the only way I show my maturity is by admitting I'm not a lot of the time and I've made my fair share of mistakes because of it, and likely will screw up in the future."

"Aha!" Buffy declared as if she'd just scored a point.

"What?"

"You admit you'll screw up in the future!"

"Well yeah, everyone will," Xander replied shrugging, "I also admit to being as mature as most people my age which means I'll have moments of immaturity as well."

"Okay, well I love Angel," Buffy said.

"Love isn't a cure all magic word; love doesn't mean that it's all going to work out or even that it's a good idea," Xander said bluntly.

"You don't know what it's like –" Buffy began.

"To love someone I can't have a future with?" Xander interrupted, "I offered my life to Ampata both to help her and save Willow, she chose to die rather than take it. I know love, I know loss and I know not to get involved when it'll only lead to heartache and tears. Love means letting go sometimes, for the good of the other person, if not yourself."

"It's not the same!"

"It never is, but it's close enough. You don't actually see Angel when you look at him; you see an ideal image not what he is."

"I see Angel just fine."

"Really? You see a corpse preserved by the power of the demon inside it? And operated by a soul changed by a curse to live the demon's life like its own struggling to figure out what's his impulse and what belongs to the demon and least we forget despite his well-preserved image, he is easily over five times Giles' age. Hell, he's older than this country! He was freed once, his soul at rest after the torment it had been through and rather than let him rest in peace you and Willow ripped his soul from its just reward to make it suffer the fires of hell, only to return it to the shallow mockery of life it was forced to endure before."

"You've been holding that in for a while," Buffy said quietly.

"I've spent a lot of time thinking about things," Xander replied flatly.

The silence stretched on for a while before Xander said, "Well at least we know he truly loves you."

"What?" Buffy asked in confusion, "how?"

"Because if someone did that to me who I didn't love, what I'd do to them would make my demon shudder."

"Yeah," Buffy said quietly.

"Thanks for walking me here," Xander said and waved Buffy off before going inside.

"No problem," she replied quietly as he vanished.

0oOo0

Xander entered the library, surprised to find Wesley helping Giles to set up the circle.

"Let's do this thing!" Xander said cheerfully like a great weight was off his shoulders.

**AN: Yet another idea I had that didn't make the cut.**

**AN2: Typing by Godogma as always otherwise it'd never get done!**


	44. Chapter 44

**Part Time Jobs**

**(Yet another new fic, ain't he a stinker?)**

Xander sighed; he was bored beyond belief.

You would think being kidnapped by a nefarious shadowy organization and drug into the Marvel universe would be fun and exciting or at least terrifying.

And you would be right.

It had been fun and exciting and terrifying, right up until they'd bombarded him with some type of rays; he wasn't sure what type and he'd developed powers, of a sort, then they strapped him to the wall with his lower body stuck in some sort of metal thing with tubes near his face for food and water and left him there.

A monitor on the wall occasionally showed news clips and made announcements presumably important to the faceless minions who worked here; thankfully, otherwise Xander would have gone completely insane from boredom but after some time even those clips were failing to rouse him.

"Hey, you okay?"

Xander blinked and realized someone was talking to him, and had been for at least a minute.

"I'm not hallucinating, am I?"

"No, I'm really here," the blonde woman in the blue uniform assured him.

"Am I being rescued?" Xander asked hopefully, recognizing the uniform.

The woman grinned. "Agent Danvers of SHIELD and you are?"

"Xander Harris of Sunnydale."

"Did they keep you drugged or something?" she asked as she searched for a release mechanism.

"No, I've just been hanging around with no one to talk to for what seems like forever."

There was a click and Xander fell on the floor.

***THUD***

"Oww..." he muttered before he was helped to his feet by Agent Danvers.

"Any idea why they have you in an iron codpiece, in addition to all the rest?"

Xander looked at the metal contraption that was providing him some basic modesty. "Yeah they zapped me with some beam to try and mutate me or something, but the powers I developed were … groin based."

"You're joking?" she asked in disbelief.

"I'm really not," Xander said, "leave it to me to get kidnapped and experimented on only to get super powers that can't be used in public."

She helped him into the hall, where he was loaded into a stretcher and carted off with at least a dozen other people to waiting ambulances where he fell asleep.

0oOo0

Xander awoke with a start in a hospital bed and looked around in a panic, before he remembered what had happened. "I'm free!"

"Not quite kid," said the man with the eye patch who'd been leaning against the wall.

"Huh?" Xander asked, still a little out of it.

"Until I get some answers you aren't going anywhere."

"Huh?" Xander repeated, wondering what he could possibly know that might interest Nick Fury.

Nick Fury sighed and introduced himself, "I'm the man who says what happens to you next and until I get some answers, you aren't going anywhere."

"Huh?" he asked again in disbelief, stunned to think he'd gone from being a prisoner of the bad guys to being a prisoner of the good guys.

The one eyed man stuck his head out the door and yelled, "Danvers, I need your help in here!"

Shortly the blonde haired woman who'd rescued Xander made an appearance. "You rang?"

"He doesn't seem to be responding to me and I need answers."

Xander smiled at her and she smiled politely back.

"Ask him why his personal effects include a well-worn battle-axe, ID for a town that doesn't exist, and what appears to be a Vincent Price travel bag."

Agent Danvers dutifully repeated the question.

"Vincent Price travel bag?" Xander asked.

Nick Fury sighed. "The kid has a vampire slaying kit."

"A vampire slaying kit," she explained.

"The vampire slaying kit is for slaying vampires, the axe is for associated demons, and Sunnydale is the town where I'm from which doesn't exist on this Earth," Xander explained to her.

"Why do I have two psycho-telemetrists and a telepath curled into fetal balls sucking their thumbs and nearly catatonic?" Fury demanded.

Danvers rolled her eyes and repeated the question when she saw both of them were waiting for her to do so.

"Psycho what?"

"People who can read psychic impressions off objects," she explained.

"Sunnydale is the home of the Hellmouth, which is exactly what it sounds like and I've spent the majority of my high school career fighting demons and vampires; I can't see anyone who's sensitive being anything but screwed up after touching my stuff."

"And the telepath?" Fury demanded.

Danvers repeated the question.

"I grew up on the mouth of hell and spent the last three years fighting demons and vamps," Xander repeated, "even not counting the times I've been possessed, a telepath would have to be crazy to want a peek into my head."

"How did he end up in our dimension?"

Danvers sighed and repeated the question.

"Got kidnapped by some weirdos who strapped me down and bombarded me with some weird rays."

"What were you doing when you were kidnapped?" Danvers asked curiously.

"I was on a road trip; see I've never been outside Sunnydale before so with the Hellmouth at low ebb and having just graduated high school... I figured this would be my one chance to see the US before returning to Sunnydale and the fight."

"And you got kidnapped," Danvers mused shaking her head.

"When I fell through the portal they looked pretty surprised to see me so I think it was an accident; of course when they recovered from their shock they decided to use me as a human guinea pig for their Incredible Hulk Penis Enlargement System, so as far as I'm concerned they kidnapped me on purpose, otherwise the only other explanation is that I'm the Universe's butt monkey."

"It's not green is it?" she asked curiously.

"It's the usual color, although I could probably make it change colors," Xander said lifting up the covers to check and finding he was still wearing metal underwear, "why am I still wearing Dr. Doom's speedo?"

"We can't figure out how to remove it safely so we're going to have to refer him to Reed Richards," Nick said reminding them that he was there.

Xander dropped the blanket and Danvers stepped back fighting down a blush.

"We have to refer you to Reed Richards," Danvers said, "he's the only one who can safely remove that."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

"No problem; I'm happy to help," Danvers said, getting back at Nick for making her repeat everything by pretending he wasn't there.

"I'll need a ride and some sweat pants," Xander said, "because my pants are never going to fit over this high tech chastity belt."

"I'll take care of it," Danvers replied with a smile.

"Tell him he's not allowed to run around killing stuff in our world, we have too many mutants that look like demons and we're fresh out of vamps," Fury stated dryly, seeing that they were both pretending he wasn't there now.

"Okay, just so you know we have a segment of the population who are completely human but may resemble demons and over a decade ago a spell was cast that banished all vampires from our plane of existence," Danvers explained.

"Actually you still have a couple; but one's a hero and the other isn't a supernatural vampire he's just a mutant," Xander replied, "I learned at least a little about this world from the news clips and employee announcements they made while I was in the cell. I have no intention of searching for evil to fight; I'm on vacation."

"So I don't have to worry about you chopping the heads off demonic looking people?"

"Only if they threaten lives; I don't get involved for anything less."

"Wonderful; if there's anything I can do for you feel free to ask."

"You've already done more than enough, thank you." Xander replied, "if not for you I might have ended up sitting through an interrogation by some officious ass who didn't know how to deal with someone who'd just been freed from imprisonment after a mind shattering long time in solitary."

"I'm just happy to help."

Nick Fury stalked out muttering under his breath.

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**

**AN2: I don't have a plot for this one either.**


	45. Chapter 45

**Walking in Shadows … Decided to go Another Direction rather than steal someone else' fic. **

"Where to now?" Sirius asked as Xander drove.

"We're only a couple of hours from my home town," Xander replied, "I'm kinda curious about how it handled things since zombies aren't all that uncommon there to begin with."

"I wouldn't get my hopes up about finding anyone alive," Sirius warned, "or expect it to be the actual town you left. See, there are tons of worlds and universes and some sort of timey wimey stuff."

Xander waited but Sirius was apparently done. "That didn't explain anything."

"If you were British it would," Sirius argued.

"But I'm not British!"

"Well we can't all be perfect," Sirius said consolingly.

Xander laughed. "Okay I get it, I promise I won't take any of it too seriously because while it may look like home, it's not actually home, just what home could have looked like if we had a zombie apocalypse and maybe not even then," Xander said, thinking about parallel worlds.

"Err, actually I was just trying to piss you off, so you'd be angry rather than depressed when you found out it was a ghost town, but your explanation sounds way better; it's just best not to expect too much."

Xander snickered before getting an evil grin and hiding it behind a happy expression. "Considering we were the vamp capitol of the world I'm sure a zombie apocalypse wasn't as bad as it could have been."

"No one was left alive in LA, a small town would be even more defenseless," Sirius warned, not wanting Xander to get his hopes up only to have them smashed flat by reality.

**Two hours later … **

Xander's eyes lit up. "Why I'll bet my future self will be there with his three wives."

Sirius groaned, "Dead! All dead! Eaten by zombies! It's hopeless!"

The 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign flashed past as the two argued with Sirius worried about his friend's state of mind as Xander built up a huge fantasy, pretending to be more and more enthusiastic about it as they got closer to town.

The two were distracted from their argument by a siren and flashing lights behind them.

"Just my luck," Xander chuckled, "I've been pulled over by the last cop on earth."

"Zombie cops!" Sirius announced, then fell quiet, taking a swig off his bottle. "You were trying to wind me up, weren't you?"

Xander laughed as he pulled over. "Turnabout is fair play."

"All this time I was worried about you getting your hopes up and you were screwing with me," Sirius growled, mock offended, but thinking it was a pretty good joke.

"Sirius; I never let anything keep me down for long. I've had friends die, practically in my arms, lost women I loved and looked into the mouth of hell itself and I'm still smiling."

The police officer tapped on the window and winced at the smell when Xander rolled it down. "What are you drinking? It smells like a brewery in there."

"I wasn't drinking sir," Xander said politely, "although my friend ..." He turned and found a big black dog sitting in the passenger seat grinning at him.

"Uh huh, sure. Sir, can I see your license and registration?"

Sirius burped and a small ball of blue flame belched out.

The cop looked surprised and pointed the light at Xander and froze. "Sorry Mr. Harris I didn't realize it was you or I wouldn't have questioned your story about the dog. How 'bout I escort you home?"

"That'd be great," Xander said, relieved he wasn't going to jail.

"Just follow me sir," the officer directed, quickly returning to his car and leading them to the Summers' residence.

Xander parked in front of the house and he and Padfoot got out. "I'm not sure why I live here, but considering all the lights and cars I'm guessing whole new world."

Padfoot belched again, releasing a small flicker of flame as Xander rang the doorbell.

The door was answered by a red haired witch whose nose wrinkled at the smell. "Xander? Why did you ring the bell and why do you smell like you've been drinking? I thought you and Faith were out on a date?"

"In order of question; I rang the bell because I don't live here, the dog's the one who's been drinking, and Xander probably is on a date with Faith and I really want to find out how that happened."

Willow gestured and a wave of white light washed over the two to no effect. "Well your appearance isn't a glamour," she said.

"But can you guess in the 17 questions you have left?" Xander asked with a grin.

Willow's eyes opened wide. "We haven't played 20 questions in forever!"

"Is that a question?" Xander asked as he and Padfoot entered with no invitation.

"No!" Willow declared firmly and waved them into the living room.

Xander sat on the sofa and Padfoot climbed up beside him.

"No dogs on the furniture," Willow said.

Padfoot tried to give her his best puppy dog eyes, but he burped and a puff of smoke came out.

"Is he a hell hound?"

"No, sixteen questions left," Xander replied with a grin.

"You cheater!" Willow grumbled playfully, "and that was a statement not a question, I need a notepad."

0oOo0

Willow had a notepad and a pencil and was considering her options, while curled up in a chair across from the two, when Xander and Faith arrived.

Faith and Xander tensed up, but the Xander on the sofa just waved as he scratched under the dog's chin.

"What's going on?" Faith asked cautiously.

"We're playing 20 questions," the Xander on the sofa answered, "fifteen questions left!" he declared playfully.

"Poopy headed cheater," Willow pouted, "only my questions count."

"Okay, sixteen then," Xander agreed, making Willow smile.

It had been a while since Willow had smiled at him that way and his eyes got a little moist.

"So why the magic to look like me?" the Xander with Faith asked.

"I already cast a spell to remove all false seemings," Willow said, "that is how he really looks."

Buffy wandered into the room wearing a skimpy pair of panties and a t-shirt. "I remember this dream," she said half awake, "but there was never a dog in it before, that's a bit too kinky even for me."

"You've had dreams about two Xanders, me, and Willow?" Faith asked with a smirk.

"Of course, I'm not a Xander hog," Buffy said yawning and then jumped half a foot when Padfoot got her in the small of her back with a cold wet nose. "I'm not dreaming!"

"Nope, but I still appreciate your thoughtfulness," Faith said with a grin.

Buffy spooned up behind Willow and kissed her neck before reading what she'd written. "Number five looks good."

Willow nodded and wrapped Buffy's arms around her. "What are you doing here?"

"Wishing I'd brought a camera," Xander said absently as Padfoot drooled.

"Xander!" Willow groaned.

"Well I am!" Xander replied. "Come on, you can see what I'm doing for yourself, fifteen questions left."

"How did you get here?" Willow asked.

"I drove," Xander deadpanned with a grin, "fourteen questions left."

"I mean this world!" Willow corrected.

"Good question, but the answer's the same."

"You drove to our world from another one?" Willow asked, surprised.

"Yes I did, thirteen questions left."

"No fair! You already answered that one," Buffy complained.

"Actually that is fair," Willow admitted, "getting the other person to repeat questions is part of the game."

"Oh, okay," Buffy said, calming down.

"Is there something special about your car?" Willow asked.

"Yep, especially the back seat," Xander said suggestively while wiggling his eyebrows, making Willow blush.

"Wait!" Willow said suddenly, "you forgot to say the number of questions left, it's one of your tells. You're bluffing! But I don't see how …"

"Double bluff," Faith jumped in, "he said it in a way to embarrass you and make you think of sex, when he was actually being serious. There is something special about his car, and the back seat in particular."

Xander winced. "No helping! 12 questions left."

"You let Buffy help," Faith complained.

"She's only partially dressed and all but making out with Willow," Xander explained.

Faith laughed.

"Can I see your backseat?" Willow asked.

"If Buffy doesn't mind," Xander teased.

"Only if I get to cum too," Buffy responded.

"I think I can fit you in, or vice versa," Xander fired back, "after all the more the merrier."

Local Xander and Faith took that as an invitation and being the closest to the front door, were at the car before anyone else.

"Now that's my kinda car!" Xander-L said admiringly while Faith looked it over.

"I wonder why they painted the back windows black?" Faith asked.

"I didn't," Xander said as he arrived with Willow and Buffy in tow, "it's just too dark to see in there."

"In your backseat?" Buffy asked.

"Yep," Xander replied, opening the passenger side back door and stepping in, with barely a pause the Scoobs followed.

"Wow," Faith drawled after a moment as everyone stared speechlessly at the tableau.

"Are those stars?" Buffy asked in shock, seeing spots of light on the ceiling.

"Not exactly," Xander said.

Willow spotted the telescope and examined it closely, "All these runes… How did you get a telescope engraved with runes of blood and sacrifice?"

"Made it myself," Xander replied, "well the runes anyway."

"But it takes a lot of sacrifices to empower those runes!" Willow exclaimed, horrified.

"You're thinking too literally," Xander said, "try and think outside the box. I'll even give you a hint – blood and ash."

Willow's brow furrowed in thought for a minute before she sighed, "Apparently I like the box."

"Got that right," Buffy teased in a sultry tone.

"Buffy!" Willow blushed while everyone laughed.

"Vampire ash, the older the better; vampires are soaked in blood and death, so by killing them and using their ash mixed with a drop or two of your own blood you can easily empower the runes."

"Why hasn't anyone discovered this before?" Willow asked.

"Odin is a warrior god, so all the ash I use is from vamps I kill personally in battle. Most researchers don't gather their own ingredients," Xander explained, "and few things use vampire ash that aren't so dark that the people involved wouldn't find human sacrifices easier."

"I am so going to start researching blood and sacrifice magic now," Willow swore, "because I like the idea of sacrificing vamps to protect people from them."

Padfoot transformed back into Sirius, startling the Scoobs. "Well I need a nap, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go visit Penny." Sirius took out a business card and turned it into a Persian carpet, before he started casting a series of charms on it.

"That is really Padfoot?" Faith asked, wide eyed.

"Actually he goes by Sirius when he's human," Xander said, "I found him in a desert after someone threw him through a portal."

"You never read the books!" Willow groaned, rubbing her temples.

"What books?" Xander asked as Sirius vanished into the darkness, whooping on his barely controlled carpet.

"A series of books about the good guys paying for the bad guys' mistakes and everything ending up the same as when it started," Xander-L said bluntly.

"Xander!" the three girls chorused angrily.

"I calls em as I sees em and as far as I'm concerned she should have quit at book three," Xander-L declared unmoved.

"Ignore him," Faith said, "he's not completely wrong, but the good guys win."

"Yeah," Buffy added, "and he reads too much fanfiction."

"Well at least I don't claim Snape was a hero," Xander-L replied flatly.

"Snape a hero?" Xander asked, looking like he'd tasted something sour, "no one who has ever met him could mistake that bastard for a hero."

**AN: Typing by Godogma. **

**AN2: This crosses over with someone else's fanfic, but they would be able to figure out things that I didn't want Xander to know yet, so I had to scrap this chapter.**

**AN3: 'Post Graduate Work' by Greywizard is the crossover fic.**


	46. Chapter 46

**Bad End**

Xander woke up with a pounding headache, sitting up he realized he was in Willow's bed at her house. He was naked and he desperately needed a shower and a shave.

Xander searched Willow's room but couldn't find his clothes anywhere. He finally borrowed a fluffy pink robe and crept around the house, relieved to find it empty.

A quick shower and shave made him feel more human and he briefly wondered if he'd dreamed his entire road trip but the memories were too real for that.

The kitchen proved empty of anything but canned goods for some reason and not a lot of them. Shrugging he grabbed a can of ravioli and a can of soda labeled Coke2 with a red and blue label that looked like a combination of Coke and Pepsi.

He found a lot of empty cans in the trash when he threw away the empty containers, but nothing else, just cans. It struck him as strange for a moment.

Everything was too quiet and when he turned on a radio all he got was static. He didn't bother looking for more clothes as he left Willow's place, it was a warm day and he was freaked enough that wearing a girl's pink fluffy robe was preferable to staying in an empty house.

Stepping out onto the porch he winced and guessed it was about noon, he looked around but didn't see anybody; no cars, no joggers, no dog walkers, no one. However his car was sitting at the curb.

He walked over to his car while keeping an eye out for anything out of place but nothing happened.

Fortunately for him it was unlocked and the keys were in the ignition. The passenger seat was scooted forward all the way and a strawberry air freshener was hanging from the rear view mirror but nothing else seemed out of place.

He started the car and slowly drove to his house, keeping an eye out for people but the streets stayed stubbornly empty. Parking in front of his house he left the keys in the ignition when he got out.

His front door was unlocked and when he entered his house he couldn't help but notice how clean everything looked. He was positive it hadn't been this clean when he left and everything looked so new. He also didn't remember half the photos on the walls and he was almost positive his parents were at least a decade older than they were in the photos he saw.

They looked so young and… sober and happy and… sober and clean and… sober.

His bedroom was familiar looking except for it having trophies in swimming and academics he was sure he'd never won, plus he could see the floor.

His room was clean!

The discovery of a heart shaped frame with a picture of him and Willow staring adoringly at one another dressed for the senior prom wasn't nearly as big a shock as it should have been.

Finding clean clothes in his dresser of all places he got dressed and almost guiltily hung Willow's pink robe on his closet door.

He left his house and got back in his car, deciding to drive past the old neighborhood before going to Giles' apartment.

He was unsurprised to see the high school in one piece as he passed by. Shaking his head he quickly drove over to Giles' place but when he reached the place it was obvious Giles had never lived there. Well not unless Giles had become a gay man who fancied cats.

He also found that the Summers place… wasn't. Some family with three kids and a dog had lived there, he found graves and headstones for them in their back yard near the back fence.

Xander had a feeling he knew what he'd find if he looked in Willow's back yard and the thought tore at him like a knife; still he had to check.

He drove so slowly it took him nearly half an hour to reach Willow's place, he sat out front for another half hour debating whether he really needed to know before he got up the nerve to walk back there.

He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when he realized he only saw two gravestones, sighing in relief he approached the two and dropped to his knees in shock when he read Xander and Willow Harris. "What the hell?"

Xander climbed to his feet and went back to the car; just out of curiosity he checked the back seat and found it was a normal back seat.

Starting the car he checked the gauge and found he had a full tank. Nodding to himself he floored it and telephone poles began whipping by like a picket fence as he hit a hundred.

He took turns on two wheels and had buried the speedometer by the time he hit main street heading out of town.

The sign saying he was leaving Sunnydale was upon him before he knew it and as he past it everything turned black and he slammed on the brakes sending the car into a spin.

When he finally came to a stop he realized he was lucky he hadn't rolled the car and his heart was beating a mile a minute but it wasn't almost crashing that had done that; it was seeing Willow's grave.

As he calmed down he stepped out of the car and let his eyes adjust to the darkness and as they adapted he began to see bubbles of light in the distance and he realized where he was. He was in the back seat of his car.

As the adrenaline and fear faded he began noticing there were bubbles of light on the walls as well and when he looked up he also saw they were on the ceiling.

"What the hell did we do?" He asked aloud but there were no answers to be found, just countless cities in the backseat of his car encased in bubbles of light.

Xander really wished he smoked at the moment because he really needed something to calm his nerves.

The headlights of his car gleamed off the reflective black material the floor was made of and he wondered how he'd ever find his way out.

From the way the bubbles were positioned he could tell he was near a wall, "I guess I'll follow the wall until I hit the door," Xander decided before getting back in the car and driving toward the wall slowly with Sunnydale on his left hand side curving away from him.

He barely crept along, not wanting to discover where the wall was by running into it and after an hour of patient driving he saw his headlights reflected off the wall as he approached it.

He stopped the car about five feet from the wall and got out, walking up the wall he put his hand on it and … slammed face first into the ground.

Climbing to his feet he rubbed his nose and realized his car was on the wall, after a brief second of panic and his car not falling onto him and crushing him he realized he was on the wall and it was now the ground for him.

"That explains how all the places we stole are still in place," he muttered.

Walking up to the wall he placed his hand on it and was slammed face first into the ground again.

Standing up he rubbed his nose and sighed, looking for some way to tell which way to go now and really hoping he wasn't on the ceiling since the distance involved meant he'd probably need a year to reach the floor.

Looking around and falling from floor to wall and back again he noticed something; Sunnydale was the only bubble that actually touched the wall at some point. The rest of the purloined cities were well away from it meaning there was a good chance that Sirius had placed Sunnydale here on purpose so that his door was easy to find.

**AN: Wrote this while I was depressed one day. Godogma may me go back and write the chapter again, minus the depression. **


	47. Chapter 47

**H20 **

Harry Dresden watched in shock as the huge black and silver train roared toward him, he'd been dying but rather than go to his final reward the creator had apparently decided to drop him in front of a train.

"Okay maybe billing Uriel was a bit out of line..." he muttered.

Harry was a little different than most people, he was a wizard; of course not being content with being different from most people he was also different from most wizards. You see; Harry had two very notable traits, he had what could best be described as a White Knight complex and was a tremendous smart ass. An unusual combination that kept his life, and now apparently his death, from ever being boring.

As he watched the train approach he decided that the next time he was sent on a mission from god … he'd bill Uriel again, the stunned incoherence of the shocked celestial being was just too funny to pass up.

The dark tunnel he was in gave him no room to dodge and he couldn't even feel a slight connection to the Never-Never, so Harry was left with no choice but to do something both insanely dangerous and dangerously insane. There wasn't a chance in hell it was going to work, but whoever had penned the line 'do not go gently into that dark night' could have been describing Harry when they'd done it.

Harry gathered his will and wove the strongest shield he could, throwing insane amounts of soul fire into his creation with reckless abandon. He didn't expect the shield to stop the train; the mass differential alone would see to that, but had some faint hope that it would rocket him out of the tunnel and away from the tracks from the force of impact.

He'd pulled off something similar once before, but he'd had his shield bracelet and a succubus to fuel it at the time.

His shield snapped into place around him with a solidity he'd never felt before, the silver construction nearly incandescent with the soul fire reinforcing it.

Just before the train hit a passenger stuck his head out the window and Harry found himself looking at a teenage boy with bright green eyes and a look of pure shock on his face.

The moment the train touched the shield the world was washed away in a wave of silver fire.

0oOo0

Harry blinked and looked around and wondered why he was sitting on a porch in the middle of the night with a baby.

Spying a smoldering envelope with the baby he picked it up and began to read, ignoring the parts where fire had burned away the message.

0oOo0

Dumbledore waited anxiously as the quill addressed the letters for the coming year.

Minerva sipped her tea and pretended she wasn't waiting on pins and needles herself.

The rest of the staff varied between the two extremes.

As the quill addressed the P's the tension level rose and it was scarcely finished with Potter, Harry before Dumbledore snatched the letter up and read the address aloud, "Harry Potter-Dresden, Meadow of Summer, Underhill."

Filius' eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out, drawing everyone's attention.

"Well at least someone seems to know what the address means," Snape drawled dryly as Madame Pomphrey fussed over the diminutive professor.

"Filius is there something you'd like to share with us?" Albus asked hopefully.

"I .. I know where Underhill is," he stammered out in reply.

"Wonderful, then it'll be easy to collect him."

"I'm afraid not Headmaster, Underhill is the mystical land of the fae. According to goblin lore all the magical races came from there originally, but no one knows how to return. The knowledge was lost before Hogwarts was founded."

"Well … damn!" Dumbledore cursed.

"Let's look at this logically," Snape said, "once all the student's letters have gone out you can have the quill write out a new letter for Potter every four hours. That will either give us an address we can work with or confirm he's permanently beyond our reach."

"I suppose you're right," Dumbledore said after a moment of thought.

"Any idea why it was addressed Potter-Dresden?" Professor Sprout asked.

"It's addressed that way because Potter was his original last name, but he's been adopted so it's now Harry Dresden," Minerva explained.

Snape and Dumbledore's eyes met as it occurred to them that they hadn't been able to find him because they'd been targeting Potter rather than Dresden.

Dumbledore laid his palm out flat and laid his wand on it. "Point me to the home of the wizard Harry Dresden."

The wand spun around and pointed towards England.

0oOo0

Harry was enjoying a nice quiet morning, with Indy off in the local Never-Never trying to woo an elven maid, when someone knocked on the door.

He didn't have any appointments scheduled for this early, or for this day at all really. He had the entire day off and was looking forward to getting a little experimenting done, he was almost positive he'd managed to figure out the secret to how the blades the Wardens carried were created.

Sighing he got up and answered the door finding two very shocked wizards there. "Can I help you?" Harry asked, not caring that he was only wearing a bathrobe and pinky fuzzy bunny slippers.

"We're looking for Harry Potter," Dumbledore explained cautiously, a bit concerned with the fact that this house thrummed with as much power as Hogwarts, though on a smaller scale.

"Indy is off trying to convince an elven girl that the title maid is best discarded."

"Indy?" Dumbledore asked, obviously confused.

"We're both named Harry and he got tired of being called Junior," Harry explained. "Come in, as you have peaceful intentions," Harry recited formally.

The two wizards stepped inside feeling something like goblin magic roll over them as they entered.

Shaking off their trepidation they sat down accepting the coffee Harry offered them.

"So you're here to deliver Indy's invitation?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore said, and then in a tone of disbelief continued, "did you say Harry is trying to date a house elf?"

Harry chuckled. "No the ones that you call house elves are a lot closer related to brownies than the fair folk. Indy, and believe you me you'll get along with him a lot better using his chosen name, is trying to court one of the Summer Ladies."

Harry gestured and an illusion he'd spent time crafting to embarrass Indy with sprang into being.

A young boy offered a flower to a beautiful young girl with flame red hair and green eyes. It was only after watching the two for a couple of seconds that you'd notice her inhumanly graceful movements and pointed ears.

"At least the boy has good taste," Snape muttered quietly, as he thought of a girl with less grace and more freckles from his own past.

"You are quite skilled at illusions," Dumbledore complimented him, having noted it was all done without wand or word.

"Not really," Harry denied, dismissing it, "I'm pretty mediocre actually, even among humans. I only developed the skill to embarrass Indy anyway, it's one of the joys of being a parent."

"May I ask how you came to adopt H- Indy?" Dumbledore asked.

"An accident dropped me on a porch in the middle of the night," Harry replied, "and sitting right next to me was a baby with a fresh wound on his forehead and a letter that was partially burned. Someone had abandoned a baby in the middle of winter on someone's porch, naturally I couldn't just leave him there."

"And you never thought they might be his family?"

"I considered the possibility," Harry admitted, "in fact I even returned there the next day, once I'd gotten the little tyke fixed up. Not only was the answer from them a resounding no, they offered to sign whatever was needed to insure I kept the kid and they had nothing to do with any freakishness."

Dumbledore winced as Snape glared at him.

"They actually are his family," Snape admitted, "but they aren't our kind of people."

"Yeah, I got that," Harry agreed, "the only reason to place a magical child in that kind of environment is to create a warlock, Dark Lord in your terminology."

Dumbledore winced again.

"Thank you for taking care of him," Snape said sincerely.

Harry chuckled. "He's a handful but a good kid, I'm proud to call him son."

"I'm just glad he found his way into a responsible adult's hands," Snape replied. "What would be a good time to call on him?"

"Today I'm working in the lab and he's spending the night at a friend's, how about tomorrow afternoon?"

"That sounds wonderful," Dumbledore said, hoping to get out of there before Snape decided to strangle him.

"Lab?" Snape asked curiously.

0oOo0

"So how did things go?" Minerva asked.

"We found Harry, or rather his adopted father, and made an appointment to see him tomorrow when he returns from staying at a friend's house."

"A friend Underhill?" Minerva asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore replied quietly. "His adopted father speaks in an American accent and stepping into his place after a strangely formal invitation, felt like entering a vault at Gringotts. He dresses like a muggle and lives in the muggle world, but despite any number of muggle items lying about, he doesn't use electric lights or have one of those tellies the muggles are so enamored with. His house reminds me more than a little of Hogwarts actually. He casts expert illusions wandlessly with a wave of his hand, but dismisses them as mediocre for humans."

"Where's Severus?" Minerva asked, wondering if he could shed some light on all the questions that Dumbledore's summation caused.

"Mr. Dresden's first name is Harry, and rather than put up with being called Junior, Mr. Potter has taken the name Indy," Dumbledore explained. "So, just to be clear, Harry Dresden is the father and Indy Dresden is the son. Snape was invited by Harry to see what he's working on in the lab."

"I'm surprised to find Snape was so personable," Minerva said in shock.

"When he found out what I'd done with Indy and whom I'd planned on leaving him with I dare say that Snape was much friendlier to Harry than he was to me."

"I wasn't happy with the decision either," Minerva reminded him.

Dumbledore coughed and said nervously, "Yes, Harry mentioned that the end result of leaving a magical child with the Dursley's would probably be the creation of a Dark Lord."

"Anger and hate have to go somewhere," Minerva said reasonably, "and if anyone would teach a child to hate everything different it would be the Dursley's."

"I was more concerned with keeping him alive than any long term effects," Dumbledore admitted.

"Well thank Merlin for Mr. Dresden then."

"Indeed."

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**


	48. Chapter 48

**Flipping Channels**

**(Yeah I know, bet you wish he'd finish Sitting don't you? :P)**

"You've reached the Goddess Helpline," the prerecorded message said, "a representative will be with you shortly."

***Click* **

Ranma looked at the headset and examined the English international dialing instructions again, trying to figure out where he'd gone wrong.

Angry cursing behind him made him spin around only to come face to face with … himself?

The dark haired young man stared at the shorter red headed girl before they both jumped back and assumed fighting positions.

"Copy Cat Ken or a mirror clone?" they both yelled at once.

"Well that rules out mirror clone, they don't get all the details of my life," the two said.

"And Ken doesn't know everything I've gone through, but he could have bought an info packet from Nabiki..." they both chorused.

"Can't be the splitting incense because that version of me wasn't half as cute," Ranma said bluntly, causing the female to blush.

"The Gemini water!" he said wincing.

Her face went pale and he quickly caught her before she could fall.

"We'll find some water and test it, I could be wrong," he pointed out.

"I don't think you're wrong; it fits the facts too well," she said, near tears.

"Then we'll see if the open water kettle can fix it," he declared fiercely. "Hell, for all we know just being in a warm bath together would do it."

"What?" she gave him a strange look.

"The Gemini water splits us into two people so splashing one without the other getting wet probably wont work and we probably need to have as much contact as possible while it's happening. I figure a hot bath is the place we're least likely to be interrupted."

"Unless it's the Tendo's," she snorted, feeling a bit better.

He laughed. "Yeah, so any idea where we are?"

"Somewhere in America probably, it's not cold enough for Britain."

"Well lets go find a love hotel," he said, unaware that she had frozen in place and was turning very red.

"L-love hotel?"

"Yeah, America won't have Co-Ed furos, so we'll have to borrow a tub," he continued, unaware of his companion's reaction.

Ranma recovered quickly, lengthening her strides to keep up with her male half's longer legs while mentally berating herself for thinking what she had been.

The absolute confidence the two exuded along with their way of kicking small demons who bothered them, launching them several blocks away, assured they had no real problems.

"We'd like to rent a room for a half hour or so," Ranma said in Japanese, placing a 5000 yen note on the counter.

"I have no idea what you're saying but we don't take foreign currency here," the balding clerk in the stained shirt said.

"Miss Hinako never prepared me for this conversation," Ranma complained, "and I'm pretty sure the few words in English I do know would just get misunderstood anyway."

Ranma tried adding an assorted mixture of bills from Japan and China to see if it would change anything, but the manager just shook his head.

Three medium sized green scaly things roared as they shattered the glass door leading into the dingy lobby.

Ranma sighed and left Ranma dealing with the clerk as she booted the first monster so hard it smashed into a second one and sent them both flying across the street and through the window of a liquor store.

The third monster showed he had some brains, or a huge alcohol addiction, as he ran out the door to chase after the other two.

The manager looked at the pile of foreign currency and took a token amount out of the pile before digging out the key for the suite reserved for the Mayor's friends.

"Here you go, I doubt you understand a word I'm saying but the room is on the first floor, just hang a left when you … step over the remains of our glass door," the manager said cheerfully, deciding to close the office for the night and hide in the back with all the lights off and the doors locked.

Ranma looked at the key and turned to his female self. "Well I got us a room."

The lights went out as the manager disappeared into the back and the sound of many locks being engaged was heard.

Ranma slipped the rest of his money into his subspace pocket. "They are a bit skittish around here. Look for room number 13 and let's see what the status of our curse is."

0oOo0

Spike sat with Dru curled up in his lap and watched Silence of the Lambs. Halloween was commercial, but it gave him the chance to spend a rare quiet night at home with Dru, watching comedies so he was happy.

0oOo0

Angel groaned as he was forced to save Cordelia from the chaos on the streets. The last thing he wanted to deal with was her flirting while he tracked Buffy down.

0oOo0

The Oracles looked at one another, "This was not foreseen."

"The chaos level is much higher than expected."

"We must locate and remove the excess."

**AN: Typing by Godogma. I came up with this for the start of a YAHF with Xander and Willow both dressing as Ranma. **


	49. Chapter 49

**Untouchable **

"Giles?" Xander asked, as they were looking up the latest threat in the library.

"Yes Xander, what do you need?"

"Why is it we never see Aspect of Demon apply with vampires?"

"The short answer is; you do," Giles replied.

The Scoobies all looked up from what they were doing, concerned.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but … long answer please," Xander requested.

"Very well; vampires are a type of possessing demon, they don't have a physical form on this plane but are born into the corpse of someone who has negated their body's normal defenses against possession."

"Protection?" Xander asked, having been possessed before making that a very important subject to him.

"The human body houses the soul, which is ultimately the source of all threshold protections and unless negated by inviting the demon in, will prevent your corpse from giving birth to a vampire after you die."

"Is there any way to increase those protections?" Xander asked.

"I don't recall any off the top of my head," Giles demurred. "Why?"

"I've been possessed before and would like to avoid it in the future," Xander replied seriously.

"Here," Wesley said, handing Xander a small book. "There is no foolproof method, but Litman's Compendium has the best listing of proven methods, as well as a large section on theory with anecdotal evidence to back it up."

"You have Litman's Compendium?" Giles asked with some interest.

"I borrowed it from Travers' personal library and had a friend make me a copy," Wesley admitted, a bit embarrassed.

"Leather bound, onion skin pages, gold edging… it's like those psalm books from church," Xander said as he examined it.

"Yes, well my friend worked in a shop that printed religious material primarily; the only real downside is that fifty copies was the smallest order they would accept and they all resemble psalm books."

"How many books did you … borrow and copy?" Giles asked curiously.

"Quite a few," Wesley admitted.

"There may be some hope for you yet," Giles said approvingly.

"When do I need to return it?" Xander asked as he checked to make sure the small type wasn't too small to read.

"Keep it," Wesley said, chuckling. "I have another forty-nine copies."

"Thanks; well back to the topic – vampires and aspects?"

"Being very weak demons it's all in the blood and ash," Giles replied, "blood more than ash of course as that is the source of their strength."

"I'm pretty sure we've all been bled on and inhaled ash," Xander pointed out.

Giles nodded. "Yes and I've no doubt you've all gotten multiple aspects from the experience."

The Scoobs stared at Giles in horror.

Giles chuckled, "If it was a matter of any importance I would have brought it up long before now. The fact of the matter is that vampires are so weak in terms of demonic energy that it takes years of exposure as a vampire hunter before you'll notice even the slightest change."

"What kind of changes?" Willow asked.

"Enhanced physical stats, sharper senses, extended longevity, tendency to sunburn easily..." Giles listed off easily. "Of course the sad fact of the matter is that few vampire hunters are around long enough for their exposure to matter."

"Gee that's cheery news," Cordelia muttered sourly.

"Most either die or retire in the first six months," Wesley said calmly.

"So none of them thought to try and snort the ashes to speed things up?" Xander asked.

"That would negate the soul's protection and invite the demon in," Giles warned, "being exposed while killing them is fine but deliberately snorting the ashes or drinking their blood can lead to being possessed by a blood demon while still alive."

Xander nodded. "But we have been doing this for years."

Giles shrugged. "Then you should all be stronger, more physically adept and more prone to sunburn than your fellow students. Since none of you spend your time working out in a gym or weightlifting you probably just haven't noticed."

"We'll have to schedule physicals for everyone," Wesley suggested, "I don't expect we'll find anything more than perhaps a 10% boost at best."

"So we won't grow fangs and eat people?" Willow asked.

"No chance of that," Giles assured her.

"No more than normal anyway," Oz commented.

"Eep!" Willow blushed bright red.

Giles cleared his throat, rather amused. "I believe he's referring to being a werewolf."

"Oh yeah," Willow replied sheepishly, blushing and sinking down into her seat as she realized everyone knew what she'd been thinking.

**AN: Typing by Godogma. Started this with the thought of going a little more indepth into protections and aspects. **


	50. Chapter 50

**Naruto – Voices in my Head: Chapter One**

"Okay princess, since you've done so well in class I think it's time for you to learn the first of our clan jutsu."

Ino bounced up and down squealing, "Thank you daddy!"

Inoichi smiled broadly, knowing he was wrapped around his girl's little finger but not caring. "You've been practicing those centering exercises like I told you, right?"

"Of course daddy!" Ino fudged a little; as she always started the exercises but got bored and fell asleep halfway through them.

"Princess, it's really important to have those exercises down before you use this jutsu. Those exercises are the only thing that allows us to use our jutsu and remain sane."

"I've been doing my exercises every day for the last month!" Ino swore truthfully, not mentioning she had never finished them.

0oOo0

The first hint Inoichi had that anything was wrong was when a blonde haired, blue eyed orange blur came out of nowhere and attached its hands around his windpipe.

Inoichi was an experienced jounin who kept in shape by weekly training, despite his job in T&I keeping him out of the field for the most part; his office was guarded by numerous security procedures from ANBU guards to a series of trapped halls.

None of this saved him from the enraged academy student who was currently beating nine kinds of hell out of him.

Inoichi barely managed to hit the alarm while the intruder was attempting to insert his desk lamp into … him.

0oOo0

The Hokage slowly paced in front of the T&I division most of whom looked to have had a rough time of it. "Would someone like to explain to me why Naruto Uzumaki is in one of your high security detention cells?"

The entire group shivered from the ice in the old man's tone.

Anko decided to step forward, her situation was somewhat similar to the boys and she knew the Hokage had a soft spot for the both of them. "Uzumaki managed to break into the T&I division and target Inoichi without anyone spotting him, Inoichi sounded the alarm and we managed to subdue Uzumaki without injury and place him in a cell. Unfortunately no one thought to search him for tools and he broke out and attacked Inoichi again a few minutes later. This scene was repeated several times until we had no choice but to use one of the high security cells."

"He broke INTO T&I?" the Hokage asked, obviously stunned by that information.

"Yes Hokage-sama; we have no idea why he is so angry or why he is targeting Inoichi. Inoichi himself has never met the boy."

The Hokage took in the look of the nin and their battered guards doubtfully. "I find it hard to …"

A vent in the ceiling fell to the floor and the preteen terror fell on Inoichi like a jaguar onto a goat. "DIE!"

Chaos filled the room as Uzumaki tossed a bag filled with oil and ball bearings onto the floor and a series of flash tags into the air, distracting anyone from dragging him away from Inoichi.

0oOo0

"Okay, now I believe it," the old man said dryly, wondering why he'd never noticed that vent in the ceiling before.

Naruto Uzumaki was chained to a chair while Anko fed him ramen to calm him down.

Inoichi stood nearby with a pair of ANBU, that had promised to throw themselves in the way so he could escape if Uzumaki got loose again, to keep him calm.

"Now could someone please tell me what is going on?"

Naruto finished his bowl and nodded. "Inoichi taught his idiot daughter a jutsu and now I've got her in my head and she won't SHUT UP!"

Naruto's chains began to rattle and Anko quickly hugged the boy, pressing his face into her cleavage until he calmed down.

The adults shared nervous looks.

"If it wasn't for the squirrel girl in the cage gagging her when she can I'd have slit my wrists already," Naruto paused and cocked his head to the side like a puppy listening to something, "sorry, the gorgeous squirrel girl."

"Squirrel girl?" Anko asked what everyone was thinking.

Naruto nodded. "She's got pointed ears, red hair, and no clothes, but she wraps her big fluffy red tail around her waist like a skirt. She also rolls her eyes a lot and keeps reminding me that she looks great."

The adults looked at each other in confusion.

"Maybe you should start at the beginning," the Hokage suggested.

0oOo0

Naruto frowned as Ino and Sakura fought over the seat to Sasuke's left. He didn't see what was so great about the dark haired boy that made all the girls chase after him.

He grudgingly admitted that Sasuke was skilled, not more skilled that he was of course, but seriously who the hell wanted to spend time with someone who ignored and belittled you all the time?

The fact that Sakura treated Naruto that way, with a side order of violence, was cheerfully ignored by the blonde haired boy.

"Fine, I'll make you move!" Ino screeched, surprising Naruto, who hadn't been paying them one lick of attention, as Sakura had claimed the seat to Sasuke's left, meaning that if Ino wanted the seat to Sasuke's right she had to get rid of Naruto.

"That mind jutsu whose name dogbertcarroll can't remember!" Ino called out, nailing Naruto who was less than a foot away.

Naruto winced as Ino's body fell like a puppet with the strings cut.

"What did you do to Ino?" Sakura shrieked.

"Can it forehead!" Naruto growled, his entire posture and tone at odds with his normal self as he moved Ino's body into the seat he was just sitting in.

"How dare you?"

"Oh please, Pinky, I say worse things to you all the time, now shut up and let me figure out how to end this jutsu so I can get out of this moron!" Naruto sneered.

"Ino?"

"Now how did it go? Oh I remember!" Naruto's face screwed up in concentration and the smell of ozone filled the air as his chakra spiked, flaring blue to everyone's surprise before Naruto collapsed and Ino sat up.

"That was harder than I thought but it worked!" Ino said proudly.

Sasuke took the entire incident in stride while making a mental note to be even more aware of what his fan girls were doing, as they apparently had added body snatching to the list of dangers.

Naruto blinked and held his head while standing back up. "Damn it, Ino! No I don't want to help you; I don't care, it's your own damn fault for doing whatever the hell it was you did, now stop with the telepathy and get the hell out of my head!"

"I'm not in your head moron," Ino said, figuring it was just one of those fading echoes she'd read about in the family scrolls. "I left an echo in your head, probably because it's so empty. It'll fade in a little while."

Naruto seemed to be listening to a voice no one could hear as he repeated, "You're the echo and if you don't get out of my body right this second I'm going to come in there and kick you out."

"Hah! Echoes fade but are never generated in your own mind, so it can't be me," Ino said firmly.

"You bitch! I can't believe you'd be so heartless as to treat yourself this way. I hope you get a huge permanent zit right where everyone can see," Naruto said tonelessly. "I can't believe I'm going to die in this sewer, never gaining Sasuke's love. You can stop repeating me now, Naruto."

Naruto looked somewhat glassy eyed as he stumbled to a free seat.

After a couple of minutes Naruto started talking to himself in a low voice like he was arguing with someone, "No I don't know who she is or why she's in a cage; no I don't think it has anything to do with how I see women, no I don't know why she has pointed ears and a tail."

Another five minutes went by and Naruto started banging his head on the desk harder and harder.

0oOo0

"If not for her poking the squirrel girl in the cage … ahem, the sexy squirrel girl in the cage and waking her up, I'd probably have slit my throat by now, because she won't STOP TALKING!" Naruto glared at Inoichi with such anger that Inoichi quickly hid behind the ANBU. "I withstood it as long as I could, but once she realized she didn't need to breath to talk … me and … the very sexy squirrel girl knew something had to be done. She's wrapped up in the sexy squirrel girl's fluffy tail, muffling but not stopping her from talking."

"So you broke into torture and interrogation to ask Inoichi to help you?" the Hokage asked.

"Yes, but the moment I saw him I realized that this was all his FAULT! Well, his and his daughter's, but she's a girl so I can't beat her unconscious, thought that's looking more and more like an option as time goes by!"

"So, how long have you had her in your head now?" Anko asked.

Naruto shuddered and looked at the clock. "Over four and a half hours!" The chains holding him down began to creak under pressure, making Inoichi pale.

Anko quickly buried his face in her cleavage and stroked his hair until he calmed down.

"How do you keep calming him down like that?" Sarutobi asked curiously.

"You don't believe it's my hidden maternal instincts?" Anko asked giving him a sad pout.

Every nin in the room knew her by reputation if by nothing else and gave her matching skeptical looks until she burst out laughing, "I've coated my cleavage with a contact poison that puts people to sleep."

"Ah!" the nin chorused, as things made sense once more.

"Well it's wearing off quickly, so we'd better think of a way to solve this before I run out of poison in my booby trap," Anko announced.

"I … I'll have to teach him some of the tricks my clan has developed for dealing with mental issues," Inoichi said grudgingly. "Echoes rarely last past a day or two, but I think we can all agree that increasing his mental strength and willpower is a good idea, regardless of anyone's opinion of the boy."

The Hokage nodded. "See what you can find out about the … sexy squirrel girl while you're at it."

"Can someone unchain me, so I can beat Inoichi some more please?" Naruto asked hopefully as he woke up.

Anko found her hands moving toward the chains without thinking about it.

Inoichi quickly placed his own hands over the locks holding the chains in place. "How about I teach you some cool jutsu that only my clan know, that allows you to block out any voices in your head?"

Naruto looked thoughtful for a moment. "No tricks?" He winced. "Well I don't know your father well enough to trust him right off the bat, so give me a break!"

"Quiet-the-mindscape," Inoichi intoned, as his hands flashed through a dozen hand signs too quickly for anyone but the Hokage and Anko to follow, before placing a glowing palm on Naruto's forehead.

All the tension seemed to drain right out of the boy as he stood up, the locks he'd picked while everyone was distracted, falling to the floor with the chains.

Inoichi tensed, but Naruto ignored him in favor of hugging Anko and burying his face in her cleavage, much to her amusement.

"Thanks pretty lady," Naruto said. "I don't get many hugs, but yours are definitely in the top two of best of all time!"

"No problem brat, whenever you want a hug feel free; I don't get many either," she teased.

Inoichi quickly shunshined off with the boy, so they could get started before the technique wore off.

"I like that kid, he's got a set of brass balls on him," Anko said with a chuckle, "not to mention a high resistance to the poisons I secrete."

"I thought you coated your breasts with poison?" Sarutobi asked curiously.

"I do," Anko replied, "because I don't secrete poison from my nipples, that'd be silly."

0oOo0

Naruto looked around the dojo. "Nice place you've got here."

"It's not my place its yours," Inoichi intoned gravely, tightening the sash on his martial arts gi.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked confusedly.

"Do you think that's air you're breathing?"

Naruto chuckled. "Ah, gotcha, this is my mind, which is why this dojo looks like something I saw in a kick ass movie."

"Exactly," Inoichi said with a hint of a smile, pleased by the amount of detail in the scene. It was always easier to work with intelligent people in the mindscape and he'd been afraid that from what he'd heard that Naruto was rather dim.

The doors to the dojo burst open and a blonde missile took Inoichi down with a scream of, "Daddy!"

"Do you think that's floor you're eating?" Naruto asked rhetorically as he stepped out of the dojo and closed the door behind him before walking through the cavern to approach the cage that held the redhead.

"Hello squirrel girl!" he greeted her cheerfully.

"I'm a fox," she replied softly but with some amusement in her green slitted eyes.

"You've got quite an ego," Naruto replied, "and this is me saying that."

She giggled lightly as Naruto examined her.

"Okay, I'll admit your pride in your looks is well deserved."

"I can't tell if you're joking or not," she replied.

"Seriously you're one hot mama. If you walked down the street like that, I'm sure a number of men would walk into walls and knock themselves out."

"I'm not a squirrel, look at my teeth and my numerous tails," she smirked, "I am a fox girl."

"And a very foxy one at that," Naruto instantly shot back with a grin.

He was rewarded with a number of soft bushy tails pulling him close so she could kiss his cheek.

Examining the cage, to hide his blush, he noted a large paper tag that simply said 'Seal' on it, holding the cage shut; as he reached up to pull it off her cage she quickly covered it with her tails. "Warranty void if seal is broken," she said teasingly.

"Don't you want out?" he asked. "It doesn't look all that comfortable in there."

One of her tails flicked the air behind her until it held a valley the size of Konoha itself, teeming with life.

Naruto stepped between the bars and took a look at her creation. "What's with the giant rabbits?"

She smiled. "I quite like rabbits, in fact that was my favorite animal form, but as I gained tails it began to look too strange. In the end I decided to switch to a fox, when someone mentioned as a nine tailed rabbit I looked like I had cauliflower growing out of my butt."

Naruto almost fell over laughing as she used a couple of tails to prop him up. "That was a good one, so … nine tailed fox huh, how's that working for you?"

"It was going fine until humanity started locking more and more of the tailed beasts away," she replied, "meaning I had to do everyone's job." Flicking her tail and changing the cage back to the way it was, but with a table and tea set between them.

"Man, am I glad I don't have your job," Naruto said with a relieved sigh.

She smirked once more. "Funny you should say that ..."

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	51. Chapter 51

**Elbow Room**

***BAM! BAM! BAM!***

Xander blinked and sat up, his mind fuzzily grasping at what he last remembered. Ignoring whatever was breaking down the door he looked around the room and quickly examined himself. He appeared to be in an abandoned cabin, and even worse in the body of a half-starved prepubescent boy! 'Better than a prepubescent girl,' he thought to himself, snatching up the fireplace poker and wondering when he had gotten de-aged.

Dodging to the side as the door fell to the floor, he swung the poker at waist level and was rewarded with a loud curse and the poker snapping.

"Cheap ass pot metal!" Xander cursed.

"Freeze!" a really overweight man with a mustache that would have looked right at home on a walrus yelled as he came out of the back room of the cabin with a shotgun.

Xander didn't even think twice; it was a small room but it took him several steps more than he thought it should to cross it.

The fat man instinctively moved the gun towards Xander, who dealt with him the same way he always did with threats over four times his size – he punched him in the groin.

Apparently the man hadn't been expecting that at all and Xander was able to catch the gun, flipping off the safety he turned to see what had knocked the door in.

"Hey Har-" the way too huge to be a normal human began, just before Xander stuck the barrel of the shotgun against his groin.

"Who are you and why have you broken in?" Xander demanded, annoyed at how young his voice sounded.

"I'm Rubeus Hagrid, the Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts," the giant of a man said quickly, "I've come to deliver your acceptance letter."

Xander looked into Hagrid's eyes and could tell that for all his size and strength he was completely unused to violence and believed what he was saying.

"Sorry," Xander apologized moving the gun away. "People breaking in in the middle of the night make me jumpy."

"Boy you'll pay for that!" the fat man growled as he was helped to his feet by a young boy, who looked far too much like the fat man to be healthy and a woman who apparently had a giraffe somewhere in her ancestry. She was also severely constipated if the look on her face was anything to go by.

"Watch yer mouth Dursley ya great prune," Hagrid growled out, obviously not liking his threats toward Xander, before putting the door back in place and lighting a fire in the fireplace using his umbrella of all things!

Despite his harsh words Dursley didn't do anything more than glare at the two.

"Why do you have flamethrower hidden in your umbrella?" Xander asked curiously. "Not that it's not cool or anything but it can't have much fuel."

"Flamethrower?" The big man's face wrinkled in confusion behind his bushy black beard. "Nah, I've got the pieces of my wand in there, but I'd appreciate you not telling anyone."

"Magic wand?" Xander asked curiously, moving closer to the fireplace with the shotgun still tucked under his arm.

"Not one more word!" Dursley yelled. "I forbid it!"

Hagrid looked over at him. "Forbid it?"

"We swore there'd be no more unnaturalness when we got our hands on him!" the giraffe woman said primly.

"You mean to tell me he don't know nothin' about nothin'?" Hagrid demanded, a storm slowly growing on his face.

Xander shrugged. "I'm completely in the dark here," he admitted.

The look Hagrid threw the group sent them scrambling into the room they'd popped out of and barring the door behind them.

"Make with the info," Xander ordered, only to be interrupted by his stomach growling loud enough to be heard over the background rumble of the storm outside.

Hagrid wore a patched something-skin coat large enough to be used as a three man tent. Reaching into one of the pockets he pulled out a cake box. "Here, I made this for you."

Xander opened it up revealing a chocolate cake. "Why does it say 'Happy Birthday Harry?"

"Because it's after midnight, making this July 31st, Happy birthday Harry!"

"My name is Alexander Lavelle Harris and my birthday is in September," Xander replied.

Hagrid's eyes darted to Xander's brow. "The Dursley's have lied about a lot to you; you eat and I'll explain things."

"Sure," Xander said agreeably before digging in.

"Your name is Harry Potter…"

0oOo0

**Morning **

Xander woke up to a tapping at the window and crawled out of Hagrid's coat, which he'd used as a blanket, pillow, and tent.

"Daily paper," Hagrid said with a yawn as he awoke and stretched out on the ancient sofa the room had that just barely fit him, despite looking to have been made for a family of five to sit comfortably. "Let him in and give him a couple of knuts, they're the copper coins in the top pocket."

Xander pulled out a couple of dog biscuits, a field mouse, and some copper coins before opening the window and finding himself nose to beak with a large brown horned owl.

The owl held out a leg which had a newspaper tied to it with a leather strap.

Xander quickly untied it and tossed it to Hagrid.

The owl switched legs, holding out a leg which had a small leather pouch on it.

Xander dropped a pair of copper coins in it before holding his palms out flat. "If you're hungry we've got a field mouse, otherwise I'd suggest the dog biscuit. It'll help you sharpen your beak and give your feathers a healthy sheen, which will help you out with the opposite sex."

The owl snatched up a dog biscuit and flew off.

Xander closed the window and turned back to find that Hagrid had somehow managed to produce a frying pan and sausages which he was cooking in the fireplace.

"The wizarding world sounds like a bunch of nuts," Xander said, continuing the conversation from last night. "But it also sounds like a lot of fun and your magic looks like it'd be something useful to know."

"Good!" Hagrid beamed. "I'd hate to be the one to tell them I was the one who'd convinced the Boy Who Lived not to join us."

Xander laughed.

0oOo0

"Return," Hagrid commanded, tapping the rowboat with his umbrella and sending it paddling itself back to the island.

"Why couldn't you use that to get it here?" Xander asked curiously.

"The return spell only makes it return to the last place it came from; so if I used it to get us here I couldn't use it to return it to your relatives."

"Makes sense," Xander agreed. "We'll try and sneak into Diagon Alley and get me some decent clothes before anyone sees me and wants autographs."

Hagrid chuckled. "Okay Har- I mean Xander."

0oOo0

The predatory spirit had felt its surroundings change and had shifted to conform. It mas much harder to stalk prey when you stood out. Better to blend in so you could choose when to strike after all.

Familiar landmarks had changed positions and territories had shifted around a bit but it wasn't wholly unrecognizable, so once it had made itself at home again it would track down the latest edition to the mindscape and … say hi.

0oOo0

Diagon Alley was exactly the kind of place George Lucas would have invented if he'd tried his hand at writing fantasy Xander decided after a moment; it was like Mos Eisley by way of Tolkien.

"Beautiful ain't it?" Hagrid asked proudly.

"It's something alright!" Xander replied cheerfully.

"First Gringotts for some gold and then we'll get your things for school," Hagrid promised as he lead him through a multicolored crowd of magic users to an imposing stone edifice made of black marble with enormous silver doors engraved with some rhyme about greed and theft.

Xander paused at the top of the stairs leading into the bank and stared at the short, green, sharp toothed, and clawed beings behind the counters. The fact that they were all impeccably dressed in gray suits and burgundy vests just heightened his wariness.

"Goblins run Gringotts," Hagrid explained. "They're a bit rude, but they guard the money like it's their own."

Xander's palm itched for a weapon, of course he'd often felt that way while surrounded by suits so he tried to ignore it.

Hagrid guided him into line and to Xander's joy the line moved quickly.

"What do you want?" The goblin demanded rudely as they reached the front.

"Access to his vault for him and I'm here to pick up you-know-what for you-know-who," Hagrid whispered loudly enough to match Xander's normal speaking voice.

"Key," The goblin demanded and looked disgusted when Hagrid had to dig through his pockets to find it, dropping half a dozen random things on his ledger.

Xander was still feeling a bit peckish and without thinking about it, his left hand darted out and grabbed a small grass snake. He bit off its head before slurping it down like a strand of spaghetti, having gotten into the habit in Africa.

The goblin raised an eyebrow but didn't comment as Hagrid presented his key a moment later.

"Griphook!" The goblin yelled, calling a goblin with an impressive set of keys on his belt over and presented Xander's key before rattling something off in a language that sounded vaguely familiar to Xander.

"Follow me," Griphook ordered before leading them to what looked like a roller coaster car designed to look like a mining cart.

"These things always upset my stomach," Hagrid complained as he climbed in the back, while Xander took the middle bench seat.

The goblin grinned toothily as he pulled the release lever.

"Whoo hoo!" Xander cheered as the cart did everything but loop de loops through long dark tunnels with the occasional glimpse of subterranean wonders that almost took his breath away.

Hagrid groaned and held his stomach when they finally came to a stop, about five minutes later.

"Potter Trust Vault," Griphook announced, climbing out of the cart and approaching a large steel door set into the rough hewn wall. Griphook stuck the tiny gold key into a keyhole in the wall before inserting a large metal skeleton key into the door causing the door to ripple like water before vanishing.

Xander stepped into the vault and froze as he saw what almost looked like a dragon's hoard. Spying a leather sack by the door he decided that things must cost a lot of money in the magic world and filled the sack accordingly.

"Something not to your satisfaction?" Griphook asked as he saw his frown as the young boy left the vault.

"Just doesn't look right without gems scattered about," Xander complained, "and nothing says hoard like gold and jewel encrusted odds and ends taken from somebody with more money than brains, preferably by trickery or force."

"Indeed," the goblin said his smile bright.

"A large dragon wouldn't be amiss either," Xander said wistfully.

"Maybe an ornate throne on one of the larger piles of gold," Griphook added.

"Booby trapped of course," Xander agreed, "because anyone that has killed you to take your hoard will immediately sit in it, to cement the fact that they've beaten you and boom, revenge from beyond the grave."

Griphook laughed as they climbed back into the cart.

Hagrid had recovered from the ride but soon relapsed as they sped toward you-know-what for you-know-who for god-only-knows-why. Hagrid climbed out of the cart unsteadily, when they reached their destination a good ten minutes or so later, much to both Xander and Griphook's amusement.

Xander watched as they opened the vault, the process involving three keys and some chanting, but was disappointed to only see a small cloth pouch in the center of the vault. "Should layer booby traps in the vault and add some sort of illusion to make the thieves think the treasure is hidden."

"It's an empty vault," Griphook pointed out.

"A robber wouldn't know that and the longer they take, the better the chance of catching them."

"No one has ever managed to break into Gringotts," Griphook said proudly.

Xander winced. "Now you're just taunting Murphy."

"Who?" the goblin asked as they climbed back in the cart.

"Murphy's Law says 'whatever can go wrong will go wrong'. So by saying Gringotts has never been broken into, you're taunting Murphy or daring the universe to prove you wrong," Xander explained loudly as the cart picked up speed.

"Wizards always act like nothing can go wrong," Griphook replied doubtfully.

"Humans came up with it, not wizards!" Xander yelled over the wind. "I think you call them muggles!"

"The muggles came up with this law?" Griphook asked intently just loud enough to be heard.

"Yeah," Xander assured him, "it's about the perversity of perception!"

The cart reached the lobby and Hagrid climbed out of the cart as if he were afraid it would take off again before he could get out.

"Know any place to buy weapons?" Xander asked as he put the heavy bag of gold over his shoulder. "I feel naked without something I can stab things with on me."

Griphook's smile took up half his face and he reached into his vest and pulled out a foot long grayish silver knife with a serrated edge and the tip sweeping back into a sharp hook. It had no tang, the metal melding smoothly with the bone handle. "Made this a couple of months ago, it hasn't even been blooded yet."

Xander drooled and his palms itched. In Africa he'd learned to never go unarmed, even when going to the can and that habit had been engraved enough that his lack of a weapon was making him a little paranoid. "How much?" he asked eagerly.

"Three hundred galleons," the goblin replied proudly, exaggerating the price since he'd just been intending to show it off, not sell it. It was the finest example of his work so far, but he was far from a master craftsman.

"Deal!" Xander said eagerly and before he could blink, Griphook found his hands full of galleons.

Xander tested the edge of the blade with his thumb, grinning when it parted the skin effortlessly before spinning it in his hands and trying a half dozen basic moves to get a feel for it.

Hagrid, much recovered, nodded to himself seeing Xander knew what he was doing and figured every boy should have a pocket knife, it was only a little bitty thing anyway.

Xander made the blade vanish. "Thanks Griphook! Off to shopping?" he asked Hagrid.

"Yeah we'd best get started," Hagrid agreed, leading Xander off.

One of the armored security goblins stepped over to the shocked Griphook. "Notice he deliberately wet it with his own blood?"

Griphook poured the money into one of his pockets. "The kid's a goblin in human skin, I've gotta talk to the vault manager."

0oOo0

"Isn't there a magic way to do this that doesn't involve me standing around getting stuck by pins?" Xander asked, his low tolerance for clothes shopping already exceeded by stepping in the door, much less standing with his arms outstretched like he was standing to be measured for his own crucifixion scene.

"Yes, but that costs an extra two galleons," Madam Malkin began.

"Here!" Xander exclaimed, handing her two galleons. "It's cheap at twice the price!"

The blonde boy standing next to him put his arms down and started searching his own pockets. "Dammit!"

Xander gave the woman another two galleons. "That covers both of us, bye!"

The two boys fled in different directions.

Knowing that Hagrid was going to be a while and that the fitting was supposed to take at least an hour, Xander immediately ducked down Knockturn Alley. "Nice of Hagrid to point this place out for me."

Normally while he was in Africa, any time he found himself in a new territory Xander would find the sleaziest dive, lead off with some explosives, kill a couple of the vilest demons, and then order a drink, to introduce himself to the local demon population. But here he'd been reduced to a half starved boy whose balls had barely dropped, dressed in rags, and carrying a sack full of gold. So the question was what should he do?

0oOo0

***BOOM!***

An empty table in the middle of the room turned into an explosion of heat and light, sending wooden shrapnel throughout the room, as the concussive force flung everyone about.

Xander strode in, helmet under his arm, a belt filled with potion vials around his waist, black full plate chitinous armor shrunk to fit his miniscule frame that fit him like an exoskeleton. "Hey Lucy, I'm HOME!"

Fenrir Greyback sprung to his feet, his lycanthrope healing allowing him to recover almost instantly as the beast inside him roared in pain and rage and transformed his already 6'4" frame into a 7'+ massive engine of destruction.

Seeing the wall of furry flesh looming over him over four times his size, Xander did the logical thing.

There was a flash of silver below his waist and Fenrir Greyback turned into a tiny whimpering ball.

Without missing a beat Xander climbed atop him. "Hi everyone!" he called out cheerfully. "I just wanted to pop in and say hi and I wanted to make sure that everyone here knew who I was and what the penalty for crossing me was."

Eyes darted to Xander's footstool, and back to his face, finally spotting the scar on his brow.

"Well with that out of the way I have to finish my school shopping, so toodles!"

After he left the bartender asked, "What the hell just happened?"

"I think someone was giving you a warning Lucius," Knott said, casting a numbing spell on his bloody left arm.

"Me?" Lucius asked in confusion.

"Remember what Lily Potter called you during the attack on Molstrum's place?"

Lucius paled, looking at the whimpering werewolf and then at the werewolf's bloody scrotum lying several feet away. "Well he's got his mother's charm that's for sure."

A tiny beetle fluttered drunkenly out the door unnoticed.

0oOo0

Hagrid looked around Madam Malkin's with a pair of ice cream cones.

Xander walked in a couple of seconds later, wearing nice but obviously broken in black robes with a leather backpack in the same condition.

"There you are!" Hagrid said spotting Harry and handing him a cone. "Got your fitting done?"

"Yep," Xander replied cheerfully, "what's next?"

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**

**AN2: This was a general idea of a Xander who had gone a bit feral in the wilds of Africa getting switched out with Harry Potter.**


	52. Chapter 52

**Can You Get More Cynical?**

**TN:(I'm sure I can, but perhaps not. Ask dogbert later. XD)**

"I've known tons of couples and about 80% of them have cheated on each other and broke up. I've known about 20 people in cults, only one left it and they had to be kidnapped and go through deprogramming for that to happen."

"What's your point?"

"If you want a stable relationship that will last, fuck love! Go for Stockholm Syndrome, it's a lot more reliable."

0oOo0

"Wow that is just adorable."

"You're right, we'll need more C4."

"What?"

"The only reason for something to be that cute in a place like this is to lull us into a false sense of security. That sucker's probably more dangerous than a unicorn to a virgin!"

"A unicorn to a virgin?"

"Yeah, people always talk about their magical powers to purify things and them laying their heads in the laps of various maidens, but I'm recalling the damage a horn like that can do AND where they place it on a maiden."

"That's sick!"

"Don't blame me; I didn't design the damn things."

0oOo0

"Hi!" Xander said cheerfully, causing the blonde haired girl to jump before freezing like a rabbit that had spotted a wolf. After waiting a minute and realizing she was just going to stand there and stare at the floor Xander sighed; he'd never known how bad she'd had it but he'd suspected it. "My name's Xander and I'll be your kidnapper this evening!" he said cheerfully.

Tara's head came up and she stared at him in shock.

"Yes, I'm serious," he assured her. "So you had best pack up everything you want to take with you, because you aren't going to be returning here."

"W-what about my f-family?" Tara stuttered.

"Kennedy is taking care of them, so they'll probably wake up with a headache in a couple of hours; long after we're gone," Xander explained. "Unless of course packing takes you a couple of hours, in which case they'll wake up with two lumps on the head and a headache."

"M-Mom?" she asked worriedly.

It was Xander's turn to freeze for a moment. "She's alive? You mean she didn't disappear and your father claim the demon in her awoke and she was never seen again?"

Tara stared at him in horror.

"I only know what happened last time second hand; you never went into a whole lot of detail and I wasn't going to press you for any."

"D-demon?" she asked terrified.

"That was the claim, but while I haven't tested your mother I do know that you don't have any demon in you. So the odds of your mother even being part demon are vanishingly small."

"H-how?" she stuttered out, not even sure which part she was questioning.

"A magical whoopsie sent us back in time. Naturally we worried about paradox, but an idiot friend of ours proved that wasn't a factor; so naturally we decided on a list of people to save."

"And the kidnapping?" she asked, eying him like he was an escaped mental patient.

"Saves time," Xander replied cheerfully.

Kennedy chose that moment to make an appearance. "Okay that makes three Jed's down, now what?"

"Now I help Tara pack and you help her mom."

"Her mom's alive?"

"Yeah, we got here early enough to save her too," Xander replied happily.

"Okay, where's your mom, Tara?" Kennedy asked. "I haven't seen her outside."

"S-she's in bed," Tara admitted.

"At 9AM?"

She shrank down. "She fell..." Tara said staring at the floor once more.

Xander's face went blank and he turned to leave, but Kennedy quickly wrapped her arms around him and lifted him off the ground. "Where are you going?"

Tara looked up and her eyes widened at Kennedy's casual display of strength.

"I'm going to have a few words with her father," Xander replied coldly.

"I thought we agreed no killing?"

"I'm not going to kill him; I'm just going to make sure he can't father any more children … ever."

"He can't!" Tara burst out.

The two kidnapper's heads turned to Tara.

"M-mom didn't like the way h-he was looking at me w-when I was 14 so she ..." Tara's voice trailed off.

"See?" Kennedy asked, setting Xander down. "It's already done."

"Okay, I'll help Tara pack while you help her mom."

Kennedy squeezed him gently before letting him go. "Good, now no rushing off to cause any needed or unneeded injuries to the unconscious morons."

"I promise," Xander said with a sigh.

"Good, then I'll make sure Tara's mom is okay and help her to the van," Kennedy said before kissing him on the cheek and heading upstairs.

Tara didn't have much that she wanted to take with her; some clothes – all dull and shapeless, and a book and some herbs that she hid in her backpack, along with some feminine items.

"Are you sure that's everything?" Xander asked gently.

"We don't have any hidden fortune or anything," Tara said, wondering if that's what the strange couple was there for. Their earlier explanation was too strange for her to accept without a lot of proof.

"I mean anything with sentimental value," he said. "I'm already a millionaire many times over."

Tara gave him a skeptical look.

"I once dated a girl who, when a similar time blip happened, demanded lottery numbers and was upset that none of us involved knew any; we tried to turn it around and challenge her for last week's lottery numbers, but it turned out she always memorized them, just in case."

Tara just stared, forgetting her customary shyness for a moment.

"I know, Cordelia was money and status conscious at the time, like you wouldn't believe, but she did manage to badger me into the habit of memorizing them when I ran across them. So one of the first things I did on getting thrown back in time was have an older friend win and manage the money for me."

"You didn't win yourself?"

"My current self is underage and unlike you I don't even have one reliable parent. So no direct wins until I am legally 18, because my fake ID wouldn't stand up to the scrutiny," Xander explained with a sigh.

"That makes sense..." Tara said slowly.

"Yep, so think personal value to you, not monetary value."

"I do have a couple of things, but they're locked up."

"I have a crowbar and failing that, I'll do the manly thing and ask Kennedy to break the lock."

0oOo0

Xander was glad he'd taken Kennedy's advice and bought the battered Chevy van because although Tara didn't have much, Janice (Tara's mother) made up for it.

Tara stared into the back of the van where her mother lay asleep in her own bed. "I don't think she actually meant to take all this furniture. It was probably just the medication talking," she said, too stunned to stutter at the lengths the two went to do what they said they were going to do.

Xander started the van as Kennedy hopped in and buckled up.

"We're all tied down and ready to go," Kennedy said.

"Then let's roll."

0oOo0

"So, why all the interest in my daughter?" Janice asked, the painkillers she was on having partially worn off during the last three hours of driving and she had refused to take another.

"She was my best friend's girlfriend and they were deeply in love when some idiot's wild shot came through the bedroom window and killed her," Xander replied quietly. "We all loved Tara and losing her so soon after Joyce ..."

Kennedy reached over and placed a hand over one of his on the steering wheel and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I just know of you as my ex's ex, who I could never quite measure up to; not in a bad way, just in a frustrating one, if you get what I mean?"

"I'd find it all more believable if you showed signs of the wealth you claim," Janice said, "this van doesn't exactly fit the story."

"This van is disposable," Xander said as they pulled into a wrecking yard. "Once we get everything loaded into the RV we'll just dump it here."

Pulling around a stack of cars they stopped alongside a brand new 30' long RV.

"We'll probably have to rent a trailer to store all the furniture in," Kennedy said. "Not much cargo space for things like that."

"You can leave almost all of it," Janice replied. "The painkillers are a little strong, so I wasn't quite right when you asked what I wanted to bring. Really, other than personal possessions I just wanted to bring everything so he wouldn't have it."

0oOo0

David rubbed his aching head and stumbled towards the house. "Tara!" he called out, frowning when she didn't immediately appear to help him. "Damn girl needs another lesson in how to obey her betters..." he muttered as he opened the door to the living room and froze, seeing that the entire room had been stripped bare.

**AN:Typing by godogma!**


	53. Chapter 53

**Kick Ass**

Some people would call me crazy, in fact I'm pretty sure that includes just about everyone I know, even if some would be saying it in admiration; but I just can't stop. If I see someone in trouble I lend a hand, whether that hand has one of my sticks in it or not depends on the trouble.

I enjoy helping people just as much as I enjoy hurting the bad guys. Hitgirl doesn't get that, but then her entire training was about hurting the bad guys and she is extremely good at it. If there was a prize for taking out scum she and Katie would tie for first place.

Okay, still a bit bitter about how things went with Katie, but I'll get to that later.

Hitgirl doesn't get my helping people thing – at least not by helping people change a tire or get a cat out of a tree. The one time someone asked her to get a cat out of a tree she blasted the branch off the tree, dropping the cat to the ground; the leaves cushioned its fall so the cat was fine, but no one ever asked her to get their cat out of a tree again.

"So, are you in?" Red-Mist asked. Yes, Chris was back in costume.

I stared at the swirling portal that looked like something from the SciFi channel and nodded. Okay, maybe I am crazy; I'm about to jump into a swirling portal, in a costume, to save the life of a man who'd killed the father of my best friend, and I'm doing it on the word of someone who'd betrayed me and almost led me to my death… and just recently stole my girlfriend.

I should probably start at the beginning …

Dave Lizewski yawned and crawled out of bed. Anyone seeing the amount of bruises his chest and back were covered with would assume they were the reason he was groaning and crawling. The real reason however was because it was 4:30AM and a training day.

Mindy wouldn't let him skip training days for anything less than a broken limb and had offered to give him a break if he needed one. Mindy, Dave had reflected, was excellent at motivating people. He knew she was probably joking but the 'probably' made him go the extra mile. Mindy was perfectly capable of putting him in traction to keep him from getting hurt and she'd told him in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to be a hero he had to work for it or he'd end up as just another statistic. It was sweet – sort of.

Reaching the shower he got up on his knees and turned the water on full cold. He didn't feel the cold as much as he used to but it was more than enough to wake him up.

After a quick shower he put on his sweats and jogged over to Mindy's, it was over five miles but Mindy encouraged him to jog it by promising a lighter workout if he'd gotten in that much exercise beforehand. He couldn't tell the difference in the end, because all of her workouts left him exhausted and barely able to move. She had a point though, those exercise routines left him in far better shape than he'd thought possible and taking down the bad guys got a whole lot easier.

Still a five mile jog always had him gasping for breath at the end of it.

"Did you really run all the way here from your house?" Marcus asked when he opened the front door and found Dave panting on the porch.

Dave nodded, not saying anything – just taking deep breaths and waiting for his heart rate to reach something approaching normal.

"I'll get you some coffee," Marcus said, returning with a cup a moment later which Dave gulped down despite the heat.

"Thanks, I needed that."

"I could tell," Marcus said with a chuckle while tightening the belt on his fluffy purple bathrobe. Marcus always found it amusing how Dave would jump at Mindy's command when it came to training. The sun wasn't even up yet and Dave was already here after running five miles and Mindy was about to drag him off until about noon, when they would return with Mindy in a great mood with some color in her cheeks and Dave looking like death warmed over.

"She says it'll give me a big boost in stamina," Dave explained now that he'd caught his breath.

Marcus' smile froze. He really wasn't sure what the relationship between the two was and Dave did show up with what could very well be hickeys just peeking out of the collar of his shirt at times when they came back … Marcus forced that thought back down. Mindy was almost a teenager and a good four years younger than Dave, but anyone trying to push Mindy into anything she didn't want to do was taking their life into their own hands and unlike with other people with Mindy that wasn't just an expression.

"Hey Dave, ready?" Mindy Macready asked bouncing down the stairs and ready for anything. At 12 Mindy was more than a foot shorter than Dave and a lot more slender with blonde hair and blue eyes that would let her get away with murder, but her slender frame held not a single ounce of baby fat, as she kept up a training regimen that was just short of Olympic levels.

"Bring on the pain," Dave replied cheerfully.

Marcus internally winced. Maybe he should leave a book or two around the house that would encourage and educate her on more normal romantic relationships.

0oOo0

Dave concentrated on keeping his pushup as steady as possible. If he jerked even the slightest amount it wouldn't count and Mindy would know. Of course the reason Mindy would know is because she had her hands on his shoulders as she was doing her own pushups on top of him, which meant he had to compensate for her movements as well. "Twenty!" Dave called out, forcing his muscles not to tremble by force of will.

"Give me five more and we're done," Mindy said, before doubling the speed of her own pushups, which forced him to tighten his muscles even more to stop his movements from being affected by it.

He pushed through the first three thanking god for the car that had hit him and reduced his sensitivity to pain. The last two were looking like they were going to kill him. "Twenty four!" he called out, locking his arms in place and taking a deep breath before lowering himself down for the final pushup.

Sweat dripped down his face and he moved with agonizing slowness while listening to Mindy count her own off. "64, 65, 66..."

He closed his eyes and suppressed a wince as sweat ran into them, feeling like he was trying to push the world down with a running jackhammer on his back. The rush as his elbows locked and he called out "Twenty five!" actually gave him an erection as he collapsed to the ground.

"Seventy!" Mindy called out, not losing a beat as he collapsed. "Wuss," she declared, lying on his back.

"I did 25 with you on top of me without screwing up," he protested with a grin on his face. "I think that beats your 70."

Mindy shifted and a metal weight hit the floor to the side of him with a solid thump that shook the floor a little. "I did 70 with a fifty fuckin' pound weight on my back, beat that."

He looked at the weight and laughed while rolling over onto his back and hoping to get a little payback, but Mindy was ready for that trick and somehow managed to roll with him so she ended up atop him with her lying on her back as he lay face up.

Mindy wiggled against him until she got him a bit more comfortably beneath her. "You fuckin' love this shit, you get off on it! Admit it."

Dave stared at the ceiling and listened to his pulse pound as he lay on the floor, like he was trying to make a snow angel in the brown shag carpet of their safe house. Spending time with Mindy had made him damn near immune to embarrassment, but having her wriggle on top of his erection until she was comfortable, followed by some choice innuendo still had him trying to defend himself, even though her next shot would probably be even worse. "It just feels so good when I stop moving."

"Katie must be disappointed as shit then."

He groaned and wrapped his arms around her; getting his revenge by hugging her when they both needed to cool down from their workout.

Mindy basked in the warmth, even though she was sweating from her own workout. She'd lost Big Daddy, but Dave was still here for her and still fought by her side, a form of companionship she couldn't seem to live without and she treasured more than anything.

Eventually they both cooled down and the AC actually caused goosebumps as it dried their sweat.

"Okay, we need a shower," Dave said, not moving.

"You wash mine, I wash yours?" Mindy teased.

Dave groaned. "I meant we both need to take separate showers."

"I'll break you of that fucking body modesty yet!" Mindy swore. "Can't have you watching my back if I'm worried you'll get us killed because you're distracted by my tits."

"Grow some tits and we'll talk," Dave shot back deadpan. "I don't have a problem with seeing you naked if it's needed, but unless it is ..." his voice trailed off.

"I know I ain't got shit to show off yet, so what's the problem? You worried about me seeing you naked? You're my friend I promise; no pointing and laughing."

Dave laughed despite himself. "Nah, it's just a slight breeze gives me a stiff one – it even gets hard when I'm worried about getting hard. Like I'm talking about it and it wants to butt into the conversation. So I'm worried it'll get hard because I'm around you naked, like I'm some huge perv; and what if it turns out I am a huge perv and didn't know it? What if I'm some sort of scumbag and you being naked pushes me over the edge?"

"You're worried you'll be attracted to me?"

"In some ways you're more mature than I am," Dave admitted, "and if you were my age it'd be no problem, but ..."

"You're worried that I'll lure you into lusting after pre-teen girls?"

"Kinda yeah," he finally answered after a few minutes of silence.

"Dave, you worry about the strangest things," she replied with a chuckle. "Nice to know you find 'me' attractive even if you ain't exactly hot for my bod just yet. Considering who you choose to date, IE Kate, I don't think you have to worry about lusting after pre-teen girls in general. Now as for lusting after me in particular … I am all sorts of awesome and I'm gonna be smokin' hot in a coupla years, but that's just a burden I'll have to live with."

She waited until he finished laughing. "Okay, we'll be doing some basic medical training next week – common stuff like how to treat stab wounds and broken bones. Expect some nudity, but I'll skip the co-ed showers until I'm old enough you won't feel like a perv for perving on me."

"That I can handle," Dave replied with relief.

"And there will be some handling involved, but as it deals with such serious a subject as making sure neither of us bleeds out or cripples ourselves trying to run with broken shit, I figure you'll be fine."

He wrapped his arms around her in a hug, before rolling over and trapping her underneath him. "Dibs on the first shower!" he said leaping to his feet and running off.

Mindy grinned evilly. Dave didn't know it, but he'd just earned some epic payback and she had just gotten a great idea for a prank.

0oOo0

Chris D'Amico put on his mask and stared at himself in the mirror. The last time he'd worn this outfit a lot of people had gotten killed, people he knew … his father and it was all his fault.

He'd thought about going the villain route but once he'd sobered up he'd changed his mind; but not before some of his drunken ideas had been carried out.

The few family members that had stuck with him in the end out of loyalty to his father had carried out three of his drunken ideas.

Looking himself in the mirror one last time he shook off thoughts of the past, as it was the future he should be concerned with and ironically enough it lead back to Kick Ass. If he could get Kick-Ass' help, he … they could fix things.

**AN: Typing by godogma!**


	54. Chapter 54

**Preemptive Proaction!**

**TN:(No! We aren't dead!)**

Harry waited until everyone was seated and the train had pulled out before telling them his idea, "This year I'm going to take care of the DADA teacher first thing, so I can have a quiet year."

He was genuinely surprised at his friends reactions; all of which were a variant of 'Are you nuts?'

"Name a single year that wouldn't have been improved by offing the DADA teacher!" he challenged.

"Last year!" Hermione shot back. "Lupin did a great job."

"If you don't count trying to kill and eat us, sure," Harry replied. "But if not for his interference we'd have caught Pettigrew and avoided Snape."

"And who would have taught you the Patronus charm that saved your life?" she challenged.

"I have every confidence that once you learned about the dementors you would have learned it and taught it to me," Harry said.

Draco opened the door, unnoticed by the car's occupants.

"Be that as it may, you can't go around killing teachers, you'll get expelled!"

"I'm just talking about killing one teacher!" Harry argued, "and I won't get expelled; hell the last teacher I killed Dumbledore gave me points for!"

Draco quickly slid shut the door and ran to inform the other Slytherins about Harry's plans to kill Snape.

"And what are you going to do? Just walk right up and hit him with a reducto at point blank range?" Hermione yelled.

Harry pulled out a notepad and wrote that idea down.

"That wasn't a suggestion, Harry!" she growled.

"Bloody good idea though," Harry said. "It's the last thing anyone would expect me to do."

"While I'm glad to see you taking notes and listening to my suggestions I didn't mean you should use that on our DADA teacher," Hermione stated firmly.

"Can I use it on Snape?" Harry asked half seriously.

"No! You may not reducto Snape!" Hermione growled, ignoring the way Ron and Ginny both began begging her to reconsider and Luna and Neville's giggles.

"See! They agree that it's a bloody great plan!" Harry declared with a grin.

"It's a lousy plan!" Hermione argued. "If you wanted to kill Snape you'd be better off using a muggle poison, preferably a binary one."

"What's a binary poison and why a muggle one?" Ron asked.

"A binary poison is a poison that requires two parts to work," Hermione automatically lectured. "That way he could test for poison all he liked and he'd never find any, because we'd trick him into mixing it himself, by lacing his tea with one part and coating his boots with the other."

"But how'd you get him to eat his boots?" Ron asked.

She rolled her eyes. "You don't; the stuff on his boots just needs to be absorbed through the skin – so when he puts his boots on in the morning he'd drop dead. You could have tea with him and be perfectly safe as long as you didn't touch the second part of the poison yourself. It provides the perfect alibi, and since its muggle, no wizard would look for it!" she finished.

In the hall Daphne Greengrass pulled her ear from the door and rushed to confirm what Draco was telling the others; they were going to kill her head of house!

Harry finished writing Hermione's idea down, much to her horror.

"You can't kill Snape!"

"Actually, following your plan I'm pretty sure he could and get away with it," Luna disagreed.

"Oh god! I'm an accessory!" Hermione moaned, dropping her face into her palms.

"I'm not planning on killing Snape," Harry denied, ignoring Ron's pout. "Actually I wasn't planning on killing anyone, what I was planning was stunning the DADA teacher and using veritaserum to find out whatever it is he's hiding so I can have a nice quiet year."

"Actually there should be some excitement regardless," Hermione reminded him, "the Tri-wizard, remember?"

"I'll count watching someone else jump through hoops as a quiet day, thanks."

"How can you not want to be in the Tri-Wizard?" Ron demanded. "The winner gets it all; fame, glory, and a thousand galleons!"

"All fame's gotten me is people expecting me to be something I'm not and a load of enemies that want me dead. Not to mention a mostly dead Dark Lord who wants to stage a comeback tour," Harry said bitterly.

Ron just stood and blinked for a moment. "Umm, I don't think the fame from the Tri-Wizard will be like that and a thousand galleons is nothing to sneeze at."

"Oh..." Harry said, "You've got a point. Not sure I'd want to risk my life for it though, they're calling for volunteers right? I mean they aren't just going to pull names out of a hat or have the teacher's vote, right?"

"They use the Goblet of Fire to pick," Hermione explained. "Everyone that wants to compete writes their name on a piece of paper and the goblet spits out the names of the winners, who are magically bound to compete."

"Magically bound?" he asked, looking a bit upset.

"Yes," Luna confirmed, "if they refuse to compete, the Goblet of Fire punishes them."

"How does it punish them?" he asked.

"It's been so long since anyone has refused that no one is quite sure; it either burns the magic out of them, leaving them squibs or it simply burns them alive..." she said thoughtfully.

"Does this sound like a good idea to ANYONE?" Harry asked.

"What's wrong with it?" Ron asked.

"You mean, what's wrong with magically compelling three students to fight for their lives in some sort of blood sport?" he asked sarcastically.

"They have to volunteer to be in it," Ron pointed out, "their names don't just magically appear in the cup, they have to put them there."

"So someone like Malfoy can't put in my name, because they think it'd be fun to watch me die?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"Huh, didn't think of that." Ron said. "You could put Snape's name in!"

"I'm more concerned with keeping my name out; well that and taking out the DADA instructor before he can put whatever fiendish plot he has into effect."

Hermione groaned. "I'll bet you anything you'd care to name, the DADA professor isn't out to get you."

"And I'll match that bet that he is!" Harry growled. "Just as soon as I get some veritaserum."

The argument proceeded to escalate until Luna added her two cents and the two stormed off in opposite directions.

"Luna?" Neville asked as the two Weasely's stared at her in shock.

"Yes, Neville?"

"Did you just trick them each into betting their virginity against each other?"

"Yes I did," Luna replied calmly.

"Why?"

"Harry could use some happiness in his life," Luna said.

"And Hermione?"

"Needs a shag more than anyone I've ever met. Hopefully Harry takes the opportunity to pull the stick from her arse while he's down there." Luna snorted. 'The Quibbler is good for a lot more than just wrapping fish!'

0oOo0

Harry stomped angrily down the train, not noticing the way various Slytherin's ducked into cars and avoided his gaze as if he himself were a basilisk.

"Fred, George," Harry said, "I need your help."

Fred pulled Harry into their compartment, while George closed and locked the door, leaving a very concerned Slytherin second year to run off to deliver her report.

**AN:Typing by Godogma!**


	55. Chapter 55

**Storybook Hero**

"Can you please change my cousin back?" Harry begged. "I mean, I know he can be a bit much at times; like when he's awake, but he is family and I don't have enough relatives that I can afford to lose anymore, except maybe Aunt Marge, but she'd make a better bulldog than a pig."

Hagrid laughed, "Right you are Harry; you're much more forgiving than I am, but I should have expected as much, given who your parents were." A wave of Hagrid's umbrella restored Dudley, whose very relieved parents quickly ushered him into their room, where they quickly barricaded themselves in.

"So I get to learn magic?" Harry asked eagerly.

"Yep, Albus Dumbledore is the greatest wizard since Merlin himself and he's the Headmaster of Hogwarts. You'll learn to change things into other things; brew potions, cast spells, fly on a broom and raise all sorts of cute little beasties," Hagrid gushed.

"I can't wait!" Harry exclaimed.

Harry had realized years ago that his life made no logical sense. The kids in those after school specials were treated better than he was and their parents ended up in jail on the telly, but the Dursleys never got in trouble. The school had once shown the fairytale Cinderella in class and he'd drawn some disturbing parallel's to his own life, except of course for the fact that she'd had an easier time of it than he had, as she'd clearly been well fed and didn't spend a lot of time locked in a closet. Harry had prayed there were no Princes with glass slippers in his future and he was relieved that instead he merely appeared to be magical, which apparently was a popular enough destiny that they had a school for it.

Some casual questioning of Hagrid – well casual to Hagrid, who wasn't exactly the type to pick up hints or sub text unless a great deal of force and volume was used, showed Harry that yes, even among magical folk his life was abnormal. In fact from all the clues he'd gathered he was pretty sure, lack of an unwanted Prince with a bizarrely specific shoe fetish aside, he was living in a fairy tale.

Seriously, he had the thoroughly repressed childhood (too thoroughly in his opinion) he now had the magical destiny, which apparently was quite popular this year and he was pretty damn sure the mention of the unmentionable one (aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named so a plucky young mage can't just look him up in a history book) who killed his parents and vanished was foreshadowing.

Well, one thing was for certain; Harry was going to have to read a lot of stories to figure out what he was supposed to do. The Dursleys keeping him from reading or seeing anything was obviously part of their attempts to hinder him as evil step relatives.

0oOo0

Harry stared at Griphook, who stared back at him a bit unnerved by the small boy who was eying him, considering most wizards either sneered or tried to pretend he was human.

"If I catch you do I get anything?"

"That's leprechauns, all you'll get from me is a thump round the ears."

"Solve your riddle?"

"That's the sphinx for passage past what they're guarding or a date." Griphook rolled his eyes.

"Bribe you with something?"

"Now that's goblins!" Griphook said proudly while Harry took notes.

"Excellent! Do you have a list of prices and services?"

0oOo0

"So, what exactly does brother wands mean and what is the significance of yew and holly?" Harry asked eagerly, startling the old bast … err wandmaker who'd expected a much different reaction from the spooky speech he gave.

"Holly is the wood of life and yew is the wood of death. Brother wands have unusual and mostly unknown effects when facing each other in battle."

"I'm guessing from all the buildup and missing wands and body that nameless is still around, right?"

"He hasn't been seen since and unless he decided to remove and torch his robe I'm pretty sure he's dead," Ollivander replied.

Harry just raised an eyebrow and replied, "Sure he is. So, is there anything else used to cast spells?"

"Well, staves used to be used, but that was mainly because they were harder to break and you could thump people with them. Of course a good sized gem always works, but that's like asking to be robbed and who trusts children to be running around with those?"

"What kind of gems and what affects its use?"

"Any kind of gem as long as it's big enough and not bonded to anything either glue or setting, but the colored gems like rubies and emeralds work best."

"No specific shape?" Harry asked.

"Any shape just big, pure and unbound as far as I know."

"Thanks," Harry said pocketing his notebook and wand.

0oOo0

"You got a lot of questions," Hagrid said admiringly.

"Tons of 'em," Harry replied with a grin. "And the more I find out the more I have."

Hagrid laughed. "Well let's end this trip with a stop for a birthday gift for ya – wait right here!" he said before vanishing into a pet shop and returning with a snowy white owl.

"Wow!" Harry said, completely stunned. "I've never gotten a present before and she is gorgeous!" His new owl preened under the attention.

0oOo0

Harry relaxed, enjoying a comfortable bed for once in his life. Having met the Dursleys, Hagrid was easy to convince to leave him there for the next two weeks.

Yes, Harry had plans for this two weeks and a ton of money from the main Potter Family Vault, available at the bargain price of a thousand gold for a month's access with full rights and information on the rest of the Potter properties free.

He loved the goblins, they were as dependable as the rock the bank was built from. You got exactly what you paid for with them. 

0oOo0

"One of everything," Harry said cheerfully, "oh and one of those bottomless backpacks to carry them in. I've got a 15% off coupon for first time buyers and I believe you gave me a half off discount for life after the unnamed one died."

"Who do you think you are?" The man laughed. "Harry Potter?"

Harry grinned and lifted his hair revealing his scar.

0oOo0

"You want goblin wards on your backpack?" Griphook asked doubtfully.

"It's bottomless and I'm going to be carrying a lot of valuable stuff in it. See, no one expects a backpack to be all that important which means its prefect! But just in case I need to make sure it's safe; hence goblin wards."

"We'll need to redo half the charms and replace all the rivets with goblin runed silver," Griphook pointed out. "I'd almost consider it … actually with the amount of work needed I'd be forced to consider it a goblin piece by the time we were done."

"The work would be expensive, but how expensive would the finished product be? Since it's not pure goblin work I'd expect the price to show it," Harry bargained.

"Does it really matter?" Griphook asked. "I mean, it's an insane enough idea that I doubt any of your descendants would need it."

"I want to buy it for four of my lifetimes," Harry replied, thinking of how video games gave you three extra lives.

"Four?"

"Yeah, I get to die four times before I need to return it, but you can put a clause if I'm considered dead for more than one year it's considered done. Come to think of it, can we have it charmed to empty its items into my vault and return to you automatically at the end of my lives?"

"Hmmm, connected to your lifeforce …" Griphook considered the inventing project in detail.

0oOo0

Harry stuck his hand in his backpack and thought about what he wanted and then refined the idea a bit after he felt numerous books brush past his fingers.

Pulling out a thin red book entitled 'Useless rituals and wandless tricks for the easily amused by I.M. Bored' he grinned.

Harry chuckled as he read the list; if he didn't know any better he'd swear the same guy who developed these also wrote the D&D manual on cantrips, except for the fact that you had to go through a ritual to be able to use each one and there were a couple that looked useful for pranks if nothing else.

0oOo0

It took Harry a week to run through all of Diagon Alley and start in on Nocturne Alley.

"Are there any enchantments you can put on them?" Harry asked the wizard. "You know like seeing magic; seeing through walls, recording what I see, unbreakable, able to see in the dark, able to see behind me, appear on my face at the snap of my fingers if I lose them..."

"That's double almost triple the price of the glasses, are you sure you're not just trying to get the enchantment for seeing through clothes?" the mage asked, not wanting to bankrupt the boy just because he happened to be an early bloomer.

"I'm eleven, I didn't even think they had a charm like that," Harry said, shaking his head.

"So you don't want it?"

"Of course I want it now that I know about it, I'm eleven!"

"The more charms on it the longer it takes to master," he warned Harry.

"If I'm going to be wearing them for life I'd like for them to be as useful as possible."

"Good point, well I can give you the full package which comes with all the features you want and more, but there's a catch."

"What's the catch?" Harry asked eagerly.

The man dropped what looked to be an unabridged copy of the dictionary on the counter with a thump. "This is the manual."

"I'll take it!" Harry said with a grin.

0oOo0

"Wow, so that vial right there holds enough to either increase my strength greatly or kill me, with no way to tell which in advance for only 32 galleons, but it's illegal to sell?"

"You've got it kid," the clerk, Stanley Price said amused and wondered if the kid was brave enough to break the law and buy it; not to mention crazy enough to drink it. Not that he'd let him of course, he bought the vial to be enough in the trade for the locals to trust him.

Harry counted out 35 galleons into a small pouch and tied it closed before flinging it behind the counter and yelling, "Spider!"

When Stanley turned back around Harry snatched up the vial. "I'm sorry for killing what was doubtlessly a valuable pet, keep the gold as compensation. I'm taking this, if you don't mind, because you know how tempting money can be and I don't want such a nice man as yourself to get arrested for selling it. In fact I better dispose of it before the temptation to sell it hits me too."

Stanley watched in shock as Harry downed the entire vial in one shot.

"Damn that was salty."

Stanley pulled up his sleeve and looked at his watch and then back at Harry.

"What are you doing?"

"Seeing if you die or not, the longer you last the more likely you are to live," Stanley said, trying to cover his shock and keep his tough as nails rep intact, while inwardly praying the boy would be okay.

"Cool!" Harry said with a grin; he was sure being in the center of a fairy tale meant he wouldn't die unless it was in the middle of a battle with whoever the bad guy in his story was.

0oOo0

"I blame you for driving him insane," Loki said bluntly.

"What?" Thor asked offended. "I gave him the standard downtrodden hero package!"

"You did?" Hermes asked stunned. "I thought I was supposed to!"

"If you both added that level of difficulty to his life it's no wonder he's insane," Loki said with a sigh.

Athena snickered. "Considering he's right I don't see how you'd consider him insane."

"Just because he's right doesn't mean he's sane. The truth is pretty insane in this case," Ares offered.

"Enough pressure can turn coal into diamonds," Athena smirked. "I'll hold off on judging his sanity for now."

"You think he'll survive the Re'em blood?" Loki asked, not wanting to interfere more than necessary.

Lady Luck smiled. "He's got lovely eyes and isn't afraid to take a chance; he has my favor."

0oOo0

"While we're waiting do you have any books that I might like which are either useful or frowned upon, but not illegal and preferably rare?" Harry asked.

"Only about a ton of them, it is my main stock in trade," Stanley said while shaking his head. "The ministry frowns on any books on foreign magic, because it's A) foreign and B) not personally sanctioned by them. Hell, people invent new spells all the time, but since they have to be ministry tested and approved, at the inventor's cost of course, before they can be legally taught they end up written in personal grimoires and forgotten," the clerk complained about what was obviously a pet peeve of his.

"So, how much to buy all of that?"

"I've been collecting grimoires for about a decade so … about twelve thousand galleons and that'd be eighty percent of my stock," Stanley said with a grin as it looked like the kid wasn't going to die on him.

"What's the other 20% of your stock?" Harry asked curiously.

"The rare duplicate grimoire because a wizard didn't want to lose track of his personal spells and a couple of shelves and cases of minorly illegal items so no one in the alley thinks I'm a snitch. Nothing major, just enough so an auror can put a little pressure on me for a kickback and the neighbors feel comfortable having me around," Stanley replied, his relief making him chatty.

"That sounds like a lot of trouble to go to just to set up a shop."

"Yeah but it all comes up to less than I'd have to pay renting in Diagon, besides I get more buyers and less browsers this way."

Harry nodded. "Well, since I'm going to live I'll take that 80% for twelve thousand, but you'll have to come to the bank with me to get it. No way am I walking around carrying that much on me."

"Do you really think you can afford it?" Stanley asked skeptically.

Harry lifted his hair away from his forehead to show off his scar.

"I guess you can," Stanley said numbly realizing he just might be retiring shortly.

0oOo0

Harry examined the price list for a moment before telling Griphook, "25 thousand galleons please, from the main vault."

"What's the extra for?" Stanley asked curiously.

"Illegal deals that I don't want to bring to the bank," Harry replied cheerfully.

Stanley looked at Harry in confusion. "I can understand the books, they're expensive due to value and rarity not because they're dark or anything and the re'em's blood was useful with long odds, but what kind of illegal deals could you possibly be interested in at your age?"

Harry grinned cockily. "What kind you got?"

Griphook quickly hid his smile before the humans could notice; the kid was just so adorable.

0oOo0

Stanley decided he had to scare Harry straight so he took him to … The Pens.

Stalwarts House Elves Emporium didn't look like much at first glance, it had various elves demonstrating their skills with a couple of young witches vanishing their work or causing messes so they had to redo it right in front of the store.

Entering the store itself, Harry wondered what was illegal about this place unless owning house elves was illegal, but then they probably wouldn't advertise it the way they were.

"Anything good in the pens?" Stanley asked the wizard behind the counter.

"Buying or selling?" the man asked curiously as he eyed Harry.

"Buying," Stanley replied quickly.

"Sure, come and take a look," the man replied, opening a door behind the counter and waving them through.

Beyond the door was an enormous room that looked like a cross between a barn and a prison with the inmates all being children ranging from a couple of years younger to a couple of years older than Harry himself, not all of them human.

"We have everything from squib to veela; all of them young enough to be trained and I'm happy to say we even managed to get a naga in," the owner said proudly and led them to a cell that looked like it was a zoo designed desert habitat, housing a girl who couldn't have been older than eight the lower half of her very snake-like, holding a stuffed bunny that had fangs and the back legs replaced with the body of a python.

"I heard a really disturbing rumor today," Harry said conversationally as he looked at a way to fix things to his satisfaction.

"Really kid, like what?"

"Well someone got their bribe and got completely pissed as was his habit," Harry began.

The wizard nodded; his contact always got drunk when he paid him.

"Well this young auror wants to make a name for himself and is more than a little bent..."

The wizard nodded, young aurors always thought they could change things and thinks to a number of pranks and slurs a few were always rumored to be gay.

"A little polyjuice and an infatuation potion …"

The wizard paled.

"Dumbledore of course is all for certain changes in law," Harry said leadingly, making it up as he went along to try and encourage a little paranoia.

"They'd never pass," the wizard said worriedly.

"Not if certain people were alive to continue bribing others, no … but a little accident in the cells and no one to pour gold on their end … Not that I'm suggesting this is any more than rumors of course, even if the paperwork has already been started..."

"I want to go home," the young naga hissed sadly.

"I'll see what I can do," Harry hissed back, shocking the two wizards.

"You-you're a parseltongue!" the owner stuttered. He'd been well connected to the Death Eaters back in the day and he knew what being a parseltongue meant.

"Yeah!" Harry said with a bright smile. "I thought I'd buy this place off you … say eight thousand galleons?"

The owner didn't even have to think twice; if Voldemort's heir wanted the place he could have it. Especially since he was being generous with gold as well as warning him. "Thank you my lord, eight thousand is quite generous."

"Not a problem, make sure to leave me records of where all the stock was collected from. I'm certain that a few memory charms here and there and a few wandered lambs found, as apparently they were just lost, and all will be forgotten," Harry said cheerfully.

"Just as you say milord!" the man said. "The two girls running the front come with the shop and know where everything is, so if you'll excuse me..."

Harry nodded and the man vanished. The cell opened at his touch and he suddenly found himself in the coils and arms of a young naga who was thanking him profusely.

"I'll have someone make you a portkey and we should have you home before lunch," Harry promised her in parseltongue.

"Ar-are you okay?" Stanley asked nervously. Harry speaking parseltongue had freaked him out a bit, but he was the boy who lived and naga were known to be deadly creatures and seeing Harry in its clutches …

"I'm fine," Harry promised, enjoying his first real hug – and man could naga hug! "Can you get the girls to close the store and bring me someone who can make a portkey and the book for where everyone needs to be returned?"

"Sure," Stanley said feeling a bit surreal about everything.

When the young naga finally released him they went along opening cells and releasing people, including a small veela who apparently understood the situation enough to imitate the naga in response to Harry, all the while speaking rapid fire French that no one else understood.

The humans stayed in their cells, afraid of the non-humans while the non-humans followed Harry back toward the entrance.

The two witches were waiting with Stanley, both looked nervous as the crowd came toward them.

"I need a portkey to take these two home," Harry said, gesturing with his chin toward the two girls attached to him.

"Yes milord," said the red haired witch as she read from the book the blonde haired witch held open.

"I can delay it a bit at each place before returning you here so you'll be able to get them home," the redhead said holding out a walking stick.

"That'll be fine," Harry said agreeably, encouraging the two girls hanging onto him to grab the stick.

Portkey travel was a new experience for Harry and not a good one. If not for the girls clinging to him he would have fallen over, as it was the three staggered like a drunken freshman when they landed in the sand.

"Milena!" came a hissing cry from somewhere nearby, echoed by a dozen voices in the area.

"Momma!" the young naga answered.

In moments the three were surrounded by full grown naga and Milena was telling her parents about how Harry had rescued her. Only Harry was pretty sure he didn't recall fighting his way in to free her, declaring his eternal love, or threatening to inject his venom into the slaver if he didn't release her. Emotionally exhausted the young girl fell asleep wrapped around her mother and father.

"I don't suppose we can ask them?" one of the female naga asked in parseltongue.

Harry listened but didn't say much, distracted by all the breasts on display, because apparently naga women didn't believe in shirts.

"It'd make things simpler," one of the other women admitted, "but I don't speak human tongues and neither do you."

"Good point, Jolker. I'd suggest teaching your daughter about the facts of life, because I really doubt this young human has fangs on his penis that inject poison."

Milena's father blushed as his wife chuckled. "Her normal tall tales get even worse when she adds in your tall tales to keep her away from boys."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd notice having fangs on it," Harry hissed in parseltongue, much to the group's shock.

"You speak!" Jolker hissed in surprise.

"Good lord, I do!" Harry faked shock, causing everyone to burst out laughing after a moment.

"So what happened?" Milena's mom asked curiously.

"Somebody kidnapped her and a bunch of other children to sell as slaves; a friend was showing me the place to prove how evil people could be and she told me she wanted to go home. So I promised her I'd do what I could. Took me about five minutes to make the guy paranoid enough to sell everything to me so I could return everyone home," Harry explained.

"No great battle and declaration of undying love?" one of the girls snickered.

"No battle except a mental one, which he lost... and no declarations, but Milena is adorable so I just had to rescue her and unless puberty turns out a lot different than I think it will, I doubt I'll grow fangs on my penis."

Before anything else could be said the portkey activated, dropping the two on someone's lawn (a lawn the size of a football field) and Harry fell over, enjoying the cooler air and the fact that the ground wasn't moving.

As he lay on the ground with the little blonde girl sitting on his stomach, chanting excitedly in French, clearly happy to be wherever they were, a series of popping noises surrounded them heralding the appearance of dozens of people, many of whom were in uniform. With a happy cry the little blonde jumped off Harry and practically tackled an older man as Harry laid there with lots of wands pointed at him by some obviously confused officers.

A few moments later a couple of females appeared, the older one receiving the happy young girl while the other who couldn't be older than 14 or so, glared at Harry like he'd done something wrong. The older male growled at Harry and then started spitting out rapid fire French in an angry manner. This went on for some time as Harry watched with some amusement, comfortable where he was, until the teenaged female got angry enough to try and cast something at him.

The little blonde girl had managed to get herself loose at this point and kicked the teen in the shin hard enough to make her cast miss by a mile. Furiously berating them in French, the little girl began telling her story, which started with some sort of battle and from her pointing at Harry and hand motions, had him throwing fireballs.

Harry looked at his palm and slowly filled it with blue fire before dismissing it, and wondered why the girls were claiming such outrageous tales.

'Well at least this one won't involve my penis biting anyone...' Harry thought to himself as the little blonde girl mimed what was obviously a declaration of eternal love and then him threatening someone … with his penis. As half the officers wands now pointed at his crotch and the oldest blonde was smacking the male in the back of his head, Harry began to wonder if he had in fact done something threatening with his penis. "Next time I go rescuing damsels in distress I'm bringing an interpreter," Harry said aloud just before he vanished.

0oOo0

"For being insane he's done amazingly well," Loki said as they watched Harry.

"Sanity is a bit confining at times," Thor admitted.

Considering he was the god of berserkers, this surprised no one.

0oOo0

"Is there anyone who doesn't want to return home?" Harry asked, figuring that at least a couple of the former slaves had home lives similar if not nearly as bad as his own. When about a third raised their hands he was understandably stunned.

**TN: Typing by Godogma!**


	56. Chapter 56

**Harry the House Elf – Now with Scrubbing Bubbles!**

"Harry Potter sir is a great wizard and the greatest House Elf ever!" Dobby said brightly, smiling and bobbing his head so fast Harry was surprised it didn't come off.

"I'm a what now?" Harry asked curiously, a puzzled expression on his face as he wondered what new insanity the wizarding world was planning on springing on him.

"No one told Harry Potter sir about him being a great wizard? Dobby was sure Dobby had mentioned it before..."

"Yes you have, you have been very thorough in letting me know I'm a great wizard," Harry reassured the house elf, "But I don't believe anyone has mentioned me being a house elf before."

"What?" Dobby's eyes opened so wide that Harry was surprised his eyeballs didn't fall out.

There was a sound like popcorn popping and suddenly the Chamber of Secrets was filled with house elves. "You didn't know you was a house elf?" Winky asked.

"Not a clue," Harry assured her.

"Yous has gotta be shitting Winky!" she yelled throwing an empty butterbeer bottle against the wall of the chamber.

The elves fell to arguing amongst themselves while Winky questioned Harry. After assuring her he wasn't screwing with her she asked, "And why Harry Potter never question he survive killing curse and then sent to cook and clean for Dursleys?"

"Questions were discouraged with a boot or starvation at the Dursley's and I was sent to them because they were my only living relatives. Dumbledore said my mother's love for me blocked the killing curse."

The elves had a good laugh and Winky explained to the confused boy why they were laughing. "Yous is not the only child whose mother died to protect. Not even hundred hundred hundreds of mothers' love did squat against dark wizard's spell. No, Harry Potter sir survived because Lily cast spell to turn Harry Potter sir into house elf."

"House elves can ignore the killing curse?" Harry asked doubtfully.

"Nah," Winky waved the idea off. "House elves have to pay attention, pretend dead otherwise evil wizards find spell that work!"

"Greatest house elf Harry Potter sir turning spell not settle yet when He-Who-Does-Not-Bathe, the nose-less one attacked making spell before behave strangely. If spell settled then killing curse do nothing, instead was reflected back went boom!" Dobby explained.

"Then greatest house elf Harry Potter sir shipped off Dursleys much too early," Winky snorted, "by Dumbleydore."

"Too early for what?" Harry asked. "They were the only family I had left."

Winky looked at Harry the way he usually looked at Dumbledore after he said things that made no sense whatsoever. Like 'the truth must be protected by a bodyguard of lies'. "Harry Potter sir is a wizard not a Dursley."

"Yes, but Petunia was my mother's sister so the Dursley's were family."

Winky shook her head. "Dursley's not Harry's family, Dursley's not even human!"

"What?"

"House elves need place train, so created Dursley house; is three in England. First take giraffe, walrus and hippo then must make close to human as can. Have three so have young, middleage and old family train care for. Magic of place not let you leave until yous manage cook and clean for family hate you without showing yous using magic," Dobby explained. "Even have expert course where have bulldog made into aunt visit make life harder."

Harry just stared. "You're joking?" he finally asked.

Winky grabbed Harry and vanished, only to reappear with him several minutes later.

"The Dursley's aren't my family!" Harry yelled with some surprise, but having seen the three versions of the house peopled with Dursleys and witnessing a Dudley get replaced when the elf lost his temper and made his head explode had been very convincing.

"House elves must have training so they not be losing temper and making wizards go boom!" Dobby explained. "Dobby took expert course with bulldog, only took three times keep from popping whole family like zit," he finished proudly.

Winky nodded rapidly, her ears flopping like little wings. "Took Winky and Slutty keep Dobby calm. Dobby work off lots mad..." Winky's grin took up half her face.

Dobby grinned. "Most elveses be taking course age ten, be passing thirteen, expert course age fifteen. Work hard and do magic ways no muggle notice, specially muggles hate magic and look for. Makeses elveses really really really tolerant of assholes."

"Wow," Harry said. "And I was stuck there working since I could crawl because Dumbledore thought they were my family! How did that happen?"

"Lily live next Dursley's house elves made first try using Petunia as girl child before deciding she too cute little girl. Switched mother roll later models. Elf lose temper blow up house while little girl Petunia outside. Evans adopt Petunia and since Lily witch elves can't interfere. Dumbleydore know she adopted but stick Harry there anyway and magic of house keep elf at house until manage do work while hiding magic from magic hating Dursleys and keep temper and not kill or maim them at age 11. Harry do it and come to Hogwarts, the end," Dobby said firmly.

"I started muggle school at age six," Harry revealed, "and I never used magic while cleaning, didn't know how to and the Office of Underage Magic would snap my wand if I did."

"Great Harry Potter sir manage leave property by age six?" Dobby said loudly into the sudden silence of the other elves.

"Yeah," Harry grinned, "that's the year Petunia decided I should learn to cook since I wouldn't be around to clean during the day."

"Wow!" Dobby didn't look like he could be more impressed if Harry told him he was the second coming of Merlin.

Winky looked confused. "What mean Harry Potter sir not know house elf magic?"

"I mean I don't know how to do house elf magic," Harry said. "The only magic I know is what I've been taught."

Winky said a word so foul that Harry's mind blacked it out.

Dobby stared at Winky in horror.

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**

**AN2: Just a crazy idea I had about the Dursleys not really being humans at all. **


	57. Chapter 57

**Gone in 60 seconds **

John blinked and looked around, surprised to find himself in a smoky nightclub filled with teens.

Finding that he himself was a teen again was even more of a surprise.

"Hello handsome, come here often?" a blonde girl asked.

"Not as often as I'd like," John replied, making sure not to bury his face in her cleavage as was his first instinct and looking into a pair of amazingly clear blue eyes. The flawless pale skin, ruby red lips, and impressive track were striking a chord in his memory, unfortunately his penis was much too loud to be heard over it.

"Maybe I can help change that," she said with a grin.

Long story short: back alley blow job, fade to black…

*******

John blinked and felt around. "I'm in a box, in a monkey suit," he muttered. "This is not good."

He was surprised at how easy the roof of his coffin and the ground above it was to tear apart, reaching the surface quickly and brushing himself off, much quicker than he would have thought possible.

"This all seems familiar," he muttered. "And not in a good way."

"What was your first clue?" asked a feminine voice behind him.

John spun around. "You!" he said accusingly and then frowned. "No, not you."

"Yes, me," the short blonde disagreed.

"No, not you," he argued. "She was taller, had bigger boobs, and blonde was her natural hair color."

"There is nothing wrong with my rack!"

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, I said hers were bigger."

"Buff, didn't you say you had things to do tonight?" a dark haired teen asked.

"Thanks for reminding me, Xan," Buffy replied before pulling out a wooden stake.

"And what are you planning to do with that?" John demanded.

"I'm going to stick this were the sun don't shine," Buffy swore pissed about the casual dismissal of her rack.

"Rape! Police!" John yelled, running away.

Buffy automatically chased him like a cat after a mouse. "Get back here!"

"Never! Help, mad rapist with a wooden dildo!"

Xander turned to Giles. "I can safely say I've never seen a vampire do that before."

"What do we do?" Willow asked anxiously.

"Wait," Giles said. "Not much else we can do, we simply aren't as fast as her."

About a minute later the vampire ran past them, with Buffy in pursuit, still yelling for the police.

**Half an hour later… **

"That is some stamina," Xander said, as the vampire continued running with Buffy huffing in pursuit.

"Which one?" Willow asked.

"Both."

Buffy collapsed at their feet panting. "Water!"

"Fire, flood, fondue!" the vampire yelled as it vanished into the darkness.

"I'm going to stake that vampire if it's the last thing at I do," Buffy swore.

"Not tonight you're not," Giles said. "We still have things to do."

"He looked familiar," Xander said.

"John Flint," Willow read off the notepad she kept with her. "I think we have him in PE class."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's the guy who doesn't like sunlight and is always reading a book."

"Talk about irony," Buffy said. "Is he in track?"

"No, he hates running," Willow said. "He said he'll only run if chased."

"Wow," Buffy said shaking her head. "Just wow."

Ditching the slayer left john confused but still alive. Checking his pockets he found that they'd buried him with his keys and wallet. He wasn't sure if it was done to avoid pissing off returnees or because there was no one to give his personal effects to, but he was thankful all the same.

Following his fragmented and scattered memories he wandered around until we found a bar called: Willy's Alibi Room.

**AN: This was just a strange idea I had for an SI. I figured he wouldn't last very long at all before getting turned and having to run for his unlife. **


	58. Chapter 58

**Karma; Getting It**

"You want to know what I wish?" Cordelia asked, not really caring if the new girl was listening or not.

"Yes?" Anya asked intently.

"I wish he got exactly what he deserved!" Cordelia swore. "I wish his karma would catch up with him."

"Done!" Anya said with a frown. By invoking karma Cordelia had taken things out of her hands altogether. She consoled herself with the knowledge that a man who cheated on his girlfriend was unlikely to have positive karma in any case.

Cordelia turned and saw Anyanka in all her demonic glory.

Anyanka pulled her amulet from Cordelia's unresisting fingers. "Thanks for the wish!" she chimed before vanishing in a burst of light.

"Uh oh," she said paling. While she might have been pissed at Xander and wished for him to die slowly and painfully she didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

The bell rang and she hurried to class, deciding she'd tell Giles and Buffy as soon as school was over.

0oOo0

Xander found himself being dragged into the library by an anxious Buffy.

"What is going on?" Xander asked in utter confusion.

"Cordelia may have cursed you," Buffy warned him.

"Cordelia is not a witch," Xander replied blandly. "She is however something that sounds similar, but without the magic."

"You!" Cordelia growled, angry that she was going out of her way to help him after all he'd done and he had the balls to treat her this way.

"She wished for you to get what you deserved," Giles interjected quickly. "Something involving karma."

"I make wishes all the time." Xander shrugged. "I'm still not Batman."

"There was a demon involved," Cordelia growled with a snarl.

"There are a group of demons who grant wishes, usually of the monkey's paw variety," Giles explained.

"You aren't exactly rolling in the karma, Xan," Buffy warned thinking of recent events.

"Let's see … I first saved Cordelia's life at the Bronze during the whole harvest deal, kept her from getting eaten by tall dark and hairy during Helloween and covered her body with my own to protect her from the flames when saving her from being burned alive during the attempt to use her head as part of the bride of Frankenstein deal," Xander listed, "and all that's just off the top of my head. On the other hand I did cheat on her with my oldest friend and we were caught smooching when we thought we were going to die. She ran off and got a chunk of rebar through the stomach after abandoning me who had a serious head injury and some internal injuries."

The Scoobs exchanged glances, a little shocked at having things laid out that way.

"Sounds like karma has already spoken," Xander continued, "and I feel fine."

"Yesterday you were deeply upset by your breakup with Cordelia, yet now… nothing?" Giles asked.

"Nada, zip, zilch, zero," Xander confirmed. "I'm back to factory specs where I hate shallow airheads, who only care about popularity and money and think being cruel to other people is a fun pass time."

Cordelia looked horrified.

"Personally I'm thinking a monkey paw wish says it all," Xander went on to explain. "She wanted me to suffer and made the wish so suddenly we were in a relationship that blew up; costing her, her precious popularity and me nothing."

"What about Willow?" Buffy demanded.

"Karma smacked us all," he guessed, shrugging. "I never thought me and Willow should be more than friends and I see that I was right. That relationship came out of nowhere too, which makes me wonder how much of the last year is because of your wish. Was Oz always a werewolf or is it his karma catching up with him?"

"Oz is a good guy!" Willow exclaimed as she and Oz came out of the stacks carrying a load of books.

"Yeah but he's real standoffish. How many times has he seen something bad go down and kept out of it? How involved with he was living before he was bit? The wolf forces him to be involved and respond to things when normally he'd probably just shrug and walk off. There is an old saying; for evil to triumph all that's required is for good men to stand aside and do nothing. Oz is a good man and he no longer has the choice about standing aside."

"What about Willow?" Cordelia demanded.

"Willow has always been caring and supportive and willing to help anyone who asks," Xander said. "She now knows me and her are better as friends and has a cool boyfriend – net gain."

"A werewolf boyfriend," Oz pointed out.

"Karma isn't static," Xander replied. "Keep getting involved in helping others and see where it gets you. Maybe being a werewolf prevents some hereditary disease that would hit you otherwise. My point is this; me and Willow are fine and have learned something. Oz has a problem that is forcing him to change and Cordelia, who for instance completely destroyed Marcy's life, is suffering. I'd say karma is working."

Cordelia looked devastated while everyone else looked thoughtful.

"Now if you'll excuse me, my mom wants me home because she has an announcement to make and she'll be pissed if I'm not there."

"It could be something horrible," Buffy said.

"And it could be something great," Xander shrugged unconcerned. "Later."

When the doors closed behind him Cordelia asked, "What if he's right? What if all the good I've done is completely buried under all the bad? You know what I was like, am I even as nice as I am now?"

Buffy seemed to understand what she meant. "Doesn't matter if it was lipo or dieting the weight is gone. The important question is; are you going to keep exercising?"

Cordelia slowly began to smile. "I want to keep working out."

"Then there you go!" Buffy encouraged her. "And like with Oz, it ain't over until Oprah sings so keep plugging away at it."

"Yeah," Cordelia agreed but then frowned. "Did Xander seem …" 

"Off?" Buffy asked.

"He's usually not so forceful or confident."

"He could be possessed again," Buffy offered.

"No, that's Xander," Willow disagreed. "He gets like that sometimes."

"Really?" Giles asked.

"Yeah," Buffy said, recalling Xander threatening her once. "Well, enough moping. Feel up to patrolling?"

"I could use the good karma," Cordy said with a chuckle.

0oOo0

"We're moving!" Jessica announced with a smile that Tony shared, both looking far more sober and clean cut than he was used to.

"B-but I like it here!" Xander quickly blurted out.

His parents exchanged looks.

"We were pretty sure you were going to say that," Tony admitted.

"So we set things up so you could stay here if you chose," Jessica added, continuing his thought.

"Your grandfather never approved of me," Tony said. "Which is where a lot of our problems came from, but he had a change of heart recently so …"

"We're richer than the Chase's," Jessica said. "So letting you have this house and a big enough allowance to run it is no problem."

0oOo0

**Earlier that afternoon in class…**

Xander began to smile for no reason, feeling much better than he had been … since ever. His mind drifted as his teacher droned on about … Second Impact?

Xander actually paid attention for a moment and found the history teacher was going into another one of her conspiracy rants; the Second Impact comment was referring to something involving the Kennedy assassination.

Zoning out once more his mind flickered through the various games he'd played and he recalled how much he'd liked Shadowrun. He mentally created a character sheet for himself and was surprised at how easy it was to picture.

He was a bit shocked at the contents; he didn't realize he subconsciously believed he had so many quirks and flaws. Though that would explain why he seemed to have so much karma to spend.

Since he was basing this character on his real self he figured it was only fair to spend his points as if it were real.

The first thing he did was spend a couple of points to upgrade resources and background. In the game it wasn't all that important since the majority of your cash depended almost solely on in game events, but in reality having rich parents and a couple of points in resources meant never having to say "Do you want fries with that?"

Next … Xander bought off disabilities. In game an inferiority complex just meant a couple of modifiers on some infrequent die rolls and adding a bit of acting to the game, but in real life it crippled you, ensuring you could never live up to your potential because you were subconsciously sabotaging yourself.

He wasn't all that surprised to find that he had no-dress-sense and inappropriate humor. Cordelia and just about everyone else had told him repeatedly that he had them.

He'd bought them off and bought Personal Sense of Style; which in reality was just a way of opting out of the fashion wars since it just made his personal taste seem fashionable for him.

Unrequited love, heart on his sleeve, empathy, chivalry … he was surprised that so many of the things that he considered merits were flaws. He considered buying them off but decided to leave them be; he wasn't really sure he'd be recognizable without them – okay maybe buy off a few.

He was mildly surprised to find that Universe's Butt monkey and wonky magic weren't on the list. However bad luck was.

He bought off bad luck and purchased a couple of points of luck; knowing he'd have to be an idiot not to.

Photographic memory and jack of all trades were quickly added to the merit category, both of them being insanely useful in real life as opposed to the game.

Finding he still had a lot of karma he decided to have a little fun and made himself an elf shaman before boosting all his stats.

Seeing he was a dog shaman he quickly switched that to spider and then amused himself by spending some points on a little bioware and abilities to fit a Spiderman theme.

He finished deep in the red but that just meant he didn't get anything he didn't have the karma to buy until he had the points to pay for it. Kinda like layaway.

The bell rang and he got ready to go home forgetting everything he'd just been thinking of.

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**


	59. Chapter 59

**Crazy : Not a whimper, end with a bang.**

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results," Xander said absently, the pain pills he was on making him a little loopy.

"So you're saying I'm crazy for planning to attack the vineyard again too?" Buffy asked sadly.

"Only if you plan on doing the exact same thing as last time," Xander replied.

"What would you change about the plan?" Buffy asked, wanting to get at least one of her friends on her side.

"Use modern weapons to soften up the enemy before we go hand to hand. The town is nearly empty so we don't have to worry about drawing attention to ourselves anymore."

"Guns don't work on vampires," Buffy reminded him.

"So I can shoot Spike to my heart's content?" Xander asked perking up.

"No!" Spike and Buffy chorused.

"Spoilsports," Xander grumbled. "Guns work fine for softening up vampires, as Darla demonstrated on Angel so long ago. But our main enemy right now is a bunch of dwarves with vision problems and a preacher with overly large thumbs. Not only do I want to find out if they're bulletproof, but I'd like to blow them up a bit and set them on fire."

"I like that plan!" Kennedy said brightly.

"Where would we get all the guns?" Faith asked.

"The military base is deserted," he pointed out, "and I still have the codes for the armory."

**0oOo0**

Anya leaned against Andrew as the bus fled Sunnydale. "You handle a shotgun quite manfully for a geek."

"I play a lot of Duke Nukem," Andrew replied.

Dawn snuggled into Xander's side. "I have no cheesy lines, but be aware in a matter of months I can legally jump your bones."

"Not still mad about the whole chloroform soaked rag deal?" Xander asked.

"I used a stun gun on you so we're even," Dawn replied, "besides, my plans for my next birthday involve a chloroform soaked rag."

Faith chuckled and elbowed Wood before he could say anything about Dawn's promise/threat to Xander. "You ain't the Principal anymore, School's out."

"Point," he admitted, "and the age difference is less than the one between us."

"I can't believe we got away with no major losses," Giles said as he coaxed a bit more speed out of the old school bus.

"Spike's gone," Kennedy pointed out, Willow asleep in her lap.

"And no one important was lost," Xander said loudly.

"He did some good," Dawn said softly.

"And a whole lotta evil," Xander replied, "final judgment isn't up to us and with him gone, Buffy may get better."

A thump from the roof of the bus reminded them all that Buffy could still hear them.

"And enough of that topic," Xander said, "anyone know any good ways to pass the time?"

"In public!" Dawn added when Faith and Anya looked like they were about to say something.

"I know!" Molly declared suddenly and started to sing, "We are the S-I-Ts so pity us, the food is bland, the monsters hideous."

Shortly the entire bus was singing and adding verses with the final line hanging in the air as the Sunnydale sign vanished into the abyss behind them, "We are the Sunnydale S-I-Ts"

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**

**AN2: This was a fragment of an idea that wasn't really expanded from hearing the song at the end of Meatballs with Bill Murray. **


	60. Chapter 60

**A Different Drum**

Xander looked at the road in front of him.

If he turned right he'd be back into Sunnydale before sundown, never having even reached LA on his road trip.

If he turned left he'd be in LA before the sun set and while he wasn't exactly loaded he could at least have a little fun before heading back.

It seemed a shame to go on a road trip and never see anything more than Oxnard even if it was a great little town.

The blip of a police siren flipping on for a fraction of a second and the flashing lights in his rear view mirror let him know he might just have been sitting here debating things a tad too long. He sighed and put the car in park before shutting off the engine and rolling down the window.

"Are you oka – oh my god you're him!" the police officer squealed.

Xander looked out the window and saw a slender woman in her mid-twenties with short brown hair and brown eyes, bouncing up and down.

"I've always been him," Xander said, "although in formal situations I'm known as get."

The officer laughed gaily. "Can I get a picture and an autograph?"

"Sure," Xander agreed, thinking things were looking up.

"Hey Bob, bring the Polaroid!" she called back to her partner.

A rather large man with a little extra around the waist climbed out of the patrol car carrying an instamatic camera while Officer Murray got Xander to pop the trunk and put on part of a costume. Bob just raised an eyebrow at his normally by the book partner helping the young man put on the top half of a costume that made him look like a slightly less gaudy version of Huggy Bear.

"Ready?" she asked excitedly.

"Sure," Xander replied agreeably, finding her happiness contagious. "Do you want to do woman cringing from the almighty pimp hand or pimp being manhandled?"

"Can we do both?" she begged.

Xander grinned. "Sure."

Shaking himself off he got in character. "Ain't no woman safe from the almighty pimp hand!" he sneered, showing a fake gold tooth while holding his hand drawn up like he was about to backhand her. She faked cringing back until Bob snapped the picture. "Do you want to twist the almighty pimp hand behind my back or have it pounding the hood of the squad car begging for mercy?"

"Definitely pounding," she said hugging Xander before dragging him over to the patrol car and getting into position for Bob to take the shot.

Bob was shaking the photo to speed development and wondering what was going on.

"Sign to Mary love Slickback please!" she squealed.

"But Mary surely you know it's 'The Pimp named Slickback' it's the whole thing!" Xander teased.

"He said it," she squealed, "I can't believe he said it!"

"Did you drug my partner?" Bob asked half seriously as Xander signed the photos.

"He didn't drug me," Mary snorted still grinning.

"I was a dish washer over at the strip club when one of the strippers hurt himself," Xander explained, "so the owner grabbed me and begged me to take his place."

Bob nodded along while Mary listened fascinated.

"Well a couple of strippers were upset that the owner thought that just anyone could do their jobs, so they dressed me up as an over the top pimp, figuring it would piss the women off … and boy did it," Xander said shaking his head.

"So there I am in front of a crowd of very angry women and I haven't even done anything yet to deserve it. So I fell back on something I knew I was talented at," Xander chuckled, "making women laugh by taking off my pants." Mary laughed so hard Xander had to wait for her to catch her breath before continuing, "A little dancing, a lot of stripping and picking a woman or two to come up on stage and chase me around while smacking me with their purses and I was set."

"You haven't seen the funky chicken until you've seen it done by a naked man with his penis painted like a rooster," Mary gasped out wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

Xander shrugged at Bob's disbelieving look. "It's a gift."

"Each night he added something new to the act," Mary grinned, "he was only on three nights but I was lucky enough to see all three."

Bob nodded. "Okay, now her behavior makes sense. We stopped to see if you needed help because you were just sitting there."

Xander nodded and removed his pimp gear, tossing it in the trunk of his car. "I decided to take a road trip and see all fifty states but I only managed to get as far as here before my car self-destructed. Working at the strip club I made enough to get a new car with a little left over; so now I have to decide whether to head to LA for the last week or just go home."

"LA," Mary replied instantly while Bob nodded. "A week in LA is more vacation than a lot of office drones get and you deserve to have some fun."

Xander smiled. "LA it is, but before I go can I get a picture with you and your autograph?" he begged, hitting Mary with puppy dog eyes.

**0oOo0**

Xander entered the Hyperion, not quite sure what he expected. Giles had given him the address as one of a number of contacts to use in case of emergency, but an old closed down hotel in LA worth millions wasn't the kind of surroundings he expected to find Angel at.

"Welcome to … oh it's you," Cordelia said flatly. "What do you want?"

"Not you," Xander replied in a tone of voice that said she was beneath his notice.

She drew in a deep breath to tear into Xander for his casual dismissal when Angel entered the room.

"Xander, is something wrong in Sunnydale?" Angel asked quickly.

"Nothing major brewing as far as I know," Xander replied.

Angel looked at Xander dumbly. "You just stopped by to say hi?"

Xander grinned.

Angel waved for Xander to follow him into his private office.

As the door closed behind them a rather rumpled looking man sat up from the couch where he'd laid unnoticed. "What was that about?"

Cordelia glared at the closed door and began retelling her Xander sucks stories.

**0oOo0**

"What was up with Cordelia?" Xander asked curiously.

"You cheated on her and she almost got killed by a piece of re-bar through the stomach remember?" Angel asked, looking at Xander strangely.

"I bought her prom dress so she'd be able to have the prom she wanted and we parted as friends," Xander explained, "so the bitch out there; not someone I expected to see again."

"Please don't call her a bitch," Angel said and sighed at the look Xander gave him, "even if she is acting like one."

"Okay, I'll be civil," Xander allowed, "regardless of how she behaves I'll just ignore her for the most part."

"Thanks, now what brings you here and why are you so …" Angel searched for a word, "personable?"

"Let me ask you a question; how about we hit the local mall and find a couple of girls about 13 or so, they're easy to impress at that age, and show them a good time?" Xander asked cheerfully.

The look of disgust Angel developed made Xander grin. "If you could see your reflection I'd hold up a mirror. I'm pretty sure that's the exact same expression I often wore when you and Buffy were together."

"It was different with me and Buffy," Angel protested, "we loved each other and being the slayer ages you."

"Maybe," Xander allowed, "but I couldn't see it at the time and knowing Buffy as I do I couldn't really say much about her maturity."

"I always thought it was mainly jealousy and you being in love with Buffy."

"I'm sure there was a fair amount of jealousy mixed in with the disgust of seeing an adult wading in with us in the kiddy pool, but as for the whole Buffy deal; I love my friends and I am weak when it comes to saying no to slayers, but that hardly equates to 'let's get married, true love is here'."

"And facing down Angelus in the hospital? Because that sure sounded a whole lot different then."

Xander shrugged. "You weren't there to cloud the issue and the demon in front of me took something that should have been a special event for a friend of mine, and admittedly I wouldn't have minded being involved in, and turned it from being a memory she should cherish into the milestone marker from when things started to go to hell."

"So, not jealousy..." Angel said with a wince since he could see Xander's point of view.

"Don't kid yourself," Xander laughed. "I doubt there was anything to do with you that didn't involve some jealousy, it's just that, that wasn't all there was and most of the time it wasn't even my motivating emotion."

"I think that's enough scab ripping for today; so the answer to why you're so much nicer to me is?"

"You aren't trying to make time with girls that are underage, you've realized that your relationship with Buffy just meant pain all around and did the right thing, and last but most important you've hung out a shingle and are trying to make a difference."

"That's all it takes to get on your good side?" Angel asked, cocking an eyebrow at him.

"Sure, what did you think it would take?"

"I don't know, maybe walking on water, turning water into wine, walking on wine?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "Making cryptic comments and vanishing, leaving us to do all the dirty work, pissed me off like you wouldn't believe."

Angel looked thoughtful for a moment. "Huh, I guess it did look like that."

"There was more going on?"

"The cryptic comments were mostly things I got from seers or prophecies; half the time I didn't know what they meant myself. All I knew was that relaying them to Buffy would help. I'd leave because I was trying to keep from developing any kind of relationship with Buffy," Angel explained.

"And not helping us fight?"

"Even with my soul in place, Angelus has some influence. I wasn't sure what would happen if there were innocents around in the heat of battle and I wasn't willing to use you guys as guinea pigs to find out. If I hadn't been forced to help out so often I'd still be avoiding it, but at some point I had to learn to trust myself."

"I'm finding it harder and harder to dislike you," Xander said thoughtfully.

"It'll probably make things easier when we cross paths or have to work together again," Angel replied, "does this mean you won't give me annoying nicknames?"

"I give everyone annoying nicknames," Xander pointed out, "including myself."

"Really?" Angel asked surprised. "But do any of them equal Dead-boy?"

"The start of every major disease or epidemic has the CDC searching for the person who started it all, often referred to as patient zero or Patient X. Plus Patient X also has sort of an escaped mental patient vibe to it."

"You're good," Angel admitted. "I'll have to save that for special occasions. So, you really just stopped by to say hi?"

Xander nodded. "I'm here for a week before heading back to Sunnydale; my road trip ended with me working in Oxnard to get another car so I have a week to blow and this is the furthest I have ever been from the Mouth of Hell. I decided to stop by and get your opinion on what I should do, since it's your town."

"Oh," Angel said, still a bit shocked at how easy it was to get along with Xander now. "Well, we have spare rooms here but no maid service since the 50s, but at least you won't be wasting money on a hotel. As for things to do …" Angel trailed off and considered his contacts and resources in the area and what would best help a normal human who wouldn't give up the fight, not getting that Xander was talking about vacation not training.

Angel quickly consulted his Rolodex and wrote a couple of things down on a piece of paper before handing it to Xander. "Before anything else you need to consult with The Transuding Furies, they can clean your aura of anything that might be clinging to it from the Hellmouth."

"Really? Like what?" Xander asked curiously.

"Curses, bad luck, and any type of demonic taint you might have picked up from fighting demons or spending so much time directly over the Hellmouth."

Xander froze as a thought hit him. "You don't suppose I attract demons because I've been all but bathing in the Hellmouth for four years?"

"That sounds likely," Angel admitted.

"Aura cleansing it is," Xander said firmly, "it'd be nice to have a date that doesn't end in attempted human sacrifice."

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**


	61. Chapter 61

**Excessive Use of Force**

"Strike me down and I'll become more powerful than you can imagine," the brown robed old man said solemnly.

The black garbed cyborg ignored his final words and brought his lightsaber around in a decapitating cut, but the old man's body vanished and for just a second he could swear he saw a look of surprise on his face.

"Ben, no!" the padawan yelled out, seeing his master struck down.

A glowing form raised itself up from the old man's robes but it looked nothing like him. It looked around and sighed. "Would it have killed you to wait five minutes before cutting me in half?"

Everyone froze.

"Is that a ghost?" the smuggler asked in shock.

"A force ghost," the young padawan replied, "death isn't really the end."

"I mean seriously, I finally get here and less than a second later dead!" the ghost complained.

"Kenobi?" the cyborg asked in a surprisingly deep voice, obviously confused.

"I took his place at the last second," the ghost replied, "there was a ritual and a god who likes pranks, it was a thing. Well, now that I'm dead I'll just make your dumb ass miserable until I find a woman's shower to haunt."

"Ghosts cannot do anything more than annoy the living with endless yammering," the cyborg growled.

The ghost reached down and picked up Ben Kenobi's lightsaber and flipped it on causing the cyborg to pull back into a defensive position while the smuggler overcame his shock enough to drag off the kid.

"How?"

"I'm not decapitating you!" the ghost sang as he waved the lightsaber around, causing the cyborg to block and dodge awkwardly as his every counterstrike passed through the ghost causing no damage.

***SSSHHHT! Clang!* **

"Oops," the ghost said as the cyborg's arm fell to the deck, "you can fix that right?"

**0oOo0**

"What the hell happened back there?" the smuggler demanded.

"I don't know, I only started learning about the Force a couple of days ago," the padawan replied.

"What did I miss?" the princess they rescued asked as the ship went into hyperspace.

"Not much," the ghost replied as it popped up in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, scaring the hell out of everyone.

"What the hell are you?" the smuggler demanded.

"A force ghost, I thought Luke already told you that?"

"Well yeah but that doesn't really explain anything," he complained.

"Okay it's like this, anyone strong enough in the Force can basically decide to hang around and be a busybody when they die. The dark side force users have to use tools to do it, while the light side can just will it. I think that's to make up for the fact that the dark side can throw lightning bolts when they're pissed, which is pretty damn cool no matter how you slice it."

"And how are you here rather than the old man?" the smuggler asked.

"A being of power thought it would be a fun joke to switch my essence with Ben's right before he died."

"How do you know so much?" Luke asked, wondering if there were some Jedi still out there.

"Couple of reasons, one I'm connected to the Force which is telling me all sorts of things about the past, present and future. Two, I've seen the future of this universe thanks to a seer who turned it into a series of books and movies, I've always wanted to visit this universe and I've studied a lot about it."

"You know the future?" the smuggler asked doubtfully.

"As sure as Luke and Leia love each other."

"We just met!" Leia protested.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true," the ghost intoned with some amusement.

"I ..." the princess trailed off thoughtfully. "Come on farm boy we should probably talk in private," she said leading him back into the ship.

"So what's my future?" the smuggler asked doubtfully.

"General Han Solo, leader in the rebellion – which succeeds by the way, you become an important man and get everything you ever wanted by thinking of the good of the people rather than yourself ironically enough."

"Huh," Solo said thoughtfully.

"Whoa," the ghost said fading for a moment.

"What's wrong?" Solo asked.

"I think the Force is rejecting me, pushing me out of this universe."

"Why?"

"I guess … presence changed … time line..." the ghost said as he faded away.

**0oOo0**

***POP!***

"Ahhh!" screamed half a dozen voices.

"Ahhh!" the ghost screamed in response before grabbing his chest. "Don't do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Aren't you … dead?" the pointy eared, green skinned, teen asked nervously.

"Maybe," the ghost replied.

"Who are you?" a pale skinned girl wearing a dark leotard and cloak with a jewel on her forehead demanded.

"Xander, a high school student who just got booted here from another universe. I'm guessing I appeared here because I was thinking of cyborgs at the time."

Not satisfied with that answer she waved and a stream of black energy wrapped him up like a glove.

"Ahhh!" the two gasped out and she quickly withdrew her shadow from him.

"What was that?" the teen in the red and green outfit and a domino mask demanded.

"I think that was sex," the ghost said, flopping bonelessly in the air.

"What?" came the near universal chorus.

"Two souls directly interacting," Xander said slowly, "do I have to draw you a picture?"

The teens eyes turned to the pale girl who was blushing heavily. "Sorry," she apologized, "I didn't think ..."

Xander waved it off. "I don't mind, just make sure we're alone first next time."

"Next time?" the green skinned boy exclaimed.

Xander ignored him. "Well at least we're not qualified to be virgin sacrifices anymore," he joked.

"Really?" she asked intently.

"It was a bit quick but I think it counted," he said before being literally engulfed by her shadow.

Neither could tell you how long it lasted, though according to Cyborg it was 7.2 seconds, but for them it was a lot longer and shorter than that when things reached a crescendo and they exploded.

Well, Xander and her shadow did; her shadow passed through everything without leaving a trace while Xander …

The orange skinned alien girl wiped ectoplasm off her face. "Friend Raven thank you for letting me be present during your first time, but please ask him to aim better next time, I feel I have been in a … I believe it is called a bukake video."

"I'm going to go s-shower," Cyborg said in horror.

"Yeah, sounds like a plan," the green skinned teen agreed shivering.

"I'm not looking forward to cleaning this up," the masked boy said with a sigh pulling off his cape that he'd used to cover himself.

"It's ectoplasm," Raven offered, "it'll evaporate, ghosts don't leave physical traces."

Xander reformed from specks of light. "Okay that time definitely counted."

"Sorry, I just had to make sure," Raven explained.

"I get it," Xander said, "and this has been a learning experience for me."

"You're flickering," Raven said.

"I must have made some changes …" Xander vanished mid-sentence.

"So, what was that about?" Robin asked.

"Just avoiding becoming a virgin sacrifice," Raven said.

"With your powers it would be difficult to get close enough to someone to do so," Starfire said in understanding.

"It should be easier now," Raven said her cloak dripping with ectoplasm. "I hear ectoplasm is great for the skin," she offered.

**0oOo0**

Xander found himself floating in a featureless white void. "I would really be freaking out if I had glands to freak out with," he decided after a while.

Days of boredom passed.

A voice so loud it caused his ghostly form to vibrate spoke, **"Sorry, I was sure it would have taken you longer to make enough changes to actually effect the number of souls present. I now return you to your regularly scheduled life."**

Xander blinked and looked around, happy to be out of the white void and a bit surprised to be standing in front of Spike dressed as Obiwan Kenobi and holding a fake lightsaber.

Spike grinned evilly. "Let's see how tough you are without that bloody laser sword."

"Spike no!" Dru called out, throwing herself between the two and facing Xander.

"Dru love you need your rest, you shouldn't be out..." Spike said, trying to move her gently behind him.

"On my honor we'll leave and never return," Dru promised.

"What, but Dru without the Slayer's blood you'll never get better!" the blonde protested.

"The stars are in your eyes kitten," Dru told Xander, "I can see them clearer than in the night sky, this town is poison to us."

"Slayers and the Hellmouth are a bad combination for you two," Xander agreed.

"Goodbye kitten," Dru said sadly, realizing their paths wouldn't cross again.

"Goodbye Dru, remember French people are edible!"

"Even if they are a bit gamey," Dru agreed, laughing as she took Spike's hand and led him off.

"What the hell just happened?" Buffy demanded, looking at the crying children scattered about her backyard.

"Halloween on the Hellmouth," Xander replied with a sigh as he looked mournfully at the fake lightsaber in his hand.

"We better get the children back to their parents," Cordelia said, still upset about the loss of her deposit for the damaged cat outfit.

"This is why I stay in on Halloween," Angel said with a sigh.

"Costume craziness?" Buffy asked.

"Crying children," Angel replied with another sigh. "You have no idea how annoying it is to someone with vampiric hearing."

**The next day...**

"Has anyone noticed any lingering effects?" Giles asked.

"I keep running into things forgetting I'm not able to walk through solid objects," Willow offered.

"I have the strangest urge to take up knitting and I'm pretty sure I aced my French final," Buffy said happily.

"I've noticed …" Xander stopped and spun to face Buffy, "you aren't wearing any panties!"

"What?" Buffy exclaimed wide eyed. "For your information mom's doing laundry and the panties I was planning on wearing are in my gym locker as they got left there because of the fire drill that interrupted class and I plan on getting them as soon as we're done here. How did you know?"

"I dressed as a Jedi which is basically a warrior monk with psychic abilities," Xander replied, figuring Giles hadn't seen Star Wars.

"And your psychic gifts include being able to tell what underclothes Buffy is or is not wearing?" Giles asked.

"White bra with a stain on the inside of the left cup, because she was eating a chocolate chip cookie last week and accidentally dropped a chip in her cleavage." Xander replied, his eyes focused on something only he could see.

Everyone turned to Buffy who nodded. "I don't suppose you can see the winning lottery numbers?"

"Nah, the Force isn't exactly as George Lucas pictured it," Xander replied. "See, it's all about life being connected, yadda yadda yadda... and so really it's all about the nookie."

"Are you trying to tell me you have sexually based psychic abilities?" Giles demanded.

"Exactamundo," Xander replied happily even as the girls paled. "I am the heir of the sticky side of the force!"

**AN: Typing by godogma!**


	62. Chapter 62

**Sticky Situation**

"The sticky side of the Force?" Giles repeated, rubbing his temples.

"Yes," Xander agreed. "If it has to do with sex I am empowered in it," he said proudly. "I have telekinesis and the rest, like your typical Jedi but where my powers focus and excel is sex."

The doors to the library opened and Snyder slunk in. "Summers, Harris just the delinquents I was looking for!"

"These aren't the delinquents you're looking for," Xander said, waving his hand in front of Snyder's face.

"These aren't the delinquents I'm looking for," Snyder repeated.

"You need to find the right woman and settle down," Xander said.

"I need to find the right woman and settle down," Snyder said thoughtfully.

"Begin your search in Ohio," Xander ordered.

"I think I'll start my search in Ohio," Snyder said turning and walking off.

"Did you just rid us of Snyder?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Until he finds a wife," Xander agreed.

"No more Snyder … forever," Buffy breathed in wonder.

Willow suddenly moved between Buffy and Xander, blushing when he gave her a knowing look.

"And what will you be doing with these powers?" Giles asked, thinking about what Ripper would have done given a fraction of that ability.

"First I must find an apprentice," Xander said. "I can't be selfish and keep the Force to myself when there are no other practitioners."

"And how will you know-" Giles began, only to be interrupted by someone ringing the bell at the front counter.

"Library guy!" the girl at the front counter called out, waving at Giles.

Giles sighed and walked to the front counter. "How may I help you?"

"Do you have the Unabridged Kama Sutra in Hindu? The American version is edited all to hell and back! It's obscene!" she declared.

"When the student is ready, the master shall appear," Xander said, silencing everyone.

"Harris?" Harmony asked, wondering what was going on.

"Yes my apprentice?" Xander asked, taking her hands and looking deep in her eyes.

Harmony instantly fell to her knees in front of him and rubbed her cheek against his crotch. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

Giles removed his glasses and rubbed his temples again, thanking all that was holy that he still had the better part of a pint of whiskey in his office.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	63. Chapter 63

**Fourplay Chapter 2**

"Does everyone have everything they need," Xander asked, "like that whatever that blue compact is that Dawn and Dawn already forgot?"

"I remembered," Dawn Rosenberg said, pulling out a notepad and two blue compacts. "I made a list so I wouldn't forget and even brought a spare."

Dawn Osborn snagged one of the compacts. "Yoink!"

"Forget to bring yours?" Rosenberg asked.

Osborn nodded. "Thanks."

"Two weeks," Xander said, causing some blushing. "I don't know why, but that's what mom and Joyce said."

"Not necessarily," Osborn smirked.

Dawn Summers rolled her eyes. "I'd rather wait than take a risk and screw things up."

"Not what I meant," Osborn said.

"I'd rather wait than have plastic covering everything," Dawn Harris said firmly.

"Also not what I meant," Osborn replied, "you have to walk before you can run but..."

"You can jog," Rosenberg pointed out, "you can also skip …" her voice trailed off and she turned bright red.

"Does everyone have everything they need," Xander asked again, "if so I say we hit LA and find a better vehicle." He was firmly trying not to think about what they were discussing.

"We can pick up a copy of the LA Times at a gas station on the way," Harris suggested.

"If we're hanging in LA for a couple of days anyway I can put out some feelers," Osborn offered.

"And I can check online," Rosenberg said.

"I can check with dad," Summers perked up and added, "he's probably got some local contacts."

"Are we going to Disneyland while we're here?" Rosenberg asked hopefully.

"We're a bit too old for something that childish," Summers said sadly.

"It's mostly a place for kids," Harris agreed with a sigh.

"So in other words we're going?" Osborn asked Xander.

"Damn skippy," Xander agreed cheerfully.

0oOo0

"Have you tried using the DNA from two of your current generation and seeing what the results would be if you mixed them?" Xander asked.

"Yes, nothing viable – you see the cellular degeneration was unique for every member of my species and only retarded in regards to cloning since that was all that concerned us at the time," Loki explained.

Xander groaned. "I wish I was as smart as you."

"I am smarter and yet it has not helped me solve this problem. There is knowledge somewhere, possibly among the ruins of an Ancient's city that will allow me to save my people. Perhaps we should start searching there."

"Or do both at once," Xander said, "just because we haven't gotten results fast enough to suit us is no reason to stop searching in that direction too."

"How do you mean?" Loki asked.

"Since we don't know where the answer is we might as well continue flailing around in the dark as well as blazing a path just in case we get lucky."

Loki stood there blinking for a moment in a way that Xander had learned to interpret as deep thought. "That is … stupidly brilliant."

"Stupidly brilliant?" Xander asked.

"On the surface it is illogical; the idea of a fool and a waste of resources however actually examining the concept it possesses the potential to find any number of solutions to the problems facing us or at the very least to increase the efficiency of other portions of our search. You say you wish you were smart like me; I wish I were stupid like you. Your race has a way of making intuitive leaps that mine lacks."

"We also lack the logical mind to make our leaps into a reality a lot of the time," Xander said shaking his head. "Trust me on this."

"Then it is a good thing that we are working together," Loki said. "I have set the ship on course to an Ancient outpost, in the meantime let us continue brain storming."

"You said the goa'uld use sarcophagi to keep themselves going forever?"

"The effects on their brains and culture are not positive," Loki said.

"Yeah, but what if we …."

0oOo0

Hank froze as he saw the four Dawn's and Xander, all wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

"Daddy!" Dawn Summers exclaimed before running up and giving him a great big hug, while the others simply walked over.

"Princess," he said, hugging her back with a confused look in his eyes.

"Mr. Summers," Xander introduced himself, "I'm Xander Harris and this is Dawn Harris, Dawn Osborn, and Dawn Rosenberg."

"Nice to meet you," Hank said gravely, holding his daughter like she might vanish at any moment. "I'll pay 25,000 dollars if you promise to tell me there is a logical explanation for this and swear not to tell me my pumpkin isn't my pumpkin."

"Daddy!" Dawn groaned.

"Okay, fifty," he said earnestly.

"Deal!" Osborn agreed, much to the others shock, as Hank quickly filled out and handed her a check.

"I'm still your daughter!" Dawn Summers said stamping her foot.

"And you always will be," Hank said firmly.

"Once in a lifetime coincidence," Dawn Osborn said, "the number of chromosomes that make up those of us with European root stock aren't that varied and Dawn was a very popular name for those of European descent at the time we were all born. Probably a subliminal ad someone ran that made the name stick in the head. Look close and you'll see we aren't perfect twins, just similar."

Hank smiled broadly. "Coincidences happen. So, what brings you this way pumpkin?"

"Well, we're going on a road trip but we need a bigger vehicle. So I thought I'd see if you knew someone," Dawn Summers replied.

"Why not discuss it over lunch with your daughter, while we go to the bank so you'll have some private time?" Dawn Harris suggested.

"Give me your wallet and I'll deposit your share in your account," Dawn Osborn offered.

After they'd left Dawn turned to her father. "Fifty thousand dollars?"

"You're cheap at twice the price pumpkin," Hank said, "do you have any idea what they sell white girls for on the black market these days? It's practically criminal."

Dawn groaned. "I keep forgetting what your sense of humor is like."

"So … this is the Xander whose name I've heard you moan in your sleep?"

"Daddy!" Dawn blushed. "Wait, I talk in my sleep?"

"Nah, I bribe your sister for all the good blackmail info," he replied.

"Really?" Dawn asked incredulously.

"Yep, I'm not a great father and I try to make up for it with money," he admitted, "thankfully your mother is a wonderful parent and you take after her."

"You aren't that bad," Dawn said quietly.

"But I'm not that good either," Hank said honestly. "If you take any advice from me take this; know your limitations and learn from my mistakes, I'm a loving father not a great one. Now tell me about Xander."

"Okay," Dawn said quietly as they walked to the car and she gathered her thoughts. "Xander is … wonderful; when I'm down he cheers me up and when I'm bad..."

"He spanks you?"

"I wish … DADDY!" Dawn's cheeks were bright red. "He's firm when he needs to be and a big marshmallow the rest of the time."

"And why did he look like a mouse surrounded by cats?" Hank asked.

"No reason!" Dawn chirped quickly.

Hank groaned and unlocked the car, as they were backing up he said, "Usually the father is supposed to protect the girl and growl at the boy; but in this case I think… being a good father means I have to give you some advice. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine there are one of you and four of him; that's a lot of ways for a heart to be pulled, go easy on him."

Dawn's smile told him he'd said the right thing.

"And make sure there's a lot of Gatorade around so he doesn't die of dehydration."

"DADDY!"

0oOo0

"They protect their sarcophagi fiercely," Loki said, "and we need to make sure the theft is not connected to either of our peoples."

"If you have the tools we can always pretend to be a third race," Xander suggested, "what myths and legends have they heard of?"

**Before … **

As the spell to clothe the key in human form and send it to the protector was completed the spell fractured and almost failed as the protector twinned itself.

The abbot of their order looked at the blue glowing ball that was left behind by the spell. "Take five everyone and then resume your places, we only sent half the key."

One of the monks frowned. "Wouldn't that create two girls for the protector to watch over?"

"I believe so," the abbot agreed, unaware of the focus of their spell no longer being a single target, " but that should make it harder for the beast to find it, as the beast shall expect it to be a single item!"

**After … **

"You will tell me what I want to know!" the beast growled, sinking her fingers into the abbot's brain but to no avail as he died before she could get more than a single clue.

"What the hell are pokemon?" she roared.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	64. Chapter 64

**Xander and Anya's Excellent Adventure**

Xander stared at the basement ceiling, his eyes tracing a spiderweb coated with dust as he contemplated his life. Halloween was hell once more with a side order of poking at mental scars and the following week actually sucked even more because I ended up serving Buffy cursed beer after being given proof that my fears weren't groundless.

The outside basement door opened with its customary creak, letting in a flood of sunlight that made Xander wince.

"I hope you're down here Xander because I plan on having sex with you and masturbating in your bed while thinking of you is a poor replacement." Anya said in her usual blunt as a sledgehammer way, the sunlight cutting through the white sundress she had on and sending a very curvy shadow Xander's way.

Closing the door behind her she beamed as her eyes adapted and she saw Xander lying there. "I'd heard you go got fired so I came to monopolize your free time!"

"I was working on a first class mope," Xander said falling silent as her sundress pooled around her feet leaving her in a pair of blue satin panties.

**Later...**

"You make it impossible for me to mope, you know that?" Xander asked lying beside Anya.

"Isn't the girlfriend's job to keep the boyfriend's spirits up?"

"And vice verse." Xander agreed.

"Well there are plenty of dead end jobs that pay a barely acceptable wage you can get to tide you over while looking for something better."

"I know and in Sunnydale dead end sometimes means just that," Xander said, recalling several jobs he'd had and the reason for the high turnover rate. "I was actually wondering if things might not be better off the Hellmouth."

"Really?" Anya asked, eyes wide, "you'd be willing to move someplace safer?"

"I'm seriously considering it," Xander replied, "I mean, I don't have many reasons to stick around anymore and I never did get to see what the rest of the US was like."

"I thought you drove all over the country during the summer?"

"I got as far as Oxnard before the engine fell out of my car and I was forced to get a job to replace it," Xander admitted.

"That's horrible!" she exclaimed. "Not working in Oxnard, because I got a job working as a bartender at a strip club there while fleeing the mayor but the fact that you didn't even reach LA."

"The Fabulous Ladies Night Club?"

"Yeah, the eye candy was nice, the tips were good and the owner would hire people she thought would make good strippers as dish washers and then have a dancer pretend an injury to get him up on stage."

"It was an act?" Xander groaned.

"Susie got you up on stage?"

"I'd never have made enough money washing dishes to fix my car, the engine fell out was literal fact in this case."

"Well if you want to see the US there are several jobs that let you move around a lot and pay enough to cover the costs."

"Stripping?" Xander guessed.

"And bar tending."

Xander began to grin, "Anya, how would you like to see the US with me?"

"Travel around, make contacts and see the sights with an eye towards finding the perfect place to live?" she suggested.

"Yeah," Xander mused thoughtfully.

0oOo0

"I'm surprised Willow and Buffy aren't here," Joyce said at Xander's going away party, held in her house at her insistence.

Giles nodded, "I'm sure something important must have happened to hold them up."

Dawn clung to Xander like an octopus, upset that he was leaving but understanding the reasons why. "And you better write!"

"I will," Xander promised, "I'll send souvenirs and post cards I swear."

"Thanks for being so understanding." Joyce told Anya.

"If it was Buffy doing it or Willow I'd be a lot less understanding," Anya admitted, "but I can't fault her taste and I don't think she'll be a significant threat for several years. By being nice to her now she'll be hesitant to use underhanded methods against me later. Hopefully Xander and I are compatible enough that by the time she matures enough to make a play for him we'll already be bonded."

"That's … well thought out." Giles said after a couple of seconds of silence.

"Thank you!"

"She could grow out of her crush." Joyce suggested.

Dawn suddenly grabbed Xander's ears and kissed him hard before running off leaving Xander frozen in shock.

"If it is just a crush, yes." Anya agreed.

Xander stumbled over to the loveseat and collapsed next to Anya, "I … uh..."

"Have some coffee." Joyce said, offering Xander a cup.

"Thank you," he replied reflexively as he accepted it.

"Any idea where Willow and Buffy are?" Giles asked.

"No idea," Xander replied, glad for the change of topic, "I've called and left messages every day this week, heck I even over nighted a couple of joke reservations to them yesterday morning."

"I'm sure they're just running late," Joyce said, "what's your itinerary?"

"A quick stop in Oxnard for old times sake," Xander said, exchanging a grin with Anya, "and then LA. Did you know I've never been to Hollywood or seen any of the sights even though I only live a couple of hours from there?"

"As a resident of California I believe you're legally required to go to Disneyland at least once," Joyce said mock seriously.

"That's the corporation with the rodent as their mascot, not the one with the bunny right?" Anya asked.

**A couple of hours later … **

"This has been great, but we'd better get going." Anya said reluctantly, having genuinely liked getting to know Joyce as she collected her purse.

"Buffy and Willow should have been here," Joyce said with a sigh.

"We'll have to catch them the next time we come to town," Anya replied, "it's not like we'll never return."

"Yeah," Xander agreed, his mood brightening.

Joyce gave Xander and Anya a hug, "Write, call, email – just don't lose touch."

"We won't," Xander said as he and Giles shook hands.

"Now go upstairs and give Dawn a hug and promise you won't forget her," Anya ordered.

Xander looked at Anya with some surprise.

"Yes it'll make her miss you more," Anya answered his unasked question, "but it'll also keep her from getting all depressed and mopey. Do you really want her dressing in black and wearing lots of mascara until she turns twenty?"

Xander found himself being pushed toward the stairs by Joyce.

"That was very nice of you," Giles said.

"The key to a good partnership is to help each other; I may not understand a lot about humanity because I was apart from it for over fifty times the amount of time I was part of it but I've seen enough wrong answers to love to get a feel for what the right ones are."

"Look after him for me," Joyce said, "he's done so much for my family that he's become a part of it."

"I will." Anya promised.

0oOo0

Willow glanced around with a worried look on her face the second Xander's car passed the city limits.

"What's wrong?" Buffy asked.

"Feels like something's changed." Willow replied after a moment of thought.

Buffy looked around their dorm room. "It doesn't look like anything is missing."

**AN: Typing by Godogma.**


	65. Chapter 65

**Strange bedfellows 3**

Tara looked around the motorhome, which probably cost more than she could guess at and began to accept the two strangers' story. This was all too elaborate to be a con job and her family too poor to bother with. Walking to the front she found Xander relaxing in the passenger seat while Kennedy drove.

"What really sucks is that we've seen every good movie and TV show to come out for the next couple of decades," Xander said.

"Not to mention knowing all the major disasters and Hollywood scandals," Kennedy replied. "It's going to be like Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray, where we end up learning how to be an expert in throwing cards into a hat just to pass the time."

"Demon fighting rarely gets old and we could make our own movies if it comes to that," he waved it off.

"Porn?" Kennedy asked with a smirk.

Xander laughed. "Yeah we could make our own porn, but I was thinking more of opening a studio."

"You want to direct porn?"

"Enough with the porn," he snickered. "I mean we could open an actual movie studio and have movies made from scripts we like."

"What would we call it?" Kennedy asked.

"Time Traveler Studios," Xander suggested. "No one would believe it and anything that we let slip becomes just part of an elaborate publicity stunt to generate buzz."

"I've got…" Kennedy trailed off.

"Family in the business?"

"Yeah."

"Tell them the truth," he suggested.

"Are you kidding?" she exclaimed.

"No, why?" he asked.

"Won't we end up in a lab or something?"

"Nah, studio heads are too visible to just vanish and anyone saying we are time travelers would be treated like anyone who tries to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger claiming he's a cyborg from the future."

"That could work," Kennedy said beginning to smile.

"You really are time travelers," Tara said in wonder.

"From the world of tomorrow!" Xander said imitating the guy who woke people from cryo-sleep in Futurama and making Kennedy laugh, while Tara just looked confused. Xander groaned. "All my hip pop-culture references are for things that haven't come out yet."

"We'll slip them into the movies like Easter eggs," Kennedy promised with a laugh.

"We can set up shop in LA," Xander decided. "I'm thinking cheesy horror movies like Troma-ton pictures for the main product."

"That's just a step above porn," Kennedy said.

"A step involving rubber suits and cheesy effects," he pointed out.

"I like it!"

*** Scene change ***

Alex hit the mats with a thud that made faith wince, but he was back on his feet again before his opponent could capitalize on that fact.

"How do you keep getting up?" Buffy demanded.

*** flashback ***

"Take a look at this picture," Xander said, showing Alex a picture of an adorable three-year-old girl with messy brown hair.

"Cute kid."

Xander nodded. "If you fall in battle and don't get back up you'll do worse than kill her, you'll make it so she's never born."

"Who's the mother?" Alex demanded.

Xander ignored his question. "If you fall, get back up, never let up never stop for anything short of death herself and if anyone asks just say –"

*** end flashback ***

"Are you dense? Are you retarded?" Alex snarled causing Buffy to freeze up at the fairly expression on his face. "I'm the God damned Batman!" he exclaimed, before foot sweeping Buffy and sending her to the mats.

Faith burst out laughing as Buffy kipped back to her feet and the spar resumed its one-sided 'flatten Alex' course, but until she finally knocked him out, he never once failed to get back up.

*** Scene change ***

"What's that?" Tara asked as she saw the picture of the little brown haired girl in his wallet.

"Came with the wallet," Xander replied.

"Yeah, but you like to pretend she's yours," Kennedy pointed out.

"Not mine necessarily," Xander argued, "just related. Fighting for humanity isn't always easy because a lot of humans are bastards, but fighting for a single little girl… makes it easy to do whatever you need to do. For this little girl… I'll do things that make demons shudder."

Tara looked unsure and nervous once more, but Xander smiled encouragingly at her. "Look at the young girl with the brown eyes," he said. "Really look at her. She has hopes and dreams of the future. Of course right now that dream involves having her own pony and being a princess. What would you do to those that would harm her, to keep her safe?"

She stared at the photo as if hypnotized. "Nearly anything," Tara admitted softly stroking the picture with a finger.

"Now I believe she's a Scooby," Kennedy said loudly breaking the spell.

"A Scooby?" Tara asked pulling back from Xander.

"Yeah, a Scooby," the slayer confirmed without explaining.

Xander chuckled. "A Scooby is our name for one of us demon hunters who try and keep the world spinning."

"It's more than that," Kennedy disagreed. "It's for people who will sacrifice everything for a girl who may not even exist."

"No!" Tara exclaimed then blushed at her response before continuing in a much lower tone, "She exists. Maybe not here and now, but somewhere, somewhen she exists and there are people who will fight to protect her."

"Like I said," Kennedy grinned, "a Scooby."

A companionable silence fell as they watch the road.

"So, where are we heading?" Kennedy asked.

"Why ask me, you're driving," Xander replied.

"You're the boss man, I figured you'd have a plan."

"I did, rescue Tara," he replied. "After that I'm pretty much open to suggestions."

"I haven't had any dreams pushing me in any specific direction," the slayer applied.

"Tara, you have any preferences?" the one eyed man asked.

"N-no," she replied shyly.

Xander examined Tara making her blush and look away. "Ghost towns," he said suddenly. "We're going to go poking around ghost towns in the West. Head for the Midwest."

"Y-you can read minds?" Tara asked wide-eyed.

"Nope, but I remember you telling me that you always wanted to visit some old Western ghost towns and that sounds like a fine idea to me."

"That does sound like fun," Kennedy agreed. "Can we go gold panning too?"

"Sure, but I doubt you'll find much."

"It's not about finding gold it's about getting wet and muddy!"

"Is wrestling involved?" Xander asked hopefully.

"Play your cards right," Kennedy replied with a wink, causing Xander to laugh and Tara to blush once more.

**AN: I love Dragon NaturallySpeaking and I still hate typing!**


	66. Chapter 66

**Buffy SI: part 2**

(Part one is chapter 57)

"I'm thirsty," John told the bartender.

The weaselly little man backed up. "No feeding off the bartender!"

John made a face. "That's disgusting."

"I'm glad you think so," Willy agreed. "What can I get you?"

"Well, as I was saying, I just clawed my way out of my coffin and spent the next half-hour running from some blonde girl who wanted to give me a wooden suppository, I am thirsty!"

"I've got just what you need," Willy promised, vanishing under the bar to return a second later with a quart container of red liquid.

John took a sip and smacked his lips. "This is blood, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Willy agreed. "10% human with a combination of cattle and sheep making up the rest, so even a Jewish vampire can imbibe without a problem and at a price everyone can afford."

"Sort of a blood cocktail?" John asked taking another sip.

"Exactly," Willy said enthusiastically. "Straight human has got to get boring after a while and with people's diets these days it's probably way too fattening. Willy's blood cocktail is perfect for when you want a drink that won't make you fat, and feel like spending a night doing your own thing."

John pulled out his wallet and took out a couple of bills. "Gimme a bunch, I'm a couple of quarts low."

Unlocking the door to his studio apartment, he stumbled in and made his way to the fridge, wincing at the light as he opened it and put away the case of pint-size bottles filled with Willy' s special blend. Looking around he couldn't tell if someone had gone through his stuff or not. 'I really should hire a maid,' he thought, the idea of actually cleaning himself so foreign as to be ignored. Dropping his clothes in a line straight to his bed, John crawled under the covers and fell instantly asleep.

***BEEP*BEEP*BEEP***

John groaned and crawled out of bed, mindlessly going through his daily ritual of getting ready for school. Generally you could count on him not being fully awake until at least second period and today, despite recent events, was no exception.

"Mr. Flint?" the teacher asked.

"Yeah?" John asked looking up from the book he was reading.

"I do believe your funeral was a few days ago, would you care to explain?" Mrs. Jensen, his homeroom teacher asked.

"No idea, he said with a shrug. I woke up in a coffin and there was a lot of running and screaming involved. I'm guessing I had an allergic reaction and slipped into a coma, then some quack decided I was dead and tried to bury me. All I know is it was not a good night."

"Well until I get some paperwork saying you're alive and reinstated as a student I'm afraid you can't attend classes."

John groaned and gathered up his things. "This is going to be a pain."

"I gotta use the bathroom," Buffy said as soon as the door closed behind John.

"That's 'may I use the bathroom' Miss Summers," the teacher said with a glare.

"Why are you asking me?" Buffy said confused. "You're the teacher."

Mrs. Jensen rubbed her temples. "Go Miss Summers, just go."

"Thanks," Buffy said hurrying after John. She saw him rounding a corner and sprinted after him.

"What are you doing out of class with all your possessions?" Snyder demanded.

"Mrs. Jensen said I can't return to class until she gets paperwork saying I'm alive," John explained. "Apparently my word isn't good enough."

Buffy skidded around the corner unable to stop herself.

"Running in the halls," Snyder said with a grin as he spotted her. "I believe that's detention."

"I...uh, have to go really bad," Buffy said quickly.

"I don't care," Snyder sneered. "Detention for both of you, have a nice day."

The two teens watched as Snyder strode off, a happy smile on his face.

"Joy, I have detention in the school I can't even attend until I get my birth certificate renewed," John cursed.

"How are you walking in sunlight?" Buffy demanded.

"You?" John exclaimed. "You're the psycho from last night. He pulled a whistle from under his shirt and put it to his lips. "I've got a rape whistle and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Buffy backed away, not needing the attention, as John quickly put as much distance as possible between them. Unsure of what was going on she decided to consult with Giles. Being careful not to run into Snyder again she hit the library. "Giles, we have trouble!"

Giles looked up from the book he was reading.

"Remember the running man from the other night? Well, he's in school today."

"What? Are you sure?" Giles asked.

"Oh yeah, recognize me and pulled out a rape whistle. I don't suppose you have an explanation?"

"I – I suppose it's possible the vampire who tried to turn him made a mistake," Giles admitted.

"Made a mistake?" Buffy asked. "How does that work?"

"Well the vampire feeds their blood to the nearly drained individual, but... And this is just a guess mind you, if the person went into shock and slipped into a coma-like state that the vampire mistook for the individual dying, then the blood wouldn't turn them into a vampire it would've just made them a blood ghoul."

"And how do you kill a blood ghoul?" Buffy asked.

"You don't," Giles said firmly. "A blood ghoul is just a human with a measure of vampiric power gained from drinking vampire blood. It wears off in a day or so."

"So... I almost staked a human?" Buffy asked worriedly.

"We don't know that for sure yet, Giles assured her. "The odds against it happening are astronomical, but if it worries you use a squirt gun filled with holy water as Willow suggested to test the risers."

"I'll do that," Buffy said relieved. "Thanks, Giles."

John sighed and pulled a book from his backpack to read while waiting. The lines at the DMV took forever and he was almost positive it was what being stuck in limbo was like, but they always knew with what line you needed to be in to get something done. He looked at the long line that wound back and forth in front of him inside. 'This is going to take forever!'

**AN: Bless Dragon Naturally Speaking.**

**AN2: SIs don't die from being turned, that only happens to the NPCs.**


	67. Chapter 67

**Batteries Not Included**

The bell over the Magic Shop's front door rang, interrupting a massive argument between Buffy and Dawn.

"Has someone been playing with the feral genie?" Buffy asked, as a red faced Xander entered the shop with a happily smiling Dawn, dressed in what was obviously some of his clothes.

"Ferula Gemini," Giles automatically corrected.

"No, see I got this idea-" Xander began, seeing that he had everyone's attention.

"To have sex with my baby sister!" Buffy growled immediately adding two and two together to make five.

Xander just stared speechless trying to figure out how Buffy had jumped to the conclusion he was sleeping with Dawn.

"She's only fourteen!" Buffy noted. "You're five, almost six years older than her."

"Isn't that how much older Riley is than you?" the Dawn with Xander asked cheerfully. "Of course, that's nothing compared to the centuries between you and Angel, which is like only a quarter of the age difference between Xander and Anya. Wow, the age difference between me and Xander is miniscule!"

"Yes," Giles admitted, "but... Buffy was fifteen when they started dating."

"So, two months then?" the Dawn who'd been arguing with Buffy asked with an ear splitting grin.

"No!" Buffy exclaimed. "And give me that!"

Dawn clutched the papers she was holding to her chest. "Never!" She immediately started dodging Buffy's renewed attempts to take the papers.

"What are they arguing about?" Xander asked.

"Dawn has a complete list of your turn-ons and favorite sexual positions," Willow said absently, as she and Tara just sat there and watched.

"There's a list?" Xander asked dumbly, as the Dawn who came in with him quickly joined in a game of keep away, which Buffy won, getting the pages away from them.

"Anya gave it to her before leaving," Giles explained. "Xander, the Ferula Gemini is not a toy and using it on Dawn could have had unforeseen consequences. I'm very disappointed in you."

"And the sex with Dawn part?!" Buffy demanded.

"Fifteen is the legal age of consent in England and she's only a couple of months off," Giles replied. "And considering the two individuals involved, I'd imagine it was completely consensual."

"Let me clear some things up," Xander said. "I didn't use the Ferula Gemini on Dawn, nor did I have sex with her."

"Damnit!" Dawn cursed, disappointed.

Everyone looked at the two Dawns and then back to Xander.

"One is a Dawnie, the other is a Dottie," he explained.

"Aaah, so you had sex with a robot doppleganger of Dawn," Willow said.

"Yes-NO, well, yes, but not on purpose," Xander admitted embarrassed.

"How do you accidentally have sex with a robot duplicate of my sister?" Buffy asked with a glare.

"I don't know about you, but naked girl in my bed, and me half-awake and expecting that girl to be my girlfriend, equals accidental sex," Xander replied.

"How did she end up in your bed?" Dawn asked.

"Anya found me standing in the closet and ordered me to get in bed with him," Dottie explained cheerfully.

"And why was there a copy of my sister in your closet?" Buffy asked. "Not that I disapprove," she quickly said as she thought about it. "If you want to have sex with a robot duplicate of Dawn rather than her, feel free!"

"Thanks," Dawn said rolling her eyes.

"I ordered a copy of Dawn from Warren, because I thought she'd be useful in confusing and leading off Glory to help keep Dawn safe," he explained. "And I'm guessing Anya found her naked in the closet and made some assumptions."

"Why was she naked in the closet?" Tara asked.

"Because Warren is a sleaze and had her show up dressed in hooker-wear," Xander replied. "I had her throw away the crap she was wearing and was planning on having Anya dress her in some of her spare clothes."

"Let's see how accurate you are," Dawn said, grabbing Dottie's hand and leading her to the back room.

"Sorry," Buffy offered, having listened to what he'd said and thought about it. "I should have trusted you more, not been so hypocritical, and found out the details before jumping to conclusions."

Xander hugged Buffy. "Thank you."

"We are identical down to the mole on my cheek," Dawn reported as she and Dottie returned shortly after they'd left.

"You have a mole?" Xander asked looking at Dawn's face and not finding one.

"Yeah, wanna see it?" she asked hopefully.

"Wrong cheek, Xander," Buffy quickly said.

"Then how would Warren know?" he asked.

"I'll find out when I beat it from him," Buffy said with a hard smile.

"He's already moved," Xander replied. "The latest danger was too much for him."

"Well...good." Buffy decided.

"Hanging around me would make it obvious there are two of us," Dawn said. "Dottie should go with Xander, so he can coach her a bit more on how to act like me."

"That's a good idea," Giles said thoughtfully.

"Exactly," Dawn agreed. "So shoo before someone sees us both together and figures things out."

"Ok, I'll catch you all later," Xander said, leaving with Dottie.

"I'm going to go work on Bottie," Dawn said suddenly, turning and heading to the storage room.

"Well, today's started off interestingly," Buffy said.

"Indeed," Giles agreed, waving Buffy towards the back for training.

Tara sipped her coffee.

"Told you this was better than any soap opera," Willow said.

"Buffy put Anya's list in her back pocket," Tara noted.

"And Dawn knows nothing about fixing electronics," Willow added.

"She also doesn't blink every seven seconds on the dot," Tara agreed.

The phone rang and Willow picked it up. "Magic Shop, Willow speaking. Hey, Xander. I'll take a look at her later, for now, just let her follow her programming. No problem, bye."

"Programming?" Tara asked.

"According to Xander, Dottie is following orders given by Anya to act as his girlfriend and he doesn't have the password needed to change those orders."

"I wonder what's going to happen when Dottie and Bottie are both fully functional," Tara said.

"Well, Dottie should have Bottie repaired in a couple of hours, which should let Buffy know that Dawn left, pretending to be an android ordered to act as Xander's girlfriend."

"I doubt Dawn will be brave enough to go for more than a few kisses and some groping in that time," Tara said.

"And Buffy will decide she has to sacrifice herself to 'save' Dawn by jumping on Xander herself," Willow decided.

"I don't know," Tara said with a frown, "even though she did keep the list, she's been in denial for a long time."

"Giles will stay out of it," Willow decided.

"We'll be asked to take sides," Tara noted.

"I'll take the androids' side," Willow said suddenly.

"I'll take the humans' then."

"You know what would be funny?" Willow asked.

"What?"

"A robot Glory, to completely confuse the issue for anyone watching."

"With robot minions," Tara added.

"I've got such a brilliant girlfriend," Willow said, causing Tara to blush.

**Saturday prior**

Warren backed away from the door as Xander entered. "I just built it, I have no control over how it's used."

Xander nodded and kicked the door closed behind him, before extending a hand holding a shoebox.

"I'm not going to find... Well a head wouldn't fit," Warren said, "a body part of someone in my family or my dog's head, am I?"

"It's cash," Xander said.

"Really?" Warren asked surprised.

"Yup. I need a handful of robots built, hopefully better than Bottie, to use in combat and as body doubles."

Warren opened the shoe box and stared at Xander.

"I need them of me and my friends as soon as possible."

"I can probably have the Dawn bot completed and ready by Tuesday, she being the smallest and me already having reference material for her mixed in with the stuff I was given for Buffy, but the others will take time and I need footage of how they look and act," Warren said, still shocked over the amount of cash he'd just been handed.

"I'd suggest changing addresses first, because if Spike could find you so could a lot of other things," Xander warned.

"You've got a point there," Warren agreed, already planning on how to fill Xander's order.

**AN: I just like the idea of flooding Sunnydale with Terminator versions of the Scoobs.**

**AN2: Typing by Ordieth, who actually managed to decipher my handwriting and type this up from a handful of scanned pages.**


	68. Chapter 68

**B.U.M.**

Xander awoke to someone poking him. "Wutyou'ont?" he muttered, half awake.

"I believe she wants to know what you're doing clinging invisibly to the underside of a building ledge," Nightwing said.

"I was sleeping," Xander replied irritably.

"The snores kinda gave that away," the masked hero replied, as Batgirl continued feeling out the invisible part.

"Watch the hands!" Xander exclaimed as the latex clad young lady's exploration hit a bit below the belt line.

She sent a flurry of hand signs which Nightwing translated, "Why are you sleeping naked and invisible out here?"

"I'm wearing as much clothing as Martian Manhunter does," Xander defended himself, allowing his eyes and mouth to become visible. "I'm homeless, broke, and have no ID," he explained. "And I figured this was better than a park bench."

"You're a Martian?"

"No," Xander said flatly. "Now, do you mind letting me sleep?"

"Are you an alien or a meta?" he asked.

"A little bit of each, why?"

"Because I can't just have an unknown meta or alien running around loose," he replied.

Xander made his right eyebrow visible so he could raise it. "Go be a bigot elsewhere, I need my beauty sleep."

"I'm not being a bigot!" Nightwing exclaimed. "I don't know what powers you have or what your motivation is. For all I know, you could be a deranged killer or need to eat human liver to survive."

"If I was a deranged killer I wouldn't be sleeping outside and my dietary needs are the same as most humans, though I do like my sweets," Xander said. "And if you weren't a bigot you'd be rousting all the homeless, not just the ones who aren't pure human."

Batgirl sent a flurry of signals, clearly amused.

"Paranoid I'll cop to," Nightwing admitted. "But not bigotry."

"Then why are you bugging me?" Xander demanded.

"Because you have the capability of causing a lot of trouble and I don't know you well enough to trust you."

"You are an idiot than," Xander said flatly. "Because you should never ever underestimate what 'mere' humans can do; powers may seem like the most important factor but intelligence and will are something you should never overlook."

Batgirl applauded, grinning widely.

Nightwing groaned. He had a feeling this was going to be a long night.

Xander crawled into bed and pulled up the covers, though he still left his camouflage ability on.

It'd taken Nightwing over an hour to convince Xander to come to the Watchtower and eventually he'd had to resort to bribery and a promise that he wasn't going to be locked up and that they'd help him find his place in the world.

He'd barely gotten to sleep when he felt someone crawling into bed with him. "Occupied," he said half awake.

"Sleepy," a female voice countered wrapping her arms around him.

"Kay," he replied and went back to sleep.

There was some excitement when she awoke, six hours later, and discovered she had slept with the invisible man, but Xander slept through it and didn't awaken until several hours after she'd left. Between sheer exhaustion, and being repeatedly woken up, Xander slept until noon. A quick shower left him feeling ravenous, but much more human than he'd gone to bed.

Deciding that the last thing he needed was to be run over by someone because they didn't see him, Xander contemplated how he should look before deciding on morphing into the invisible man in a tuxedo ala Claude Rains, so he looked like a very upscale burn victim with his head wrapped in gauze and a pair of thin white gloves covering his hands. With the variety of costumes on the space station he didn't even look out of place as he joined the crowd off on their various errands while he searched for the cafeteria.

His nose led him right to Nirvana, according to his stomach.

The Justice League's cafeteria was enormous, designed to seat over a hundred beings of various sizes...which made it look even more like a high-school cafeteria. Seriously.

Xander was about to get in line when he and some others were lassoed by a stretched out limb. "Come on campers," Plastic Man said cheerfully, dragging them off. "You Jr JLU members are about to get some experience in crowd control."

"I can throw lightning around and I'm stuck as crowd control?" Static Shock complained.

"Everyone's gotta start somewhere," Gear replied.

"That's the spirit!" Plastic Man cheered. "I'll be right with you, unless the members onsite need my help too. It's all about teamwork."

The four were teleported into the middle of a warzone.

Sinestro and Green Lantern were trading blasts from their power rings while Superman and Solomon Grundy exchanged blows that made the ground shudder and Batman fought...what looked like a common street thug if not for the way he ripped up chunks of the street and throwing them at him.

"The newcomer steals abilities," Batman called out. "Superman's fighting at half strength because of him. Avoid skin to skin contact and keep the civilians clear."

"You heard the man," Plastic Man said. "Keep the lookie loos back so the big guys have room to move."

"We don't get breakfast until this is done, do we?" Xander asked with a sigh. Normally he'd have given his right arm to see something like this, but he'd had a rough couple of days and was starving!

"Who are you?" Plastic Man asked.

"Xander," he replied, offering a hand. "Nice to meet you."

"No, I mean what's you superhero name," Plastic Man said while shaking his hand.

"I'm not a superhero." Xander replied. "I'm a homeless guy Nightwing sent to the Watchtower, saying they could help me."

"You're kidding?" Gear and Static chorused.

"No, and it's been days since I've eaten."

"Sorry, Xander," Plastic Man apologized with a wince. "As soon as this is taken care of, I'll personally stuff you full of grub."

"Ok," Xander said, deciding to speed things up a bit before he starved to death. His form morphed into an old man in a bathrobe who bore a certain resemblance to the man Batman was fighting. "Hey, Billy," Xander called out, in an old man's voice.

The new villain stopped and stared. "Grandpa?"

"You're not too big to put over my knee, Billy," Xander warned hobbling forward and letting the robe almost fall open.

The man looked horrified.

"Damn robe, always getting caught on things," Xander growled out like he was eighty. "Let me get this thing out of the way, and then I'll whip your ass," Xander said, reaching for the belt.

"Grandpa NO!"

"Give up or the robe comes off," Xander warned.

The man fell to his knees offering his wrists to Batman. "Cuff me!"

Superman seemed to catch his second wind as his powers were returned to full strength and Grundy was driven back by a flurry of blows.

Sinestro also gave ground against the Green Lantern as his ring seemed to be fighting him.

Xander then morphed into an elderly red skinned woman as 'she' turned and hobbled toward the Power Ring wielders. "Billy, I need you to loofah my back, I'm not as young as I used to be."

Sinestro turned so pale he looked pink. The yellow power ring he wore ripped itself off his hand and flew to Xander, leaving it to the Green Lantern to insure Sinestro didn't fall from the sky.

Xander put the yellow power ring on his left hand and turned to Plastic Man. "I need a handful of salt, please."

Plastic Man ran off, not wanting to argue and risk seeing one of his own grandparents naked.

Xander morphed back into his Claude Rains outfit, while Batman and Superman double teamed Grundy.

"You can turn into people's grandparents?" Static asked, completely weirded out.

"That's gotta be breaking the Geneva Convention," Gear muttered.

Xander untangled a piece of wire from a chain link fence and pulled it like it was taffy, turning it into steel thread. "I just based the looks I shifted into on what I guessed their grandparents would look like."

"There's probably no law against it, but there should be," Gear said, shuddering.

"Here!" Plastic Man said, shoving a container of salt at Xander.

"Thanks," Xander said, ripping the top off the container and approaching the roaring Grundy as he was driven back by the pair of heroes.

The container of salt and the wire were outlined in yellow energy as Xander concentrated on what he wanted to happen and fed the image to the yellow ring he wore.

Grundy stumbled back as salt was shot at his face like Xander had used a cannon, filling his mouth and blinding him. The thin metal wire slithered forward like it was alive piercing his lips again and again sewing them shut as he clawed at his face. Grundy stiffened and fell over eyes staring at nothing once his lips were fully sealed.

"What did you do?" Batman demanded.

"To return a zombie to its eternal rest all you have to do is fill its mouth with salt and sew its lips shut," Xander replied.

"You killed him?" Superman asked.

"It was already dead, and I'd suggest a proper burial on consecrated ground to insure he rests in peace this time."

Batman frowned. "How can you be sure he wasn't alive?"

"If he had been truly alive, filling his mouth with salt and sewing his lips shut would have just pissed him off."

"Indeed," Batman said, making a note. "How'd you get Sinestro's power ring?"

"I scared the piss out of him," Xander replied. "Now I believe I was promised breakfast?"

"I don't suppose salt and sewing works on clowns?" Batman asked.

"Worth a shot," Xander offered.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**

**AN2: Man am I lazy!**


	69. Chapter 69

**Trippin' Two: Electric Boogaloo**

**AN: Continued from chapter 64: Xander and Anya's Excellent Adventure**

"Why Colorado?" Xander asked, as they pulled into a motel.

"Because it reminds me of home and people live longer at higher altitudes," Anya replied cheerfully.

"A bit chilly, but the air is cleaner," Xander said, enjoying the cool mountain air with the top of their convertible down.

"The air in a rendering plant is cleaner than LA," she said, wrinkling her nose. "Anyway, I chose this place because it has a large military presence, meaning a lot of young men with money to spend on frivolous items."

Before they could get out, a young man dove into the back seat. "Please drive, I've got to get out of here!"

Xander popped the car into reverse and smoothly drove off. "Don't look in the back, Dear, it's a dead giveaway."

Anya rolled her eyes. "Teach your grandmother to milk a yak."

"Ok, we're driving off," Xander said. "Spill, who you running from, and why?"

"A rogue military unit who wants to force my 'father' into doing what they want!" the boy said urgently.

"The way he says father makes me think he's lying about that," Anya said.

"He's either got problems with him, or he isn't his real father," Xander said.

"It's actually both," the boy admitted. "My name's John by the way."

"That doesn't sound right either," Anya complained.

"Fine, I prefer Jack, but I'm legally John," he growled out.

"Well, I'm Anya and this is my boyfriend Xander," she said eying the mountain ahead of them. "I'm not seeing a lot of traffic coming the other way."

"Xander? Hippy parents?" John asked. "And, what does traffic have to do with anything?"

"It's short for Alexander," Xander replied. "And no traffic means someone's stopping them."

"Like a roadblock," Anya said as they rounded a corner and saw a roadblock ahead with several cars ahead of them.

Xander looked at the two cop cars traffic and frowned. "Those aren't real cops."

"Cops?" John asked.

"Roadblock," Anya said. "Keep your head down."

"How do you know they're fake?" John asked.

"Because real cops don't have only one officer to a car for a roadblock, nor does all their equipment look unused. Plus they are both extremely fit and have regulation crewcuts," Xander listed off as they sent a car back the way it came.

"Good eye, Honey," Anya said proudly. "How are we going to handle them?"

"I vote heading back the way we came," John said urgently.

"And then they get to chase and shoot at us," Xander said. "No, we need to get them both by the car so it's all hand to hand."

"Great, I jumped out of the frying pan and into a car with two crazy people," John groaned.

"Ideas?" Xander asked.

"Run and hide?" John suggested hopefully.

Anya ignored him. "I can pretend we're being held hostage by someone in the back seat so they both concentrate on John," Anya suggested.

"Two on two is good odds," Xander said. "But they're only human. Have anything non-lethal on you?"

"Mace, blackjack, handcuffs, stun gun, brass knuckles," Anya listed off.

"Slip him the mace, and me the blackjack," Xander said.

"I'm going to get shot," John groaned, as Anya dropped a can of mace behind her seat without looking. "This is a bad idea."

They moved forward as the 'officer' checked the car in front of them.

"Sit up stiffly and try to look like you're worried," Anya told Xander. "Think homeless maniac."

Xander put a nervous expression on his face and sat ramrod straight, keeping his eyes straight ahead, while Anya did the same and made faces to catch the attention of the 'officer' without being obvious about it.

The officers caught on quick, both drawing their guns and approaching opposite sides of the rear of the vehicle while the couple in front bailed out.

"Freeze!" the two called out, focusing on John and then falling unconscious a second later, revealing Xander and Anya standing behind them.

"I can't believe that worked," John said in shock as Xander and Anya smoothly rolled the two for valuables before dragging them to one of the cars and handcuffing them together in the back seat.

Xander dug a nail under the police decal on the side of the car and easily peeled it off, revealing it to be a magnetic forgery. Anya meanwhile grabbed the keys to the cars and collected any weapons or valuables, tossing them into their trunk. John watched speechless as Xander stripped all the fake decals off the two cars and moved the sawhorses out of the way like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Why did you keep the decals?" Anya asked Xander as they drove off.

"Prank potential," Xander replied.

"Who are you people?!" John demanded.

"Just a couple on vacation," Xander said. "Where is it safe to drop you?"

"I don't suppose you could take me to base?" John asked hopefully.

"Follow the signs?" Xander asked.

"If you don't mind," John said.

"Not a problem."

"So, what's fun to do in this town?" Anya asked.

"What?" John replied confused by the change of topic.

"We just got here," Xander said. "What are the local hangouts and sights?"

"NORAD has tours sometimes, but mostly...nothing," John admitted.

"Dull?" Xander asked.

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"Cancel the alert!" a soldier called out. "John's at the gate topside."

"Get him down here before he gets grabbed again," the General ordered.

"Got it, Sir," Jack O'Neil called out heading for the elevator, Teal'c and Sam in tow.

"I wonder how he got loose," Sam said.

"I can be very resourceful when I need to be," Jack said.

"I don't doubt that, Sir," Sam replied. "But the NID usually takes that into consideration."

"Someone made a mistake and John capitalized on it," Jack said. "Thankfully the NID makes lots of mistakes."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed, "starting with their choice of target."

It took a couple of minutes and several checkpoints to reach the surface, where they found John arguing with a young couple. "I just want you to meet some people and make a statement."

"And I don't want to do either," the man said. "I have an allergy to people in authority and self-incrimination."

"We'll plead the second," the girl agreed.

"That's the Fifth, Honey,"

"I was thinking of weapons and that," she replied. "People in authority are too often corrupted by power and refuse to listen to anything but violence, or the threat of."

John's eyes lit up as he saw the three approach.

"Good, they can take you and we can be on our way," the man said in exasperation.

"Quick, grab them!" John yelled. "They're NID plants!"

"And, you're a tuber!" the girl snapped; stopping everyone in their tracks.

"Anya, Honey," the man said. "Plant as in planted evidence. He's accusing us of being with the people who kidnapped him."

"That makes no sense whatsoever," Anya said.

"I'd like to hear the thought behind it," Jack said.

"I played dead and managed to escape while my minder was in the bathroom," John explained. "I jumped in the first car I saw when I got out, but they gave themselves away when they took out the two NID agents, pretending to be cops."

"Still not seeing any logic in it," Xander said.

"I told you we should start charging for rescuing people," Anya said.

"By rescuing me you'd get in good with SG-1," John said smugly.

"Except for the fact that you're the one who insisted we stay," Xander said. "And, who the heck is SG-1?"

"Read the patches, Dear," Anya said as she pulled a pad out of her pocket and started writing on it.

"SG-1," Xander read. "So, rescuing your ungrateful ass is supposed to get us in good with them?"

"Yeah," John said with a frown as he realized there were some holes in his theory. "You guys took out those two NID agents like they were nothing."

"They were nothing," Xander said.

"Done!" Anya said ripping a piece of paper off her pad and handing it to John.

"Two NID agents?" Jack asked.

"Got them to focus on John by pretending he kidnapped us," Xander said. "What does the SG stand for?"

"Star something," Anya said. "That man is obviously an alien."

Xander looked at Teal'c closely. "Star Trek or Star Wars?"

"Star Wars," Teal'c replied instantly. "Star Trek lacks true empires and conflicts in comparison."

"Daffy Duck or Wile E. Coyote?" Xander said.

"Apples and oranges," Teal'c said narrowing his eyes.

"He may be an alien, but he's good people," Xander told Anya.

"$350 for being a dick?!" John exclaimed as he read the receipt had Anya handed him.

"Hold up!" Jack said, waving for everyone to calm down.

"You hold up, I just got a seven-hundred dollar bill for being rescued, with half of it for being a dick," John replied.

"One-hundred and fifty for a basic rescue with a charge of one hundred per enemy foiled and an additional charge of three-hundred and fifty dollars for trying to blame everything on us," Anya explained. "Pay up!"

"Honey, you have to negotiate fees in advance," Xander said.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


	70. Chapter 70

**B.U.M. II**

**AN: Continued from ch68**

"Thanks for the help," Superman said, offering his hand.

Xander shook it, noting how careful Superman was not to mangle his hand. "It's no problem, besides I'm being bribed with food."

"Give me back my ring!" Sinestro demanded as the Green Lantern joined them, carrying Sinestro in a green bubble.

"I'm going to need his ring," GL said.

"Are you offering challenge?" Xander asked formally as the yellow ring fed him details.

"Challenge?" Superman asked as GL looked at Xander in surprise.

"A ring bearer can challenge another for their ring," Xander explained, "however, they risk their own by doing so."

"That is a tradition among green ring bearers, not yellow ones," GL said.

Xander shook his head. "A tradition has grown up around it, but that doesn't change the laws governing the challenge. The color of the ring is completely immaterial, ask your ring."

"I -" the bald headed Green Lantern fell silent as he consulted with his ring. "I see. Are you saying you won't simply turn over the ring?"

"Are you going to turn yours over to me?" Xander asked, refusing to be intimidated.

"You're outnumbered six to one," GL pointed out.

"I refuse to turn this into a physical confrontation," Xander said, crossing his arms and ignoring the threatening postures of the people around him.

Green Lantern's ring snapped off like a switch had been flipped, dropping him and Sinestro on their asses. "What the?!"

"The challenge has been accepted by your ring and your attempt to intimidate me ignored," Xander said.

"I challenge!" Sinestro quickly shouted out.

"You have no ring to challenge with," Xander replied. "Get one and I'll accept your challenge."

Batman had Sinestro cuffed before he could say anything more, but he just nodded agreeably.

"Would you mind telling me what's going on?" Superman asked.

Xander nodded. "Sure. The Power Rings are all keyed to different emotions, but they are all tools of order. The Guardians of Oa chose Will as being the most appropriate tool for the enforcement of the rule of law and issued them to their chosen agents. However, the Guardians aren't the legal rulers over all of existence, nor are they Lords of Order. Their moral authority isn't absolute. As tools of order, there are laws about the rings interactions with one another, which each ring bearer must obey. One of which is the challenge for a ring."

"How come I've never heard of this before?" Plastic Man asked. "I've worked with baldy plenty of times and he never said a thing."

"I didn't know it," GL admitted. "Normally we simply battle and turn captured rings over to the Guardians."

"And if I was a criminal that option would be one that was available to you, however I'm not a criminal and the ring chose me over its current bearer," Xander explained, trying to sound knowledgeable while just parroting what the ring was telling him.

"I thought the Guardians of Oa created the rings," Gear offered.

"At the level of existence they were accessing to bring them into being, it was more like discovering than designing. At any rate, the rings are all creations of the Lords of Order," Xander said. "They were created to settle an argument that is so far over my head I literally have no grasp of the concepts needed to explain it, but it's why we have the challenge."

"And my ring won't work for me until I've answered the challenge," GL said.

"If you did not want to contest for the rings, you should not have offered challenge. This is basic information you should have learned from your ring the moment you put it on," Xander said, shaking his head.

"My training never covered it," he replied.

"The Guardians of Oa are control freaks," Xander said with a shrug. "But each ring has a fully functioning sentient AI that waits patiently for you to ask if there's anything you need to know."

"Who are you?" Static asked.

"Can we continue this on the Watch Tower?" Superman asked.

"That's acceptable," Xander said.

After a quick lunch, the heroes gathered in a simulator room to complete the challenge, with a few additional people gathered along the way.

After a large meal, Xander felt a million times better and the way his face itched let him know his symbiote had enough resources to start repairing the skin that had been destroyed.

"What right do you have to challenge Green Lantern for his ring?" Vixen demanded. "He's a good man who does a damn good job! We all know him and what he stands for while we haven't even seen your face!"

"And I haven't seen your tits!" Xander fired back, causing everyone to fall silent.

"What?" she asked coldly.

"Two things," Xander said. "One, I didn't challenge him for his ring, he challenged me for mine; so don't pretend I'm the one who started this. And Two, most of the people here hide their identities behind a mask of one sort or another, so asking to see my face is as out of line as me asking you to bare your breasts."

Vixen reached up and yanked down her top.

Xander's jaw fell to almost his waist.

"Hey, that's my shtick!" Plastic Man exclaimed.

"Put up or shut up!" Vixen growled.

Xander pulled his jaw back up and his outfit morphed from Claude Rains to a solid, full-body, black outfit with a stylized white spider wrapped around his chest. "I'll warn you now, I was at ground zero to an idiot setting off a poorly made kerosene bomb, so my face is... just try not to lose your lunch."

"Stan Lee is going to sue you for copyright infringement," Gear said, shaking his head.

Xander's costume peeled back from his head, revealing a face that was seared to the bone in places, with large sections of skin missing and muscles exposed to the air.

"How do we -" Vixen began when Superman interrupted her.

"It's real," Superman said.

Xander quickly ordered the symbiote to cover his face once more.

"Sorry," Vixen apologized, pulling up her top.

Xander shrugged. "Not your fault, and hopefully it'll heal in time. Anyway, like I was saying, it's not my actions that led to this. GL challenged me for my ring, not the other way around."

"You could have just given it to him," Plastic Man pointed out.

"That would have been stating I was a criminal and he had the right to claim my ring," Xander said. "The only crime I can be charged with is vagrancy or possibly being an illegal alien, neither of which was my choice."

"So what do we call you?" Static asked.

"I usually go by Spider Man," Xander said not wanting to provide any connections to his old life that could be used to find him.

"Like the comic book character?" Gear asked.

"The what now?" Xander asked, feigning surprise and relying on his symbiote to fake the correct biological signs to fool Superman.

"If you're not from this reality, how do you know so much about the rings?" Batman demanded, figuring out Xander's cover and poking at the holes before he could even finish establishing it.

"The ring has its own AI that can communicate telepathically with the wearer, and I have some experience with telepathic communication," Xander explained. "How did you know I was from elsewhere?"

"If you're really Peter Parker, why do you have a California accent?" Batman countered.

Xander quickly buried himself in the Peter mindset Venom supplied from his copy of Peter's memories. "How did you -" He leapt onto the wall to give himself room to fight.

"Easy!" Superman called out quickly, getting in between Xander and everyone else. "In this reality you are a well-known comic book character."

"One from New York," Batman pointed out.

"I didn't move to New York until I was almost a teen," Xander said. "Besides, Jonah hates the accent, so I always use it while in costume."

"Everyone in the US, and probably the world, knows your history and name," Static said. "Reading your comics is part of what convinced me to become a hero."

"Really?" Xander asked, dropping off the wall.

"Really," Static assured him.

"So much for a secret ID," Xander muttered. His ring pulsed. "Back to the challenge," he announced.

The rest of the heroes cleared out, leaving Xander facing Green Lantern for the ring challenge, and he was struck by the thought that if he hadn't washed his new black jeans with his lucky Spider Man boxers, none of this would have occurred and Oz would still be alive.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	71. Chapter 71

**Angry... not exactly.**

**AN: Continued from ****Part Time Jobs CH 44.**

"What's with the metal diaper?" The Thing asked, as Xander stepped out of the helicopter on the Baxter Building's landing pad.

"I was experimented on by some mad scientists," Xander explained. "To contain my power, they put this on me and I need Reed's help to get it off."

The Thing winced. "Sorry about that, apparently I missed the taste of my own feet."

"Don't worry about it," Xander said, waving his apology off. "It also connected into a waste disposal device, so technically it is a big metal diaper, though I've been calling it Doom's speedo."

He laughed. "Call me Ben. It's nice to find someone with a sense of humor around here."

"Tell me about it."

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Why am I floating again?" Xander asked.

"A side effect of the molecular scanner," Reed explained, his face glued to the readout.

"And the naked?"

"To insure nothing interferes in the reading."

"OK," Xander said as he crossed his arms behind his head and relaxed.

"A.I.M. did a very thorough job of fitting it to you. Most of the ways I can think of off the top of my head involve using a level of force that could easily prove fatal to you."

Susan Richards entered the room in a bikini, causing Xander's eyes to bulge out.

"Do that again!" Reed ordered.

"Do what again?" Sue asked curiously.

"Oh, hello darling, I didn't realize you were here," Reed said, his head stretching out to kiss his wife.

"I know how you get," she replied fondly. "So, do what again?"

"Whatever it is Xander did," he replied.

"Involuntary reflex," Xander said, embarrassed.

"Really?" Reed asked.

Sue chuckled.

"Oh," Reed said as he realized what had happened. "Well if we can... stimulate a greater response, you may be able to open it from the inside. Apparently it's designed primarily to resist exterior forces removing it rather than interior forces, however they seem to have underestimated the energy levels involved."

"They designed a jail for my gonads and were more concerned with someone breaking in there than breaking out?"

"Unless you're like my Reed, breakouts are nearly impossible," Susan replied.

Reed blushed.

"Funny you should mention that," Xander muttered.

"Someone shot you with cosmic rays and you got a super powered penis?" Susan asked in disbelief.

"Not sure what they shot me with, but yes," Xander admitted.

"Then all we have to do is find a woman who more closely matches your type and you can bust out. What is your type?"

"Blonde, intelligent, talented, caring, heroic."

"That describes Sue alright," Reed said.

She smacked him in the shoulder.

"What?" he asked confused.

"Initials," Sue explained, chuckling.

The machine beeped and Reed checked the readings. "That one was almost twice as strong as the previous one."

"Add a sense of humor, easily annoyed at times, and prone to smacking me in the shoulder."

"Wow, Sue is a perfect match."

"Except for the whole married thing," Xander agreed.

"And unfortunately Sue doesn't have an unmarried twin sister," Reed said. "And cloning one would be ethically questionable even if I do have all the tools necessary to do so at hand."

Sue just looked at Reed with one raised eyebrow.

"That's all way too Jean Grey anyway," Xander said. "Let's try less extreme methods before we go cloning me a set of twin Susans."

"Twins?" Reed asked, before Sue smacked Reed in the shoulder again, as apparently he'd wandered off into his happy place.

"Ahem," Reed brought himself back to reality. "Yes, how do you feel about the color green?"

"I've got no problem with it," Xander replied.

Reed tapped the intercom. "Jennifer, I need your help in the lab, if you're not busy."

"I got time," She-Hulk agreed.

"Excellent," Reed enthused. "Please put on your tiniest bikini, grab a bottle of baby oil and a jump rope, and meet me in the lab."

"Only with Sue's permission," She-Hulk fired back.

"I'm here too," Sue spoke up.

"Ah... well," She-Hulk's voice stuttered a bit nervously. "I have been kind of curious as to why you named him Mr. Fantastic, so..."

Reed's eyes bulged.

"Actually, this is just for an experiment," Sue said.

"Oh?" She-Hulk replied, near-terminal embarrassment obvious in her voice.

"Yes," Sue said kindly. "Your idea... How does Saturday sound?"

Reed's pants bulged like they'd just contained an explosion.

"Sounds like a plan," She-Hulk said happily. "So, why my dental floss and a jump rope?"

"We're trying to free someone from a high-tech chastity belt and he has a rather unique power," Sue explained.

"Well, sexy is my superpower," She-Hulk purred. "I'll be down with a bottle of baby oil and a roll of dental floss, you bring the jump rope."

"Will do," Sue replied.

Reed's pants bulged again and Xander's chastity belt rang like a gong.

Sue smirked.

"You are a very lucky man," Xander pointed out.

"I know it," Reed replied smugly.

**Bonds and restraints**

**AN: Continuing from ch26 (Bonds to be named later).**

Snape clutched at his arm in pain for a moment, before relaxing it and doing something that had everyone in the room reaching for their wands in shock and horror.

Severus 'That Greasy Git' Snape was... smiling.

"Well, that's unexpected," Harry said, scratching his head with his wand.

"So, he didn't owe you anything?" Krum asked curiously.

Dumbledore relaxed and his eyes were twinkling, thinking it was nice to be proven right about something. He'd hoped Severus was simply using his occlumency to make himself act badly towards Harry to help protect him for Lily's sake.

Snape dropped to one knee in front of Harry. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

Harry grinned at Krum. "No, he owed me his life and then some."

Dumbledore's twinkle died and he wondered how he was going to handle this.

Harry nodded to Snape. "Hmm. Be the best potions teacher you can be. Teach the Slytherins to be proper Slytherins. No more of this short-sighted pureblood stupidity about enslaving yourselves to others and giving in to reckless ambition. I'm not going to order you to be nice, but be fair."

"Yes, master," Snape said with a cheerful smirk, before rising.

"If he is enslaved, why is he so happy?" Karkoff asked curiously.

Harry shrugged. "No idea, you'd have to ask him."

Karkoff nodded. "Severus, why are you so happy?"

Snape grinned, making everyone wince at how crooked and yellow his teeth were. "Working as a spy, I took Voldemort's mark, which was constantly painful because I wasn't loyal, and reinforced my negative emotions as well as leaching off my magic. With the mark changed from Voldemort to Harry, the pain is gone and I feel stronger and quite cheerful."

"May I see your Dark Mark, please?" Dumbledore asked.

Snape rolled up his sleeve, showing a tattoo of the Hogwarts crest with the Slytherin quarter of the shield in color and the motto : 'Slytherins: We don't have dreams, we have goals' circling the entire crest.

"Beats the hell out of that childish skull and snake tattoo," Snape said happily.

"Outstanding," Karkoff breathed. "I don't think the term Dark Mark applies anymore."

"It may look better, but Severus is still a slave," Dumbledore pointed out.

"Yes, but that would be from the spell, not the mark," Harry riposted.

Karkoff looked at Harry thoughtfully, making Dumbledore nervous.

"I wonder how the spell would work on those who have the Dark Mark, but don't owe you their lives," Karkoff pondered thoughtfully.

"I'm not sure they exist," Harry replied. "Voldemort was a madman who tortured and killed his own people more than the enemy did, so being around him for any length of time was eventually a death sentence."

"You could be right, but not taking the mark was death in certain areas and families," Karkoff said.

Harry nodded. "I'll concede that, but taking the mark just meant that your death would be delayed and you'd be tortured on and off until it arrived."

Karkoff sighed. "But your family and friends wouldn't be."

"Until you died, then they would be given to the others to torture or abuse as a reward," Harry pointed out. He'd had long conversations with Sirius about the war and Voldemort, where Sirius had explained why people were so paranoid and fearful, and why some people who would normally have opposed Voldemort, had joined him as well.

"Hindsight is perfect, it is the view of the future our actions create that we need glasses to see," Karkoff said.

"Very true. Well, to answer your question, I believe everyone who wears a Dark Mark owes me a life debt for saving them and their families, but the spell doesn't work based on what I believe, it works based on what is truly owed," Harry offered.

"Best not to take chances with unknown spells," Dumbledore said quickly. "As this one wasn't Ministry tested and certified, we don't know for a fact that it doesn't take the caster's belief into effect."

Harry turned to Karkoff. "I believe you were about to ask me to cast it, but he does have a point. How about you cast it instead?"

"Simple wave and word combinations?" Karkoff asked, to ensure there wasn't any extra components that he hadn't seen of the spell.

"Yes. I believe that multiple castings reduce the cost as you become familiar with it, but the first time takes it out of you," Harry warned.

Karkoff smiled and over Dumbledore's objections cast the spell. He grasped his arm and fell to the ground, panting. "Lord Potter, I believe you understated the drain a bit."

Harry tilted his head to the side as he thought about it. "I don't believe so. It took about the same amount as casting reducto three times fast."

"Really? I think you must be overpowering it a bit then. Tell me, do you practice on the standard ten foot brick wall?"

"Yes."

"How much of the wall is left when you're done?"

"Left?" Harry asked, confused.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	72. Chapter 72

**EVA Loops**

"You brought me to your secret base to be a giant robot pilot?" Shinji asked as he stared at the face of Unit-01.

"That's not..." Misato trailed off.

"This isn't a secret base," Ritsuko offered.

"I'm fighting giant creatures from the moon, aren't I?" Shinji deadpanned.

Gendo and Fuyutsuki exchanged glances wondering what Shinji knew.

"We don't know where the angels come from," Misato admitted.

"There's going to be more pilots than me and we're going to be wearing weird color-coded skintight outfits, aren't we?" Shinji asked.

"How do you know so much?" Ritsuko demanded.

"I've seen Power Rangers," Shinji replied.

"This isn't Power Rangers, this is real life!" Ritsuko exploded.

"So, I'm not going to be piloting the most powerful robot that has a tendency to go berserk?" Shinji asked doubtfully.

"Well..." Ritsuko began.

Gendo waved for Rei to be brought in before things could divert from the scenario any further.

"What's my motivation here?" Shinji asked.

A door opened and Rei was wheeled in.

"I'll do it," Shinji said instantly, walking over to the invalid girl on the stretcher and taking one of her hands.

"Get him suited up," Gendo ordered, smiling internally and turning to leave, pleased that things were back on track.

As the door closed behind Gendo, Shinji kissed the back of Rei's hand. "Well, at least he knows what to bribe me with."

Rei felt herself blushing despite her wounds.

* * *

Shinji raised an eyebrow at Misato's assertion he was going to be living with her. "You wear even less clothes at home and have a cute animal mascot that is much smarter than average for his species, don't you?"

"How did you know?" Misato asked, a bit freaked out.

"It's in genre," he assured her. "I'm going to be doing all of the cooking and cleaning, because you suck at it."

"He's got you pegged," Ritsuko admitted.

"Um...So, I'm the female lead?" Misato asked nervously.

"I doubt we'll be romantically involved, it's probably going to be you as the older sister always teasing me," Shinji told her. "Having a tragic backstory also fits, but requires a trigger like a scar or a tattoo, maybe an item you always wear, which you reveal to me after we have an embarrassing 'walk in the bath' or 'while changing' moment."

"I-I might not," Misato muttered while Ritsuko just stared, wondering if he was right about being in a sentai show.

"Who has the best breasts on base?" Shinji asked knowingly.

"I do," Misato admitted.

"And, second runner-up isn't even close to your league, right?" Shinji asked

"Yeah, but I'm more than just a pair of breasts."

"Exactly," he agreed. "You are the whole package and have a tragic backstory to show you have depth to your character. Supermodel looks, flighty persona, yet unexpectedly competent and high ranked."

"I-I'm Mihoshi!" she exclaimed, wide-eyed.

"I'll need a cell-phone and the number for Security in-case I am attacked or find a security breach," Shinji told Ritsuko.

Ritsuko took a phone out of the pocket of her lab coat and programmed in a number. "I was just coming to give you a phone so we could contact you in-case of emergency. I've put the number for Security on speed-dial one. Don't crank-call them, they have no sense of humor."

"I'll be good," Shinji promised. "Come on Major Fanservice we need to stop at the store so I can buy groceries. Remind my father I'll need regular amounts of money for food, clothing, et cetera..."

"Anything you need can be bought using your Nerve I.D., they'll just forward the bill to us. And, what's etc.?" Ritsuko asked while Misato talked to herself.

"I'm a teenage boy, do I need to explain it?"

Ritsuko laughed. "No, take Major Fanservice home, see you after school Monday for testing."

* * *

Sitting in class, bored out of his mind, Shinji looked at the IM that had just appeared asking if he was the new pilot. Pulling out his phone he hit the first speed-dial button. "Possible security breach," he said. "Get someone who knows computers down here before they can cover their tracks." He ignored questions from the teacher and surrounding students while he waited for Sector Two which arrived in just over a minute, dressed exactly like you'd expect MIB agents to.

"Breach?" the first agent asked. The three of them might as well have been triplets for all the differences between them, they were all that plain looking.

Shinji pointed towards his school laptop and moved out of the way while the other two agents moved to the back of the room so they had a clear field of view of the entire class.

Kensuke was dragged out of class in handcuffs half a minute later and Toji shrank down in his seat, deciding not to confront the new kid.

The teacher decided not to ask Shinji any questions and went back to teaching.

When lunchtime came around, Shinji walked over to Rei's desk. "Grab your things and come with me," he ordered.

Rei quickly complied, used to following orders, and found herself on the roof with him.

"We'll eat here," Shinji said. He waited until she was comfortably seated before asking, "How are you?"

"I am recovering," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"I asked for motivation to pilot Unit-01 and my father had you brought to me."

Rei nodded slowly, she'd been on several types of medication and assumed her meeting with him earlier had been a hallucination.

"Having been given you as motivation to pilot, I must now insure your physical well-being. It is a poor Commander who does not look after those under him, even if only by proxy."

Rei nodded again, seeing the sense in his words and trying unsuccessfully to suppress her blush, as he helped lay out her lunch so she could eat it one-handed as her Left arm was still in a sling.

"I have testing today, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to examine your living environment. Piloting remains our main priority."

"Yes sir," she agreed, feeling more comfortable now that they were on familiar ground.

* * *

"Do we have an extra one of these I can have?" Shinji asked, examining his plugsuit.

"I don't believe so, why?" Ritsuko replied.

"Because, I was thinking of buying some latex bondage gear, but it's nearly impossible to find it in my size."

Misato fell over laughing while Maya blushed so red that it was surprising she didn't burst a vessel.

"They aren't bondage gear, appearance to the contrary aside," Ritsuko told him sternly. "They are designed to enhance the interface between you and your EVA."

"So, you aren't picturing me with a ball gag while I'm wearing this?" he asked.

"I am, but not for that reason," she replied with a smirk. Maya passed out.

* * *

Shinji wiped sweat from his forehead and looked her place over one last time. "Now it's clean. Pack what you need for a sleepover at my place, because I'm going to set off some insecticide foggers in here once we leave and it'll take a week for it to clear out completely."

"I can arrange to stay on base," Rei pointed out.

"You are going to stay with me so I can take care of you," he ordered. "You have little enough we should just pack it all."

"Yes sir," she agreed with a small smile on her face.

* * *

Shinji looked down and saw the two students between the fingers of the Right hand of his EVA. "It's the security leak and one of his friends." Shinji cursed.

"Take them into the EVA and restart," Misato ordered.

"No time," Shinji replied. "It's cut my power cord and can easily delay me until power runs out. I have to kill it before time runs out and it can self-destruct. Options?!"

"Forward charge and spear the core with your progressive knife," Misato ordered, seeing he was right.

"On it!" Shinji yelled, putting her plan into action and taking out the core before it could detonate. "Heh, seconds to spare," he crowed before the EVA went dead.

When he finally got out of the plug and was handed a towel to wipe his face with, after coughing all of the LCL from his lungs, Misato rushed over to him.

***SMACK***

And, slapped him in the face before smothering him in a hug. "That was for worrying me, and this is for being ok."

Once Misato had released him, Rei stepped forward.

***WHACK***

Shinji spun around twice before hitting the ground and Rei quickly helped him back up, before shoving his face in Misato's cleavage for a ten count. "For worrying me and being ok," Rei said.

"You're supposed to hug me so my face is buried in your cleavage," Shinji explained.

"I cannot suffocate you with my cleavage," Rei disagreed. "It's more effective to use Misato's."

"Suffocation is a side-effect, the main goal of that maneuver is the hug and my face in your chest."

Rei pulled Shinji to her and held him for nearly a minute. "That was much more pleasant," she conceded.

"Yes it was," Shinji agreed.

Ritsuko looked like she wanted to ask a question, but Misato shook her head. "Social training," she explained.

Shinji pulled out his phone and hit one. "Have someone grab security breach and his friend. They were on a hillside filming the battle and almost got killed. Might I suggest body cavity searches for the pair? Excellent!"

"You really don't like them do you?" Misato asked, shaking her head.

"If we fall, there goes the ballgame," Shinji said. "Anyone that threatens our operations, threatens humanity's very survival! If those two future Darwin Award winners want to kill themselves, that's their business, but I won't allow them to hurt anyone else in their quest for destruction."

"Harsh," a Sector Two agent said. "But fair. We have them in custody, and I just wanted to say thank you for your assistance in maintaining operational security, even if we are limited in what we can do to school children."

"Threaten to lace the lube used for body cavity searches with jalapeno juice if you see them again," Shinji suggested, causing almost everyone listening to clench up and hiss in sympathy at the thought.

* * *

***SMACK***

"Viewing fee," Asuka informed him, after slapping him in the face for seeing her skirt fly up.

"That would be fair if I intentionally flipped up your skirt to see them," Shinji said. "However, in this case you are to blame for wearing a skirt on a windy deck."

"He's got a point," Misato agreed.

***SMACK***

"Getting me back?" Asuko asked with a glare as she rubbed her cheek.

"Viewing fee," Shinji replied.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"I'm about to smack you upside the face with my dick," Shinji explained, reaching for his belt.

"Oh for the love of..." Misato muttered as the two attacked one-another.

It took ten minutes and a dozen sailors to separate the two since Asuka was highly trained but Shinji appeared to have wrote the book on dirty tricks.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Misato demanded.

"I needed to know what she was made of," Shinji replied with a shrug.

"Angel inbound," Misato cursed as an alarm sounded. "And that blasted Kaji is running off! That's unforgivable!"

"He brought me a warrior, I can forgive a lot for that," Shinji replied.

Asuka grinned broadly behind him, blood still dripping off her chin.

* * *

"Got where everyone is going to be sleeping settled?" Misato asked with a smirk, having seen the pilots conveying their possessions back and forth between the two rooms, Rei having moved in when back when her apartment building had burned down. Rei had suggested that Shinji's use of a dozen insecticide foggers in a one-room apartment had a good chance of being the cause of the fire, while Shinji maintained that the cockroaches themselves had torched the building in retaliation for their dead brethren.

"We'll all be staying in my room and using the smaller room to store excess clothing," Shinji replied easily.

"I-" Misato fell silent, not sure what to say.

"We'll try and keep it down," Shinji lied, knowing Asuka was anything but quiet in bed and that on occasion even Rei could be a bit vocal. Hell, he tended to yell things himself.

* * *

"Your son has made a mockery of any psychological reports we've had run on him," Fuyutsuki admitted. "Nothing about him fits what has been reported from before his arrival here."

"As long as the scenario stays on track, it matters little," Gendo decided.

"It's still running like clockwork," Fuyutsuki agreed.

* * *

"She acts like she doesn't know us," Asuka said angrily.

"She doesn't," Shinji said, hugging Asuka to calm her down. "Her memory's been wiped by the explosion."

"I don't like seeing her looking so...dull," Asuka admitted.

"She was just as bad when I first arrived, but a week of Shinji Ikari's patented exercise program and she livened up considerably."

"Really?" Asuka asked hopefully.

"Oh yeah," Shinji assured her. "Between the two of us, I expect we can have her acting like her old self, even if she doesn't remember it, by Monday."

"I'm staying at your place this weekend," Misato told Ritsuko.

"What? Why?" the bottle-blond scientist demanded.

"For the sake of my hearing," Misato deadpanned.

"What's your exercise program?" Ritsuko asked Shinji suspiciously.

"Naked twister," he and Asuka chorused.

* * *

"This is even more disturbing than when Shinji showered the city in an ocean of blood," Asuka decided as she stared at the mental representation of herself as a little girl. "So, you're the angel that's supposed to drive me nuts?"

"I'm you," the little girl claimed.

"Really?" Asuka asked with a smirk. "Then you should have no problem answering me this question, I like a shot in the tonsils, but Rei likes to have her eyelids glued shut. Why?"

"I..." the angel stared speechless.

"You really should've done your homework and not just hit the highlights reel," Asuka said, shaking her head.

* * *

"And, that's the whole ballgame," Shinji said skipping a rock across the ocean of LCL while seagulls screeched overhead.

"Now what do we do?" Asuka asked.

"We can resurrect people," Shinji offered "but new souls can't enter this realm, so no kids this life."

"Wanna bring back Kaji and Misato, since my favorite soaps are all gone?" Asuka asked.

"Sure," he agreed. "Plus, when we get bored, we can swap."

"That's my perverted baka," Asuka said, hugging him tightly, "always thinking. And, speaking of perverted bakas... Can we get Rei back?"

"The shock of Third Impact and becoming one with Lilith has knocked Rei for a loop. Give her eighteen months before we resurrect her."

"Let's get the alcohol and resurrect those two, " Asuka said. "Later you can start teaching me what you know about androids and AIs. Just because human souls are gone doesn't mean we can't build a society."

* * *

"Do you have loops were we aren't awake?" Asuka asked Shinji curiously, having heard from one of the other anchors about the phenomenon.

"Sure," he agreed, pausing to gauge the wind and take his shot. Passing the sniper rifle to Asuka he continued, "About one out of every hundred loops is like that."

Asuka snickered after her shot and passed the rifle back. "What do you do during those loops?"

"I try to see what I can accomplish by playing it straight and using nothing but my wits," he replied.

"And Third Impact?"

"My focus is on making my friends happy and well adjusted," he admitted. "I don't bother with the whole silly game my father is playing."

"Well, our vampire slayer Rei I is safe, as is her watcher. When do you think they'll get to Sunnydale?"

"Beginning of the school year," Shinji replied.

"Still planning on using CPR to keep Rei I around when Rei II awakens?" Asuka asked.

"I'm going for the hat trick, all three Reis awake."

"Well come on, 'Xander', it's a school night and we need to get back to Sunnydale. Fuyutsuki is still alive, so you don't have to worry about Gendo being the replacement watcher."

"Right behind you, 'Willow," he smirked.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


	73. Chapter 73

**HP to Whenever**

"Colloportus," Harry intoned, causing squelching noises from various points as all the doors sealed in their frames, securing the hall from the entry and locking him in with the Veil of Death. As several of the doors began to shudder under the force of multiple reductos, he quickly pulled an ivory obelisk out of his pocket and set it on the floor.

"Engorgio!" He pulled out a dagger as the obelisk pillar grew to six feet in height, and slashed his palm open. The pillar had been carved within an inch of its life with runes on every inch of available surface and as Harry slammed his bloody palm on it, the runes began to glow red, his blood filling each of them in one by one.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something," Harry said absently as the noises from outside fell silent. A numb hand and a growing darkness at the edge of his vision clued him in to what he was forgetting and he fumbled a blood replenishing potion from his pocket to replace the blood that was being consumed by the ungodly powerful wardstone he'd erected.

"Hell of a graduation party," Harry muttered as he cleaned and healed his hand.

While everyone had been celebrating Voldemort's death, Harry had been doing a headcount and he didn't like what he found. The vast majority of casualties had been on the light side, so despite the defeat of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, they were the majority of the British Magical Society now. Somehow during the celebration, a law had been passed requiring all the students to repeat their last year of schooling, so Harry had watched everything occur while attending Hogwarts once more.

Harry was completely unsurprised when people were being let go with just a slap on the wrist, and not just the rich ones either. He could see the writing on the wall, that while they had won the battle they had lost the war. Hermione and Ron had dismissed his warnings of upcoming trouble as him needing to adapt to no longer being the center of attention. This time, he decided he'd had enough and cut his losses, choosing to spend time with people who actually listened to him.

The rest of the DA was much more receptive to his message, and the contract that he'd had Luna's help drawing up ensured they wouldn't be betrayed from within this time. Plans had been drawn up, deals had been made, and it had taken nearly every galleon they all had to see it through, but the final result had been worth it.

Hermione and Ron had noticed that the DA and the majority of the light and neutral families hadn't boarded the Hogwarts Express, so they started asking questions. Their questions were ignored and they were prevented from boarding the train or sending any messages by Professor Flitwick, who took their wands away.

Harry had left on his broom an hour later after many people had said their goodbyes to him and wished him luck. Two hours later, Flitwick handed back their wands. "Goodbye," he said politely.

"Luna, please tell me what's going on," Hermione begged when she spotted the blonde haired Ravenclaw in the Great Hall.

Luna pulled out a familiar looking parchment. "Sign and swear."

Realizing they weren't going to get any answers until they signed the contract for the DA once more, they quickly gave in.

"Thanks to the light side's policy of humane treatment and the dark's of torture, rape, and murder; we're now the minority," Luna explained.

"You're not going on about what Harry was whinging about that one day, are you?" Ron asked. Ron shrank back from the glares he received from various students.

"I'm simply explaining what's going on," she said coolly. "If you followed the news, you'd have found out that not a single Death Eater spent more than a month in jail and that a number of laws are going to be brought up at the Wizengamut for vote today."

"There was nothing in the Prophet about their being released!" Hermione complained. "And the vote is about repealing illegally passed laws like the ones passed during Voldemort's reign!"

"The Prophet has always been the Ministry's mouthpiece," Luna said with a sigh. "And none of the laws passed illegally are official, so why repeal them?"

"Where are we going to get our news if not the Prophet? The Quibbler?" Hermione argued. "The only serious articles I've ever read in the Quibbler are the ones you got from me!"

"It's not my fault all you like to read is the funnies," Luna said, shaking her head and pulling out a copy of the Quibbler. "This has all the laws being voted on and who's supporting the measure."

"Where?" Hermione demanded, paging through it angrily.

"Flip it upside down," Luna said, like she was speaking to a first year.

Hermione turned the paper upside down and everything changed, showing articles on politics, recent reform bills and their effects, and even a small section on international law.

"It says at the bottom of the first page to turn it upside down for the political section. The Malfoy and Nott families are the primary supporters of the bill and the laws it repeals are ones dealing with the treatment of muggles and the definition of what a muggle is, which they think should be anyone descended from a muggle at any point in the last five generations."

"OK," Ron said, relieved that he was a pureblood and wouldn't be effected by the repealing of a few laws. "So what's everyone doing then?"

"Well, thanks to Harry and some others, as well as an alliance with the goblins, we're moving everything far away from England. Being a witch or wizard means you can take your house and the land it sits on with you when you move. Well, with a goblin portkey anyway," Luna said cheerfully.

Hermione looked around the Great Hall at the DA members eating lunch. "You're going to steal Hogwarts!"

"Steal?" Luna shook her head. "Harry is the Heir to Gryffindor and Slytherin. Susan is the Heir to Hufflepuff, and I'm the Heir to Ravenclaw. We don't need to steal it, we own it and Harry's trip to the Ministry is so he can disable the central wardstone that prevents goblin portkeys from moving large tracks of land."

"This is insane! It'll start another war!" Hermione burst out in shock. "We've got to warn someone!"

Luna laughed, genuinely tickled that Hermione had fed her such a straight line. "Do you really think I'd tell you if there was even the slightest chance of you stopping me? The portkeys went off half an hour ago."

"I feel like I should have been stroking a cat when I said that," she said absently.

Disabling the Ministry's central wardstone with anything less than a full curse breaking team should have been impossible, but Luna and Harry had figured out a way. A blood runed Aztec wardstone could easily reshape the area of ward coverage from hundreds of miles in diameter to a much smaller diameter… hundreds of miles straight up!

Many people had asked how they came up with the idea, mainly because of the way they'd blush and stammer.

Harry sipped a pepper up potion and prepared for the next part of his insane plan. He wasn't even sure if it would work, but even if it failed, he'd still be happy.

He turned, and stepped through the Veil of Death.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth! **


	74. Chapter 74

**One is the Loneliest Number.**

"Oh sure, just take off and leave the rest of us for dead, jerk," the man in the red and blue spider theme costume muttered before freezing in place. "I'm...a clone," he said in shock. "I'm not really Peter Parker."

He coughed, jarring his ribs and hissing at the pain before finding the energy to push the steel beam off himself. "Joy, I'm a knock-off of a hero, not...really Peter..." his voice trailed off and he ignored the flames growing on the surrounding rubble. "I'm not Spiderman!"

He quickly made a web bandage for his ribs while scanning for survivors. "If anyone else is alive, speak now or forever hold your peace."

He sighed when no-one else spoke up, but considering the clones he could see were...Well, they could be used as spare parts he supposed.

Shuddering, he pushed away such morbid thoughts and concentrated on the one happy one, he wasn't Peter Parker!

Something nearby exploded, sending him to his knees.

"Xander!"

"Huh," he asked dully, his spider sense buzzing like a Geiger counter at Chernobyl. Climbing to his feet, he looked around in confusion. Hadn't he just been in a lab?

"Xander!" the red-haired girl in vintage hooker wear yelled, stomping her feet.

"My name's not Xander," Peter said, deciding to keep using Peter as his first name and just change his last.

"Oh god, it got you too!" Willow yelled.

"What got me?" Peter asked, pausing to web a group of goblins to the ground.

"Ok, listen to me," the red-head pleaded. "You aren't Spiderman, you only dressed as him for Halloween, just like I dressed as a ghost."

Peter shivered as her hand passed through him. "That sounds completely insane." He looked around at the chaos surrounding them and webbed a bunch of creatures into place. "Which means it's probably true."

**Later...**

"Did you have to web her up?" Willow asked as Peter carried the cocooned Slayer over his shoulder.

"It was either that or knock her unconscious."

**Later...**

"Are you going to ask me why I webbed her up?" Peter asked as he set a second cocooned girl next to the first one on the sofa.

"Not really," Willow said with a shrug. "Cordelia has a sharp tongue and little restraint."

"Is that a nice way of saying 'bitch'?"

"Yes," Willow admitted.

**Still later...**

Willow returned finding dozens of people webbed into place in Buffy's front yard and half a dozen in her living-room. "Do you have some sort of fetish?"

"It was the easiest way to keep them quiet."

"That wasn't exactly a no," Angel muttered from the wall, but he quickly shut up when Peter raised his hand in a familiar gesture.

"Giles is on his way to Ethan's to break the spell," Willow said, trying to hide her blush.

"How will we know when the spell is broken?" Peter asked.

"We'll all return to normal," Willow guessed.

"Too bad, I kinda liked not having to worry about just being a clone of someone," Peter said with a sigh.

"Um, don't you have that backwards?" Angel asked.

"No, but that's a short story," Peter replied.

"Don't you mean a long story?" Willow asked.

"No, it's pretty short," Peter replied. "I just don't want to talk about it."

"Oh," Willow replied, and they settled into an easy silence.

"Tell me about Xander," Peter said curiously.

"He's annoying," Angel said.

"He's fun," Willow argued.

"He loves to annoy me," Angel admitted.

"He's my best friend, and has been since forever," Willow explained.

"Just a friend?" Peter asked, making Willow blush.

"He has a crush on Buffy," Angel growled out.

"Lady useless?" Peter asked in surprise.

"She's usually the Slayer," Angel said before giving the Slayer Speech to Peter.

"Sounds like a load of crap," Peter said bluntly. "Vampires are everywhere and you have only one Slayer. A properly trained and equipped military unit could do her job safer and more efficiently."

"Modern weapons don't work on vampires," Willow protested.

"Standard weapons are probably less effective," Peter agreed. "But, I'm pretty sure flame throwers would do the job well."

Peter wavered and fell to his knees as the spell ended and Willow vanished.

* * *

Willow ripped the sheet off of herself and stuffed it into a trash can, enjoying the feel of air entering and exiting her lungs as she headed for Buffy's house. Just being alive was such a relief that she didn't care who saw her dressed this way, and it was only a matter of minutes before she reached Buffy's and banged her nose on the door. "Ow!"

The door opened and Xander pulled her inside, wrapping her into a hug. "I'm so glad you being a ghost was just temporary!"

"So am I," Willow murmured, just loud enough for Buffy and Angel to catch as Xander squeezed her and ran his hands up and down her back making sure she was ok.

"I'm glad you're here," Angel said, still mounted on the wall. "Please convince him to cut us loose."

"Xander, why haven't you freed Buffy, Angel, Cordelia, whoever Dracula there is, and the two hairy guys?" Willow said, reluctantly letting him go.

"Can't," Xander said, completely unconcerned with the death glares he was getting from Buffy and Cordelia. "The webbing dissolves on its own. I might be able to burn through it with a blowtorch or use a lot of oil and get it to slide off, but really, I'd suggest waiting."

"How long are we talking here?" Angel asked.

Xander scratched his chin. "Buffy should be free in about forty minutes, less if she doesn't mind shredding the dress. Cordelia and doggy have an hour left. Chewbacca and Drac got a couple hours to wait."

"And me," Angel asked.

"Fifteen minutes maybe," Xander shrugged. "Peter wasn't sure whether you were going to be a problem or a solution so you got a light amount."

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me, I was pretty much just a passenger listening to Peter as he tried to deal with everything."

"Sooo, what now?" Willow asked.

Xander grabbed her hand. "We escape so no-one gets a chance to give into violent impulses towards the possessed person."

"I don't think they'd attack me, " Willow teased.

Xander picked her up bridal style. "I'm afraid we just can't take that chance."

Willow melted against him as he carried her off, strolling along like she weighed nothing. After a few blocks she had to ask, "Are you sure I'm not too heavy?"

"Wils, I could carry you like this to school and back daily," he promised.

"Well, if you think you're up to it," she joked.

"You are almost as light as a feather," he teased, "but Buffy will need to use a wheelbarrow to carry our books."

Willow giggled. Xander always tried to leave his books at school and tried to convince her to keep hers at home so they wouldn't have to lug the numerous advanced placement books they both used back and forth.

"I am as fresh as a daisy," Xander claimed. "I'm not even breathing hard, see?" he asked as he reached her front door and leaned down far enough for her to unlock it.

She moved as if to get down, but he quickly straightened up and opened the door with his foot. "We aren't at your room yet."

"You're going to carry me up the stairs after walking all that way? You're going to give yourself a hernia!"

"You'll check to make sure I haven't, right?" he asked as he carried her up the stairs.

"Sure," Willow said before turning bright red as she realized what she just agreed to. "Um...I'd h-have to..."

"I know," he assured her as her reached her room and he carried her inside and set her on the bed.

"W-What are you asking?" Willow stuttered as Xander knelt in front of her and held her hands.

"I am asking you to forgive me for being a blind idiot," he said, laying his head on her knees and placing her hands on his head.

"Blind idiot?" she asked, stroking his head.

"I do the Snoopy Dance because I have something very much in common with Charlie Brown," Xander said. "It was my way of saying it while trying to avoid having the football pulled out before I kicked it."

"I know," Willow whispered. "At least I'd hoped, but I wasn't completely sure with the way you were lusting after Buffy."

"Remember when Jessie and Amy dated?" he asked.

"Two weeks of enough sweetness to kill anyone with diabetic genes and then loathing and avoidance," Willow said with a sigh.

"I can't live without you Wil," Xander said hoarsely. "There have been days when the only reason I get out of bed is because I know I'll get to see you."

"You're not alone in that," Willow said, lifting his head up and pulling him to her.

"As for lusting after Buffy, she was a good distraction from you and frankly it takes a whole hell of a lot to pull my attention away from thinking of you."

"So, no more lusting after Buffy?" Willow asked hopefully.

"I'm a teenage boy, I lust," Xander admitted. "But I can safely say the majority of my lustful energies and all shared physical expressions will be limited to my little red-haired girl."

Willow grabbed the front of his shirt and was suddenly astride him with him flat on his back in her bed. "Say it."

* * *

"Did you see her move?" Buffy asked Angel, wide-eyed.

"No," he whispered back.

* * *

"I love you," Xander said. "I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. You were my first girlfriend, and I'd like you to be my last girlfriend. Will you go out with me?"

"I'm your only girlfriend," Willow said before her lips fell upon his.

* * *

Angel passed Buffy a handkerchief.

"That was so sweet," she sniffed.

* * *

"Did he have a bondage fetish?" Willow asked as she came up for air.

"Having spider powers gives one a healthy interest," Xander said. "For one thing, he always had silk ropes ready thanks to his powers and two, female spiders are known to eat the male after sex, so think of it as a safety precaution."

"It prevents Mrs. French incidents," Willow agreed.

"Yep."

"So, it's safe to say you have some interest?" Willow asked, leaning over him.

"Yep, I want to live!"

"We'd have to take turns," Willow said.

"Deal," Xander agreed, pulling her back down for a while.

Feeling like voyeurs Buffy and Angel decided to go patrol for a bit.

Willow and Xander rolled around on the bed a bit until Willow found herself on the bottom with her wrists webbed to the headboard.

"I believe I get to go first," Xander said as he began kissing his way down her body.

Willow decided that questions about the webbing could wait until later...Much later.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


	75. Chapter 75

**Elbow Room 2**

**AN: Continued from CH 51. **

"I thought you were gettin' all new stuff," Hagrid said, seeing the used robe Harry was wearing.

"They're making it now," Xander agreed. "Picked this up at a second hand store, so I'd have something comfortable to wear."

"Right smart of ya."

"Second hand shops are always full of interesting odds and ends," Xander said with a grin. "Armor with free resizing, potions..."

Hagrid laughed. "A lot of potions are explosive if I brew em, I never could get the hang of brewin' small amounts. Better to stick with the used clothes from those places than all the messed up and past due potions they try an' sell."

"You're probably right," Xander agreed. "Ok, where to next?"

"Ollivanders to get yer wand," he replied, and pointed out a shop with a wand on a purple pillow sitting in the window.

The bell over the door rang as they entered, but the shop appeared to be empty so they looked around.

"Gree-argh!" the silver-eyed old man screamed as Xander's dagger pierced his liver.

"Sorry about that," Xander apologized, yanking his dagger back out and causing even more damage, thanks to the hooked blade. "But really, sneaking up on me is a bad idea."

"I do get that impression," the old man agreed in a pained voice, a hand keeping pressure on the wound in his side. "Let me go take care of this right quick and then we'll get you a wand, alright?"

"That'll be fine," Xander agreed, his knife vanishing again as he smiled personably, happy that his blade seemed to absorb blood so he needn't wipe it off first.

Hagrid, a man who loved dangerous creatures and would call a lion trying to maul you 'just being playful', didn't see anything unusual at all in Xander's reaction to being startled.

"This may take a bit Hagrid," Xander said as he heard Olivander call, "Saint Mungo's!" and floo off. "If you've got anything you need to do, now would be a good time."

"I do need to pick up some stuff," Hagrid admitted, shaking his head.

"Go ahead, I'll be fine," Xander encouraged him. "Ollivander's probably going to be gone for at least an hour."

"I'll be back in a little while to see if you need anythin'," Hagrid promised as Xander shoved him out of the shop.

**Five Minutes Later**

"Bored, bored, bored," Xander muttered, his eyes wandering around the shop.

Walking behind the counter he found a shelf of books, apparently written by Ollivander himself, dealing with various aspects of his business, including a small book that gave instructions on how to run things for any assistants he might have. Having nothing better to do, Xander started reading through it and found a lot of very strange rules with some very good reasons behind them. Following the instructions, he opened a drawer and found a dusty silver ring that he polished and put on, causing a slight tingling sensation to run over his skin as he found himself plugged into the wards.

The shop's wards were mainly informative, they whispered into his brain countless things about the environment around him and even himself. Most of the information was useless, he didn't really need an exact count of the number of hairs on his balls or the length of his big toe, but there were some very interesting bits of information, like the bindings on his magic and the soul fragment in his scar.

The bell over the door rang and he glanced up for a second and tried not to blush as the wards told him countless things about the two coming in the door. "I'll be with you in just a moment Miss Greengrass," he said, marking his place in the book before coming around the counter. It was even harder to contain his flush as the wards fed him images of the two layer by layer including sans clothing, and the sight of Mrs. Greengrass caused physical reactions he hadn't known were possible yet. "Which is your wand hand?" Xander asked calmly, as if he'd been doing this all day.

"My Left hand," Daphne said, brushing her long blonde hair out of her face with it.

"Excellent," Xander beamed. "Stand like this please," he said, getting her positioned like she was about to be fitted for robes and snapping the fingers on his left hand, causing a measuring tape to leap off the counter and start doing random measurements on her that he mentally compared to the wards' readings to insure she was being read correctly.

"Where's Ollivander?" Mrs. Greengrass asked, confused.

"St. Mungo's at the moment," Xander replied. "That's enough," he announced, snapping his fingers again and causing the measuring tape to drop to the floor and roll up into a little ball.

Mrs. Greengrass pursed her lips in thought.

Ignoring her, Xander disappeared into the back room and returned with a handful of boxes that he set on the counter. Opening one, he handed her a wand that was made to react violently. "Redwood and Unicorn hair. Give it a wave."

Daphne waved the wand timidly, causing the shop to vibrate like there was an earthquake for a brief span.

"Definitely not that one," Xander said calmly, reclaiming the wand and putting it away before handing Daphne another one. "This is Oak and Dragon Heartstring."

Daphne waved with more confidence, having seen proof that she was indeed a witch. The air rang like she'd just hit a gong and a wave of cold swept through the room.

"Purity and power, has to be Unicorn hair and...Ash, one of those three," Xander muttered, deciding to end this quickly before Mrs. Greengrass asked any of the questions that were clearly on her mind. Vanishing into the back room, he picked up a Unicorn and Ash wand from the bin, choosing one that was a bit shorter and fatter than most. An ivory case covered in dust and yellowed with age was its chosen receptacle.

Daphne's eyes locked on the ancient looking case, and the wards informed him of the rise in her heart-rate as he set it on the counter.

"Thankfully, I was doing the checks on vault one today, so I had to do physical inventory and clean and comfort," Xander lied. "Otherwise, we'd have had to go through a lot of wands to find this one." Mrs. Greengrass looked over her daughter's shoulder as Xander opened the case reverently. "Wood from a lightning struck tree and Unicorn hair from a pregnant mare, eight and a half inches long, rigid, perfect for emotive casting."

Daphne's hand trembled as she pulled the wand from its case and there was a surge of magic as she gave it a wave, sending a blinding amount of sparks into the air, leaving behind the scent of ozone.

"Emotive casting?" Mrs. Greengrass asked curiously while Daphne all but purred at her wand.

"The stronger the emotion, the stronger the spell," Xander replied. "Has something to do with the dragon blood that stained the mare's mane when she drove it off, but I've probably said more about the wand's construction than I'm allowed. Sorry, craft secrets."

Ollivander waited until the two had paid and left before coming out of the back room. "If it wasn't for that ring, your eyes would be brown you're so full of shit."

Xander laughed. "I followed the book's instructions, violent reaction to impress them with the strength of their magic and give them confidence, follow up with something less violent so they calm down a bit, end with a wand chosen special for them. Make an emotional attachment to it if you can."

"I prefer the 'mystery of magic' route, but you did do a good job. Still...emotive casting?" he asked.

"Strong emotions affect spells, so I figured it was a sure bet."

"Fair enough. Well, now that I'm no-longer in danger of bleeding out and have a fully functional liver again, would you like to try a wand?" he asked dryly.

"I was having fun selling them," Xander said with a grin just before the bell rang and another customer entered.

Ollivander sighed and retreated to the back room, not in position to do his usual appear behind them trick and amused at Xander's actions.

""Miss Granger, is it that time already?" Xander asked from behind the counter before answering himself, "I suppose it is."

* * *

"You are a compulsive liar aren't you?" Ollivander said with a chuckle.

"Impulsive maybe," Xander admitted. "But, it's fun."

"Well, let's get your wand now. I think those last five were the last of the day, unless someone needs a wand holster or some wax."

"Sure," Xander agreed. "Got any ancient Fern and Pegasus hair wands?"

"Phoenix feather and Holly," the wand maker replied. "And, I was going to make you try half the store first and tell you a spooky story about You-Know-Who since his wand has the same core, but opposite wood."

"I'll skip it," Xander said with a wave of his hand, the ring activating the cleaning and straightening enchantments in the room. Taking off the ring, he returned it.

"I see you have the sight," Ollivander said.

"What sight?" Xander asked, removing his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Blinking, he noticed how clean everything was without his glasses on.

"The ring allows you to fake the sight, tapping the wards for information, but your eyes still have a silver sheen, so it tricked you into activating your own gift."

Xander shrugged and pocketed his no-longer needed glasses. "I have depth perception again, anything else is a bonus. Now, how about that wand?"

Ollivander decided that he didn't want to know what crazy story Potter would make up involving that and fetched the wand. "Here you go, wand, holster, wax. Free. You made much more than that gouging Parkinson alone."

"Rich twats are glad to pay more, it gives their life meaning," Xander claimed.

Ollivander laughed. "Potter, you are something else."

"My friends call me Xander."

"Really, why?"

"Because, in another life, a young girl couldn't pronounce Alexander."

"Xander it is," the old man agreed, resolving to ask no more questions, as Potter was so smooth the wards couldn't even tell he was lying.

"Sorry it took so long," Hagrid apologized as he approached, carrying a large trunk with an owl on his shoulder. "I figured I could get all the standard schools supplies while you were busy, and yer present."

"I just finished getting my wand," Xander waved it off. "So, you're exactly on time."

"Why are yer eyes so shiny?"

"Some gift or other," Xander shrugged, just glad not to need glasses anymore, which was good, because they had been interfering with his peripheral vision and making him a lot more paranoid than usual. For instance, if not for the glasses he wouldn't have stabbed Ollivander, just punched him in the balls. Besides, the whole One-Who-Sees thing had taught had taught him enough about various ocular gifts that he'd rather try and figure it out himself first before asking all the loony wizards.

"Well, that was nice of 'im."

"I thought so too," Xander replied, not bothering to clear up Hagrid's misconception. "So, what's next."

"Here's my gift," Hagrid said, placing a large white owl on his shoulder. "Owls are dead useful, and ain't she a beaut?"

"She is a hell of a good looking owl," Xander agreed. "What's her name?"

"I thought I'd leave that to you."

"That'll take some thought," Xander said. "Best sleep on it for now. Where am I crashing?"

"Crashing?" Hagrid asked, confused.

"Sleeping," Xander explained.

"I'm supposed to take you back to your relatives," the half-giant replied, embarrassed.

"On that small island, with no food or decent shelter?" Xander asked, shooting puppy dog eyes at Hagrid.

* * *

Xander settled back onto the bed and enjoyed how soft wizarding beds were. It felt like he was lying on marshmallows, a feeling he knew quite well from having a magic-user as his better half. Willow was many things, but restrained wasn't one of them, well except for Thursday nights...Xander shook off that train of thought. He remembered his last life, but while there was enough distance to keep him from pining for it, he missed his Willow something fierce.

"Will I ever see her again?" he asked aloud.

"With magic, anything is possible," his reflection in the mirror over the door told him, as it stood watching him sprawled on the bed.

Xander stared. "Ok, my reflection talking to me is a bit freaky." He sat up.

"If talking mirrors freak you out, the magic world is going to make you go spare," the mirror said with an amused expression on Xander's reflection's face.

"Oh," Xander said as he realized it was a magic mirror. "Sorry, thought I was having another psychotic breakdown. Magic mirrors are fine."

"Another psychotic breakdown?" the mirror asked doubtfully.

"Not important," he waved it off. "What is your function, and what can you do?"

His mirror twin beamed at him. "No-one has ever asked me that! I am a magic mirror created to record and play back messages for you, as well as to operate as an alarm clock and offer fashion tips."

"Really? What all do you record?" Xander asked.

"Everything."

"So, everything that's happened in this room for..." Xander led.

"Eighty-nine years," the mirror said proudly.

"And no-one has a problem with that?" he asked in shock.

"No-one's ever complained," the mirror offered.

"And, no-one's ever asked what you can do," Xander said, putting the facts together.

"Not a one," the mirror agreed.

"And, I'm the only person who knows?"

"You're the only one who's asked."

Xander grinned.

"The potential for abuse in this situation is...Right up my alley."

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


End file.
